No title, just pure chaos and disappointment

Just dropping a confession here for whoever feels like reading...
My whole life has been a wreck. My parents are honest, hardworking people who had it rough when they were younger... they had to deal with massive pressure from everyone around them back then. I guess that just pulled them closer together, because even after more than 20 years of marriage, they’re still super tight—like a little old couple you see out in public. My dad is an artist at heart, a real unique guy with major talent, while my mom is just blindly honest and incredibly positive. They probably saw me as their one bright spot during those tough times, both financially and everything else. But the truth is, I was way too much of a "good kid." I was so attached to my mom that I never actually learned how to stand up for myself, and my adult life turned into nothing but pure suffering, loneliness, chaos, and hate. As a kid, I used to write these poems for my parents' birthdays, filled with a million hearts and all the love in the world. I was always a weird kid, though—kind of off, with a warped view of things. I couldn't handle reality, and it started showing even in elementary school. I was just different, but in a really awkward, ugly way. I didn't fit in with the other kids... I wasn't a fighter; I just lived in my own little fantasy world. But that fantasy quickly turned into a horror movie. I remember being around 11 and feeling completely lost... a few of my childhood friends had already moved away from town.
I used to just wander around alone, counting my steps just to kill time... I was totally solo. And that’s when my intense love and devotion to my mother twisted into the worst, most toxic behavior. I have to say, my mom was pretty obsessive and sometimes hysterical, extremely worried about my health—especially my physical well-being. In elementary school, I dealt with every kind of bullying, verbal and physical... but what I hate most is that I was such a wimp that I just took it all quietly. The complexes started piling up, and I began acting a certain way to mask it, developing a totally broken personality. I don't even know why I'm writing this; I don't know what else to do. I'm not expecting anything to help me anymore. It just kept getting worse through high school, and I became more alienated, more unstable, and more depressed. When I was 15, I felt this crushing mental pain for the first time. I remember thinking if it didn't go away soon, I'd end it all. But it didn't go away, and I didn't do it... I didn't kill myself because I didn't think I was even capable or worthy of doing that. I stopped talking to my parents entirely. The stuff I went through—the injustice and the sheer senselessness of every moment—is indescribable; I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I completely retreated into myself, playing a part in public while feeling like a total idiot inside. I tanked in school; I went from being an honors student to a complete loser, an outcast that nobody wanted around. The guilt I feel for the pain and injustice I caused my parents because of my sick, sensitive, complexed-up, broken mind is horrific—it's one of the biggest reasons I wish I wasn't here. I lasted a year in college, but I failed there too and just gave up on everything, even while they were dropping huge amounts of money on me. By then, I was so far gone that I'd lost all my moral principles, and honestly, maybe I never even had any dignity to begin with. I know that even as a little kid, around 6 or 7, I felt less valuable than everyone else. Being part of a group was an impossible concept for me. Being social felt foreign, like something I just couldn't grasp. You could say I'm naturally antisocial, even though I've picked up some patterns over the years to function among people. But even today, I can't stop every little thing from hitting me hard. Anything can throw me off balance. Even comments from little kids or idiots get to me. Then I just suppress it in public because otherwise, I'd be cursing people out every single day... but once I'm home, I snap, just like a million times before. My mom tries to provoke me until I hit my breaking point, and then she starts threatening me with the police and whatever else. For years, I've intentionally made a fool of myself in social situations, trying to humiliate myself and everything I represent because I felt like I didn't deserve anything better. Because of how I act, I *don't* deserve it, and it's a vicious cycle. This injustice in the world is freaking killing me. People only see the consequences and then judge me with such attitude, acting like they couldn't have been hit by a different fate. This long-term loneliness and depression have caused my brain to lose all control. I've become a slave to my own intrusive thoughts, my complexes, and the fear that everyone is just waiting to humiliate me and succeed. I've grown to hate every person I've ever met because they hurt me, regardless of whether it's my fault or just shitty nature. Having a past like this is SO demotivating. I can't sleep at night; I stay up until dawn because I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. And even when I man up and try to fight it, I crumble like a house of cards. I'm fully aware of how beautiful life could be, in the small things and the simple daily routine.
I’m way too hyper-aware of every little thing. Every speck of dust gets under my skin, I’m constantly anxious, and I can't stop overthinking how every tiny move basically dictates my entire future. I’m trying so hard to stay focused on just being better—for myself and the people around me—but honestly? I have no clue how anyone else acts "normal." What does that even mean? Because looking at myself, I feel like we’re all just living in total chaos. I don't think anyone is actually stupid or incompetent; I think fear is just that loud. That voice telling you "you can't" is huge. But you *can*. I just want to be real, because the second I try to fake it, I totally fall apart and feel pathetic. I seriously cannot handle any kind of provocation, humiliation, or someone just picking on me. Just straight-up messing with me.
I don't know what to do or how to fix this. I don't even know if there's a diagnosis out there for me. Does anyone in the world actually have the answers? If they do, it feels like it would take forever unless they have some magic wand to just wave and make everything perfect again. Maybe someone will look at me and think, "Well, at least I don't have it as bad as them," and feel better about themselves. If not, whatever. Every single time I deal with people, it's just this sick tension and the fear that they're gonna try to tear me down—which they usually do once they smell weakness. It's been like this my whole life and I'm so damn done with it. I don't know if there's any way to protect myself from people other than just running away from everything I do. Most people have these automatic defense mechanisms built-in—they say things just to avoid being vulnerable or to strike first—but I'm stuck. I don't know what to do.

It sounds a bit like learned helplessness to me...
Difficult... incredibly difficult...
Just keep in mind that you aren't naturally antisocial (as you noted earlier), but rather socially withdrawn due to how you were raised. If that’s the case, then change is actually possible...
And what is a diagnosis really going to do? What do you need—a specific number just to put a period at the end of the sentence?🤷

I don't consider myself particularly gifted at handing out positive affirmations, so I won't attempt it. Instead, I'll just send a single 🙂

Look, man, the silver lining here is that you actually recognize the situation for what it is, and you’re an adult. That alone counts for something. It isn't all doom and gloom when you can finally see where you went wrong and identify the flaws in how you were raised.
You aren't going to be able to undo everything—but you can certainly course-correct. You can help yourself, perhaps most effectively by seeking out some professional guidance. Get some distance from them; live your own life and visit them as a guest rather than a dependent. You'll find that things will balance out—that's really the only way it works. Plus, you'll start respecting yourself more, and they'll likely show you more respect in return. A person finds the most value in their existence when they build and organize it themselves. That's when you actually start enjoying it. Even when you stumble, you experience the mistake and react to it with a completely different perspective.
And don't go thinking you're some unique specimen of dysfunction. There are countless people and families living through the exact same thing, hiding behind various social masks. Go ahead and lose your mind if you have to, but do it when nobody is watching. Blow off some steam and vent that negative energy through sports—do you play anything? If not, start immediately. It'll clear your head. Just stay active; take on some kind of responsibility. It seems to me you have far too much time dedicated to overanalyzing things that are either entirely out of your control or simply irrelevant to your current life. As for the stuff you can't change? Let it go. Seriously, man, the sand is slipping through the hourglass; you only get this one shot at life.

I honestly have no clue, man. It’s just so absurd at this point that all my buddies have already told me—they've basically given up on me spinning my wheels in circles. But hey, it’s all good. I just gotta find a way to get my act together and stop being my own worst enemy.
I could vent about this forever, but it always comes back to the same thing: you just gotta grit your teeth and keep moving while you're still in the game.

steelranger31 said:I honestly have no clue, man. It’s just so absurd at this point that all my buddies have already told me—they've basically given up on me spinning my wheels in circles. But hey, it’s all good. I just gotta find a way to get my act together and stop being my own worst enemy.
I could vent about this forever, but it always comes back to the same thing: you just gotta grit your teeth and keep moving while you're still in the game.

There you go again with that old "grit your teeth and endure" mantra. No, that isn't the answer. You need to force a wide, genuine smile—one where everyone can see your teeth—and actually live. Believe me, I could go on for hours too...
Complaining is easy. Instead, BE A FIGHTER. Fight to make things better; fight so that you might actually learn to love and respect yourself. You will feel a sense of pride, my friend, and that is what truly sustains a person. Have you ever actually tried it? It is a profoundly rewarding sensation.

Just start running. It’s the best medicine there is—you build physical strength, which eventually toughens up your mind too. Seriously. Just aim for every other day at first; you'll find your rhythm and start feeling better soon enough. When you're out there and it gets brutal, you're going to struggle regardless of how fit you think you are. But that's the point. You don't quit; you fight through it, and that's where the mental grit comes from. Running did a lot for me.

How is your love life faring? I assume it's non-existent. 😢
Shall we socialize? 😍😢

Lawrence King572 said:How is your love life faring? I assume it's non-existent. 😢
Shall we socialize? 😍😢

👍

🙂
I found myself nodding along to everything you wrote regarding maternal attachment. My parents split when I was only seven months old, and my mother truly poured every ounce of love she had into me; she did absolutely everything for me. Now, at twenty-one, I still find myself needing her to accompany me to medical appointments just to handle the paperwork. Whether it's navigating doctor's visits or managing things like getting a passport or a driver's license, she handles all the preparation beforehand. I adore her, but I can’t deny there is a certain resentment there. She unintentionally turned me into a total dependent. Is she solely to blame, though? Perhaps not. I honestly don't know. Can one even learn to be self-sufficient after spending an entire lifetime being managed by their mother?

Seriously, have you ever been so old and out of it that you just lose your mind, start acting like an idiot, and slam your fist on the table?

I did. I actually sat her down and had a conversation about it. Every single time she attacks me for not being able to handle something on my own, I snap back and tell her straight up that this is her fault. She knows it too. Now, she’s practically forcing me to do everything solo, even though I clearly lack the capability to manage it alone. So, what happens? She ends up stepping in to help anyway. It feels like a closed loop.

Man, I keep running into that concept all the time—like being stuck in a loop, a total dead end, or one of those nine circles of hell. Definitely need to level up my awareness. Everyone’s got some kind of incredible superpower hidden away. PS: You looking good?

I am currently in such a mental state that even if I happen to be beautiful, I wouldn't know it. To myself, I certainly am not. Occasionally, yes—when I go out and indulge in drinking or drugs—well, for those few hours, it feels like heaven on earth and I am the most beautiful person in the world.
Why are you asking that?

so i i'm curious :where you even hanging out?

Let's move this conversation to private messages. 🤷

steelranger31 said:Just dropping a confession here for whoever feels like reading...
My whole life has been a wreck. My parents are honest, hardworking people who had it rough when they were younger... they had to deal with massive pressure from everyone around them back then. I guess that just pulled them closer together, because even after more than 20 years of marriage, they’re still super tight—like a little old couple you see out in public. My dad is an artist at heart, a real unique guy with major talent, while my mom is just blindly honest and incredibly positive. They probably saw me as their one bright spot during those tough times, both financially and everything else. But the truth is, I was way too much of a "good kid." I was so attached to my mom that I never actually learned how to stand up for myself, and my adult life turned into nothing but pure suffering, loneliness, chaos, and hate. As a kid, I used to write these poems for my parents' birthdays, filled with a million hearts and all the love in the world. I was always a weird kid, though—kind of off, with a warped view of things. I couldn't handle reality, and it started showing even in elementary school. I was just different, but in a really awkward, ugly way. I didn't fit in with the other kids... I wasn't a fighter; I just lived in my own little fantasy world. But that fantasy quickly turned into a horror movie. I remember being around 11 and feeling completely lost... a few of my childhood friends had already moved away from town.
I used to just wander around alone, counting my steps just to kill time... I was totally solo. And that’s when my intense love and devotion to my mother twisted into the worst, most toxic behavior. I have to say, my mom was pretty obsessive and sometimes hysterical, extremely worried about my health—especially my physical well-being. In elementary school, I dealt with every kind of bullying, verbal and physical... but what I hate most is that I was such a wimp that I just took it all quietly. The complexes started piling up, and I began acting a certain way to mask it, developing a totally broken personality. I don't even know why I'm writing this; I don't know what else to do. I'm not expecting anything to help me anymore. It just kept getting worse through high school, and I became more alienated, more unstable, and more depressed. When I was 15, I felt this crushing mental pain for the first time. I remember thinking if it didn't go away soon, I'd end it all. But it didn't go away, and I didn't do it... I didn't kill myself because I didn't think I was even capable or worthy of doing that. I stopped talking to my parents entirely. The stuff I went through—the injustice and the sheer senselessness of every moment—is indescribable; I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I completely retreated into myself, playing a part in public while feeling like a total idiot inside. I tanked in school; I went from being an honors student to a complete loser, an outcast that nobody wanted around. The guilt I feel for the pain and injustice I caused my parents because of my sick, sensitive, complexed-up, broken mind is horrific—it's one of the biggest reasons I wish I wasn't here. I lasted a year in college, but I failed there too and just gave up on everything, even while they were dropping huge amounts of money on me. By then, I was so far gone that I'd lost all my moral principles, and honestly, maybe I never even had any dignity to begin with. I know that even as a little kid, around 6 or 7, I felt less valuable than everyone else. Being part of a group was an impossible concept for me. Being social felt foreign, like something I just couldn't grasp. You could say I'm naturally antisocial, even though I've picked up some patterns over the years to function among people. But even today, I can't stop every little thing from hitting me hard. Anything can throw me off balance. Even comments from little kids or idiots get to me. Then I just suppress it in public because otherwise, I'd be cursing people out every single day... but once I'm home, I snap, just like a million times before. My mom tries to provoke me until I hit my breaking point, and then she starts threatening me with the police and whatever else. For years, I've intentionally made a fool of myself in social situations, trying to humiliate myself and everything I represent because I felt like I didn't deserve anything better. Because of how I act, I *don't* deserve it, and it's a vicious cycle. This injustice in the world is freaking killing me. People only see the consequences and then judge me with such attitude, acting like they couldn't have been hit by a different fate. This long-term loneliness and depression have caused my brain to lose all control. I've become a slave to my own intrusive thoughts, my complexes, and the fear that everyone is just waiting to humiliate me and succeed. I've grown to hate every person I've ever met because they hurt me, regardless of whether it's my fault or just shitty nature. Having a past like this is SO demotivating. I can't sleep at night; I stay up until dawn because I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. And even when I man up and try to fight it, I crumble like a house of cards. I'm fully aware of how beautiful life could be, in the small things and the simple daily routine.
I’m way too hyper-aware of every little thing. Every speck of dust gets under my skin, I’m constantly anxious, and I can't stop overthinking how every tiny move basically dictates my entire future. I’m trying so hard to stay focused on just being better—for myself and the people around me—but honestly? I have no clue how anyone else acts "normal." What does that even mean? Because looking at myself, I feel like we’re all just living in total chaos. I don't think anyone is actually stupid or incompetent; I think fear is just that loud. That voice telling you "you can't" is huge. But you *can*. I just want to be real, because the second I try to fake it, I totally fall apart and feel pathetic. I seriously cannot handle any kind of provocation, humiliation, or someone just picking on me. Just straight-up messing with me.
I don't know what to do or how to fix this. I don't even know if there's a diagnosis out there for me. Does anyone in the world actually have the answers? If they do, it feels like it would take forever unless they have some magic wand to just wave and make everything perfect again. Maybe someone will look at me and think, "Well, at least I don't have it as bad as them," and feel better about themselves. If not, whatever. Every single time I deal with people, it's just this sick tension and the fear that they're gonna try to tear me down—which they usually do once they smell weakness. It's been like this my whole life and I'm so damn done with it. I don't know if there's any way to protect myself from people other than just running away from everything I do. Most people have these automatic defense mechanisms built-in—they say things just to avoid being vulnerable or to strike first—but I'm stuck. I don't know what to do.

Why on earth are you taking these people so seriously? Most of them don't even have a clue why they exist or what they're doing here, so they lash out just because they're lost. Honestly, if you tried to show some empathy toward them—and yourself—you might find you aren't quite so thin-skinned. Why give them so much power over you?
Regardless, go see a therapist and talk it out. It’s always easier when you're speaking to someone who actually understands the weight of your issues.
My struggle is slightly different; I tend to take everyone far too seriously, and frankly, sometimes I don't even understand myself. I end up completely blindsided whenever I say something and realize someone took offense.

Man, I can get stuff done when I actually try, but honestly? People's sensitivity just kills my vibe. Like, who cares if some idiot's comment gets in my head? It's just stupid weakness.

Try to remember that absolutely nobody is worth losing your cool over.

I’m not some therapist, so I can’t give you professional advice. I can only speak for myself and tell you what I think.
You’re an adult. You clearly know how much you've been struggling mentally, and you’ve probably tried to fix it on your own without any luck. There’s no shame in getting professional help.
If you realize you can't handle this alone, it's only logical to look for help from someone else. That’s why you even posted this on the forum. Go see a specialist. Sit down, talk it out, vent everything, and get a professional opinion on what's going on. Maybe then you'll actually get some help.
Like others have already said, you only get one life. If this is how you're living it, it isn't really living. You always have the option to live better.

Lawrence King572 said:Let's move this conversation to private messages. 🤷

Taylor Swift, you absolute legend!!! 👍😂

You're basically Elon Musk!

Back to the point: honestly, go find a hobby that actually feeds your soul. Something where you can be on your own, get a little sweat going, and feel that rush of adrenaline.