#21 ·
Look, I’m gonna be blunt and skip all the usual fluff—it is totally possible that some things just aren't meant for you. And it’s for the same reason other people miss out on stuff too. No matter how hard you grind, there are no guarantees unless we're talking about hitting a PR in the gym or something equally straightforward where the rules actually apply. You can give it your absolute all and still end up empty-handed. Most of us are going to miss out on *something* in life. Some of us grew up without parents, some will never have kids, and some will never be loved in the exact way they crave. It’s not even mathematically possible for everyone to get everything. That’s not a failure on anyone's part—it’s just life, and life doesn't owe you anything, nor does it care how much it hurts. This hits especially hard when it comes to dating and relationships. With so many variables—your own criteria, someone else's, your age, look, job, social circle, the city you live in, and just pure random luck and timing—there is no such thing as "smart advice." Especially since you haven't even shared any specifics yet.
Honestly, all that fortune cookie wisdom and those clichés about "working on yourself" usually miss the mark in my experience—they're some of the most useless bits of advice you can give in this situation. Family, close friends, acquaintances, even strangers... I could list a ton of examples—and I know most people here can too—where people match up perfectly fine even though you couldn't tell they were doing any "work" at all. You've got depressed folks who never leave the house, unemployed people, perpetual students, stay-at-home moms with zero career history, plus the overweight, chronically messy, or high-strung types, etc.—I won't go on or I'll sound like I'm bashing "our own." They are who they are, and that's their business. The only catch is that, because of dating dynamics, it's almost always women who can afford to sit on their hands a bit, whereas you can't. Things just don't work that way for a guy like you—otherwise, you wouldn't be in this spot. Something has to shift. Being an introvert, being passive, being withdrawn... all of that is a much heavier weight to carry when you're a man. If you're depressed and your confidence is trashed, it's the same story. There is no worse combo for a guy, period. I’d bet my life you aren't any "worse" than the examples I just gave. That doesn't change your current struggle, but maybe it should change how you see yourself, since you're claiming you have nothing to offer. Like those people are some kind of grand prizes? Give me a break. Your main issue is that your self-esteem is at zero, and that's something you can work on independently of your loneliness.
The point is, you don't need to cross anything off a list, and you don't have to accept this as your permanent reality just yet. Blind hope and total defeatism are both equally shitty extremes, but they aren't your only options. Just let this sit for a bit. In the meantime, find ways to cope however you can—even if that means medication. At least nowadays, that isn't a taboo topic. Generally speaking, just do whatever makes you feel better, and try to remember what used to fulfill you before these thoughts took over. None of this will magically fix your core problem, but it might stop you from spiraling in other areas of your life, which would only make things worse later. I'm not saying this because you're single; I'm saying it because you're 30 and already losing hope that things will improve. Honestly, that specific part sounds like something you should talk through with a professional—not the being single part, but the hopelessness. Some people can handle pessimism, but it sounds like you can't, and hey, you're not the first or the last person this happens to. And honestly, it's a little... I don't know, thinking about who you'll spend your retirement with. I'd bet money that other parts of your life are feeling stalled too now that this has taken over your brain.
Anyway, I'm pretty much in total agreement with the radical take here.
Honestly, all that fortune cookie wisdom and those clichés about "working on yourself" usually miss the mark in my experience—they're some of the most useless bits of advice you can give in this situation. Family, close friends, acquaintances, even strangers... I could list a ton of examples—and I know most people here can too—where people match up perfectly fine even though you couldn't tell they were doing any "work" at all. You've got depressed folks who never leave the house, unemployed people, perpetual students, stay-at-home moms with zero career history, plus the overweight, chronically messy, or high-strung types, etc.—I won't go on or I'll sound like I'm bashing "our own." They are who they are, and that's their business. The only catch is that, because of dating dynamics, it's almost always women who can afford to sit on their hands a bit, whereas you can't. Things just don't work that way for a guy like you—otherwise, you wouldn't be in this spot. Something has to shift. Being an introvert, being passive, being withdrawn... all of that is a much heavier weight to carry when you're a man. If you're depressed and your confidence is trashed, it's the same story. There is no worse combo for a guy, period. I’d bet my life you aren't any "worse" than the examples I just gave. That doesn't change your current struggle, but maybe it should change how you see yourself, since you're claiming you have nothing to offer. Like those people are some kind of grand prizes? Give me a break. Your main issue is that your self-esteem is at zero, and that's something you can work on independently of your loneliness.
The point is, you don't need to cross anything off a list, and you don't have to accept this as your permanent reality just yet. Blind hope and total defeatism are both equally shitty extremes, but they aren't your only options. Just let this sit for a bit. In the meantime, find ways to cope however you can—even if that means medication. At least nowadays, that isn't a taboo topic. Generally speaking, just do whatever makes you feel better, and try to remember what used to fulfill you before these thoughts took over. None of this will magically fix your core problem, but it might stop you from spiraling in other areas of your life, which would only make things worse later. I'm not saying this because you're single; I'm saying it because you're 30 and already losing hope that things will improve. Honestly, that specific part sounds like something you should talk through with a professional—not the being single part, but the hopelessness. Some people can handle pessimism, but it sounds like you can't, and hey, you're not the first or the last person this happens to. And honestly, it's a little... I don't know, thinking about who you'll spend your retirement with. I'd bet money that other parts of your life are feeling stalled too now that this has taken over your brain.
Anyway, I'm pretty much in total agreement with the radical take here.