Nancy Hernandez43 said:Sometimes you just have to tell it like it is. We need to remember how much our patients struggle on their own, and honestly, how selfish we can be. We get so caught up in our own desire to keep them hanging on as long as possible, but at the end of the day, that choice belongs to them.
Don't get me wrong—not everyone is built for these kinds of brutal fights, and honestly, it’s a lot to process when you realize it's actually happening to them.
I lost both of my parents to cancer... My dad passed away from the absolute worst kind, going through more pain than anyone should ever have to endure. It’s the kind of thing where even if you try to imagine it, it’s almost impossible to wrap your head around—believe me, I couldn't even begin to picture it before it actually happened.
I remember asking an oncologist once how she’d actually describe the kind of pain someone goes through in the terminal stage. She didn't sugarcoat it at all. She told me, "Imagine someone taking a chainsaw to one of your limbs while you're wide awake, with zero anesthesia." And then she said that's nothing—maybe a 1/10—compared to what patients with bone cancer feel. Since that type of cancer hits the lymph nodes too, it's considered one of the absolute worst because the whole body is involved. It's like your entire system is just breaking down from the inside out... it's heavy stuff.
Right when Dad was on his deathbed, Mom got hit with a breast cancer diagnosis. She went in for that first big follow-up exam and just decided right then and there: she wasn't going to do any treatment. For the next three and a half years, I was right there by her side, watching every single high and low as she fought through it. In her own mind, she just didn't see herself as sick, so why bother with the doctors? Even when she had this massive open wound across her abdomen that eventually healed up, she still insisted she was fine. She basically just checked out of life and made peace with dying. She didn't take matters into her own hands or anything, she just let time take its course.
When someone is dealing with a really heavy illness, logic usually goes right out the window. It’s hard for those around them to truly grasp what's actually going on inside their heads. We might see what's happening on the surface, but we can never fully know the depth of what they're feeling or just how much pain they're actually enduring.
I was only in my early 20s when all this was happening, so honestly, it hit me pretty hard. There was just so much I didn't understand back then. But, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching both of my parents deal with their illnesses—and something I tell everyone now—it's this: when you see them in pain, don't let the rules stop you. Sometimes doctors won't give more morphine because they think, "Hey, they only have maybe 3 to 6 months left," and hospital protocols or ethics boards get strict about dosages, treating anything extra like it's euthanasia. Just ignore that mindset. Find a way to get them what they need. If they're asking for it, give it to them. And even when they can't really eat anymore? If they suddenly crave a banana cake—the kind where you have to bake it from scratch or drive all the way across town to find it—just do it. You might know deep down they won't be able to finish a single bite, but that doesn't matter. Buying it, baking it, or bringing it to them provides those tiny little moments of joy during the hardest days of your life. It's worth it.
And at the end of the day, we’re the ones left behind picking up the pieces... and honestly, it hurts. People love to say that time heals all wounds, but I think that's a lie. Time doesn't actually fix anything; it just makes that empty hole in your chest and the ache you feel a little more manageable over time. But let's be real—the pain they’re going through is on a whole different level. It's physical, it's brutal, and no matter how much medicine you throw at it, there comes a point where the body just hits its limit. When things reach that stage, you have to be selfless. You have to let them go if there’s no way back. Holding on because *we* want them here longer only ends up dragging out their agony, and honestly, it's just as hard on both sides. Also, please, don't ever judge people for how they deal with loss. Everyone handles grief differently. Don't pressure anyone—including yourself—to act a certain way or follow some social rulebook on how "mourning" should look. Every patient fights their battle in their own way, and everyone who survives them carries that loss in their own unique way, too.
To everyone going through exactly what I went through ten years ago: I’m sending you so much love. Seriously, I just want the best for you all. I hope you find the strength to carry whatever weight life has thrown your way, and honestly? I hope you have the guts to break the rules if that’s what it takes to get by...