Posts by Carol Barrett2

For me, ideas are basically pure inspiration—they’re what keep me going—it's just a shame that nobody ever seems to listen when I bring them up.

Joseph Fowler33 said:Looks like I’m not the only one dealing with F.20.0 over here. Is anyone else getting Trevicta prescribed? Also, I'd love to hear what medications you guys are on and which hospitals or clinics you usually head to for your checkups.
Best,

I'm on four different kinds, six times total—Motrin x2, Zoloft x1, Prilosec x2, and Xanax x1. Honestly, I don't even bother with regular checkups. This stuff almost completely wiped us out over here. I just head to the Community Health Center once a year; otherwise, the hospital bills are just too much.

Dealing with these health issues is just exhausting—honestly, whenever I see people struggling even harder than I am, I try to tell myself I’m doing alright, but man, these blackouts are just brutal. One time, during one of those episodes, I actually tumbled right out into the street and got hit by a car.

Luckily, I didn't walk away with anything life-threatening, though I've still got the scars on my chin and head to prove it. Even after the impact, I just kept moving—acting like nothing happened—until the paramedics finally tracked me down and picked me up. I didn't even realize a car had actually struck me.

@Harold Anderson3, glad you're still working. Hang in there as long as you can. I’d be working too if I could, but honestly, I’m not physically up to it. Besides, there isn't much work to go around here even for healthy people, let alone those of us dealing with this stuff.

Everything feels fine as long as we aren't dealing with these blackouts. I haven't had one in two years now. Almost two full years. It'll be the two-year anniversary of my old man passing soon. The last time this happened to me was when he was having his stroke—basically, a day later, I lost it and ended up in the hospital.

We both ended up in the hospital at the exact same time, staying in rooms right across from each other.

I'm pretty sure we were admitted on the same day; my mom told me the next day that I had been checked in.

Harold Anderson3 said:I'm currently working here, but if this whole thing falls apart for whatever reason, I guess I'll just have to figure out my next move then.

@ Carol Barrett2, there isn't really much I can buy right now. I could technically pay off all my loans, but honestly, I'd end up homeless and without an address in the process.

I had that dream again recently—the one where I take my own life. In the dream, I swallowed a massive amount of pills and caused total chaos throughout the city. My mom was there, too.

Work hasn't been easy lately either; I'm out in the field, far from home, and I probably won't be back by Christmas. For now, I'm just taking it as it comes. Once things grind to a halt, we'll see what happens next...

Life just sucks sometimes. Like my cousin always says, it grinds you down and pushes you around, especially if you just let it happen. We've gotta fight as long as we can. Don't let it get to you. 🙂

I don't know if this is a stupid question, but @Harold Anderson3, could you actually sell that property, pay off the mortgage, and just pick up something smaller for yourself? Maybe somewhere nearby or even somewhere totally different.

We’d sell ours in a heartbeat, but since we haven't done any renovations, we're basically stuck—you can't exactly flip a house when the bank is breathing down your neck to seize it.

All we can do is hope that my wife and I can at least chip away at the debt—maybe even clear it—while my sister tries to see if she and her husband can sell their place or at least fix it up enough to move.

Though, honestly, my wife keeps telling me they can't just throw me out onto the streets that easily—not before they make sure I've got somewhere to go, like a nursing home or some kind of subsidized housing.

If you could actually provide some financial stability to someone living with schizophrenia, they’d be better off immediately—but what does "financial stability" even mean? Having some kind of steady income if you're unemployed? Honestly, back when I had zero income, my episodes were way worse than they are now that I have something coming in. Even though, because of how we handled things, we're sitting in debt right now. If I'd had a regular check coming in, we could have just paid the utility bills and wouldn't be facing this massive hole. Our debt is about one-fifth of our house's value. We managed to shave about 10% off it recently, mostly by dealing with those collectors who were actually threatening to seize the property and kick us out.

The three of us were basically surviving on minimum Social Security. Luckily, my mom used to work and still does; she's always figured a way to keep us afloat, and now she's supporting both me and herself. My own benefits wouldn't even come close to covering the household expenses.

I've been doing pretty well for almost two years straight. Every once in a while, something hits me—I don't know how to describe it... it isn't an episode, it isn't anxiety, it's more like this crushing sense of guilt or sickness. It gets so bad I feel like I'm breathing fire or I start hitting myself in the head, hurling insults at myself.

Every case of schizophrenia is different, much like autism, and there's a link between them. Some institute discovered it recently. A lot of people who had milder forms of autism ended up developing schizophrenia later in life.

There’s a reason "schizophrenia" translates to a "split mind." We have to live with this and fight it just like any other illness, or anything else in life, really. Unfortunately, we're stuck dealing with this crap.

For me personally, several different things probably contributed to the diagnosis. I had penicillin in my system as a kid, I dealt with seizures... it's possible the seeds of schizophrenia were planted early on, and then things spiraled when my liver and vision started failing.

Look, I'm no genius—I don't claim to be—I'm just saying what I've read, what I've realized, and what I've gathered about this disease so far. I might be wrong.

I don't know.

Nicholas Bailey3 said:Glad you got your status sorted out—it’s not exactly rocket science to change it later if things shift 👍

+1 thanks

I’ve been doing alright for almost two years now—well, as "alright" as you can be when you're dealing with paranoid schizophrenia. Some days it feels like I’m right on the edge of a total breakdown. I remember this one time, some guys and my old lady were acting all aggressive when we were leaving a building, and they both started ganging up on me, making me feel like they were actually going to do something. Honestly, I can’t even put into words the sheer chaos spinning through my head in that moment.

Woke up feeling a bit rougher this morning. I bought a new phone, but the SIM ejector tool just won't budge, and out of pure anxiety, I ended up hitting myself in the head—not my best move, considering it's a brand-new device and dealing with returns and warranties here in the States is such a massive, exhausting ordeal.

I'm okay now, though. Whatever happens, happens. We finally sorted out my benefits, but it's not exactly a full payout. It's a mess because I had two different doctors give me totally different ratings: one doctor evaluated me at 100% disability and stripped my ability to work entirely, while another doctor pegged me at 90%. So, one says I'm Category I and the other says Category II. Typical.

We aren't going to file an appeal just yet, but with inflation being what it is lately, it looks like we might eventually have to.

Just hanging in there, mostly.

Psychiatric facilities are all under video surveillance now—except for the VC, apparently.

Harold Anderson3 said:Here’s a little bit of good news for once... There might be an opening at my dad's company, and he's thinking about bringing me on board.

His business mainly deals with grains, corn, sunflowers, and all that—things like silos, seed supplies, and custom animal feed blends. That’s where this specific position just opened up. I actually spent some time working there about two years back.
I think I’m going to go for it. I’d love to have something steady under my belt, but since things haven't quite worked out that way yet, I’m just taking whatever opportunities come my way. Honestly, sitting around feeling sorry for myself because life has been a bit rough and my health hasn't been great doesn't really get me anywhere. Sure, I deal with my fair share of struggles, but wallowing in self-pity isn't going to fix anything. If I can work, at least I'll have a way to make a living and stay on top of my bills. I know disability benefits are always an option down the road, but I don't think it's time for that just yet. As long as there’s a chance to pull my weight and hold down a job, I’m going to take it.

👍

Harold Anderson3 said:Can you believe it? When Grandma passed away, she was only about eighty-three, so it felt inevitable that Mom would follow pretty soon given her health. Now that Mom is gone, I feel like I'm just waiting for my own turn to go, one way or another... I honestly don't have the heart for anything anymore.

Hang in there, take care of yourself. 🙂

Man, @Harold Anderson3, you’re really going through it. It’s such a shame to have to cut this short—I hate even talking about it—but we're dealing with these sharks over at JP Morgan trying to snatch our apartment away. They jacked up the interest rates on the utility debts until it was impossible, and all we had to work with for years was the absolute minimum pension... just us four, then three

The whole goal now is just to pay off these old vultures while we've still got some life left in us, just so we can actually keep this place

We’ll find out today—fingers crossed the money actually hits my account by tonight.

bluegardener said:Wait, why was your ability to work taken away? Did you fail a medical exam or something else happen?

It’s due to illness—just trying to get my disability benefits and family pension sorted out.

Harold Anderson3 said:Wait, what actually got resolved?

benefits

I finally got an answer regarding my benefits—since I’m officially out of the workforce now—but honestly, it's a mess. Because the money stopped coming in, I've ended up buried under a mountain of utility bills and interest charges. Just one thing after another.

Looks like my situation might finally be sorted out, though I won't know for sure until next month 🎉

Nicholas Bailey3 said:What a joke

It’s not like you actually applied for that forklift operator gig...

Maybe they think I've got schizophrenia—and honestly, why would they want someone like that on the payroll? That’s straight-up discrimination right there. Personally, I’ve been declared unfit for work and I'm just sitting around waiting for the Social Security Administration to approve my disability pension. If they reject me, we'll have to file an appeal regarding the disability rating. I'm currently at Category II, though it really should be Category I since I can barely handle basic daily tasks on my own without help.

Right now, I'm on a cocktail of Modafinil, Aripiprazole, Prazosin, and Ativan—doses are roughly 1-0.5; 1; 1-0.5; 1; then 1, 25, 25, and 5 mg. The only downside is the sleep. I've been sleeping for years, even before these pills started, just drifting off for 12 to 20 hours a day—sometimes hitting the 20-hour mark, easily.

I’ve been telling people for years that I might actually have narcolepsy.

It's been about a year and a half since I was last hospitalized.

But yeah, I'm still mostly living in my own little world, almost constantly.

@DR handles this illness pretty well—I haven't lectured him on it, and besides, I'm currently 🎉

Good luck, @Harold Anderson3—I’m still sitting here waiting on my paperwork to clear, so fingers crossed everything goes smoothly

Even after pulling a solid ten-hour sleep—which, honestly, I probably needed after being out of commission for two weeks or so—I might actually find the motivation to shave today. My beard is getting ridiculous. I guess that’s what happens when you spend most of your time sleeping and living inside your own head. Anyway, I managed to scribble down a chorus for a song about Billie yesterday.

Song posted Monday, February 14, 2022
16:12:39

I know I won't cry, I know I never will, I know I won't cry, not like I did for you, Billie. I know I won't cry, I know I never will, I know I won't cry, not like I did for you, Billie, my one and only love, my everything.

Billie, Billie, my one and only love, Billie, Billie, my everything. Billie, Billie, my one and only love, Billie, Billie, my everything.

wiredmarlin29 said:Just a +1?
I don't get it. I'm here trying to show support, rooting for this community, and wishing everyone nothing but better days and easier nights... and all I get back is a +1?
So much for good intentions, I guess.
At least give me a +3.☕

Well, call me a clickbait artist then, because I'm officially signing off on that. Thanks for the sign-ups, everyone—wishing us all the best of luck. 🙂

My bad for not being clearer right away—damn, sometimes even online communication is a total disaster for me. In person, it’s even worse.