Posts by Chris Lopez59

quietranger14 said:If there was some gadget that could just download your words directly into my brain—so they became part of my own internal monologue and how I view myself—then maybe I'd finally be a sane person.

I still feel like I'm totally nuts, or at least a little bit off-kilter
If only I thought the same way you do.

Are you really afraid to admit it?
You are perfectly fine; honestly, you think more clearly than most people out there who claim to be totally normal.

quietranger14 said:So, quick question... I can talk about the abuse now without breaking down—I mean, it still hits me occasionally, but it's rare. Is that just my brain using some defense mechanism like isolation of affect, or what?

Honestly, I’d say you’ve just grown stronger and already cried out the bulk of those tears; you've basically watered over that part of your past. Being able to talk about it at all is a testament to your resilience and your courage to face things head-on. If you really feel the need to compare yourself to others, then compare yourself to all the people who simply can't and don't have the strength to speak up or confront their own history. That alone should be enough for your self-esteem.😘

quietranger14 said:I actually agree—you can definitely have confidence without having any self-respect. I was thinking about it last night; I’m pretty sure I can pull off just about anything if I put in the work, but when I bomb a midterm or some other exam, I just tell myself I didn't try hard enough or the professor was a total jerk. 😬
On the flip side, I don't value anything I achieve—nothing I do feels like it actually matters, so maybe I get a quick hit of adrenaline and then it’s just back to baseline. As for my boyfriend, we've been together two years, and honestly, he must be blind or just completely delusional to stick around this long. I think I’d lose my mind if he were anything like me... but that’s just my take. He thinks I'm not even that bad. I’m a total hypocrite when it comes to myself versus everyone else—if I met someone who had survived what I went through, I’d respect them to high heaven. Just like I’d respect you, Chris Peterson53. But personally? I feel like I haven't done anything special, even though I really wish I could find a way to value it.

I also agree that everyone who deals with abuse is their own unique case. One thing might help one person, something else helps another; some people move on, while others—like a woman I met at the hospital—never stop dwelling on it after a breakdown.

And I’m with Chris Peterson53 on this: you can't truly understand it unless you've lived it. You might accept it, sure, but you'll never fully grasp it.

The truth is, I still don't get the exact moment I broke. I know it sounds stupid. My father raped me, but why does everyone treat it like such an unbearable tragedy? I can't wrap my head around how fragile the human mind actually is. We studied family dynamics in psychology class—it's all about balance. Too much affection and spoiling a kid is bad; not enough love is also bad. Maybe I'm just too green to get it yet... but I really want to.

I have to admit, betiboop's post actually comforted me a little. There was something in there that made me believe I might actually build up some self-respect, confidence, an ego—all the stuff I need to be a better person. Maybe I just tried to fix everything at once, since I managed to settle most of my guilt issues in just five sessions with my therapist.

I should tell you guys about my turning point. I was sitting with my therapist talking about depression, my reckless behavior, and all that fun stuff, and he told me I’d reached a crossroads. It was time to decide: do I go back to the old ways, or do I finally draw a line under everything I never want to repeat? He said I had to choose. So, there I am, sitting on a train heading to New York City, with three hours of solitude, and I suddenly start crying. I realized right then that I had to make that choice—that there would be no going back. If I didn't, every depressive episode would just be a cycle of self-pity. And I decided I wasn't going to give up anymore. It wasn't a massive, cinematic moment; it was more subtle, like deciding to quit smoking and just... not buying the packs anymore. From that moment on, life started looking like a much better place.

One more thing for Chris Peterson53: I know that struggle with anger management. A couple of years ago, I had those outbursts—not necessarily hitting people, but the kind of verbal aggression meant solely to hurt. It took a hell of a lot of effort to dial it down to something tolerable. Now, I'm mostly fighting the urge to control things. I constantly have to tell myself, "Don't micromanage your boyfriend... just stop."

Now that is what I call self-respect.😘

quietranger14 said:You aren't being pathetic. I get it—everyone deals with their own baggage, and honestly, I’d love to just sit down for a coffee with my dad and actually talk, too. But I know deep down that wouldn't change a thing. I'm sorry you're going through all this—I was just reading your thread and 👍
He didn't just say those things to me once upon a time; he kept it up during everything, even afterward. I don't try to wrap my head around his logic because I feel like I'd end up becoming him just to understand... and that scares the hell out of me. He had to control everything—every single detail of my life. Where I went, who my friends were—he'd even wait for me after school just to watch who I hung out with, making sure there wasn't some guy nearby trying to steal me away. Now, I worry that I’m subconsciously trying to micromanage the people around me, even though I swear I'm not. I work so hard to avoid the kind of aggressive outbursts he had (including the physical stuff). I’m terrified I'll wake up one morning and realize I've turned into him.
That is the last thing I ever want to be.

There is absolutely no way you could ever become him.😘
From everything you've shared here, it's obvious to me that you're built from some incredibly tough stuff; despite everything that happened to you throughout your childhood, you've managed to rise above it all and emerge as someone high-quality, resilient, intelligent, and frankly, pretty incredible. People deal with much less traumatic stuff and it still leaves them completely broken.

But regardless of any of that, there's really no point in comparing yourself to anyone else. It's not like you even *can* compare yourself to anyone. You have your own life to lead, and I have zero doubt that you're going to make something huge out of it 😉 especially after surviving all of this, trust me, you're worth so much more than you think 😘

Let me try to actually be useful for once...

I was reading this one book—pretty much a staple on any bestseller list these days—that argues men basically need to feel needed, you know? Like they have to feel useful to some degree just to keep the depression at bay.

So, honestly, you just need someone to rely on you, or maybe just find some kind of purpose where you can actually feel like you're making a difference.

Hurricane
Townes van Zandt

There are times when I honestly have no clue
Where this godforsaken stretch of highway is dragging me
And frankly, most days I can't even find a damn reason to keep going
So I suppose I just keep placing my bets
Living off cheap whiskey and wandering aimlessly
Because anything beats just sitting there waiting for the end to come

It happened once, folks, I actually had a woman
I even had a family
He lashed out at her with a belt just because she shed a tear
Hurricane
Hurricane
Anything beats just sitting there waiting for the end to come

Once I finally grew up, I crossed paths with a girl
Down at some dive bar in Alabama
She bled me dry and played me like a fool behind my back
I tried to drown the heartache in a bottle of wine
And jumped on a freight train
It felt better than just sitting there waiting for the end to come

A buddy told me he had a lead
On a way to make some quick cash
We hit a guy, and let me tell you, we ran like hell
But the cops eventually cornered me
And hauled my sorry ass back to Oklahoma
It’s been two endless years of just waiting for death to claim me

But now that I've finally walked free from the yard
I’ve actually found myself a companion at last
He doesn't touch the bottle, he doesn't steal, and he won't tell you a single lie
His name is codine
Honestly, he's the kindest soul I've ever encountered
Hurricane
Hurricane

Gregory Miller4 said:If I actually wanted to end it all, I wouldn't be hanging out here. I am actively looking for a way out of this mess.🙂

Even Townes didn't go out like that, he just kept waiting 🙂 witnesses claim he was knocking back bourbon like it was plain old water, straight from a glass 😲

Just grab a drink and put some Townes Van Zandt on
maybe start with "😁Hurricane
"

George Barrett35 said:It’s exactly like writing checks, really. You don't even need to have the cash sitting in your account right now, as long as the funds are there on the day the payment actually clears. It functions just like using a revolving credit card, only you aren't getting hammered by interest rates.

It’s hardly a drawback, really; it's just that the amount they let you split into installments is capped by whatever your overdraft limit happens to be.

Look, a revolving credit line without the interest is a pretty solid way to put it, and honestly, it just goes to show how much people love these installment plans.

George Barrett35 said:It’s exactly like writing checks, really. You don't even need to have the cash sitting in your account right now, as long as the funds are there on the day the payment actually clears. It functions just like using a revolving credit card, only you aren't getting hammered by interest rates.

It’s hardly a drawback, really; it's just that the amount they let you split into installments is capped by whatever your overdraft limit happens to be.

I get where you're coming from, but don't be such a stickler over semantics😉 whether we're talking about an overdraft, the approved limit for installment loans, or the total allowed credit debt, the bottom line is the same.😁

Sam Murphy said:But how can you say that? If I'm already deep in the red, there's no way on earth I'm getting approved for a loan...😬

Chase actually lets you snag an extra, special overdraft limit on your Maestro card that matches whatever credit limit they’ve already set for your checking account. The best part—and I mean this sincerely—is that your first installment doesn't even kick in until a full month after the transaction hits, which is a massive upgrade from how things used to work with checks where they’d usually just snatch that first payment right out of your account immediately. Because of that buffer, you don't even need to have a single cent sitting in your account to pull off a purchase on the installment plan. 👍

It’s actually a pretty solid setup. It basically acts as a check replacement, but with much higher limits, which is a huge plus. The only real headache is that if a merchant hasn't already set up their card processing through Chase, they can't touch those Maestro installment plans. Wells Fargo managed to pull it off using their GoCard system, though it's essentially the same deal—they just rely on their own specific network of merchants. Banks usually need some downtime to roll out support for Maestro installments on their POS terminals, and besides that, the merchant has to officially sign off on accepting them. I mean, someone has to foot the bill for those interest-free installments, and since it clearly isn't the customer—who's paying the exact same price—the merchant ends up absorbing the cost through a commission fee.