Idealizing someone

Do you ever find yourself idealizing strangers you pass on the street, at work, or even just grabbing coffee? I mean, specifically those people you think you could actually fall for if things were different. Maybe it's just me, I guess.

I guess I do this all the time. I see someone attractive and immediately start building this whole perfect version of them in my head—their looks, their personality, everything. It’s totally irrational since I haven't even talked to them yet. Then, by some weird twist of fate, we actually meet. But the more we talk, the faster that fantasy falls apart. Once the real person shows up, the spark just dies. I end up losing interest so fast I can't even care about the physical stuff that caught my eye in the first place.

I didn't want to dump this on Facebook, so I figured I'd post it here instead... just curious to see what psychology says about it? :P

There’s this occasional sensation, I suppose, where one might find themselves romanticizing a prostitute while their wallet slowly drains dry.
The idealist indulges in perfection, whereas the realist simply doesn't. It seems to me that just as idealization attempts to supplement reality, it inevitably ends up creating a deficit.
Take myself, for instance—a young, somewhat overambitious atheist, much like Raskolnikov, paired with her, a young Christian soul playing the part of a sacrificial sex worker, akin to Sophia Marmeladov... That’s essentially how I squander my money. She doesn't know—God help her—the Gospel according to John... the axe, the narrow openings... the grit. There is Raskol, the split, followed by a sort of necrophilia serving as a dark counterpoint to Christian disillusionment. Can one truly feel anything if they lack understanding? Or perhaps, can feeling even exist if the intellect isn't present to anchor it?
Sometimes, I think, idealizing another person is merely an act of idealizing oneself through the lens of someone else. It feels like a selfish indulgence of one's own desires, projecting them onto unknown and unreachable entities—perhaps the frustration of failing to realize those desires is just a heavy dose of vanity and narcissism?

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Laura Jones56 said:There’s this occasional sensation, I suppose, where one might find themselves romanticizing a prostitute while their wallet slowly drains dry.
The idealist indulges in perfection, whereas the realist simply doesn't. It seems to me that just as idealization attempts to supplement reality, it inevitably ends up creating a deficit.
Take myself, for instance—a young, somewhat overambitious atheist, much like Raskolnikov, paired with her, a young Christian soul playing the part of a sacrificial sex worker, akin to Sophia Marmeladov... That’s essentially how I squander my money. She doesn't know—God help her—the Gospel according to John... the axe, the narrow openings... the grit. There is Raskol, the split, followed by a sort of necrophilia serving as a dark counterpoint to Christian disillusionment. Can one truly feel anything if they lack understanding? Or perhaps, can feeling even exist if the intellect isn't present to anchor it?
Sometimes, I think, idealizing another person is merely an act of idealizing oneself through the lens of someone else. It feels like a selfish indulgence of one's own desires, projecting them onto unknown and unreachable entities—perhaps the frustration of failing to realize those desires is just a heavy dose of vanity and narcissism?

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Or maybe it's just self-criticism, or some loud-ass public announcement about what we want—stuff we clearly can't have or reach ourselves. Maybe there's this weird, mystical idea of "uniting" with someone, or treating a person like an object just to feed our own frustrations. You try to "own" that person for a second, then inevitably get disappointed, which is honestly just a way to kill the desire in the first place. Everything and everyone is just there to serve us. Without us, they don't even exist...

Once things have been going on for a while—I'm talking a year or more—that's when you actually fall in love.

Do I really need to point out that people are just projecting here? (That's just how a man functions)

You’ll eventually find reflections of yourself in others, just as they carry little pieces of you within them. But before all that, you really need to get to know yourself first.

It’s all just pure idealization, starting from that very first moment you open your eyes and see your sweet mother through an objective lens, right down to the point where you start putting together those little DIY gifts for Mother's Day...
It’s even more intense in romantic relationships—that moment you catch a glimpse of a dazzling smile or notice a particularly impressive silhouette under their clothes. Sometimes this rose-colored glasses phase lasts twenty years into a marriage, and sometimes it ends abruptly while you're washing your hands in some local diner restroom...

The real question is: why do we do it?
Not that I actually expect anyone here to come up with any real answers 😁

Anyway, I'm sure ironrider11 will jump in to lecture us on the semantic philosophy of psychology, acting like anyone besides himself actually finds that stuff interesting 😍

Facts. The real question is why we bother with idealization in the first place. It’s usually just us staring at some monster in the mirror... if it isn't a total monster, then it's pure idealization. Or maybe it's just someone who constantly falls into that trap—basically a victim of those impossible standards society shoves down our throats. They can't meet the bar, so they just retreat into defensiveness, whether it's a quick snap or a long-term thing... one end of the spectrum or the other.

graniteseal50 said:Do you ever find yourself idealizing strangers you pass on the street, at work, or even just grabbing coffee? I mean, specifically those people you think you could actually fall for if things were different. Maybe it's just me, I guess.

I guess I do this all the time. I see someone attractive and immediately start building this whole perfect version of them in my head—their looks, their personality, everything. It’s totally irrational since I haven't even talked to them yet. Then, by some weird twist of fate, we actually meet. But the more we talk, the faster that fantasy falls apart. Once the real person shows up, the spark just dies. I end up losing interest so fast I can't even care about the physical stuff that caught my eye in the first place.

I didn't want to dump this on Facebook, so I figured I'd post it here instead... just curious to see what psychology says about it? :P

Projecting traits based on someone's perceived vibe (hero vs. villain, etc.) combined with your own headspace is pretty standard stuff before you hit emotional maturity. Basically, those internal processes run on autopilot, creating a mental image driven entirely by your biases—you know, hormones doing their thing > pink unicorns.

The more emotionally mature you get, the more rational your judgment becomes, and your mental picture actually starts lining up with reality.

ironrider11 said:Or maybe it's just self-criticism, or some loud-ass public announcement about what we want—stuff we clearly can't have or reach ourselves. Maybe there's this weird, mystical idea of "uniting" with someone, or treating a person like an object just to feed our own frustrations. You try to "own" that person for a second, then inevitably get disappointed, which is honestly just a way to kill the desire in the first place. Everything and everyone is just there to serve us. Without us, they don't even exist...

Perhaps.

Brian Gray5 said:It’s all just pure idealization, starting from that very first moment you open your eyes and see your sweet mother through an objective lens, right down to the point where you start putting together those little DIY gifts for Mother's Day...
It’s even more intense in romantic relationships—that moment you catch a glimpse of a dazzling smile or notice a particularly impressive silhouette under their clothes. Sometimes this rose-colored glasses phase lasts twenty years into a marriage, and sometimes it ends abruptly while you're washing your hands in some local diner restroom...

The real question is: why do we do it?
Not that I actually expect anyone here to come up with any real answers 😁

Anyway, I'm sure ironrider11 will jump in to lecture us on the semantic philosophy of psychology, acting like anyone besides himself actually finds that stuff interesting 😍

Why do we idealize on this specific, more receptive level, such as the idealization of a person? Or why do we idealize at all—where does the world of ideas even come from? How does sensory stimulation translate into thought, and then into consciousness or self-consciousness?
The idea of idealization is itself an idealization. It’s the representation of the representation of a representation. Is it an objective representation of a collective or individual perception? Not quite. A subjective idea, nothing more? Solipsism? Am I the only one who exists because I meet certain parameters of existence, this, that, and the other? And they don't exist because... they aren't me? Strange. Existence as a formless idea? Does logic, or 2+2=4, even hold up? Is the premise 'non-existent'? Is it always an informal logical fallacy? Does nothing exist? Nihilism? It doesn't much matter; we still walk, eat, and fuck... regardless of whether existence is dark or not. Idealization or not. I notice things—a bulge in the crotch or, in my case, a 'w' shape between the legs... enough, because of the Holy Water and the erection, a physiological reaction, right?—so, therefore, I am. Semantics, philosophy, psychology... evolutionary or otherwise, it’s all just a bit of a joke. I suppose.

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And just like that, the long haul is over.

Elizabeth Taylor3 said:And just like that, the long haul is over.

I suppose nobody can stomach this much bullshit at once.
Then again, maybe I can... ha ha ha.

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Laura Jones56 said:Perhaps.

Why do we idealize on this specific, more receptive level, such as the idealization of a person? Or why do we idealize at all—where does the world of ideas even come from? How does sensory stimulation translate into thought, and then into consciousness or self-consciousness?
The idea of idealization is itself an idealization. It’s the representation of the representation of a representation. Is it an objective representation of a collective or individual perception? Not quite. A subjective idea, nothing more? Solipsism? Am I the only one who exists because I meet certain parameters of existence, this, that, and the other? And they don't exist because... they aren't me? Strange. Existence as a formless idea? Does logic, or 2+2=4, even hold up? Is the premise 'non-existent'? Is it always an informal logical fallacy? Does nothing exist? Nihilism? It doesn't much matter; we still walk, eat, and fuck... regardless of whether existence is dark or not. Idealization or not. I notice things—a bulge in the crotch or, in my case, a 'w' shape between the legs... enough, because of the Holy Water and the erection, a physiological reaction, right?—so, therefore, I am. Semantics, philosophy, psychology... evolutionary or otherwise, it’s all just a bit of a joke. I suppose.

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Digital evolution. We go from simple binary yes-or-no stuff to these messy floating-point approximations where you try to round off the gray areas... but does that gray even belong in a "yes" or "no," black or white? It’s all just quantum mode, "higher or lower," nothing's clear. Just endless calculations. Or maybe everything is just one big calculation of existence itself—some kind of solipsism where nothing is certain, yet things seem to exist somehow... out of nothingness. But nothing is actually anything. It doesn't matter. It's just perceived reality manifesting, or everything dissolving into zero. A reaction to a stimulus. Or no reaction at all. No stimulus, no... Everything into nothing. Maybe.

ironrider11 said:Digital evolution. We go from simple binary yes-or-no stuff to these messy floating-point approximations where you try to round off the gray areas... but does that gray even belong in a "yes" or "no," black or white? It’s all just quantum mode, "higher or lower," nothing's clear. Just endless calculations. Or maybe everything is just one big calculation of existence itself—some kind of solipsism where nothing is certain, yet things seem to exist somehow... out of nothingness. But nothing is actually anything. It doesn't matter. It's just perceived reality manifesting, or everything dissolving into zero. A reaction to a stimulus. Or no reaction at all. No stimulus, no... Everything into nothing. Maybe.

Everything and nothing all at once. A free interpretation, if you want one. Just a passing thought.

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Laura Jones56 said:Everything and nothing all at once. A free interpretation, if you want one. Just a passing thought.

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Everything and nothing all at once, outside of time... just an idealized version of simply existing.

Never—I don't see why I would ever do that. I'm not stupid, you know? I get why I'm attracted to certain things, and trust me, blood flow to the... well, let's just say it has nothing to do with someone's actual personality. I don't see any logical basis for building a whole profile of someone's character just because they're visually appealing. Honestly, I have no clue why you're feeling that way.

ironrider11 said:Facts. The real question is why we bother with idealization in the first place. It’s usually just us staring at some monster in the mirror... if it isn't a total monster, then it's pure idealization. Or maybe it's just someone who constantly falls into that trap—basically a victim of those impossible standards society shoves down our throats. They can't meet the bar, so they just retreat into defensiveness, whether it's a quick snap or a long-term thing... one end of the spectrum or the other.

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Thanks for the link. I'll check out the post when I get a chance.
I think it might take me a while to really wrap my head around what everyone else was getting at with their comments. ☕

graniteseal50 said:Do you ever find yourself idealizing strangers you pass on the street, at work, or even just grabbing coffee? I mean, specifically those people you think you could actually fall for if things were different. Maybe it's just me, I guess.

I guess I do this all the time. I see someone attractive and immediately start building this whole perfect version of them in my head—their looks, their personality, everything. It’s totally irrational since I haven't even talked to them yet. Then, by some weird twist of fate, we actually meet. But the more we talk, the faster that fantasy falls apart. Once the real person shows up, the spark just dies. I end up losing interest so fast I can't even care about the physical stuff that caught my eye in the first place.

I didn't want to dump this on Facebook, so I figured I'd post it here instead... just curious to see what psychology says about it? :P

I used to be like that. I’d idealize everyone, open up way too fast, love hard, stay honest, and never play any games. Nowadays, I'm smarter about it, but also lonelier. That’s just the price you pay for being careful. Unfortunately, that's just how it goes. Maybe I'll change one day...

wearyeagle10 said:I used to be like that. I’d idealize everyone, open up way too fast, love hard, stay honest, and never play any games. Nowadays, I'm smarter about it, but also lonelier. That’s just the price you pay for being careful. Unfortunately, that's just how it goes. Maybe I'll change one day...

I actually went through the exact same thing, and I've been trying out that same "fix" you mentioned... but I have to admit, I'm not totally happy with it. There's gotta be some kind of balance somewhere, right?

Dana Davis5 said:I actually went through the exact same thing, and I've been trying out that same "fix" you mentioned... but I have to admit, I'm not totally happy with it. There's gotta be some kind of balance somewhere, right?

You've gotta play it smart and stay cautious. But honestly? I can't do the whole calculating thing. It's just not me. I follow my gut, play fair, and act right. That's who I am, and I'll die that way—just maybe a little more careful than before.

graniteseal50 said:Do you ever find yourself idealizing strangers you pass on the street, at work, or even just grabbing coffee? I mean, specifically those people you think you could actually fall for if things were different. Maybe it's just me, I guess.

I guess I do this all the time. I see someone attractive and immediately start building this whole perfect version of them in my head—their looks, their personality, everything. It’s totally irrational since I haven't even talked to them yet. Then, by some weird twist of fate, we actually meet. But the more we talk, the faster that fantasy falls apart. Once the real person shows up, the spark just dies. I end up losing interest so fast I can't even care about the physical stuff that caught my eye in the first place.

I didn't want to dump this on Facebook, so I figured I'd post it here instead... just curious to see what psychology says about it? :P

When you're daydreaming about them, do you include yourself in the picture? Like, are you picturing the white picket fence and the whole happy ending?