Childhood roots

It honestly gets on my nerves how people constantly try to play detective, digging into who’s posting these threads just to see if they're being "real" or not

Does it even matter???

What matters is that the question was asked, and any bit of advice, lived experience, or word of encouragement could help someone—if not the person who posted it, then maybe someone else reading along who hasn't quite found the strength to speak up about their own struggles yet

And there are so many people out there feeling that way, mostly because they're terrified of being labeled as crazy, hysterical, or mentally unstable

I used to be right there with them, a long time ago... until I finally decided to leave everything behind and fight for the life I wanted to live

We really need to talk more openly, write more, and read up on mental health issues so we can finally strip away that layer of shame surrounding anyone dealing with them

So people don't feel like they have to hide when they visit a psychiatrist, or deal with being looked down on or pitied just because they're seeking treatment

I’m with you on this.
Because, let’s be honest—eventually, even the psychiatrists lose their minds. It’s almost like some kind of twisted symbiotic relationship.
Not all of them, obviously.
But they really need to have a certain level of finesse to handle that calling.
And more importantly, they need real guts.

vividmarlin5 said:Regarding the negativity—you’re totally right. I actually ended up venting to someone I don't even really know... they just didn't get it. They basically shut me out.

vividmarlin5, hey, if you're gonna vent to a stranger, at least pick a professional—that way you won't regret it!
It sounds like you got some bad advice earlier, but honestly, once you get some professional help, things should start feeling a bit clearer—I guess? Then, in time, you'll be able to decide for yourself how much you want to push forward. And if you happen to run into the wrong person—which, let's face it, you'll probably sense instinctively—don't lose heart! Just move on and try the next door.
Hang in there—this is all about you!
The only thing is... I'm wondering why you can't share all this stuff with your sibling? With their support and understanding, I bet everything would feel a whole lot easier to handle... Is it possible your paths in life are just that different from theirs?
Good luck!
🙂

Honestly, my only advice is to go see a professional.
I know I probably sound like a broken record by saying this, but you might have missed it earlier.
I spent years struggling with all sorts of symptoms before I finally bit the bullet and started psychotherapy. It was easily the best decision I've ever made. I still attend group therapy sessions—even though my symptoms have cleared up—because it helped me work through so much. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

One more thing. In my group, there’s a girl whose father and brother struggle with alcoholism, a woman with an alcoholic father, and another woman whose husband is an alcoholic.
It's honestly heartbreaking, isn't it?

viky said:Just like everyone else here—and I mean this sincerely—I can only suggest seeing a psychiatrist. And please, don't take this as me calling you sick or crazy. Not at all. You’re dealing with issues stemming from a rough childhood, which is just as valid as any other trauma someone might carry.
Regarding your hesitation—it’s mostly just prejudice, though living in a country like ours, I suppose I get why you feel that way. But if you actually want to feel better, you have to acknowledge the problem, and only a professional can help; you really need to realize those stigmas are only hurting you.
As for "socialized" psychiatrists—well, it's a mixed bag. If you were in San Francisco, I could probably give you a few names of doctors who are approachable but just as good as private practice ones. I'm sure you can find similar options in other major US cities.
You know deep down things won't fix themselves—so just start looking. There's no shame in therapy, and not all public doctors are bad, so what else can I say?
The sooner you seek help, the better. I'm rooting for you to find the strength to push past those prejudices. 👍

So, because of this thread, I actually swung by ExxonMobil this past Saturday just to see if anyone had responded, only to find out we're already on the second page. I'm a bit shocked—but honestly, incredibly relieved. I think I'll start responding slowly, maybe through quotes and such.

Thanks so much, viky. 🙂 🙂 Your words are actually quite encouraging, which is exactly what I need right now. I know I'm not "crazy"—I'm an adult, after all—but I still live around people who view psychiatry as a total stigma, and I need to shake that off. I'm probably the only one who thinks seeking help is normal, whereas to everyone else in my circle, it’s some abstract concept. Still, I'm preparing myself for that step because nothing else is going to work. I'm overly emotional, my self-esteem is pretty low, and I tend to shut down—so I'm certain this isn't just going to vanish on its own. Every time something bad happens, I just retreat and turn back into that pathetic kid from middle school.

Magic said:There’s essentially an equals sign between being sick and being "crazy"—if we're being honest here.

If you have a toothache, nobody feels ashamed to see a dentist.

Just head over to the first page of my "Help Me" thread and read it—it clearly shows how much shame, awkwardness, and refusal of professional help plays a role.

You really should read it.

Magic, I am definitely going to read it. 🙂
Actually, forget just reading it—I'll probably print it out so I have a hard copy right in front of me. 🙂

Thanks.

Dennis said:Soraya, bSh—now vividmarlin5—you guys really need to watch your tone.
I’d love to be wrong—if I am, then my apologies to everyone.

It’s similar, I suppose—but definitely not the same thing.
I read that post by bSh too...

And what exactly is this writer getting at here?

Even though I’m just a regular user who loves to mess around, there’s this darker side to me—a part that’s struggling and practically screaming for help. I’m honestly hoping—and maybe even counting on it—that the people here will actually be able to help.

Angela Green70 said:You’re still acting like a child.
You're just looking for compensation for everything you wanted but didn't get.
Sorry, but that isn't happening.
You can't make up for it—you can only move on.
And maybe try appreciating your siblings instead of resenting them for not being the firstborn.

True—unfortunately, I am acting that way, and I'm fully aware of it.
That's right; I can only go forward, never backward.
I don't envy my siblings for not being the firstborn—it seems I was misunderstood. Actually, I'm glad they didn't have to deal with what I did, and I'm relieved they aren't facing these things today the way I am. Though, I see they have plenty of their own issues—each in their own way. I'll likely be the first one to actually take a step toward self-help, and once I succeed, I'll certainly recommend the same to them. My sister already knows I plan on seeing a psychiatrist, and she's fine with it. The others are still kids, so we'll see. 🙂

Angela Green70 said:Your roots are part of who you are—not some imaginary childhood or a collection of cherry-picked memories.
Since you'll always be tied to your parents, I guess it’s just more... normal to accept them for who they actually are—flaws and all—rather than pretending they can be someone else just to suit you.
Maybe then you could finally start valuing yourself.
The way you're talking sounds narcissistic to me. It isn't healthy.
Depression is really just self-pity and a way to center everything around yourself.
I'm speaking from personal experience.

If you're speaking from experience, then I suppose I can't wait to reach your level of enlightenment.
I accept my parents exactly as they are—they aren't going to change. I have to be the one to change. They will never be anything else, and I don't expect them to be.
To me, depression feels like self-pity, but I have never once tried to use it to grab attention. Honestly, I would give anything to not feel this way—I certainly don't want anyone noticing me like this.

electricdriver78 said:I was feeling just like you this past summer. It’s probably good that you started venting about it—keep writing whenever you feel the urge. There are people here who get it. 😉

Maybe reading through this thread childhood trauma....might give you some courage—it certainly did for me—since then I haven't even really thought about my issues with my parents—well, maybe I feel a bit of anxiety here and there when things trigger a memory, and sometimes it feels like the past is holding me back, but those are mostly just minor setbacks that almost everyone deals with in this imperfect world. I just sit, reflect, and try to move on.

I have to say, the folks on this forum have been incredibly helpful. Thanks to everyone 😉 👋

Thanks for the link, electricdriver78. I'll definitely read your thread too—and I'll probably print it out. 🙂

electricdriver78 said:It’s honestly getting so irritating—how people constantly try to play detective, trying to figure out who's actually posting these threads and whether they're being truthful or not.
Does it even matter???
What matters is that the question was asked—and any bit of advice, personal experience, or word of support might help someone—if not the original poster, then maybe some reader who doesn't have the strength to write about their own struggles.
And there are far too many of them—people who are just terrified of being labeled as crazy, hysterical, or mentally unstable.
I used to feel that way myself—a long time ago—until I finally decided to pack up everything, head back to my hometown, and fight for my life.
We need to talk, write, and read about mental health—just so we can finally strip away that layer of shame surrounding people living with these conditions.
So they don't have to hide when visiting a psychiatrist, and so they aren't met with pity or contempt just because they're seeking treatment.

I completely agree with you, electricdriver78. If I didn't know anyone on this forum, I probably would have introduced myself using my actual name, but I haven't. I don't want to shock anyone right now—including myself, I guess. Everything will fall into place when the time comes.
I still deal with that sense of shame—though I'm hoping to move past it soon.

ironcrane122 said:vividmarlin5, go ahead and vent to a stranger—at least they’re a professional, so you won't regret it!
I suppose some people gave you decent advice up there—with professional help, things might finally settle into place, and eventually, you'll be able to decide how much more you want to deal with. If you happen to run into someone shady—which, let's face it, you'll sense instantly—don't lose heart; just move on and knock on the next door.
Fight for it—it's about you!
Only thing is, I don't get how you can't share all this with your brother or sister... With their support, surely navigating this would be easier... Is it even possible for your paths to be that different from theirs?
Good luck!
🙂

First off, thanks for the support, ironcrane122. 🙂
As for why I can't talk to my brother? They live in a completely different world—blinded, really—just kids who couldn't care less. We all can't stand each other because that's just how we were raised. I love my siblings, but there's a certain level of rage and resentment in everyone's eyes—though, I guess I am slowly trying to change and be different. It's constant screaming, yelling, and fighting from morning until night among every single family member. There's no love there. At least, I haven't found any yet. My only real solace is locking myself in my room with headphones on, or just heading out into the city—anywhere else, really.

Lily said:And one more thing—in my group, there’s a girl whose father and brother are both alcoholics, a woman whose dad struggles with it, and another whose husband is an alcoholic.
It's all just devastating.

I realize how awful these situations are—and honestly, things won't change without professional help. I suppose I've been acting quite immaturely lately, and I really don't want to keep going down that path.

Lily, thanks so much 🙂

vividmarlin5 said:If you’re speaking from actual experience, then I honestly can’t wait to reach the stage you’re at.
I’ve finally accepted my parents for exactly who they are—they aren't going to change, period. So, the burden is on me to change instead. They will never be anyone else, and I’ve stopped expecting them to be.
For me, depression feels a lot like self-pity, but I have never used it as a way to pull focus toward myself. Believe me, I would give anything just to stop feeling this way. I don't want anyone to notice me being this broken.

The truth is, people notice you much more when you're acting like this than when you're actually smiling.
I used to go through life thinking I was invisible whenever I went quiet or pulled away from everyone.
In reality, people were just looking away because I was being—well, let's call it "difficult."
Blatantly, painfully difficult.
And most likely, they wanted to help, but they just didn't know how to approach me.
How do you even reach someone who has built such a massive Great Wall of China around themselves?
Someone who is internally screaming for just one kind, normal word of warmth.

Angela Green70 said:People notice you more when you're spiraling than when you're actually smiling.
I used to think being quiet—just retreating into myself—made me invisible.
In reality, people were probably just looking away... because I was a mess.
An aggressively unpleasant mess, I suppose.
And maybe they wanted to help, but they had no clue how to approach me.
It's hard to reach someone who’s built such a massive wall around themselves.
All while screaming internally for just one kind, human word.

You've got a point there. Looking back at middle school—which was easily my absolute worst era—nobody wanted anything to do with me. My list of friends could be counted on one hand. Actually, I really only had one true friend back then, and she's still my person today.

A wall? Please. I don't have a wall; I have the Great Wall of China surrounding me. And yeah, I am screaming for some warmth from a decent human being. There. You said it.

So, I’ve been skimming through Lucia's thread on "childhood trauma."

The level of support here—you all are truly wonderful. I honestly don't get why I didn't read this sooner. I suppose I convinced myself I had moved past everything I went through—that it didn't affect me anymore, that I was just moving forward—but somehow, I’ve taken a massive step backward. And now, it's all coming rushing back.

And as for how I spent New Year's Day? I stayed home this year, since everyone around me seemed to have coordinated some big plan, and frankly, the whole New Year's chaos just gets under my skin so much that I decided to just stay in and watch movies. What a mistake. I would have been better off going to a park and sleeping on a bench. Truly awful.
When I got home from work, my dad was already heavily intoxicated—glassy-eyed and just drinking straight from his flask. I thought to myself, oh, this is going to be "fun." I retreated to my room, and he, of course—always when he's drunk, he just screams at everyone and everything; it's the only thing he knows how to do. He targets my mom the most, really, and he twists anything he notices into something negative just to pick a fight. Then my sister started arguing with him—she's the one who threatens him and throws wine around... it's terrible. And this is supposed to be New Year's Eve! As time passed, we all just retreated to our rooms and beds while he "went wild," blasting music until the early morning hours and bothering everyone. I went to bed around 11 PM and tossed and turned until, I don't know, God knows when. I stayed in bed on purpose—I didn't want to get up for the celebration. Why? Because I don't want to look at or listen to someone like that. It was revolting. I cried all night, and that was my "celebration."
And if you think that's bad, you should see him when he's sober. He's a completely different person. Though, he never acts like my father—it's all just a formality to him—but he does try to act kind sometimes.

vividmarlin5 said:So, I’ve been scrolling through Lucian's thread about childhood trauma.

The level of support here—it’s just lovely, really. I don't quite get why I didn't read this sooner. I suppose I convinced myself I'd moved past everything—that it didn't sting quite as much anymore—and that I was finally moving forward, but somehow, I've taken a massive step backward. And now, it's all starting to resurface.

I also wanted to add that while reading Lucian's thread, I'm starting to feel a bit strange about the fact that I haven't posted this under my real username.
It seems I'm nowhere near as resilient as Lucia. Lucia, you are truly incredible—just wonderful! If only I had even a fraction of your strength...

Well, things will settle eventually, I suppose. For now, though, this is all feeling incredibly heavy, and I know I'll be so relieved once I can finally shed these prejudices, these fears, this lack of confidence, and this whole "hiding behind a pseudonym" thing.

For instance, it doesn't bother me at all that you're posting under a different handle or that I don't actually know who vividmarlin5 is. Even if what you're saying isn't strictly true, it wouldn't matter to me—as long as reading your posts and our occasional 🙂
helps someone else gain some perspective on themselves.
Once, after a manic episode, I used to go outside every once in a while just so I wouldn't be tempted to delete everything I had written... but I knew that one day, I HAD to get it all out of my system.

Living with a burden like this for years... it's incredibly difficult. It's too much. And then life just keeps piling on more weight, making every fall feel even deeper.

The least of your concerns should be people hiding their usernames.
You really need to work on your own biases against doctors first. Once you start facing those head-on, the anxiety will start to fade and your confidence will come back.
Forget about the nickname!👍