Extreme jealousy

Please move this post if there’s already a thread like this; I couldn't find one.

Seriously, I need some help here. I’ve had one marriage behind me that ended without much drama—the love just fizzled out, we grew apart as people, that kind of thing.

After a while, I got into a new relationship with a guy I care about deeply.

But I have a massive jealousy problem. Everywhere I turn looking for advice, it’s all written for people dealing with a partner who is pathologically jealous. I can't find anything about how to help yourself when *you* are the one with the issue.

I know what's wrong with me. Every single time, I swear I'm going to change, that I'll never do it again... but it just doesn't happen.

So, here's the deal: I stalk him. I track who he adds on Facebook, what he likes, I dig, I investigate, I watch his last online status on social media, you name it. I build entire conspiracies out of tiny things. Like, if he adds a woman on Facebook and likes one of her photos, my brain goes into overdrive: first, I have to figure out who she is, then I start imagining where they met, if they talk regularly, what they say to each other... I'm terrified he's going to leave me, or that he's cheating and I'm too blind to see it. I check his phone whenever I get the chance. If he gets a text while I'm in the room, I immediately spiral. This disgusting wave of nerves and anger just takes over. And there's plenty more.

I don't show all of this to him directly, though he definitely catches on when I start grilling him with questions. But I keep it bottled up. I'm constantly on edge, scattered, unhappy, and moody. The reason might be something stupid, like seeing him online on Viber at 2 AM... because I *know* he was messaging some girl.

I am fully aware that I'm being irrational. I have no idea why I have this massive fear of being cheated on or abandoned (it never happened during my marriage), but I know if I don't do something, I'm going to wreck this relationship. I seriously doubt he'll put up with this for long.

Does anyone know how to fix this? Any good books, resources, anything at all?

Thanks

Have you ever actually sat him down and had a real conversation about this? Like, did you tell him straight up that you’re feeling jealous and that you honestly don't even know why, but you really want to make it stop?

There wasn't some big traumatic event or anything, so this level of jealousy isn't coming from a specific wound; it's coming from somewhere else entirely. Usually, that kind of jealousy and anger is just a mask for a different emotion, or maybe just a hit to your own self-confidence.
What is it specifically that triggers you? Is it the fear that he'll leave you for someone else? I mean, what actually happens if he walks away? Does it feel like you aren't good enough? It doesn't. It just means someone else might be more compatible or more attractive in a certain moment, but that doesn't take a single thing away from your worth.

You need to sit with yourself and figure out what you're actually terrified of... walk through the possible scenarios, even the absolute worst-case ones. How would you actually feel if they happened? There’s almost certainly a common thread running through all those fears.

Why wouldn't you believe him?

We’ve never actually sat down and talked about this. I’ll, like, casually bring up some woman—a waitress, someone at the grocery store, a coworker... whoever—and he just stays totally chill. He’ll explain things or even make a joke out of my jealousy. But here’s the thing: he has no clue half the stuff I’m doing. He doesn't see me spiraling internally, just obsessing over everything and eating myself alive.

I don't even know why I’m so jealous. It’s probably just low self-esteem, plus let's be real—he is seriously, incredibly hot, and he's four years younger than me. Everywhere we go, women notice him. Period.

And then there's this massive fear of losing him. Like, what if he meets someone better, prettier, smarter, more chill, more interesting... and he just walks away from me?

Every little hiccup or change in routine feels like the beginning of the end to me. Like, if he says he’ll call me at 10:00 AM and he calls later—even if he was just busy or whatever—by 10:01, I'm losing my mind. I start thinking, "Oh, he's not calling. He's not gonna call you. It's because you're stupid or you said something dumb or you're just boring him." I just beat myself up over nothing. Most of the time, the guy just calls later, explains what happened, and we talk like normal people. But it doesn't matter, because by the time he actually rings, I've already shredded my nerves to pieces.

First off, I really respect that you’ve realized the issue lies with you and that you’re actually putting in the work to change. It takes a lot of guts to admit to yourself and everyone else that you were wrong. 🙂

It's great that he can still joke around about those jealous outbursts; honestly, his reaction is a good sign. Just pay attention—try to see if he’s genuinely amused or if he's starting to get a little fed up with it.

You need to stop snooping through his texts, phone, emails, and Facebook immediately. Sooner or later, you’re going to find something that you'll misinterpret and then you’ll be facing an even bigger mess.
You know deep down you shouldn't be doing this, so you have to actively fight the urge. When you get the chance to grab his phone, don't. Resist it. Walk into the other room, go to the kitchen, grab a glass of water—just give yourself some other task to focus on. If you find yourself scrolling through Facebook just to monitor what he's doing, just delete the app for a while.

I saw on another thread that before your divorce, you were agonizing over whether to leave because you weren't sure if you'd ever find anyone else. And look at you now, with a handsome, younger guy. Seriously, props to you. I'm sure you didn't force him into this; he chose you just as much as you chose him. Remind yourself of that more often.

Work on your self-esteem and your relationship with him. Make sure you’re spending quality time alone, and also quality time together.
What do you even mean by wanting to be "better, prettier, smarter, more normal, or more interesting"? Why on earth do you think you aren't enough exactly as you are right now?

feralotter8 said:We’ve never actually sat down and talked about this. I’ll, like, casually bring up some woman—a waitress, someone at the grocery store, a coworker... whoever—and he just stays totally chill. He’ll explain things or even make a joke out of my jealousy. But here’s the thing: he has no clue half the stuff I’m doing. He doesn't see me spiraling internally, just obsessing over everything and eating myself alive.

I don't even know why I’m so jealous. It’s probably just low self-esteem, plus let's be real—he is seriously, incredibly hot, and he's four years younger than me. Everywhere we go, women notice him. Period.

And then there's this massive fear of losing him. Like, what if he meets someone better, prettier, smarter, more chill, more interesting... and he just walks away from me?

Every little hiccup or change in routine feels like the beginning of the end to me. Like, if he says he’ll call me at 10:00 AM and he calls later—even if he was just busy or whatever—by 10:01, I'm losing my mind. I start thinking, "Oh, he's not calling. He's not gonna call you. It's because you're stupid or you said something dumb or you're just boring him." I just beat myself up over nothing. Most of the time, the guy just calls later, explains what happened, and we talk like normal people. But it doesn't matter, because by the time he actually rings, I've already shredded my nerves to pieces.

You're jealous specifically because of the bolded part... he's four years younger and incredibly handsome... women stare...
Just let me tell you one thing... someone prone to cheating could be ten years older than you and unattractive... a total nobody... and they'll still cheat...
Cheating is in their nature... it has nothing to do with looks or age.... so you're stressing out for nothing...
Your jealous outbursts will only drive him away... and drag you down with him...
By the way... and even if he did cheat? He isn't the only man in the world...
and even if you ended up alone?.... You'd survive, just like everyone else...

I’ve been in a relationship with someone just like you, OP. It was an experience I swore I would never go through again. Don't let him reach a breaking point where he makes that same vow. Either seek professional help or walk away—do it for his own sake. Personally, I'm leaning toward the latter because I'm not sure there's any other way out. I honestly don't believe even the best therapists could fix this kind of situation.

feralotter8 said:Please move this post if there’s already a thread like this; I couldn't find one.

Seriously, I need some help here. I’ve had one marriage behind me that ended without much drama—the love just fizzled out, we grew apart as people, that kind of thing.

After a while, I got into a new relationship with a guy I care about deeply.

But I have a massive jealousy problem. Everywhere I turn looking for advice, it’s all written for people dealing with a partner who is pathologically jealous. I can't find anything about how to help yourself when *you* are the one with the issue.

I know what's wrong with me. Every single time, I swear I'm going to change, that I'll never do it again... but it just doesn't happen.

So, here's the deal: I stalk him. I track who he adds on Facebook, what he likes, I dig, I investigate, I watch his last online status on social media, you name it. I build entire conspiracies out of tiny things. Like, if he adds a woman on Facebook and likes one of her photos, my brain goes into overdrive: first, I have to figure out who she is, then I start imagining where they met, if they talk regularly, what they say to each other... I'm terrified he's going to leave me, or that he's cheating and I'm too blind to see it. I check his phone whenever I get the chance. If he gets a text while I'm in the room, I immediately spiral. This disgusting wave of nerves and anger just takes over. And there's plenty more.

I don't show all of this to him directly, though he definitely catches on when I start grilling him with questions. But I keep it bottled up. I'm constantly on edge, scattered, unhappy, and moody. The reason might be something stupid, like seeing him online on Viber at 2 AM... because I *know* he was messaging some girl.

I am fully aware that I'm being irrational. I have no idea why I have this massive fear of being cheated on or abandoned (it never happened during my marriage), but I know if I don't do something, I'm going to wreck this relationship. I seriously doubt he'll put up with this for long.

Does anyone know how to fix this? Any good books, resources, anything at all?

Thanks

That Messenger status can be pretty unreliable since it shows activity even when you aren't actually using the app, and honestly, unless they've changed the way it works, he might not have even been on it at all, but I haven't used it in ages so I wouldn't know for sure.

It shows you're active even when you aren't actually doing anything. My tablet stays on while I'm chatting with a friend, and suddenly I see you're active on Messenger—but no, who knows where you really are, and then much later, I finally see a message.

OP, has this jealousy been hanging over you since the very beginning of your relationship with this guy, or did it just start creeping in after some time had passed?

Good grief, are you seriously jealous of a waitress?!? 🤦

I’m checking in because I’m dealing with the exact same thing.
I recognize this part of my personality, and frankly, I hate it; it just wrecks the harmony between me and my partner. Objectively speaking, I know my strengths and weaknesses, and this specific brand of jealousy is undeniably my biggest flaw.
I haven't quite figured out how to manage it yet.
The author seems to have more control over it than I do, mostly because I can't actually hide how I feel. Even when I try to sweep it under the rug, it just resurfaces with much more intensity. It’s honestly embarrassing.
For instance, I'll decide to go a few days without checking up on his best friend—a married woman with kids living halfway across the country whom he hasn't seen in years—only to cave and see that she liked one of his photos. It completely destroys me. I realize how irrational it all is, but the emotions just swallow me whole.

feralotter8 said:Please move this post if there’s already a thread like this; I couldn't find one.

Seriously, I need some help here. I’ve had one marriage behind me that ended without much drama—the love just fizzled out, we grew apart as people, that kind of thing.

After a while, I got into a new relationship with a guy I care about deeply.

But I have a massive jealousy problem. Everywhere I turn looking for advice, it’s all written for people dealing with a partner who is pathologically jealous. I can't find anything about how to help yourself when *you* are the one with the issue.

I know what's wrong with me. Every single time, I swear I'm going to change, that I'll never do it again... but it just doesn't happen.

So, here's the deal: I stalk him. I track who he adds on Facebook, what he likes, I dig, I investigate, I watch his last online status on social media, you name it. I build entire conspiracies out of tiny things. Like, if he adds a woman on Facebook and likes one of her photos, my brain goes into overdrive: first, I have to figure out who she is, then I start imagining where they met, if they talk regularly, what they say to each other... I'm terrified he's going to leave me, or that he's cheating and I'm too blind to see it. I check his phone whenever I get the chance. If he gets a text while I'm in the room, I immediately spiral. This disgusting wave of nerves and anger just takes over. And there's plenty more.

I don't show all of this to him directly, though he definitely catches on when I start grilling him with questions. But I keep it bottled up. I'm constantly on edge, scattered, unhappy, and moody. The reason might be something stupid, like seeing him online on Viber at 2 AM... because I *know* he was messaging some girl.

I am fully aware that I'm being irrational. I have no idea why I have this massive fear of being cheated on or abandoned (it never happened during my marriage), but I know if I don't do something, I'm going to wreck this relationship. I seriously doubt he'll put up with this for long.

Does anyone know how to fix this? Any good books, resources, anything at all?

Thanks

you're being rational. your jealousy has roots. it isn't baseless. there's a reason or several.
claiming jealousy is just an expression of insecurity is ridiculous and shows a total lack of understanding of the human psyche. people love to label things they haven't actually thought through.

Jealousy is totally natural, basically an evolutionary leftover that serves a purpose in keeping a partner, so it has its own adaptive value.
and importantly, nobody is immune to it. there's no such thing as a perfectly self-sufficient human being, except maybe those monks in India who chose the sun or a bed with a cobra as their partner.

what I managed to read from your text is a lack of trust in your partner, which is most likely the result of a breakdown in communication and dishonesty from both you and him. you, because you aren't telling him what you're feeling, and him, because he acts from a position of power and gets satisfaction from it—which doesn't help you much. he's flexing his power and keeping you submissive. because you said yourself that he "catches on." well, if he catches on, he should probably be more intuitive toward the person he's in what's called the deepest kind of relationship with. and instead of thinking about his actions, your actions are screaming distrust.

things will settle themselves out simply, and according to the words of great Fyodor Dostoevsky: either jealousy will kill love, or love will kill jealousy.

not sure if I need to explain that last quote? 🙂

p.s. this is actually a bit of a tribute to all jealous people, myself included.

Aaron Ruiz22 said:I’m checking in because I’m dealing with the exact same thing.
I recognize this part of my personality, and frankly, I hate it; it just wrecks the harmony between me and my partner. Objectively speaking, I know my strengths and weaknesses, and this specific brand of jealousy is undeniably my biggest flaw.
I haven't quite figured out how to manage it yet.
The author seems to have more control over it than I do, mostly because I can't actually hide how I feel. Even when I try to sweep it under the rug, it just resurfaces with much more intensity. It’s honestly embarrassing.
For instance, I'll decide to go a few days without checking up on his best friend—a married woman with kids living halfway across the country whom he hasn't seen in years—only to cave and see that she liked one of his photos. It completely destroys me. I realize how irrational it all is, but the emotions just swallow me whole.

No matter how great the internet is... it's going to destroy so many relationships and marriages.

northernbadger7 said:I’ve been in a relationship with someone just like you, OP. It was an experience I swore I would never go through again. Don't let him reach a breaking point where he makes that same vow. Either seek professional help or walk away—do it for his own sake. Personally, I'm leaning toward the latter because I'm not sure there's any other way out. I honestly don't believe even the best therapists could fix this kind of situation.

This should have been handled from the jump, but everyone starts from a different place. Take Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder for example.

A quick search online turned up this:

Obsessions are mental events involving intrusive thoughts, feelings, or ideas, while compulsions involve behaviors where repetitive actions—like counting, checking, or avoiding—feel impossible to control. With OCD, a person might deal with obsessions, compulsions, or both at the same time.

Here's the link: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/symptoms-causes/doc-20355924

Books could have solved this, but they aren't exactly light reading. You need a megaphone for this one.

Nancy Lee84 said:you're being rational. your jealousy has roots. it isn't baseless. there's a reason or several.
claiming jealousy is just an expression of insecurity is ridiculous and shows a total lack of understanding of the human psyche. people love to label things they haven't actually thought through.

Jealousy is totally natural, basically an evolutionary leftover that serves a purpose in keeping a partner, so it has its own adaptive value.
and importantly, nobody is immune to it. there's no such thing as a perfectly self-sufficient human being, except maybe those monks in India who chose the sun or a bed with a cobra as their partner.

what I managed to read from your text is a lack of trust in your partner, which is most likely the result of a breakdown in communication and dishonesty from both you and him. you, because you aren't telling him what you're feeling, and him, because he acts from a position of power and gets satisfaction from it—which doesn't help you much. he's flexing his power and keeping you submissive. because you said yourself that he "catches on." well, if he catches on, he should probably be more intuitive toward the person he's in what's called the deepest kind of relationship with. and instead of thinking about his actions, your actions are screaming distrust.

things will settle themselves out simply, and according to the words of great Fyodor Dostoevsky: either jealousy will kill love, or love will kill jealousy.

not sure if I need to explain that last quote? 🙂

p.s. this is actually a bit of a tribute to all jealous people, myself included.

Exactly. That’s the heart of it right there. Total breakdown in communication and zero honesty. And yeah, it’s not "helping" me at all—it’s non-existent. He acts like it’s some big joke, and maybe he even enjoys it. The only thing I can't gauge is how hard this jealousy hits me before I finally snap out of it. Like, I see some random guy liking a photo on Instagram that crosses the line for me, and boom—my head starts burning, my heart is racing, and my mind goes straight to the gutter. In my head, they're already grabbing coffee, hooking up, the whole nine yards—all behind my back. I get so blinded by rage I just want to yell at him or kick his ass. It's a total blackout. Then I try to chill, take deep breaths, put the phone away... eventually, the initial madness fades, but the day is totally trashed. I'm left feeling wired, anxious, and stuck in this loop of intrusive thoughts. I can't focus on anything else. Things might feel slightly better the next day, until the next trigger hits. It’s a nightmare. I know it’s a nightmare and I know it’s not healthy, but I have no clue how to make it stop.

Aaron Ruiz22 said:I’m checking in because I’m dealing with the exact same thing.
I recognize this part of my personality, and frankly, I hate it; it just wrecks the harmony between me and my partner. Objectively speaking, I know my strengths and weaknesses, and this specific brand of jealousy is undeniably my biggest flaw.
I haven't quite figured out how to manage it yet.
The author seems to have more control over it than I do, mostly because I can't actually hide how I feel. Even when I try to sweep it under the rug, it just resurfaces with much more intensity. It’s honestly embarrassing.
For instance, I'll decide to go a few days without checking up on his best friend—a married woman with kids living halfway across the country whom he hasn't seen in years—only to cave and see that she liked one of his photos. It completely destroys me. I realize how irrational it all is, but the emotions just swallow me whole.

Same here. I know what I'm feeling isn't normal and it's totally insane, but once it catches me, there's no letting go. It's just this sudden, uncontrollable wave of thoughts and feelings. It's a total nightmare.

feralotter8 said:Exactly. That’s the heart of it right there. Total breakdown in communication and zero honesty. And yeah, it’s not "helping" me at all—it’s non-existent. He acts like it’s some big joke, and maybe he even enjoys it. The only thing I can't gauge is how hard this jealousy hits me before I finally snap out of it. Like, I see some random guy liking a photo on Instagram that crosses the line for me, and boom—my head starts burning, my heart is racing, and my mind goes straight to the gutter. In my head, they're already grabbing coffee, hooking up, the whole nine yards—all behind my back. I get so blinded by rage I just want to yell at him or kick his ass. It's a total blackout. Then I try to chill, take deep breaths, put the phone away... eventually, the initial madness fades, but the day is totally trashed. I'm left feeling wired, anxious, and stuck in this loop of intrusive thoughts. I can't focus on anything else. Things might feel slightly better the next day, until the next trigger hits. It’s a nightmare. I know it’s a nightmare and I know it’s not healthy, but I have no clue how to make it stop.

Don't just brush off what was actually said here— it's a case of both sides failing to communicate and being dishonest. Both sides.

Have you thought about seeing a therapist or getting some professional help?

Honestly, all that jealousy? It really just boils down to pure insecurity.
I mean, look, you don't actually "own" him; he’s a free agent who can choose to cheat whenever he wants, plain and simple.
Once you finally stop playing out these wild, imaginary scenarios in your head and just start living in the moment, things are going to feel so much better, I promise.
Just trust him—seriously, until he actually gives you a real reason to stop trusting him, why sweat it?
That self-inflicted anxiety is way easier to shake off than people make it out to be...

And honestly, you don't even need some fancy "professional help" or anything, because jealousy isn't some clinical mental illness—it's just a lack of confidence and a bit of weakness.

With some professional guidance, people can actually dig up the root causes of their insecurities and weaknesses, figure out how to fight back, and pick up the mental tools they need to stay sane.

It’s not just for people dealing with serious mental illness who go see a psychologist. You also have to understand there's a huge difference between seeing a psychologist versus a psychiatrist.

William Hall61 said:With some professional guidance, people can actually dig up the root causes of their insecurities and weaknesses, figure out how to fight back, and pick up the mental tools they need to stay sane.

It’s not just for people dealing with serious mental illness who go see a psychologist. You also have to understand there's a huge difference between seeing a psychologist versus a psychiatrist.

That sounds great on paper.
But honestly? In the real world, most people just walk out of the office feeling $100 even more drained than before, and they end up just taking the same advice I could give them for free anyway.
But hey, I guess we're totally veering off topic here, right?

Given how she reacted to everything else—only jumping in when someone suggested he shared some of the blame instead of actually addressing any questions aimed directly at her—I really doubt we can do anything to help her.