Childhood roots

vividmarlin5, if you happen to be in Washington, D.C., and feel too awkward to ask your primary care physician for a referral, you might consider reaching out to the American Psychological Association—specifically their Modus center.
Take a look at this site:

dustybison23 said:Let me know if there is any way I can help. I’m not entirely sure what the specific term is in philosophy circles—it’s hard to pin down—but getting an appointment shouldn't be too much of a hurdle. Besides, they’ll point you in the right direction once they assess the situation and suggest a course of treatment because, based on everything you’ve told me... you aren't crazy, and you don't need a psychiatrist. You just have some very solvable issues. What you really need is someone you can trust, a little self-belief, and patience—that’s basically it. Everything is fixable. And honestly, from what I hear, our mental health system here in the States is a total joke. They just bleed people dry, while the doctors working through insurance just sleep on the job and screw over their patients. It's pathetic. Truthfully, I have more faith in psychologists. I know several through my girlfriend and I can look into some options for you if you want. No big deal.
By the way... regarding the music. If I had to guess, you probably associate certain sounds with terrible memories. That professor was a complete jerk. You didn't mention if he was from that one academy downtown, but it doesn't even matter.
Please, try to enjoy the music; not every musician is a predator.
Keep me posted on how you're doing. You seem like a decent person, you know?
That's all for now!

I replied to your messages, but I'll post a bit here too. 🙂
As you said... they’ll refer me elsewhere, so I won't be seeing them directly—they’ll send me somewhere else (to a psychiatrist, though I already have a diagnosis 🙄 ), and they’ve already run me ragged to the point where I don't even know what to think anymore.
I know the healthcare system is a disaster, but I haven't been able to fix this on my own so far, and I know it won't be that easy.
And yes, that one instrument—not music in general—carries those awful memories, which explains why I have zero desire to play it. My motivation dies instantly; it might flicker for five minutes, and then... boom. Back to feeling completely down.
I know not all musicians are predators, so what was that? I (and the rest of the kids from that school) were harassed, but I didn't lose my sense of purpose or my love for the craft. Musicians are still a significant part of my life—I mean actual artists, not someone like Shuputic or whatever 🙄 ).
How am I doing? Just living in the hope that something will finally change. 🙂

Alex Foster6 said:vividmarlin5, if you're in Washington, D.C., and you feel too awkward asking your doctor for a referral, maybe try reaching out to the American Psychological Association—specifically their Modus center.
Check this site:

Well, I already went to the doctor—had the exam and got my diagnosis (which I’m not sharing here, since this is my alter ego, after all 🙄)—but getting into therapy just isn't working with my schedule right now.
I saw that Modus website, but it feels more like a counseling center... and I don't really have anyone to tell me if it's actually legit, or if it's just some place for kids with minor issues. Sure, I'm young, but my problems go way beyond what a typical young person should be dealing with.
Honestly, these things have completely destroyed me. I just can't seem to shake them... I even end up making things worse by diving headfirst into the mess myself. 🙄
Has anyone actually been to Modus? Has anyone gone there? Does anyone have any actual info or advice about that center?
Please... 😢

I couldn't make it to therapy because the schedule just doesn't work for me at all.

You have to find the time. Seriously. Find another therapist through the American Psychological Association who actually works around your schedule. But you need to go.

placidfox52 said:You have to make the time. Seriously. Find another therapist—someone who actually works around your schedule. But you have to go.

I know, I know... though at this point, it’s almost comical how there’s always some obstacle in my way.
If it isn't a scheduling conflict, it's money—and if it isn't money, it's work—and if it isn't work, someone pops up with new information and everything just resets. 🙄

Now, dustybison23 reached out—hopefully he can track down some info regarding the philosophy program—and then Alex Foster6 showed up with this whole Modus thing.
Honestly, I don't even know where to start anymore. 😢

Why are you so hesitant to just name the diagnosis? There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of... Honestly, I was once labeled with "neurosis" myself during a visit to a psychiatrist.

I haven't personally been to Modus, but someone mentioned them here on the health board, so it stuck in my mind while I was considering seeing a psychologist myself... 🙂 BTW, that person mentioned they thought the services were free.

I am not sure how old you are, but near Times Square, there is that psychiatric hospital for children and adolescents (I can't recall the exact name) — I went there when I was about 16, and later again at 20, and it was perfectly fine. 🙂 Back then, you could even get in without a referral if someone was having trouble getting one, and they were quite decent... Don't let the fear of seeing a psychiatrist hold you back; the idea that psychiatrists are only for people who are "crazy"... 😁 That is nonsense. Psychologists and psychiatrists have slightly different approaches, but it doesn't really matter where you go (unless you are dealing with a more severe disorder that requires medication to regulate a chemical imbalance or some other issue), the important thing is simply to go somewhere and begin that process of "restoring" your emotions and thoughts...

Alex Foster6, I realize a diagnosis isn't some kind of badge of shame—it really isn't—but I’m posting here under an alias... so I'd rather stay anonymous.
Anyway, the Modus website claims their services are free, so I suppose I'll see if that holds true.
I also need to look into that local psychiatric hospital for kids and teens... though, I assume they only offer therapy during standard business hours, and unfortunately, that's exactly when I'm working.
I'm not exactly terrified of seeing a psychiatrist or a psychologist—not at all—though I was pretty shaken up during my first psych visit when I didn't just walk away with a diagnosis, but with a prescription too. Right then and there.
I tried them for a bit, but after a while, I realized the effect was basically zero 🙄 Either the chemistry isn't what I need, or maybe it's just the wrong kind of chemistry.
But I know I need exactly what you described—starting the process of restoring my emotions and my thoughts...
Thanks 🙂

Dear vividmarlin5,

I would Podrzati your decision to pursue psychotherapy. I began my own journey a few months ago... at times it feels as if nothing has changed, and other times it seems things have only grown more difficult. We find ourselves reopening old boxes from the past that were long ago closed and locked away, only to have those old ghosts emerge once again. Still, I try not to let this discourage me. I view it as part of my process... a path toward a point where those boxes are no longer necessary and I am no longer afraid of the shadows.

Stay brave.

At first, it’s probably going to feel like things are actually getting worse.

But they aren't. It's just the process of scrubbing those old, grime-covered windows in our souls—it takes time. And yeah, it hurts while you're doing the cleaning.

After all, that junk has been piling up for years; you can't exactly expect to just wipe it away in one afternoon.

It doesn't work like that. There's always a bit of pushback.

You just have to hang in there and stay persistent. 🙂

stormynomad6 said:Hey vividmarlin5,

I’d really Podrzati your decision to start psychotherapy... I actually started my own journey a few months back, and honestly, some days it feels like nothing is changing at all, and other days it feels like everything is just getting much harder. It's like we're digging up old boxes from our past that we thought we had locked away for good, only to have all those old ghosts come crawling out again... but I try not to let it get me down, because I look at it as part of the process toward a place where I won't need those boxes anymore and won't be afraid of those ghosts...

Stay strong.

Don't give up, just keep pushing forward...

There were definitely days when I walked out of a session feeling like things were just worse than before—but in the end, it really does lead to something better...

Sending you guys all my love...👍

Thanks, stormynomad6, placidjackal97, and electricdriver78.
... if goodwill even exists anymore. 🙂

Hang in there, old friend. Thinking of you.

My childhood—being the eldest, I’ve always been the one to endure, and honestly, I still am. My parents were constantly at each other's throats, and frankly, they haven't changed much since then. It was almost always about money, which was perpetually scarce, though if there wasn't an obvious reason to fight, they’d simply manufacture one. It didn't matter. My father is an alcoholic. Both of his brothers are alcoholics, too. His mother and my late grandfather were the same. We never really maintained any contact with that side of the family, and truthfully, it’s for the best. This home is enough for me. But even so, he isn't truly a father to me; he is merely a biological marker of one.

Dear vividmarlin5, my own story bears a striking resemblance to yours, albeit with a few minor variations, though the core remains identical. I eventually found my answers through faith; it was there that I finally managed to heal my wounds. To be perfectly honest, I never believed a psychologist could actually help me, mostly because I always felt that my struggles were mine alone to carry. Back in 1991, I attended a seminar led by Dr. Tomislav Ivancic, which completely transformed my relationship with my father. It might sound a bit strange, but that experience was exactly what I needed to finally forgive him for everything. Once I did that, I felt prepared to actually build a life for myself. Even now, when he makes mistakes, I don't feel that anger toward him. Over time, I realized that he was also a victim of his circumstances. I truly hold no more resentment against him. I believe the turning point in my life was that 1991 seminar.

I’ve made a fair share of other mistakes in my life as well, but I’ve learned how to manage them. 🙂
I would highly recommend finding a book by Dr. Tomislav Ivancic titled "healing prayer"; you will find everything you need within those pages.
It is quite interesting that the book includes a specific prayer intended to release the negative influence of one's ancestors; regardless, it is worth looking into.

If you are interested, I believe I have an email address somewhere where you can reach out to Dr. Tomislav Ivancic regarding your specific situation.

I truly wish for you to be able to put a definitive period to all the hardship and finally discover yourself in your full capacity; you will likely be surprised by just how much strength and positivity resides within you.

Best, Barbara

p.s. I would appreciate it if you responded to this post.

Thanks for the effort, Barbara, but I actually started a thread in the Health section—mostly because I couldn't find what I was looking for under Faith.
I am a believer, and my faith plays a role in my daily life, I suppose—but I’m not really seeking that specific kind of help anymore.
Still, thanks. 🙂