Hey everyone 🙂
I know, I know, I probably should be dumping all this on a therapist instead of here, and maybe it’s way too much for this space, so if this doesn't fit the vibe of the forum, just delete it, whatever...
So, here’s how it started. After cycling through every stupid fad diet under the sun, I finally grew a brain about a year ago and actually started training and paying attention to what I was putting in my body. I got serious about it—like, really deep-diving into nutrition and healthy living. I learned a ton thanks to one of our regulars here, and honestly, I’ll always be grateful to him for that. Within a couple of months, I hit the weight I’d been chasing for four months prior. It wasn't some massive drop, so don't go thinking I was doing crazy restrictive diets or starving myself while running marathons. No, just macros, calories, a solid deficit, good workouts, that kind of thing.
Then summer rolled around. I was mostly happy with where I was at and seeing progress, so I guess my discipline started to slip. There weren't any gyms at the beach house, though I managed to squeeze in some workouts here and there. But roughly every seven days, I’d just snap. I’d cave and eat absolutely everything in the house. It wasn't even that classic "oh, I ate pizza, I'm such a pig" guilt; it was binging until I felt physically sick, ashamed, nauseous, in pain... just stuffing myself until I couldn't move, and then eating again right after. During the summer, I kept telling myself: *It's summer, you've worked so hard, just eat whatever you want today, we'll start again tomorrow and get back on it by winter.* So I'd stay disciplined for a few days, then crack every week, or every five days, or every seven. Then I’d go on these "detoxes" where I wouldn't eat anything but maybe some veggies for three days (even though I planned for five). Of course, it would just end in another binge. It was this endless loop for about two months. I ended up gaining 6 lbs—practically more than what I had actually lost during that initial smart phase. I was swinging between extremes: six days of tracking every single gram on MyFitnessPal, feeling great and "on track," followed by a seventh day of binging so hard it made me want to throw up.
I managed to pull myself together about ten months ago. I basically told myself, "This is the last time. No more binging, no more detoxing, no more starving," because obviously, those things just trigger the next binge. I went back to the routine I had in the spring—carb cycling, calorie management, CrossFit, lifting at the gym, the usual stuff.
Things were going great for about three weeks. Totally fine. Until I went to a friend's house for lunch. Usually, when I visit them, I play it safe: meat and veggies, avoiding the heavy Sunday classics like rolls, potatoes, or creamy sauces. But this time, they only had tortillas. Just white flour tortillas loaded with toppings and all sorts of things... It started with those, then moved to chicken strips, then ice cream, chocolate, a slice of pizza, apple strudel, donuts, chips... you name it.
The next day and the week after that, I was "back on track." Guilt was gnawing at me, but I told myself, "It's fine, it's just a cheat day." I didn't want to dwell on it so I wouldn't repeat the summer pattern. I tried to ignore it—just a release valve after three weeks of being good, right? Just three more weeks of discipline...
Saturday night came around. High carb day. I'd done everything right, felt amazing. We went over to some friends' place and they were making brownies. I thought, *Let's just have one, like a normal person would,* no drama, testing my willpower. Since it was a high carb day, I figured I could treat it as a cheat meal or a cheat day—that's what everyone in the fitness community does, right? Maybe it would prevent a massive binge later. That night ended with me eating half the tray while my three friends split the other half.
Okay, the following week goes smoothly. Everything is normal. I'm not hungry, I'm training—actually, I've become a total gym addict. I'm reading labels, planning meals, feeling happy and satisfied. I even decided to implement a weekly cheat meal on Saturdays during my high carb days. As Saturday approached, I calculated exactly how big a sandwich I could eat so it wouldn't technically push me into a surplus. I looked up all the calories for the bread and ham from the local deli. In the morning, I had an apple and some protein, hit the gym in the afternoon, and then headed out to grab that sandwich. On the walk home, I realized I was practically power-walking, just hyper-focused on that sandwich. I made it, and I polished the whole thing off. Then, I head over to my friend's place and there's a million sweets. I see this amazing new homemade treat—white chocolate with cinnamon, you know the kind? Well, since it's a high carb/cheat day, I can't pass it up. I try one... then forty. Then I try the apple strudel my friend's mom made, then some chocolate candies from Trader Joe's, cookies, some leftover bread... and since she's hungry and wants to order a burger, why shouldn't I? I've already messed up completely, right? So, grab me one too... The burger arrives, I eat it, and suddenly my stomach is in absolute agony. I can't even sit up straight. And oh yeah, fries came with it—can't let those go to waste, I won't be able to eat much more anyway. As I'm eating, I'm sitting there thinking about how I'm probably broken and have an eating disorder. Is this what Americans call a binge?
Just pedaling my bike home right now, trying to wrap my head around my next move... I’m thinking about just skipping my scheduled Saturday cheat meal and ignoring today's slip-up entirely. Honestly, the "binge" was really just one single cookie. It’s easy enough to dodge next time since I finally see where the trap was.
Should I just scrap the idea of a "cheat meal" that isn't actually a cheat meal? Like, just track everything religiously so I feel better knowing I haven't hit a surplus? Most people actually trying to lose weight don't really do these massive cheat days that blow their calorie budget, because there's just zero room for error. You can't exactly make up for what you lost during the week if you overdo it, so why bother?
Or do I allow myself a cheat meal where I eat whatever I want without counting calories—assuming I don't end up physically sick from it? Which, honestly, is a first for me... I'm genuinely questioning if I can even handle that without spiraling.
Or maybe I just try to stay strictly on track and save the cheat meal or cheat day for once every three or four weeks?
I really thought I had figured out my trigger. I assumed it was just those super restrictive diets where I go three weeks without touching something I’m craving, but clearly, that's not it. There’s something else going on here, isn't there?
I’ve never really complained about this before, mostly because I always felt like there was no excuse for it. Just a bunch of nonsense... telling myself I'm weak, needing more self-control, discipline, just keeping my mouth shut, etc. I knew it was possible, too. I’ve gone a month or two at a time without sweets or chocolate—basically without my absolute favorite guilty pleasures. But back then, when I was successfully resisting, I wasn't really thinking about the aftermath... the inevitable bingeing after a month or so.
Look, I actually enjoy taking care of myself. I love healthy food. I actually like weighing my portions, planning ahead, and knowing exactly what I’m eating and how many calories I’m burning. I truly enjoy that part; it doesn't feel like work. I just... I don't know what to do.
I keep trying to tell myself that this is a lifestyle choice, not just some temporary way to drop pounds, but that craving always seems to win in the end.
I think I might just need some help. That’s all. If anyone actually cares to read this huge vent, then fine, but there it is.
Best, everyone!
