Eating Disorder Support & Recovery

How many of you were watching that exposé yesterday about the girl struggling with anorexia?
Did any of you think, "What an idiot, she needs a reality check to snap her out of this nonsense..."?
I bet a lot of you did. At least that’s what the girls from my college were saying...
Not one single person said, "She's sick"... except for me..
And yeah, I'm sick too....
Just by admitting it... I've finally broken out of my own little cycle...
Anyone who’s read the book "Miss the Mark" knows exactly what I mean...
“...most of all, I want to help myself. Just myself. The words inside me have been screaming for too long, begging me to let them out, to show them to the world. I was ashamed of myself. I hated myself, but now I don't even have the strength or the will left, and I just want to find myself again. I am writing this for me and for all of you.”
That’s right near the beginning of that book...
So, what should I write here???
It all started when I was 22... after all those diets. They failed because I wasn't persistent enough, wasn't strong enough to stick with it... and then it just took off...
On November 30th, I weighed 175 lbs. By December 6th, I was down to 130 lbs. I think you get the idea...
I broke up with my boyfriend, failed an exam, ended up totally alone, and just locked myself in my room... When I finally stepped out into the city a month later, people didn't even recognize me...
My excuse was simple... I told them I broke up with my guy, and that was it...
Everyone "bought it." But does it even matter if they believed me? My weight—those 45 pounds—doesn't mean anything to them. My period stopped, my head constantly aches, I'm on edge, and...
My entire life changed at the foundation. Suddenly, from being invisible, I became visible to everyone...
The part that hurt most was... "Where have you been hiding all these years?"...
I stayed the same person, but my body changed... and everything else started shifting too... my behavior... everything...
Now, a year and four months later, I'm still a slave to my body... the bathroom... eating... binging and lying...
I don't want to live like this anymore...
Most of you won't understand me, and you won't have a clue what I'm talking about. Only the ones actually "living" through bulimia, the ones purging five, six, seven times a day... they know how I feel... and what I need...
Just like how I couldn't stick to a single diet because I wasn't strong enough... I can't stop this now either...
If you have some time, go read the book.....

I don't know about everyone else, but I’m definitely not here to laugh at you or judge you. Look, having a good physique is great for your confidence, sure, but there are much healthier ways to get there. The main thing you have to realize is that you didn't just gain all this weight in a month, so you aren't going to drop it all in a month through some crash diet either. Honestly? You should probably talk to a therapist or a nutritionist. And please, reach out to someone close to you—like your parents or whoever—because you really need some actual support right now.

Anthony Wood54 said:Did any of you catch that segment on Explosive last night about that girl struggling with anorexia?
On November 30th, I was 175 pounds. By December 6th, I was down to 130. I think the math speaks for itself…
I haven’t changed, but my body has... everything started shifting... my whole personality changed... everything.
Now, a year and four months later, I’m still a total slave to my own physical shell... the bathroom... the food... the bingeing and the lies…
I can't live like this anymore…
Most of you won't get it, and honestly, you probably won't have a clue what I'm talking about. Only those who are actually "living" life with bulimia—people who are purging five, six, seven times a day—actually know how it feels... and what I really need…
It's like how I could never stick to a single diet because I wasn't strong enough... now, I just can't seem to stop this cycle either..
If you have some free time, go read the book...

Oh, come on, don't lie! 🙄 👎

Anthony Wood54 said:On Nov 30th I was 175 lbs... then by Dec 6th I was 130 lbs. I think you guys get the picture...

Look, I don't know about the rest of this whole thread, but this specific part? Yeah, that is straight-up fiction.

There is no way on earth someone drops 45 pounds in seven days—not even if you just popped out triplets...

Maybe, if you let her cut off your arms and legs 😁

Anthony Wood54 said:Most of you won't get it—not really—and you certainly won't have any clue what I’m talking about... only those who actually "live" life through bulimia, people who are purging five, six, seven times a day... they know where I'm coming from... and what I need...
The way I couldn't stick to a single diet because I wasn't strong enough... it's the same now, I just can't stop...
If you actually have the time, read this book...

It is painfully obvious that you aren't in your right mind. Your self-esteem and self-awareness are essentially non-existent... bottom of the barrel, really.

That specific part of your post I quoted—it's pure delusion. You aren't going to convince anyone here that "binging and purging is what you need"—that's just a lie you're telling yourself over and over again...😉

You claim you couldn't handle a diet because you weren't "strong enough," yet suddenly you're strong now?
In reality, you're much weaker mentally than you used to be—though you can't see that, because you've convinced yourself you're still in control of your own body.

Go see a psychologist. Good luck.👋

I really have to apologize for my mistake here...
From October 30th to December 6th.
Just over a month. Honestly, if you don't believe me and you aren't exactly a genius—the way I'm certainly not—you might actually think I could lose weight this way..
But when you don't eat for days, everything you do manage to swallow just comes right back up. My hips basically vanished. I ended up looking like a shriveled-up old dog. You lose weight, sure, but your hair starts falling out, your nails break, and you can't even think straight because the headaches are constant. You just don't care about food anymore.
And the best part? It took me this long just to find the courage to reach out. I chose this group because I wanted to stay anonymous, and I knew you all would respect that. I felt the urge to vent the second I read that other thread, but I'm finally speaking up now...
Anyway, thank you all, and may God bless you...
Never again.

you should definitely go get some professional help

honestly, I doubt you're gonna get anything useful out of just posting on some random internet forum...

So, what's your weight looking like these days?

Anthony Wood54 said:How many of you were watching that exposé last night about the girl struggling with anorexia?
How many of you just sat there thinking, "What an idiot, someone needs to give her a reality check so she'd stop talking this nonsense..."
I bet a lot of you did—at least that’s what the girls in my college dorm were whispering...
Not one single one of them said, "Hey, she's actually sick"... except for me..
And yeah, maybe I'm sick too....
Just by admitting it... I feel like I've finally stepped out of my own little bubble...
Anyone who’s read "The Glass Castle" knows exactly what I mean...
« ... most of all, I just want to help myself. Just me. There are voices inside me that have been screaming for so long, begging me to let them out, to show them to the world. I was ashamed of myself. I hated myself, but now I don't even have the strength or the will left, and I just want to find myself again. I'm writing this for me, and for all of you.»
That’s right near the beginning of that book...
So, what am I supposed to write here???
It all started when I was 22... after all those diets—which failed, obviously, because I wasn't disciplined enough, wasn't strong enough to hang in there... and then everything just spiraled...
On November 30th, I weighed 175 lbs. By December 6th, I was down to 130 lbs. I think you get the picture...
I broke up with my boyfriend, bombed an exam, ended up totally alone, and just locked myself in my room... when I finally ventured back out into the city a month later, people didn't even recognize me...
My excuse was... "Oh, it's just stress... I broke up with my guy, that's all..."
Everyone "bought" it... but does it even matter if they believed me? My weight... those 45 pounds... doesn't mean anything to them... but my period is gone, my head constantly aches, I'm a nervous wreck and....
My whole life just flipped on its axis. Suddenly, from being invisible, I became hyper-visible to everyone...
The part that hurt the most was: "Where have you been hiding all these years?"..
But I stayed the same person; it was just my body that changed... and then everything else started shifting too... my behavior... everything...
Now, a year and four months later, I'm still a slave to my own body... the bathroom... the eating... the binging and the lies...
I can't do this anymore...
Most of you won't understand, and honestly, you probably won't have a clue what I'm talking about... only those of you actually "living" the life of bulimia—the ones purging five, six, seven times a day... you know how it feels... and you know what I need...
Just like how I couldn't stick to a single diet because I wasn't "tough" enough... I can't seem to stop this either...
If you have the time, go read that book.....

I believe every word you're saying, and I don't agree with any of the people attacking you. Not from personal experience (not that I'd claim to be lucky), but from a professional standpoint. You're dealing with a heavy illness; most likely, you definitely have a dominant, intense personality (if not something more than that). Since nobody here actually knows you, could you describe a bit how things are with alcohol or drugs? Self-harm? Partners? School (did you finish)? Are you working?

Why on earth did they pull the mega-thread about bulimia and anorexia?????

mistyhound2 said:Look, I totally buy everything you're saying here... I'm definitely not siding with the people coming at you.

Yeah, well, I guess I believe her now too—now that she finally fixed that ridiculous claim about losing 20 pounds in a single week.

Don't tell me you didn't catch how insane that sounds... seriously.

Anyway, I still feel like this isn't really the right place to be hashing out stuff about eating disorders. There just aren't enough people here who actually get it—especially from a clinical standpoint—and most folks just think it’s some weird fad or a phase... which is honestly just terrible for anyone actually struggling.

It's super counterproductive for someone who's sick.

I mean, back when there was that huge main thread about EDs, people were even dropping links to those pro-ana sites and stuff... 😱

rustymoose54 said:Honestly, I don't think this is the right venue to be diving deep into Eating Disorders. There just aren't enough people here with actual experience—especially professional insight—and most folks seem to think it's just some passing fad or a weird hobby.

Back when we had that massive top-tier thread dedicated to ED, you could even find links out to those pro-ana sites. 😱

Look, when she’s finally ready, she’ll know what steps to take. Reading a book isn't going to magically fix things right now!
I get it, she’s probably embarrassed, lurking here and reading all this while feeling terrified—but she has to face the reality of where things stand today, go out and find professional help, and just start over from scratch. She’s going to make it through this!

Alcohol? So, here’s my latest experience...
I was feeling pretty down on August 3rd—not even that I needed a specific reason, you know how it is—and I was super anxious because I had an exam the next day. My friend and I decided to hit up a video rental store to grab a movie I absolutely had to watch for my test. While we were chatting, the topic of beer came up, so we ducked into this little local dive bar nearby. We told ourselves, "Just one beer and then we're heading home." But since we were the only women there and surrounded by all these local regulars who seemed to appear out of nowhere, the beers just kept coming. I ended up knocking back two and a half beers before finally calling it quits. I made it back home around 10:00 PM with my friend. Some old guys were watching TV in the living room, and the bathroom is right off that same room.
I flopped into bed and suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I ended up throwing up the second I leaned against the window because I’d squeezed my stomach way too hard. Once that happened, I felt better immediately. Then I crashed out and totally slept through my exam this morning. Honestly, the worst part isn't even the nausea—it's the fact that I fell asleep and missed it. Now I have to deal with makeup exams... the last time I sat for a final was back in September last year. I'm already four years into college.
And when we’re talking about college...
Two months ago, I was heading over to hand my professor his signed paperwork. He flips open the first page, glances at my photo, looks up, and just asks, "Why don't you ladies lose some weight? You look so much better when you're thin." I actually asked him if he was trying to provoke me. He just kept going... and honestly, what was I even supposed to do? There were at least 80 people standing right behind me in line. Everyone heard it. Everyone was absolutely horrified.
It’s true, looking at this photo, you can definitely see my collarbones sticking out and my face looks a bit sunken. But hey, I’m smiling! Besides, I’m actually five pounds heavier now than I was in this picture.
So what?
I hate myself because I’m not the master of anything—not my body, and certainly not my mind.
At first, I had this whole plan in my head. I thought, okay, I’ll just drop 10 or 15 pounds and then I'll finally be done. But once I actually hit that weight, my body just shut down. I couldn't eat if I tried. Now, whenever I try to eat, I just feel nauseous and my stomach starts hurting. Even something simple like drinking half a liter of water makes me look six months pregnant. My stomach just bloats up instantly.
I’m feeling super on edge lately. I just want to pick fights with everyone. My head is constantly spinning with paranoid thoughts, and my focus? It's basically non-existent. It used to be that I could read a paragraph twice and have it memorized, but now it takes me days just to wrap my head around a tiny snippet. Honestly, I don't even bother studying anymore because the exams are just piling up. Believe me, you feel like absolute garbage watching everyone else in your year breeze through their finals while you're just stuck standing still. It’s not that I don't want to study—I physically can't. And the health stuff is just as bad. It feels like if someone even sneezes in my direction, I'll end up with a fever. I catch every single bug going around, and nothing seems to clear up because my immune system is just completely shot.
I’m just not functioning... at all. On Saturdays, I head out, grab some smokes with my girlfriends, and that’s pretty much it. We drink, and I just stop thinking.
The absolute worst thing you can do is overthink everything.
I just really wanted to be that old version of myself again. You know, the one who actually liked herself and genuinely cared about everyone else. The girl who was crushing it in college and always had a smile on her face. I just want to get back to who I used to be.
Every single day feels like a lie...
Love...
Isn't the whole point of love just about trust and being real with each other?
What about me?
I’m sitting here wondering how I can give my heart to someone when I can’t even stand myself. How am I supposed to be loved if I don't love who I am? He says he loves me, but honestly, he just loves what he wants to love. Not the real me. Because the truth is, I'm a lie. I'm constantly lying to him.
I’m living a double life. One side is the real me, and the other is just this daily routine I have to go through. Honestly, there's hardly any of the "real" part left in my life at all.
Here’s how my day goes...
My morning routine is pretty much a cycle. I wake up and head straight to campus. First stop is always the dining hall to grab some food, but then I immediately go throw it all up. After that, I hit the cafeteria again to grab a Mio just to get something in my stomach. I show up to lectures, but I don't actually take any notes. I just sit in the back row and mess around with papers. Usually, I can only stomach being on campus for maybe two or three hours before I need to bail and head home. If I'm stuck there longer than that, I’m so exhausted by the time I get back that I just sleep the entire day away. If I manage to leave early, I get home, eat, purge, and then try to study. I'll sit there with my books and "study," though occasionally something actually sticks. Once evening rolls around, my boyfriend comes over, and we just lie down and talk.
And sex???
Sex is my absolute worst nightmare. Honestly, I just don't have any interest in it... at all.
And that’s when things start falling apart. I end up lying about having a headache, or a stomachache, or my legs and arms hurting... anything just to avoid telling the truth. Every once in a while, I'll play along just enough so it doesn't look like I'm ignoring him completely.
When we’re watching a movie and eating popcorn, as soon as I'm done, I head straight to the bathroom to throw up (just so nothing accidentally sticks to me)...
I absolutely loathe birthdays and any kind of party... there's just too much food everywhere. It’s always one of two extremes: I either eat everything in sight or I don't touch a thing. There is zero middle ground with me...
If I overeat, I HAVE to go purge. I feel like I'll lose my mind if it stays inside me—partly from the physical pain, and partly from the sheer terror of gaining weight...
It's the same when we go out for dinner... I eat, then I purge...
Every single time I eat something, I end up throwing it back up. I don't really care about the money I'm wasting on food, which sucks because food is where I spend most of my cash anyway...
I hate going to big grocery stores like Walmart or Target because everything is right there in front of me, and I end up buying it all (thankfully I haven't started shoplifting yet, and I hope I never do). Then I get home and eat... everything...
I don't have any true friends. If I did, I wouldn't be sitting here typing all this to you guys; I'd be venting to her and then heading to a doctor...
I went to see a doctor recently because I was just completely hitting a wall. They ran all the tests, and the only thing they found was some amorphous urates in my urine. The doctor claimed it's just because I don't drink enough fluids (ignoring the fact that the only liquid staying in me is the massive amount of water I chug to dull the hunger)... I asked her for a referral to a psychiatrist because I clearly need one, but she just told me I'm probably just stressed out because of exams and that everything would be fine. Well, it won't be fine, because it can't be!!!!
And finally, a quote...
"We are victims of our own brains. I can't separate my brain from who I am. Our brain is part of us, and that negative part of the brain is also part of us. It's all me. And if I start thinking that none of this is my fault, I'll spend the rest of my life just retching..."
I always used to believe my illness would just vanish like it was never there, but it hasn't. It's still here. And I never even viewed it as an illness. I just knew something was wrong and kept moving through life thinking that maybe things would be different someday. But I don't know when that "someday" is supposed to happen. That's how paranoid I am. Panic suffocates me. It suffocates me knowing that everything could be absolutely fantastic, but I've given myself permission to deny myself that happiness. God forbid I try not to purge. Or look at things from a different angle. I just can't. My problem is that this state of being has become a massive habit. A huge habit that I'm not ready to tackle yet. Not yet.
...
I don't even think of what I'm doing as something "ugly." This is just how it is, damn it.
How do I tell anyone???
My parents...
They see how much I eat and how I'm getting thinner every single day... and then what???
Who's a better actor than us??
The people who don't see what's happening to me because they're too caught up in their own drama? Or me, pretending like nothing is wrong???
A boyfriend? A "friend"?
How do I say to everyone: "I've been lying to you for a year and four months... I eat, and then I purge"...
And how do I live with that...
Living with those looks they give me when I go to the bathroom, or when they see how much I eat, what I eat, and why I eat???
They wouldn't even realize I'm sick. They wouldn't understand that I don't *want* to be like this, that I'm a slave to my own brain... it's like a drug. When an addict starts craving, they'll do anything to get it... that's me. And getting off it is going to take so much time, love, and help to actually succeed...
It's the same for me, because if I could fix this on my own, I would have done it a long time ago...
Don't think I'm writing this to get attention or to make you pity me. I don't want that. I don't even believe anyone can truly help me because....
I simply need someone I can tell all of this to... someone who won't call me... stupid, stupid, stupid!!!!
And if anyone else is dealing with the same thing, please reach out...

Look... you finally opened up. You actually said what’s weighing on you and...... now what? Are you going to sit there and try to eat everything in the pantry while your family is out, or are you heading straight to the kitchen right this second?!
Nobody here can give you CONCRETE help—all we can do is tell you to go see a professional and finally admit to yourself and your family "who you've been" over these last few months.....
And yeah, you might face judgment, and for some people, that stigma sticks for life no matter how close you are to them. But honestly? You only owe it to yourself to get back a life that isn't ruled by obsessions—to stop feeling like everyone needs to distance themselves from you just because you're surrendering to something that is destroying you and could ultimately kill you.

Just make a choice. Start by seeing a primary care doctor..... or better yet—just talk to your guy. He’ll either step up and support you, or he’ll push you away. Even if he pushes you away, let that be the catalyst you need to break out of the daily cycle you've built for yourself—the one where you keep doing exactly what makes you endlessly miserable.....

Anthony Wood54 said:I simply need someone I can actually talk to... someone who isn't going to lash out and call me an idiot... or worse...!!!

Attempt No. 2... 😁

Go see a therapist...

👋

So, about today...
Woke up at 7, finally got out of bed at 10. Honestly, I'm avoiding the kitchen like the plague right now...
I'm home alone. It's 2:20 PM and I just can't deal with the idea of eating and then throwing up...
That's why I haven't eaten yet today. I did eat yesterday at college, but I threw up immediately after. That was earlier in the morning...
My boyfriend???
He said he’d bring me some dried cheese (it’s literally the only thing I can keep down). Sounds silly, but I actually feel bad about throwing up dried cheese...
I have no clue why, but I can manage that.
I think I'll tell him we should probably move in together by the end of the month...
I'm going to have to...

So, how much longer do you think she’s going to stay sick?

Look, I don't know which primary care doctor you're seeing, but if you actually trust the person, just tell them straight up that you're struggling with food—even if you're not quite sure how to bring it up... it's easier than you think.

I've no clue where all the specialists for Eating Disorders are located around Washington, D.C., but honestly, your GP should be able to point you in the right direction with a referral.

One thing that’s been bugging me since the jump, though... is this idea you have about people who "successfully stick to a diet" being "strong people."

That is total bullshit. Just... complete nonsense.

Dieting—you know, those weird, temporary stints of eating specific things—is a fundamentally flawed way to look at nutrition and weight management. It just doesn't work long-term.

Your issues seem to be rooted in psychological stuff first and foremost (and trust me, you aren't the only one dealing with this), but if this were strictly about improper nutrition leading to being underweight or overweight, I could tell you exactly where to go with a referral.

As for that professor who called you out in public? You should definitely take it up with his boss... maybe even the Dean.

He is absolutely NOT allowed to say things like that, and he's an even bigger idiot if he actually said it in front of other students.

All I can say is my friend made it out. She looked like death warmed over and wouldn't listen to anyone—not even her closest friends—she just shut down completely. And she’s actually a really smart, capable person. When I asked why she even started... she just wanted to lose a little weight and feel like she had some control over her life, but then the illness ended up controlling her. She would eat just to try and fill a void, which she says was immediately followed by guilt, and then she'd purge so it wouldn't stick.
She pulled through and she's doing great now. She has her rough patches every once in a while, but it's nothing compared to what it used to be, though she's still dealing with the kidney damage from it today. So, honestly, go see a doctor because nobody else can help you... but I guess you have to actually want to.
Personally, I think you talking about this is a win, even if it's just anonymously here. It took her forever to get out and it was a struggle, but she did it.
So👍 just learn to love yourself.