Why my relationships always fail

@dasak vetra

Some people head to clothing-optional beaches and others don't, which I suppose is just how it goes. Both ways are totally fine, so your hesitation about getting too physical might actually be the most normal thing about everything you've shared so far. It seems like you probably just need to find someone who’s on the exact same wavelength as you are.

feralharbor13 said:I honestly don’t get people... I look pretty good for my age—definitely younger than the calendar says—and I don't feel the need to put on some fake persona. I just show up as myself. I’m straight up about who I am, what I bring to the table, what I’m looking for, and yeah, even my flaws and weaknesses. Most people out there dating today are just playing characters. They inflate their egos, exaggerate how great they are, hide their baggage, or straight-up lie about things. It’s exhausting. I stay spontaneous and real, and honestly, people usually dig that. I actually know how to pay attention and listen... but eventually, my mind starts wandering. You can tell exactly when someone starts losing interest, when they start dodging you or pulling away. Or, on the flip side, they become incredibly needy, blowing up my phone constantly. Sometimes it feels like they're just performing. My focus shifts elsewhere, and before you know it, we’re basically strangers living in the same house. I’m in my own little world, he’s in his, and we’re talking past each other. There’s this massive disconnect, this feeling that someone is sitting right next to you but they're miles away, impossible to truly reach or understand. It always ends the same way: either I lose interest and end it, or he leaves me, or he starts cheating because my drive just tanks. The sex is great at first, but then it gets boring and predictable. Suddenly, he wants more and more, and it starts feeling like a chore—like some obligation I have to fulfill just to keep him around.

If you're this disconnected in actual relationships, I'd say there isn't a single person out there who would feel relaxed or at peace with you. Your focus shifts at irregular intervals; it's impossible to follow your train of thought. And once someone finally manages to catch up, all they get is a complaint about how nothing and nobody works, including yourself. You're like a puzzle with missing pieces.

You ever get this vibe about people, or just about the world in general? Or maybe it’s just my specific circle. It feels like most people I know are totally obsessed with these random people who aren't even a concrete part of their actual lives... everyone’s got their own little fixation.
For instance, my sister spends her entire life following these influencers on social media. She can spend an hour straight rambling to me about some Frenchwoman, how she decorated her house, what her kids are up to, all that junk. Then there's a friend who lives for sports; they know everything about the athletes, watch every single interview with Roger Federer, knows exactly where he played and who he played against, and tracks the ATP rankings like it's their job. My dad is retired now, so he spends his whole day glued to the TV talking about Zelenskyy, Putin, Donald Trump, and various generals. One friend follows those foreign talent shows like *America's Got Talent* and knows every winner, every judge, and every bit of drama. Another friend is obsessively binge-watching series; she’ll recap every plot twist to me, and just when she finishes a season of The Price of a Maid, a new season of some other show drops and she’s right back at it. It makes me stop and think: why on earth would I need to know any of this? What does any of it have to do with me, our relationship, or our actual lives? So much space taken up in people's memory banks by people who don't matter. Participants on *American Idol*... so what? What is a person supposed to do with that knowledge? Honestly, I’m pretty deep into my own stuff—I read books, for one—but even then, I feel like that’s a better use of time than watching influencers or tracking what's happening in Ukraine. I honestly find myself getting lost whenever I’m in a group setting, especially with people I barely know. You’ve got one guy talking about reality TV drama, another on politics, someone else on series, someone else on influencers... and you walk away feeling like you didn't even connect with anyone because they barely talk about themselves. They actually bond with each other easier because there's a higher chance they'll find common ground over Federer or an HBO series than they will hearing about books or an analysis of Master and Margarita.

feralharbor13 said:You ever get this vibe about people, or just about the world in general? Or maybe it’s just my specific circle. It feels like most people I know are totally obsessed with these random people who aren't even a concrete part of their actual lives... everyone’s got their own little fixation.
For instance, my sister spends her entire life following these influencers on social media. She can spend an hour straight rambling to me about some Frenchwoman, how she decorated her house, what her kids are up to, all that junk. Then there's a friend who lives for sports; they know everything about the athletes, watch every single interview with Roger Federer, knows exactly where he played and who he played against, and tracks the ATP rankings like it's their job. My dad is retired now, so he spends his whole day glued to the TV talking about Zelenskyy, Putin, Donald Trump, and various generals. One friend follows those foreign talent shows like *America's Got Talent* and knows every winner, every judge, and every bit of drama. Another friend is obsessively binge-watching series; she’ll recap every plot twist to me, and just when she finishes a season of The Price of a Maid, a new season of some other show drops and she’s right back at it. It makes me stop and think: why on earth would I need to know any of this? What does any of it have to do with me, our relationship, or our actual lives? So much space taken up in people's memory banks by people who don't matter. Participants on *American Idol*... so what? What is a person supposed to do with that knowledge? Honestly, I’m pretty deep into my own stuff—I read books, for one—but even then, I feel like that’s a better use of time than watching influencers or tracking what's happening in Ukraine. I honestly find myself getting lost whenever I’m in a group setting, especially with people I barely know. You’ve got one guy talking about reality TV drama, another on politics, someone else on series, someone else on influencers... and you walk away feeling like you didn't even connect with anyone because they barely talk about themselves. They actually bond with each other easier because there's a higher chance they'll find common ground over Federer or an HBO series than they will hearing about books or an analysis of Master and Margarita.

Even if it's wrapped in layers of self-criticism and politeness, the core thought remains: "No one else is quite as special as I am, right?" How much truth is actually in that? You'll have to decide for yourself.

@dasak.vetra

There’s that old saying about how birds of a feather flock together, I guess. You should probably just find your own crowd—people who actually get you and share your interests. Plus, if you're busy with work or whatever, you probably won't have much time to hang out with everyone anyway.

Brenda Perez11 said:Even if it's wrapped in layers of self-criticism and politeness, the core thought remains: "No one else is quite as special as I am, right?" How much truth is actually in that? You'll have to decide for yourself.

How much truth is there really? If it's true, then it's just true, right? To compare, is it impossible to notice anyone else being great? You can only spot them and judge them based on your own more-or-less "great" self. It's basically creating and clinging to a reality where either nobody is as good as me, or everyone is better than my mediocre self. Or maybe finding some middle ground to park yourself in... if that's even an option. Either way, when you're just doing your own solo interpretation of the same thing, is it always going to be the "truth"...?

feralharbor13 said:You hit the nail on the head. I’ll be the first to admit I can be pretty negative. It’s like my brain just naturally gravitates toward pessimism or spiraling into anxiety. I’m constantly worrying about my own health, or the health of my family, and sometimes even the massive global disasters you see on the news just totally wreck me. Plus, I have this one specific quirk that drives me absolutely insane: this obsessive need for everything to be perfectly organized and symmetrical. Like, if my space isn't visually "right," I lose it. I go way overboard—I’ll spend forever color-coding my books on the shelf or lining them up by height just so it looks decent. And don't even get me started on the chaos in the real world that I can't control. It drives me nuts when some random eight-story apartment complex gets slapped in the middle of a neighborhood where every other building is a two-story house, just sticking out like a sore thumb. Or when some ugly billboard gets put up right in front of a gorgeous historic building, completely ruining the view. I’m always thinking about how much better things would be if they just fixed the streets, or renovated the local parks, or finally tore down those eyesore illegal constructions. I catch myself daydreaming about these perfectly manicured, orderly cities, and then I get pissed because things aren't like that here. Most people don't even notice. They honestly couldn't care less if a building's facade is rotting or if the city bus is filthy... they're either too caught up in their own lives or they just don't have the eye for it.

This sounds very much like Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. It would be wise to consult a professional. Taking that first step toward speaking with someone could likely provide some much-needed relief in your day-to-day life.

As for your interests, there is absolutely nothing wrong with them. The reason your current social circle doesn't share your passions is simply because you haven't found your tribe yet. You should look for specific interest groups or local clubs to find people who actually resonate with who you are.

Regarding relationships, if I were in your shoes, I would suggest stepping back from dating for a while to focus entirely on yourself. It seems to me that you might not be fully prepared for a partnership right now, which often leads to choosing partners who are fundamentally incompatible with you. Since you strike me as an introvert, you ought to seek out fellow introverts who share your core values. Extroverts clearly don't suit your temperament. I am a profound introvert myself, and I know I could never sustain a relationship with an extrovert.

Honestly, this sounds pretty interesting to me too, even if I totally get that living life with someone like that would be a whole different beast 😁.

Does that little world of yours actually make you happy? Like, besides the fact that you can't seem to keep a boyfriend, are you actually satisfied with how things are? Because from where I'm sitting, if you really are content, then maybe you just need to sit around waiting for "the one" to show up... which, let's be real, might never happen, leaving you stuck on your own.

The real question is, is there any chance you're actually going to change who you are at your core?

You might be dealing with ADHD or you could be on the autism spectrum. Honestly, the two often go hand in hand.

I experience this quite frequently. It isn't necessarily about specific names or authors, but rather regarding buildings and structural things.
It is also difficult for me to identify topics that would serve our collective interest when it comes to building something together.
I suspect this happens because I often end up feeling inferior to others. Consequently, I feel pressured to act exactly how they want. There have been several instances where I tried to hold my ground, only to be labeled as argumentative or pushy, even though I usually just encounter people who are determined to force their own views on everyone else.

Perhaps that is why the author chooses to escape reality in such a manner?

Everyone claims she needs to respect authority, but I find myself wondering who came up with that rule and how?
How exactly should one respect authority? Where does that boundary begin, and more importantly, where does it end?

Maybe it doesn't start, maybe it never even gets going, but it’s definitely heading somewhere... All you gotta do is stay patient. Just sit back, watch closely, and wait out the storm to see where, when, and how it all unfolds. Patience saves you, or so they say. This too shall pass.

silvercobra122 said:I experience this quite frequently. It isn't necessarily about specific names or authors, but rather regarding buildings and structural things.
It is also difficult for me to identify topics that would serve our collective interest when it comes to building something together.
I suspect this happens because I often end up feeling inferior to others. Consequently, I feel pressured to act exactly how they want. There have been several instances where I tried to hold my ground, only to be labeled as argumentative or pushy, even though I usually just encounter people who are determined to force their own views on everyone else.

Perhaps that is why the author chooses to escape reality in such a manner?

Everyone claims she needs to respect authority, but I find myself wondering who came up with that rule and how?
How exactly should one respect authority? Where does that boundary begin, and more importantly, where does it end?

I have a pretty simple philosophy when it comes to this: if someone earned their seat at the table through actual expertise and hard work, then yeah, sure, I’ll give them the respect they deserve. But if these so-called "authorities" only hold power because they climbed some corporate ladder or landed a title without actually knowing what they're doing, I’m going to make it my mission to ignore them.
Respect should be earned, not just handed out because of a job title.

Matthew Castillo5 said:I have a pretty simple philosophy when it comes to this: if someone earned their seat at the table through actual expertise and hard work, then yeah, sure, I’ll give them the respect they deserve. But if these so-called "authorities" only hold power because they climbed some corporate ladder or landed a title without actually knowing what they're doing, I’m going to make it my mission to ignore them.
Respect should be earned, not just handed out because of a job title.

I see your point, but I was actually thinking about authority within relationships and personal connections... not just in a professional setting.
It seems to me that many people have a deep desire to exert control over others.
I can handle it when someone offers advice or something similar, but this need for dominance is something I just can't wrap my head around.

silvercobra122 said:I see your point, but I was actually thinking about authority within relationships and personal connections... not just in a professional setting.
It seems to me that many people have a deep desire to exert control over others.
I can handle it when someone offers advice or something similar, but this need for dominance is something I just can't wrap my head around.

Alright, when it comes to romantic partnerships, it really just boils down to what those two people agree on. Personally, I’ve always leaned toward an equal partnership, but let's be real: some dynamics work perfectly fine even when one person takes the lead.

Matthew Castillo5 said:Alright, when it comes to romantic partnerships, it really just boils down to what those two people agree on. Personally, I’ve always leaned toward an equal partnership, but let's be real: some dynamics work perfectly fine even when one person takes the lead.

There certainly are. Many men desire to be the dominant partner, provided they understand how to carry that role. On the flip side, they also need to know when to step back and follow, which I suspect some can manage quite naturally.

silvercobra122 said:There certainly are. Many men desire to be the dominant partner, provided they understand how to carry that role. On the flip side, they also need to know when to step back and follow, which I suspect some can manage quite naturally.

In my house growing up, my mom was definitely the one calling the shots, and honestly, my dad was perfectly fine with that dynamic.

feralharbor13 said:I want to get this off my chest, and I’ll try to keep it brief, but why does every single one of my relationships—every attempt at one—just crash and burn? It always comes down to the same thing: my introversion and my damn analytical brain.
Take this guy, for example. Let's call him Mark. We go out on two or three dates, and I actually like him. He’s good-looking, charismatic, he wants a serious relationship, he shows interest...
And that’s exactly when my brain starts spiraling. I’ve never dated a guy named Mark before... so I start thinking about Mark Twain... then I get obsessed with reading his stuff. Or maybe Saint Mark... so I ask him if he’s ever been to Venice. I love visiting Venice. Then I start planning this massive trip because I’ve been there a bunch of times but never with a boyfriend. For the next two weeks, I’m deep in a rabbit hole researching Venetian architecture, the history of the Republic of Venice... You see how it goes. Suddenly, I realize I’ve never actually followed the Venice Film Festival, so now I’m binge-watching award-winning movies from the festival. Why did this movie win over that one? Let me check out the rest of the winners... I end up heading in a hundred different directions, and I give the actual guy almost zero attention. He eventually pulls away, or I catch him cheating... which leads me to start buying books on the psychology of infidelity... "Wow, this psychologist is brilliant, let me see what else he’s written," so I buy his entire bibliography. Meanwhile, the guy feels like I’m not even physically there. He ends up looking for an exit from a relationship where he's miserable because while he was trying to build something with me, I was busy analyzing Venetian cinema, history, psychology, and the life of Mark Twain.
The next guy is named Peter... nice name. Like Peter the Great. I suddenly decide I really want to visit St. Petersburg... and then I remember I haven't read Anna Karenina in ages, and since I loved that book, I start reading it. It blows my mind, so I decide I need to tackle War and Peace, so I start watching YouTube reviews of the book. "Man, this reviewer is great, she recommended some works I might like," so I head to the bookstore to pick them up... The setting is in Norway... Now I’m interested in Norway and Scandinavian mythology. I buy an encyclopedia on Norse myths. Then I remember my uncle moved to Norway to live, so maybe I should visit him since I’ve never been... And of course, Peter leaves me too. It’s the same story with every guy I've ever had. They all reach the same conclusion: "I wanted you, I wanted a girlfriend, I wanted love and attention, I gave you chances, I stayed, but you were lost in your books and your own thoughts... you're frigid, we barely have sex." That's just how my brain functions when I'm alone. I'll watch a play at the theater and immediately start dissecting the performance, the acting, the actors' biographies, the costumes... Why on earth was this actress cast? She's terrible! Where are the better actors? Then I get interested in the theater itself, drama, tragedy, comedy... I start reading about ancient Greek theater, researching the history of ancient Greece, reading Antigone and The Odyssey, pondering the meaning of life, time, immortality, symbolism... It holds me back from socializing, too. When people are talking about everyday stuff or normal problems, my brain just drifts off. I start thinking about stars, galaxies, geography, history... wondering if I should just stay single or find someone just as weird as I am.

Your posts are interesting, and your level of curiosity is honestly fascinating.
I don't think you have a "problem," you just need to find people who share those same niche interests.
You have to be an incredibly engaging conversationalist.

silvercobra122 said:There certainly are. Many men desire to be the dominant partner, provided they understand how to carry that role. On the flip side, they also need to know when to step back and follow, which I suspect some can manage quite naturally.

Is it because they actually want to be leaders, or is it just that they were raised in those old-school, traditional households where they expect someone to just follow orders?

ruggedcobra12 said:Is it because they actually want to be leaders, or is it just that they were raised in those old-school, traditional households where they expect someone to just follow orders?

It isn't just about men being dominant. There are plenty of women who crave control or simply enjoy being in charge too.

I am not entirely sure what the root cause is. Perhaps I am just too passive, which makes it seem like everyone is trying to dominate me. Regardless, I don't accept it, and it truly bothers me.
Maybe the mindsets I've been encountering lately just aren't a good fit for me.

silvercobra122 said:It isn't just about men being dominant. There are plenty of women who crave control or simply enjoy being in charge too.

I am not entirely sure what the root cause is. Perhaps I am just too passive, which makes it seem like everyone is trying to dominate me. Regardless, I don't accept it, and it truly bothers me.
Maybe the mindsets I've been encountering lately just aren't a good fit for me.

So, you're saying there are dominant women? Like, they run the show or just need to be in charge? If you feel inferior, then everyone around you is going to seem dominant regardless, right? And if you're actually accepting that—even if you hate it—then isn't that just you giving in to it? Maybe the people you're dealing with lately just don't click with you. Basically, you're stuck between needing to accept them and being unable to, which leads to you being pissed at yourself... maybe it's just a sign that it's time to go back to the old crowd, the ones who actually fit your personality?