How to perform a proper breast self-exam?

Dea, I already told you everything over text

I was pulling an all-nighter for you the other night
Sorry I couldn't pull through tonight, so you had to step up😢

Next TUESDAY, you're taking the night shift for me. I expect you to be happy, relieved, and actually smiling, because that little mess we dealt with was no joke

And I really hope this painful disaster of mine isn't a big deal either

"The worst part doesn't even hurt," I tell myself

..waiting and waiting and waiting..

And no, ma'am, the results aren't in yet. Call back after two...
They told me they'd be ready as soon as possible, most likely Tuesday, yeah.. Most likely..

Screw everyone, and I mean EVERYONE who uses the word "probably" or "likely" just as a way to build a fence around themselves to hide behind! To hell with them!! Seriously.

I mean, probably... What kind of cover-up is this, for God's sake!!!!!
How is it that I, an expert at spotting cover-ups, never saw this coming???????

Oh, my dear Septimus, you've made my morning so much softer with that text. And you know, I'll be there, I KNOW how these last few days are going to feel for you... I know how it is, my dear.
And you know, people are right when they say the worst part doesn't even hurt, because it really is true. It’s probably just a cyst or some fatty tissue, just like what my own results will show.

I just need them to GIVE it to me, damn them! So I can READ that it's nothing!
And I swear on my life, I will never again say my girls' hips are small just to make them sound bigger, or for this, or for that. They are the most beautiful in the world because they nourished my little guy for two years, and even if they weren't—they're still the most beautiful in the world!!! And the healthiest in the world! They'll be the healthiest forever and I love them so much!

I know it isn't two yet, but maybe I'll call anyway, though I'd just end up breaking out in a cold sweat!

God, please give me strength
just so I can make it through Tuesday...

I honestly have no idea how you all deal with this...
Just endless words, panic, being terrified, being furious, the sheer nausea—it’s just too much, damn it all ☕

IT'S OVERRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't have cancer. I refuse to even say that foul, disgusting word. I D O N ' T H A V E I T!!!!

Mark and I were both sobbing and hugging, then I was crying and screaming again, and now I'm laughing, and everything is just... 🙂

God, what a mess I am. I should probably be banned from every single sub-forum, considering I'll likely be sentenced to a year of unpaid internship at a poultry farm just for causing this much drama... my dear little hens 🙂

And everyone just has to suck it up and say: "Yes, dear, you're right..." and A69... 😁

God, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll lick up every bit of crap I spat out over there in Elgin via phone, and tomorrow I'll do it in person. I'll bring them flowers, coffee, and some Krispy Kreme donuts and everything!!!!!!

My wife told me over the phone that it isn't cancer, that nothing is malignant, and that I'll get the results tomorrow morning. She wouldn't even try to read them for me, so I'll actually be able to tell you all tomorrow—probably around noon when I'm back—exactly which bastard is messing with my beautiful, healthy girls.

God, I'm so happy!

Casey Palmer5 darling, don't go erasing anything until Septimus gets back with those results. Let him see the chaos we've been through, so it feels less shameful to write about this and cough it all up... otherwise, I'll just end up looking like an even bigger fool. 😁 Ma, I'm such a jerk 🙂

Man, I'd invite you all over for dessert right now—corn on the cob, actually, it's still warm. We'd drink like it was our last night, singing and vomiting because my cocktails would probably make us all sick. 🙂

God, I'm so happy!

Tra-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la... you know what? As much as I was wailing and howling and acting like I was in a coma—it was actually easier to endure it then than it is now, now that you guys have caught the chills too. 😁

God, I'm so happy!

Septimus dear, let's aim for Tuesday. Once you get those results, you'll be on a plane to Zion....

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you all so, so much. 🙂

slyraven82 said:.. And we'd drink like there's no tomorrow, singing our heads off until we were puking because my cocktails would probably make us all sick 🙂 [/B]

Well, I just poured myself another one.
I haven't even had nearly as much as when we were chatting earlier.
🙂

If that weird little freak—you know, that untouchable genetic glitch—doesn't bother you,
then this constant throbbing ache of mine, which keeps shifting shape and intensity, shouldn't either, right?
right?

Anyway, I'm definitely drinking tonight just to be safe.
And I'm not skipping Tuesday out of spite.😁

I honestly don't even know what to say because I felt this incredible rush of pure happiness just reading that post.

Septimus... I am sending you all the good vibes for your Tuesday.

🙂

I didn't say a word 😍 😘 😘 🙂

Septimus.... 😢 🙂

😘 👋 🙂 🙂

You really made my day! I’m seriously so happy 🙂)))

And I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for Septimus too!

I actually got chills reading that!🙂

I am seriously so happy for you!! Now 🙂 i 🙂 i 🙂

You’ve really given me something to chew on, though. Ever since I hit puberty, my boobs have been a total disaster. First they showed up out of nowhere, then they were way too big, and now they’re just... shapeless and kind of pathetic. Reading your posts gave me actual goosebumps.
There is no way I’m getting rid of mine. No way! Even if they look a little rough, I’d rather have them—especially if they’re healthy.
Stay healthy and stay happy, okay?

Septimus - 🙂 what a freaking Tuesday! 🙂

Man, oh man, this is absolutely killer news! 🙂 I am seriously stoked for you, Dea 🙂
I'm totally jumping in on the celebration—cheers to everyone, may we all live to see another hundred years! 😁 🙂 🙂 🙂 👋 🙂

wow ladies, you guys are out cold 👋

I honestly thought nobody would even bother replying to me here, so I went ahead and started a new thread over on Reddit

thhhhhhhhx

>> Thanks for the breakdown, det. I'm about 99.9999999999999999% convinced she’s just your typical, harmless sociopath

but that tiny 0.000000000000001% chance? That’s where the actual psychos live 😢

I am honestly just so thrilled that things worked out this way, and I couldn't be happier for you!

🙂 🙂 🙂

Septimus, watch your back! 🙂 🙂

A little tipsy right now, just a tiny bit 🙂

The Cabernet is swaying me gently... just the way it knows how...
Cheers to you all... a few rounds 🙂

I went back to read through your posts again—so much encouragement, warmth, kindness, care....
We really are such a great crew. Spanning a hundred different pages, different ages, different ways of thinking... but when someone is struggling, when someone needs support, it’s as if a cocoon of positivity forms around them. At least, that’s how it felt to me being here...

It’s like walking into a local diner where everyone knows your face... And when they see you walk in with slumped shoulders and a heavy heart... everyone just steps up to lift you. Someone gives you a smile to help you stand taller, someone orders you a beer, someone starts a conversation... and suddenly, you feel better.

I feel so light... almost floating 🙂

And I even slathered my chest in the most expensive cream I could find in the house 😎

I know it's probably time for me to move on, browse the Forum, go write something else somewhere else... but I think I'll stay here and celebrate with you all for a little longer... even if it's just in intervals and from a different physical reality... but somehow together...

Chin-chin to everyone whose eyes have read these lines, to everyone who cheered, who was sure everything would be okay, who hoped right along with me, and to everyone who just smiled reading this..
To your health, everyone... to all of us...

Septimus, cheers to you, dear... you'll see that the checkup will show you're healthy, that you're doing fine. We're keeping our fingers crossed tightly for you, hoping right alongside you.

Kimberly Chase54, give Mama a hug for me 🙂

And ladies, seriously, please get those chests checked out. There is no shame in it, for heaven's sake! It can actually be a relief 😎 If anyone doesn't know how, I'll show them, especially if they're from Zion 😁 Or even if they aren't 🙂
Vubiti would kill me, darling, if she read this 😁 Pipanje is Pipanje; as if that has anything to do with gender, damn it, Dea! I can hear her voice already 😁

Alright, one more sip... and I love you all a thousand times over.. and thank you, thank you endlessly

I’d definitely toast to you, but I’ve had a few too many beers tonight.
I’m basically running on pure ethanol until morning 😁

Nicotine, too.

But honestly, I’m also feeling incredibly energized because I spent the day at this really special spot.
So, I’m sending some of those good vibes your way up north 🙂

🙂

Come on...
Huge weight off my shoulders.
😘

Chin-chin! 🙂 🙂 🙂

Man, the wind was really howling out at Central Park today. If I hadn't been anchored by my healthy, beautiful, massive tits, I probably would have been blown away entirely. 😁

Anyway—here are the results.

The lump is clear of anything over 5mm; underneath the clear area, it’s fibro-cystic mastopathy II (if I read that correctly)... and it also notes intra-canalicular epithelium, stratified, without atypia.
Increased risk due to positive family history; follow-up ultrasound in 6 months, annual mammogram.

I need to keep the images on file so we can track how this "thing" progresses.

And now, the translation I had to ask them for... (Septimus, listen up!)
Basically, because of all this and that, which I'll list later, cysts and mastopathy develop. In layman's terms, these results come from the breasts' inability to absorb the "monthly hormonal workload"—one specific part of the breast tissue fails to process it properly, and on that "unresponsive" section, cysts and mastopathy start forming. See, during the monthly cycle, the ducts produce tiny amounts of secretion from the mammary glands, but in some places, those ducts don't "clear out," the surrounding tissue doesn't absorb it... and there you go, Jack.

To put it even more bluntly, I have localized, partial lazy tits. 😁 Jack them!

So, why does this happen?
Because we eat food loaded with pesticides; because we drink alcohol (though I don't quite get that part—I don't drink enough to actually be a drinker, just the occasional sip); because we hit puberty early; because we take estrogen or eat foods that mimic estrogen; because we haven't given birth (which isn't true for me, I've given birth); because we aren't breastfeeding (again, not applicable here, I nursed for two years); because some women have ovarian dysfunction (Magična, is that perhaps what happened to you, dear??); some women deal with it due to weight issues; because we eventually cross the 50 mark; genetics... and maybe just because we have breasts in the first place.

Some types of mastopathy, the milder ones, aren't risky. But the larger, denser, more extensive ones—combined with genetics—set off the alarm bells. That means constant monitoring, every six months, without fail.
Stephanie, I'm glad you took such a human approach, made the right call, and are looking after yourself... big hugs.

As for how to lower the risk...
A healthy diet packed with leafy greens (kale, spinach, broccoli, chard), then carrots (carotenoids), and antioxidants, like Stella mentioned (Vitamins A, E, and C). No saturated fats—only unsaturated, like olive oil. No grilled meats, no fish (not even seitan or tofu—nothing protein-heavy on the grill), eating soy and soy products, and cutting out milk and dairy...

Regarding chemicals: using progesterone creams (I believe there are creams based on natural progesterone; a friend of mine uses them).

I'll check with my homeopath to see what she thinks about mastopathy and let you know... I don't know, herbalists, compresses... surely people manage it successfully.

Enough of that. Let's move on to sports and music (remember that old radio station?). 😁
What does it mean to be carefree? It means I was rolling around in my bikini 😁 and throwing myself at trans women—God, how did I dare?—and occasionally at men too. 😎 Lucky for me, I move on quickly. 🙂
Just for Ljubi: honey, it was sooo hot, I'm telling you...

I'll be back with some old-fashioned grandma recipes—let's see if they do anything for the tits...

Thanks again for being there, truly, for being with me.

get your butt back here right away so I can finally see all those jokes and little pranks you promised me 😉
🙂
man, good for you!
😘 🙂
🎉
I think I might just have a drink or two today in your honor too,
in Septimus's honor
actually, let's just say in our honor
🙂

I was actually a little hesitant to jump back into this thread... but then I saw all this incredible news... 🙂

Jack, I can only imagine the sheer relief you felt when those results came back... 😁