Discomfort with physical touch

Hey everyone!

I wasn't totally sure which sub this belonged in, but I figured I'd just drop it here. Honestly, I feel like I’ll get much more straight-shooting advice if I check in with Lowe's.

So, I'm in my mid-twenties, working, got my friends, my family, my health—all good. For the most part, I'm actually pretty happy with how things are going. But while I'm just out here living my life, some guy always seems to pop up thinking we could make something work, whether it's a fling or something serious. Here's the thing: I've realized I just prefer being on my own. I don't even feel the need for anyone else. I have zero interest in dumping my thoughts or feelings on someone else, and I definitely don't want to waste my emotional energy, my money, or my physical effort on something that's basically a gamble and won't last. Marriage? Not happening. Ever.

And there's something else. I can't stand physical touch or any of that "affectionate" stuff from guys. Every single time, I just feel this massive urge to reclaim my personal space. My whole body literally tenses up and goes into survival mode when they try to touch me, hug me, or go for a kiss. It's intense. And it goes both ways—I'm not interested in touching them unless it's strictly a friendly pat on the back or something. I just can't handle that much stress. I find myself needing to bail on those situations immediately. Is anyone else dealing with this? How have you all handled it as you've gotten older?

If I’m getting this right, the discomfort actually kicks in before things even get physical? Like, you just don't have the desire to hang out with guys at all? But if we toss that part aside, once things actually start getting physical, is it fair to say you tend to pull away?

What’s your actual experience been like with men, and why do you even bother going on these dates in the first place? Do you feel like you have to, or like it's just what you're supposed to do?

I'm guessing you haven't gone to see a professional about this yet, so it felt easier to just kick off a thread here on the forum?

Are you talking about physical touch in general—like hugging friends or family, or even just getting your hair done at a salon—or are you specifically referring to sexual touch?
Some people are simply asexual and/or aromantic; it’s just one valid way to exist in this world. Even if someone doesn't explicitly identify that way, they might still fall into that category based on how they experience things.

It might be worth looking into—maybe with some professional guidance—whether that discomfort with touch stems from any kind of childhood trauma or past abuse.

"Dealing" with it would definitely involve working on your assertiveness and learning how to set firm boundaries; I mean, you really have every right to question things when you're in those kinds of situations or relationships.

Eric Gray2 said:Are you talking about physical touch in general—like hugging friends or family, or even just getting your hair done at a salon—or are you specifically referring to sexual touch?
Some people are simply asexual and/or aromantic; it’s just one valid way to exist in this world. Even if someone doesn't explicitly identify that way, they might still fall into that category based on how they experience things.

It might be worth looking into—maybe with some professional guidance—whether that discomfort with touch stems from any kind of childhood trauma or past abuse.

"Dealing" with it would definitely involve working on your assertiveness and learning how to set firm boundaries; I mean, you really have every right to question things when you're in those kinds of situations or relationships.

Exactly!

ambersurfer27 said:Hey everyone!

I wasn't totally sure which sub this belonged in, but I figured I'd just drop it here. Honestly, I feel like I’ll get much more straight-shooting advice if I check in with Lowe's.

So, I'm in my mid-twenties, working, got my friends, my family, my health—all good. For the most part, I'm actually pretty happy with how things are going. But while I'm just out here living my life, some guy always seems to pop up thinking we could make something work, whether it's a fling or something serious. Here's the thing: I've realized I just prefer being on my own. I don't even feel the need for anyone else. I have zero interest in dumping my thoughts or feelings on someone else, and I definitely don't want to waste my emotional energy, my money, or my physical effort on something that's basically a gamble and won't last. Marriage? Not happening. Ever.

And there's something else. I can't stand physical touch or any of that "affectionate" stuff from guys. Every single time, I just feel this massive urge to reclaim my personal space. My whole body literally tenses up and goes into survival mode when they try to touch me, hug me, or go for a kiss. It's intense. And it goes both ways—I'm not interested in touching them unless it's strictly a friendly pat on the back or something. I just can't handle that much stress. I find myself needing to bail on those situations immediately. Is anyone else dealing with this? How have you all handled it as you've gotten older?

Why do you feel like a relationship couldn't last?
Is the attention from men unwanted, making you wonder how to avoid the discomfort, or would you actually want to work on overcoming that awkwardness to connect with the opposite sex?

I can partially relate to what you're going through. I also experience massive stress at the thought of physical contact or emotional intimacy developing. That sense of inappropriateness and unease feels similar to something from my childhood, when a parent shamed me for exploring my own sexuality at a very young age. That probably isn't the only reason, but it definitely played a role in making me the person I am today. I also can't stand that level of discomfort, so I have to withdraw. It doesn't help that I don't expect men to be understanding about how I act.

I wish I could just live a peaceful life without all this weight, but it's hard to accept that I don't function quite like a "normal" adult.

Unfortunately, guessing the cause hasn't helped fix the problem. I don't know how to solve it on my own (I don't think it's impossible, I just don't know how), and I've never sought help because I imagine this is a difficult thing to work through. I'm also not sure how educated or interested therapists in America are regarding issues like this, since it isn't exactly common and doesn't follow a standard template.

William Hall61 said:If I’m getting this right, the discomfort actually kicks in before things even get physical? Like, you just don't have the desire to hang out with guys at all? But if we toss that part aside, once things actually start getting physical, is it fair to say you tend to pull away?

What’s your actual experience been like with men, and why do you even bother going on these dates in the first place? Do you feel like you have to, or like it's just what you're supposed to do?

I'm guessing you haven't gone to see a professional about this yet, so it felt easier to just kick off a thread here on the forum?

I don't really have much experience with men. I get along great with them as friends or coworkers and I *do* want to spend time with them and move things to a more romantic level, but it feels like I'm just not built for it.

Exactly. It was just easier to bring this up here.

Eric Gray2 said:Are you talking about physical touch in general—like hugging friends or family, or even just getting your hair done at a salon—or are you specifically referring to sexual touch?
Some people are simply asexual and/or aromantic; it’s just one valid way to exist in this world. Even if someone doesn't explicitly identify that way, they might still fall into that category based on how they experience things.

It might be worth looking into—maybe with some professional guidance—whether that discomfort with touch stems from any kind of childhood trauma or past abuse.

"Dealing" with it would definitely involve working on your assertiveness and learning how to set firm boundaries; I mean, you really have every right to question things when you're in those kinds of situations or relationships.

Look, I love physical contact with animals and my friends. When it comes to family, it really depends on who and when. I'm totally fine with my mom as long as she stops acting like a total control freak and stays out of my business. With my brother, I have to watch out depending on whatever teenage phase he's going through, and I can't stand any kind of contact with my dad. Unfortunately, I have to suck it up and deal with those typical forced hugs during holidays, birthdays, and all that crap. It can go days, weeks, or even months without me saying a single word to him.

And for the record, I don't think I'm asexual. It's more like I feel this intense pull toward sexuality and men at the exact same time I feel a massive repulsion toward them.

wanderingseal23 said:Why do you feel like a relationship couldn't last?
Is the attention from men unwanted, making you wonder how to avoid the discomfort, or would you actually want to work on overcoming that awkwardness to connect with the opposite sex?

I can partially relate to what you're going through. I also experience massive stress at the thought of physical contact or emotional intimacy developing. That sense of inappropriateness and unease feels similar to something from my childhood, when a parent shamed me for exploring my own sexuality at a very young age. That probably isn't the only reason, but it definitely played a role in making me the person I am today. I also can't stand that level of discomfort, so I have to withdraw. It doesn't help that I don't expect men to be understanding about how I act.

I wish I could just live a peaceful life without all this weight, but it's hard to accept that I don't function quite like a "normal" adult.

Unfortunately, guessing the cause hasn't helped fix the problem. I don't know how to solve it on my own (I don't think it's impossible, I just don't know how), and I've never sought help because I imagine this is a difficult thing to work through. I'm also not sure how educated or interested therapists in America are regarding issues like this, since it isn't exactly common and doesn't follow a standard template.

It's because we just start taking people for granted. Or maybe those crushes and "love" stories are just pure projection, idealization, and insane expectations. Those are the traps most people fall into in relationships. Honestly, with my lack of experience, I'd probably fall right into one of those traps too.

Look, sometimes that attention is exactly what you want, but the second feelings start getting real on either side, suddenly that attention feels unwanted. Other times, it's unwanted from the very first second and stays that way.

I'm really sorry you went through that. But hey, thanks for opening up and sharing it with us.

I seem to have this specific issue exclusively when it comes to people I don't particularly vibe with—you know, folks who aren't really my type or just aren't part of my inner circle.

Take certain relatives, for instance—people I barely know and honestly, I don't have anything against them, per se.

But then there are those types of people where physical touch is just... totally normal to them, even with total strangers. For me? Not so much. Unless there’s some kind of genuine, personal connection first, it just feels incredibly awkward.