Austin Hernandez11 said:You clearly dislike yourself so much that it would be simpler to just say you hate yourself.
And nothing good ever grows from hatred.
It likely started with certain things about yourself that you couldn't stand, which triggered a downward spiral of negativity. At the end of the day, we manufacture our own emotions; if we decide we aren't worthy of love, then that's the reality we live in. It’s harder for others to navigate someone else's internal state, so they struggle to connect with you, too. Consequently, you began aggressively using your behavior to ensure that other people would stop loving you.
And while that worked relatively easily with most people—since frankly, who can tolerate or love someone acting that way?—it didn't work with your mother. Mothers tend to love unconditionally. And ironically, that became more fuel for your curse; her intense love provided the very friction that kept this cycle spinning.
Then again, if you hate yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? Even when someone tries, you go out of your way to act in ways that force them to not only stop loving you, but to start avoiding you entirely.
Whether you want to admit it or not, there is a profound need for love and acceptance inside you. And it isn't just coming from your mother.
How long you stay trapped in this loop is ultimately up to you.
You could seek professional help, but whether you choose to accept that help or push it away remains your decision.
Similarly, you could break the cycle by simply becoming conscious of this self-loathing and attempting, even just a little, to practice some self-acceptance.
People only see outward actions, not the underlying causes, but you are the one blocking them from seeing your soul through your own behavior.
The bottom line is this: since you are the only one who truly knows the state of your soul and the reasons behind it, you are the only one who can change your actions. The moment you shift even one small thing, it will trigger a domino effect of other changes.
Regarding actual change, perhaps the easiest way to start is on a tangible level. Someone already gave you a suggestion: start running. If it feels impossible at first, embrace the challenge precisely because it is difficult.
And do you know why it's so hard to follow through on an intention or a desire?
Because of that damn fear that we won't succeed in what we set out to do.
My upbringing taught me this:
"Give everything you have to achieve something... and don't obsess over the result. In that moment, the outcome doesn't matter. Because if you succeed, the satisfaction comes naturally; and if you fail, you'll still be content knowing you did everything within your power."
Everything changes. It’s the one thing you can actually count on. 🙂
You're right... what can I even say? Thanks for the advice, really, but while I'm stuck in this mess, there isn't a god in the world who can kill this insane HATRED I feel for everything and everyone. It's not even like I'm looking for revenge or anything... what's the point? I just can't bring myself to be positive because that's just who I am. I can't handle it. I'm arrogant (without realizing it), cocky, hypersensitive, crazy, and scattered. I mean, I try to get moving sometimes, it's not like I'm out there hitting the pavement for a run... I've just spent my whole life expecting too much from everything and everyone, so naturally, I always end up disappointed. I've got this damn attitude where nothing and no one is ever good enough. Even the bands I used to love, now I mostly just hate or despise them. Or I'm just indifferent in a stupid, mindless way. Nothing fills me up except maybe that brief moment when I write a song, or when I'm screaming on a one-string guitar until I squeeze out every last drop of inspiration before the chronic madness and darkness take over again... Honestly, I kind of want to stay this way because I can't be any different. And even if I could, it wouldn't feel right. But I'm a bad combo, and I don't have the mental or physical strength to actually live out that talent or whatever, so I'm just a fraud. I don't want to be, but here I am, stuck at home because everywhere I go, failure is waiting for me. And even if I did succeed, I'm such a negative person that I'd just screw it all up. What other people do subconsciously and automatically, I consciously analyze and tear apart with these bullshit thoughts.
Honestly, I just want to stay isolated right now because people are driving me absolutely insane. Loneliness is such a toxic trap, though. Whatever, I’ve totally lost my grip... I feel like I don't even have a sense of self anymore; I'm just recycling old memories and past experiences over and over. I realized I've been painting this twisted, messed up picture of everyone that doesn't match how anyone else sees them. I'm just a bad person with zero desire to change... just tons of hate and pure chaos weighing down my soul. I'm so done with everything. People don't even matter at this point—it's just my own head tripping out on all these stupid, pathetic relationships I've had where I basically just let myself get walked on for way too long. It's killing me, and nothing can fix it. No pills, no therapist is gonna save me... I did this to myself. But then again, nobody is to blame. Dammit.