Why my relationships always fail

You tend to overthink and overanalyze everything; I've noticed it in your posts before. Not everything is some complex, multi-layered puzzle—some things are just basic. I guess too much analysis leads to insecurity, and that’s usually what pushes people away in those fleeting, casual relationships.

That’s how I get hooked initially. It starts with some guy, and suddenly I’m scrolling through his old photos. Like, if I see a shot of him as a kid visiting Egypt, I’ll end up falling down an internet rabbit hole researching those exact spots. Or I’ll see photos from his parents' wedding and wonder which restaurant they used. Then I find out that specific place doesn't even exist anymore because it was torn down ten years ago so some mobster could build himself a private villa, bulldozing a local staple in the process. And just like that, I’m spiraling. I start ranting about the corruption in this country, the organized crime, and how messed up society has become. I fall into these traps all the time. I’ll be thinking, "Man, Peter is such a great guy," and then immediately get pissed because I didn't meet him five years ago when I used to love this amazing little bistro downtown—except they shut it down because the owner was a political dissident. Then my brain goes on a tear about the state of the nation. Or I start stressing over how I’m ever going to afford a house, especially with the inflation and the financial mess we've been dealing with since the pandemic hit. I get way too deep into that anxiety. Then, say my boyfriend trips and breaks his leg, and I find out my cousin—who was a top-tier orthopedic surgeon—moved to Germany. He tells me all the best doctors have left the country, and suddenly I’m terrified. Like, if something happens to me, who the hell can I actually trust to operate on me? Or I go to the dentist and they do a hack job, so I go to a second one, and that dentist is just like, "Who even did this? They had no clue what they were doing." It honestly scares me. I feel like our healthcare system is just a gamble because every doctor has a different story and you have no idea who to believe. It’s overwhelming. I’ve completely stopped watching TV and reading the news because it’s just too much. Too much negativity, murders, rapes, some singer cheating on her boyfriend... you won't believe the nonsense Madonna said recently. It’s enough to give anyone a headache. And honestly, if I’m being blunt, sometimes I feel smarter than most of the people on the front page of the news talking about where they bought their shoes or what they’re cooking for their husbands. It feels like pure stupidity is being used to poison the public. So, Peter will suggest we go to a club where Taylor Swift is performing, and I’ll just lose it. Like, am I really supposed to sit there for three hours listening to Swift just to please him? What does she even have to say that’s worth hearing? Or I’ll catch some talk show with actors, singers, and socialites, and the sheer amount of vapid nonsense coming off the screen makes my head spin. I spend the next few days fuming about what kind of trash our TV networks are pumping out, thinking that if I stay with him, I’ll be stuck watching Kelly Clarkson’s talk shows forever. Then comes the guilt trip. I’ll think about how the guest on the screen is actually more interesting than my own boyfriend sitting right next to me, and I’ll feel like I’m in the wrong relationship. I’ll feel terrible for him. I'll think, "Unlucky Peter brought me into his life and he's trying so hard, yet I'm more interested in some celebrity on TV." It makes me wonder if I'd be happier with someone else.

To be honest, reading your posts is a struggle for me. You jump from one example to another so quickly that I can practically feel the chaos in your head. It seems easier for you when you share things with others, so I’ll just suggest that you try venting these fears to a professional instead. I’m not saying you need a psychiatrist, but a good therapist would probably be very beneficial. You need someone who will actually listen without jumping in with advice or judgment—someone who helps you realize that these are issues you have to resolve on your own. Based on everything I’ve read here and in previous threads, I think you just need some mental peace. You seem restless, and that restlessness is clearly bleeding into your relationships. I don't think you're crazy or even inherently problematic; it just feels like you aren't happy and tend to hunt for the negative in everything. You need a change in perspective, and frankly, that isn't going to happen on an internet forum. People tend to steer clear of negativity, drama, and anything that drains their energy...

You know when Carrie Bradshaw spends hours researching the war in Chechnya just to sound edgy on a date, only for the guy to respond with "who gives a fuck" the moment she brings it up? I suspect you occasionally have those same realizations about your own thoughts. As for how to dwell on them more—I haven't the slightest idea.

You hit the nail on the head. I’ll be the first to admit I can be pretty negative. It’s like my brain just naturally gravitates toward pessimism or spiraling into anxiety. I’m constantly worrying about my own health, or the health of my family, and sometimes even the massive global disasters you see on the news just totally wreck me. Plus, I have this one specific quirk that drives me absolutely insane: this obsessive need for everything to be perfectly organized and symmetrical. Like, if my space isn't visually "right," I lose it. I go way overboard—I’ll spend forever color-coding my books on the shelf or lining them up by height just so it looks decent. And don't even get me started on the chaos in the real world that I can't control. It drives me nuts when some random eight-story apartment complex gets slapped in the middle of a neighborhood where every other building is a two-story house, just sticking out like a sore thumb. Or when some ugly billboard gets put up right in front of a gorgeous historic building, completely ruining the view. I’m always thinking about how much better things would be if they just fixed the streets, or renovated the local parks, or finally tore down those eyesore illegal constructions. I catch myself daydreaming about these perfectly manicured, orderly cities, and then I get pissed because things aren't like that here. Most people don't even notice. They honestly couldn't care less if a building's facade is rotting or if the city bus is filthy... they're either too caught up in their own lives or they just don't have the eye for it.

Correct. I believe you are looking at the wrong universe. That facade exists in a parallel reality where you have zero influence to enact change. It is merely a broadcast on a television screen; we aren't in some sci-fi thriller where we can step inside the plot. You must focus on the sphere where you actually hold agency. Furthermore, if you lack emotional regulation, that is simply another reality—many people struggle to control impulses like jealousy, yet that remains your specific burden. Whether this constitutes "wise advice" is debatable. My friend takes salsa classes; perhaps that might help you.

feralharbor13 said:You hit the nail on the head. I’ll be the first to admit I can be pretty negative. It’s like my brain just naturally gravitates toward pessimism or spiraling into anxiety. I’m constantly worrying about my own health, or the health of my family, and sometimes even the massive global disasters you see on the news just totally wreck me. Plus, I have this one specific quirk that drives me absolutely insane: this obsessive need for everything to be perfectly organized and symmetrical. Like, if my space isn't visually "right," I lose it. I go way overboard—I’ll spend forever color-coding my books on the shelf or lining them up by height just so it looks decent. And don't even get me started on the chaos in the real world that I can't control. It drives me nuts when some random eight-story apartment complex gets slapped in the middle of a neighborhood where every other building is a two-story house, just sticking out like a sore thumb. Or when some ugly billboard gets put up right in front of a gorgeous historic building, completely ruining the view. I’m always thinking about how much better things would be if they just fixed the streets, or renovated the local parks, or finally tore down those eyesore illegal constructions. I catch myself daydreaming about these perfectly manicured, orderly cities, and then I get pissed because things aren't like that here. Most people don't even notice. They honestly couldn't care less if a building's facade is rotting or if the city bus is filthy... they're either too caught up in their own lives or they just don't have the eye for it.

I suppose people do notice those details, but I think those thoughts are usually just fleeting moments or passing observations; they don't typically occupy enough mental space to prevent someone from functioning in other areas of their life.

The brain is generally quite efficient at filtering out trivial information and thoughts to help us navigate our day-to-day existence more smoothly. It’s possible, though I can't say for certain, that you might be dealing with some kind of attention deficit, or perhaps even a mild form of OCD.

All of these small distractions and preoccupations seem to be draining your energy, which might explain why you feel like you're struggling to build friendships, maintain romantic relationships, or even manage your career. Perhaps it might be worth considering speaking with a professional; helping yourself in this way might make navigating life feel a bit more manageable.

So tell me... when you're solo, do you get these random thoughts too? Like, are you suddenly picturing the Pyramids or Niagara Falls, or are you actually focused on what's happening?

I am referring to Reddit.

Why on earth are you searching for a boyfriend if you aren't even capable of centering your thoughts around him the way you would any other subject matter?

If you actually find yourself feeling that physical longing, why isn't your focus directed toward addressing that basic human need?😁

feralharbor13 said:I want to get this off my chest, and I’ll try to keep it brief, but why does every single one of my relationships—every attempt at one—just crash and burn? It always comes down to the same thing: my introversion and my damn analytical brain.
Take this guy, for example. Let's call him Mark. We go out on two or three dates, and I actually like him. He’s good-looking, charismatic, he wants a serious relationship, he shows interest...
And that’s exactly when my brain starts spiraling. I’ve never dated a guy named Mark before... so I start thinking about Mark Twain... then I get obsessed with reading his stuff. Or maybe Saint Mark... so I ask him if he’s ever been to Venice. I love visiting Venice. Then I start planning this massive trip because I’ve been there a bunch of times but never with a boyfriend. For the next two weeks, I’m deep in a rabbit hole researching Venetian architecture, the history of the Republic of Venice... You see how it goes. Suddenly, I realize I’ve never actually followed the Venice Film Festival, so now I’m binge-watching award-winning movies from the festival. Why did this movie win over that one? Let me check out the rest of the winners... I end up heading in a hundred different directions, and I give the actual guy almost zero attention. He eventually pulls away, or I catch him cheating... which leads me to start buying books on the psychology of infidelity... "Wow, this psychologist is brilliant, let me see what else he’s written," so I buy his entire bibliography. Meanwhile, the guy feels like I’m not even physically there. He ends up looking for an exit from a relationship where he's miserable because while he was trying to build something with me, I was busy analyzing Venetian cinema, history, psychology, and the life of Mark Twain.
The next guy is named Peter... nice name. Like Peter the Great. I suddenly decide I really want to visit St. Petersburg... and then I remember I haven't read Anna Karenina in ages, and since I loved that book, I start reading it. It blows my mind, so I decide I need to tackle War and Peace, so I start watching YouTube reviews of the book. "Man, this reviewer is great, she recommended some works I might like," so I head to the bookstore to pick them up... The setting is in Norway... Now I’m interested in Norway and Scandinavian mythology. I buy an encyclopedia on Norse myths. Then I remember my uncle moved to Norway to live, so maybe I should visit him since I’ve never been... And of course, Peter leaves me too. It’s the same story with every guy I've ever had. They all reach the same conclusion: "I wanted you, I wanted a girlfriend, I wanted love and attention, I gave you chances, I stayed, but you were lost in your books and your own thoughts... you're frigid, we barely have sex." That's just how my brain functions when I'm alone. I'll watch a play at the theater and immediately start dissecting the performance, the acting, the actors' biographies, the costumes... Why on earth was this actress cast? She's terrible! Where are the better actors? Then I get interested in the theater itself, drama, tragedy, comedy... I start reading about ancient Greek theater, researching the history of ancient Greece, reading Antigone and The Odyssey, pondering the meaning of life, time, immortality, symbolism... It holds me back from socializing, too. When people are talking about everyday stuff or normal problems, my brain just drifts off. I start thinking about stars, galaxies, geography, history... wondering if I should just stay single or find someone just as weird as I am.

You mean—someone professional? Like, a specialist who could help manage that constant mental noise and make socializing a bit easier? Honestly, yeah, definitely.

By the way, I didn't quite catch how things went south in your specific situation. If you're dealing with such a chaotic stream of thought and trouble focusing, I'm not sure how you even managed to build a connection in the first place.

I honestly don’t get people... I look pretty good for my age—definitely younger than the calendar says—and I don't feel the need to put on some fake persona. I just show up as myself. I’m straight up about who I am, what I bring to the table, what I’m looking for, and yeah, even my flaws and weaknesses. Most people out there dating today are just playing characters. They inflate their egos, exaggerate how great they are, hide their baggage, or straight-up lie about things. It’s exhausting. I stay spontaneous and real, and honestly, people usually dig that. I actually know how to pay attention and listen... but eventually, my mind starts wandering. You can tell exactly when someone starts losing interest, when they start dodging you or pulling away. Or, on the flip side, they become incredibly needy, blowing up my phone constantly. Sometimes it feels like they're just performing. My focus shifts elsewhere, and before you know it, we’re basically strangers living in the same house. I’m in my own little world, he’s in his, and we’re talking past each other. There’s this massive disconnect, this feeling that someone is sitting right next to you but they're miles away, impossible to truly reach or understand. It always ends the same way: either I lose interest and end it, or he leaves me, or he starts cheating because my drive just tanks. The sex is great at first, but then it gets boring and predictable. Suddenly, he wants more and more, and it starts feeling like a chore—like some obligation I have to fulfill just to keep him around.

I always end up subconsciously comparing our relationship to everyone else—like my parents' marriage, his parents', or even celebrity couples. It’s constant. We’ll be watching a movie together and I’ll just sit there thinking, "God, this couple is so much more in sync than we are." It gets so awkward that I actually start avoiding certain scenes when he's around, like when a couple kisses or has sex. If it's some rich actress living in Manhattan, I start spiraling, thinking about how this guy fell for her, while my boyfriend is stuck with me, working an average job and barely scraping together enough cash for a weekend trip to the lake. Or sometimes it's the opposite: I see this girl in a movie get swept off her feet, taken on trips to New York City, and bought a luxury car, while my guy won't even take me to Silver Lake because money is tight. It creates this massive wave of insecurity in me. I find myself dodging romantic movies or avoiding hanging out with other couples altogether. Like if we go out with his friend and his fiancée, and they just bought a house or got back from a trip to Paris while we're just wandering around local parks... it sucks. Then there’s the situation where a friend wants to meet him, and I introduce them, and she starts bragging about how her boyfriend is taking her to Berlin, how he proposed, handled all her visa paperwork so she could move to Germany, and landed her a killer job there. Meanwhile, I can't even take my guy out of the state, let alone help him with a career. So then I try way too hard to be interesting or funny to make up for it, but deep down, I just feel inadequate. I'm terrified he'll leave me, or worse, that I'll lose interest because he wants to go to a Rozga concert and I just can't deal with it. I'd have to lie to my friends about where I was just to avoid looking like I'm not into that scene. The alternative is telling him, "Look, I really don't want to go to a Rozga show or a techno club; I hate that music," but then that works against me. He ends up going without me, which happens a lot, and it's incredibly painful for both of us. My first boyfriend was a total rocker—always at concerts, always at parties, always hanging with the rock crowd. I loved him, but I just wasn't that type, so he’d go solo. He'd be out with his crew and their partners, and when someone asked, "Where's your girlfriend?" I was just sitting at home because I never went out with him. We were together for years like that—he did his thing, I did mine. We didn't even celebrate birthdays together; he'd party with his friends and then we'd grab dinner the next day. Eventually, he dumped me because he realized that even though we were in a relationship, he felt completely alone. He wanted a girl who would actually ride with him and want to be part of his world.

To be honest, you’re being a little exhausting. I get that you can't seem to stay focused—and look, there are legitimate neurodivergent conditions out there—but this constant need to compete and prove you're better than everyone else... it's just a lot.

Have you ever considered that you might actually be on the spectrum?

feralharbor13 said:You hit the nail on the head. I’ll be the first to admit I can be pretty negative. It’s like my brain just naturally gravitates toward pessimism or spiraling into anxiety. I’m constantly worrying about my own health, or the health of my family, and sometimes even the massive global disasters you see on the news just totally wreck me. Plus, I have this one specific quirk that drives me absolutely insane: this obsessive need for everything to be perfectly organized and symmetrical. Like, if my space isn't visually "right," I lose it. I go way overboard—I’ll spend forever color-coding my books on the shelf or lining them up by height just so it looks decent. And don't even get me started on the chaos in the real world that I can't control. It drives me nuts when some random eight-story apartment complex gets slapped in the middle of a neighborhood where every other building is a two-story house, just sticking out like a sore thumb. Or when some ugly billboard gets put up right in front of a gorgeous historic building, completely ruining the view. I’m always thinking about how much better things would be if they just fixed the streets, or renovated the local parks, or finally tore down those eyesore illegal constructions. I catch myself daydreaming about these perfectly manicured, orderly cities, and then I get pissed because things aren't like that here. Most people don't even notice. They honestly couldn't care less if a building's facade is rotting or if the city bus is filthy... they're either too caught up in their own lives or they just don't have the eye for it.

Reading this now... Look, I'm no shrink, but if I were in your shoes, I'd probably look into getting tested. It's entirely possible you're on the autism spectrum, and honestly, getting a diagnosis and talking it through might actually make navigating daily life a whole lot easier.

George Ramos13 said:Reading this now... Look, I'm no shrink, but if I were in your shoes, I'd probably look into getting tested. It's entirely possible you're on the autism spectrum, and honestly, getting a diagnosis and talking it through might actually make navigating daily life a whole lot easier.

I feel the same way... I literally can't even follow her train of thought..

feralharbor13 said:I want to get this off my chest, and I’ll try to keep it brief, but why does every single one of my relationships—every attempt at one—just crash and burn? It always comes down to the same thing: my introversion and my damn analytical brain.
Take this guy, for example. Let's call him Mark. We go out on two or three dates, and I actually like him. He’s good-looking, charismatic, he wants a serious relationship, he shows interest...
And that’s exactly when my brain starts spiraling. I’ve never dated a guy named Mark before... so I start thinking about Mark Twain... then I get obsessed with reading his stuff. Or maybe Saint Mark... so I ask him if he’s ever been to Venice. I love visiting Venice. Then I start planning this massive trip because I’ve been there a bunch of times but never with a boyfriend. For the next two weeks, I’m deep in a rabbit hole researching Venetian architecture, the history of the Republic of Venice... You see how it goes. Suddenly, I realize I’ve never actually followed the Venice Film Festival, so now I’m binge-watching award-winning movies from the festival. Why did this movie win over that one? Let me check out the rest of the winners... I end up heading in a hundred different directions, and I give the actual guy almost zero attention. He eventually pulls away, or I catch him cheating... which leads me to start buying books on the psychology of infidelity... "Wow, this psychologist is brilliant, let me see what else he’s written," so I buy his entire bibliography. Meanwhile, the guy feels like I’m not even physically there. He ends up looking for an exit from a relationship where he's miserable because while he was trying to build something with me, I was busy analyzing Venetian cinema, history, psychology, and the life of Mark Twain.
The next guy is named Peter... nice name. Like Peter the Great. I suddenly decide I really want to visit St. Petersburg... and then I remember I haven't read Anna Karenina in ages, and since I loved that book, I start reading it. It blows my mind, so I decide I need to tackle War and Peace, so I start watching YouTube reviews of the book. "Man, this reviewer is great, she recommended some works I might like," so I head to the bookstore to pick them up... The setting is in Norway... Now I’m interested in Norway and Scandinavian mythology. I buy an encyclopedia on Norse myths. Then I remember my uncle moved to Norway to live, so maybe I should visit him since I’ve never been... And of course, Peter leaves me too. It’s the same story with every guy I've ever had. They all reach the same conclusion: "I wanted you, I wanted a girlfriend, I wanted love and attention, I gave you chances, I stayed, but you were lost in your books and your own thoughts... you're frigid, we barely have sex." That's just how my brain functions when I'm alone. I'll watch a play at the theater and immediately start dissecting the performance, the acting, the actors' biographies, the costumes... Why on earth was this actress cast? She's terrible! Where are the better actors? Then I get interested in the theater itself, drama, tragedy, comedy... I start reading about ancient Greek theater, researching the history of ancient Greece, reading Antigone and The Odyssey, pondering the meaning of life, time, immortality, symbolism... It holds me back from socializing, too. When people are talking about everyday stuff or normal problems, my brain just drifts off. I start thinking about stars, galaxies, geography, history... wondering if I should just stay single or find someone just as weird as I am.

I think you should look for love in the History or Art History department... because an engineer won't be able to grasp the sheer depth and breadth of how much a single name can pull you into a rabbit hole. 🙂

I think I’ve always gravitated toward the introverts right from the jump. Don't get me wrong, they weren't bad guys, they were just... different. I'd definitely be drawn to someone unique, but man, I’d struggle to keep up with their pace every single time. Most of them were those total extroverts who live for the scene—always out at parties, surrounded by crowds, hitting up concerts or clubs... whereas I'm the type who honestly prefers my own company most of the time. My only regret is that I always seemed to be such a buzzkill for them. They were the kind of people who could find joy in the tiniest things and see beauty everywhere. We could just sit in a Starbucks for coffee and they'd be perfectly happy; they wouldn't even notice if there was a crack in the wall, a dirty table, or if the menu had some typos in the descriptions. Peter, specifically, was just so full of life and lightheartedness. He’d get as excited as a little kid every time he saw a dog or a cat on the street, or whenever he picked up some candy or chocolate. And then there’s me, coming along and bitching about how pissed off I am that they tore down that historic mansion to build some generic high-rise, or how they only bothered to fix the front facade of the Capitol building.

feralharbor13 said:You hit the nail on the head. I’ll be the first to admit I can be pretty negative. It’s like my brain just naturally gravitates toward pessimism or spiraling into anxiety. I’m constantly worrying about my own health, or the health of my family, and sometimes even the massive global disasters you see on the news just totally wreck me. Plus, I have this one specific quirk that drives me absolutely insane: this obsessive need for everything to be perfectly organized and symmetrical. Like, if my space isn't visually "right," I lose it. I go way overboard—I’ll spend forever color-coding my books on the shelf or lining them up by height just so it looks decent. And don't even get me started on the chaos in the real world that I can't control. It drives me nuts when some random eight-story apartment complex gets slapped in the middle of a neighborhood where every other building is a two-story house, just sticking out like a sore thumb. Or when some ugly billboard gets put up right in front of a gorgeous historic building, completely ruining the view. I’m always thinking about how much better things would be if they just fixed the streets, or renovated the local parks, or finally tore down those eyesore illegal constructions. I catch myself daydreaming about these perfectly manicured, orderly cities, and then I get pissed because things aren't like that here. Most people don't even notice. They honestly couldn't care less if a building's facade is rotting or if the city bus is filthy... they're either too caught up in their own lives or they just don't have the eye for it.

We all rabbit hole into different topics. An article catches your eye, and you want to dig deeper to figure out the "why" behind it. But the issue is when you do it obsessively—when there’s no off switch. You need to learn to say, "Okay, I've got the basics, if I really care, I'll take a note and come back later." Try forcing yourself to break the cycle. When you feel that endless spiral starting, stop. Write down where you left off and deal with it tomorrow. Force yourself to do it a few times until you break that obsessive loop.

Information can turn into an avalanche that buries you if you don't set boundaries. Look, I don't care for mindless gossip about someone's boring life either, but we're social creatures. Interacting with the world is a key part of being a functional person. Being well-read or having an eye for art isn't enough on its own, just like being social doesn't excuse neglecting your intellect. Right now, you're like a scale where one side is a heavy weight and the other is a feather. Sorry for the analogy, it just came to mind. 🤣 When there's no balance, something's off mentally.

I live a pretty solitary life because the mass stupidity of people honestly gets under my skin. But I get that I need social contact and I can't exactly go around re-educating everyone in my vicinity. I accept people as they are—stupid, uneducated, brilliant, beautiful, ugly, anxious, happy. Everyone in my circle deserves my attention, just as I deserve theirs. I set aside specific time for these social interactions, and during that time, I don't let the other parts of my life—the parts that actually bring me joy and fulfillment—bleed in. I try to strike a balance and live a life that includes others, regardless of what they're like (aside from criminals, abusers, or addicts).

As for men, just let it go for a while. Focus on yourself first. It’s not fair to jump into a relationship when you aren't in a place to give your whole self or contribute to the growth of the partnership.

The reason I'm telling you this is to suggest you start compartmentalizing certain areas of your life. If you're at work, focus ONLY on work and your colleagues. If your mind starts wandering, write it down and save it for when you get home. If you're grabbing coffee with a friend, listen to them. Turn off the internal monologue about literature or whatever else. You probably aren't interesting to everyone you talk to, and it's okay if what they say isn't interesting to you, either. But they are a human being, just like you, and they deserve respect and attention—even if it's not on an intellectual level. If you can't or won't do that, it might be worth talking to a psychologist. They deal with this kind of stuff professionally, and they could help, because it's clear you're struggling with some kind of mental dysfunction.

Force yourself to act like a functioning member of society once in a while. Just do it. Try it for a month and see how much better your focus gets. Every time your mind starts drifting into the weeds, write it down and force a course correction. It’s easier to stay on track when you’ve actually logged the distractions. Think of it as training your own brain—no one else is going to step in and do the heavy lifting for you. It takes grit and a sharp mind, but I'm betting you've got both. 🙂

Thanks for all the advice and the answers.
I want to share something else—it’s a bit personal, but I really need an outside perspective on this.
I’m just not a super sexual person. It takes me a long time to actually get intimate with someone and feel comfortable. Most guys seem to expect things to happen within the first month or maybe by the second or third date at the latest. Honestly, I just feel this massive sense of shame and awkwardness being intimate with someone I barely know. It sounds crazy, but I feel more embarrassed stripping down in front of my own mother—the woman who literally raised me—than I do in front of some guy I’ve only seen a handful of times. But apparently, when I set those boundaries, they just label me as "frigid" or asexual. Maybe it's how I was raised, or maybe it stems from a traumatic memory from when I was a little girl; I came home early from school one day and walked right into my parents having sex, totally naked in the middle of the living room. That image stuck with me for days, and it took forever to push it out of my head. I didn't even lose my innocence until I was 23. Almost every guy I dated had an issue with me because they wanted more sex—more passion, more "kinky" stuff, oral, trying different positions or locations... I found out later that most of them were cheating on me because they weren't getting enough satisfaction, which just made being intimate with them feel disgusting. I couldn't stop picturing them in bed with other girls. To be blunt, I’m also terrified of STDs... if I'm not 100% certain we are in a monogamous relationship, I just can't let go. For instance, Peter had absolutely no problem having sex with me while his brother was right in the next room. It made me so uncomfortable; I was constantly holding back, terrified he'd hear us. One time he even walked right into our room, and it was mortifying for me, but Peter was totally fine with it, acting like it didn't matter because he knew what we were doing.