My keyboard is going absolutely haywire, what's going on?

Someone please help me—I have no idea what is going on with my computer. I can’t even type on it properly, so I’m stuck typing this out on my laptop instead...

I have an eighteen-month-old at home, and apparently, while I was away at work today, she decided to go to town on my keyboard. My wife told me she was banging on it, and now the whole thing has completely lost its mind...

The whole mess started when I realized my desktop orientation was upside down; I managed to fix that using the "landscape" setting, but the keyboard itself is an absolute disaster:

Pressing CTRL + ALT + DELETE doesn't open the task manager—it just shuts the computer down. The number 4 key triggers a shutdown. For heaven's sake... the letter C won't even register, and the macOS key (with the icon) shuts the machine off instead of opening the Start menu. When I hit the down arrow, it rotates my desktop image to the left, forcing me to rotate it back again. The up arrow puts the computer into Sleep Mode, and hitting ALT just launches the Calculator... WHAT IS HAPPENING????? What on earth could my toddler have pressed while she was smashing the keys to make everything malfunction like this? I need this computer urgently and right now it is practically USELESS!!

Everything is under control—my apologies, my little one decided to go to war with my keyboard haha 🤣, because once I swapped out that old clunker for a new one, everything started working perfectly again.

Looks like a short circuit in the keyboard. What kind of junk is this? Who even manufactured this mess?