Hannah Thomas28 said:It’s just so heavy... I’ve been reading through your posts for a while now, feeling somewhat like a "spy," feeding on your beautiful news while mourning the tragic ones.
My mother’s pancreatic cancer metastasized to her liver after only two months... At first, we were in total shock when they told us after the surgery that she might not even survive the day, because they "lost" her during the procedure three times. I can't even describe how hard I cried back then! I truly thought I wouldn't see her again, let alone hold her. But we made it through that part. She’s doing well and looks wonderful. So how can she still have cancer?!!!!!
She knows about the cancer, but she doesn't know about the metastasis, and of course, she isn't aware of those horrific medical prognoses. She isn't undergoing chemotherapy or radiation, because they told her it wouldn't help at this stage.
It is so difficult to watch someone who has energy, who looks healthy, shows no symptoms or pain... she is even hungry.
I had hope, but I feel like I am losing it. I am just surrendering to it. Today, I am depressed. But this isn't really me...
She’s taking so many things. B17, reishi, silver water, apricot kernels, noni juice, nettle... I’m even considering energy healers. I honestly don't know anymore.
We had finally managed to "stabilize" things—thinking that since there is cancer, one can still live with it, especially since there are no metastases and everything else looks clear. And then, out of nowhere, comes this blow yesterday.
"It isn't good," the doctor says...
And yet, I have to play the part of the cheerful, upbeat daughter, when all I really want to do is run into her arms and scream, "Mom, please help me." Instead, she’s the one trying to help me!!!
I have retreated into the dark chambers of my own temple, where tears and fears have become my only demons...
Sometimes I escape to the rooms of my childhood, because those demons aren't allowed in there...
What can I say... I have always told everyone that before they lash out at their loved ones with foolish words, insults, or anger, they should stop and realize that a day will come when they will be begging to turn back time, wishing they hadn't said certain things or perhaps wishing they had said more. And so, I suppose I must think the same way... as if time could actually be reversed. Just a little longer...
I feel like a sailboat out on the open ocean being battered by winds from every direction, and I simply don't know how to set the sails; the waves strike me from all sides, spinning me in circles... God, please help me set my sails and catch my wind.
My name is Sorrow.
I know exactly what you are feeling. When Mom was diagnosed with cancer, the sentence: "You have six months ahead of you, days spent counting down the life left, if you can hold out... but I won't lie to you," just kept echoing and echoing... every single day brought a new experience, a new attempt, a new moment of joy—and quite literally, our entire lives transformed from day to day, sometimes from hour to hour...
When the crises hit and Mom lost her strength—I cried like a torrential rainstorm; there was no other emotion inside me besides pure sorrow. When I found out we had actually surpassed the six months they had promised us, my brother and I were jumping for joy—but Mom couldn't understand that. Yet, we understand that massive surge of energy that arises precisely because of that sorrow and the pain of stress.
I don't know how much of a shock it is to hear that the cancer has metastasized, and I hope I never have to experience that myself... but please, stay brave and don't let the shock crush you. Take care of yourself and preserve your energy, so that you can give Mom a reason to keep fighting.
I truly hope you find a way to treat her! Kisses