Navigating relationships and communication when your partner is sick

Hey everyone... just checking in.
I’ve got something weighing on me and I really need to hear what you all think about this.
My fiancée and I—we have a good relationship, we get along fine.
But she’s dealing with Ankylosing Spondylitis, and it’s in a progressive stage right now
which messes with everything—her appetite, her energy, and just constant, relentless pain.
She started taking Eliza, which has actually helped quite a bit and definitely lifted her mood.
The problem is, compared to the disease, she’s completely lost any desire for physical intimacy—even the small stuff, like just a regular hug or being close.
She tends to withdraw... when the pain hits, she just shuts down and pulls away from everything. When she's feeling better, the communication is great, but there's zero physical connection. Those little things, like saying "I love you" or knowing someone truly cares, mean the world to me—especially since I try so hard to be her rock through all of this. She sees it, she appreciates it, but that closeness? It's basically gone.

I keep telling myself that because of the illness and how much it limits her, it's probably the main reason her drive has tanked. But it's been going on for a long time now... even on those days where the symptoms stabilize a bit, that spark, that need for physical closeness, just isn't coming back.
Am I just overthinking this and driving myself crazy with questions, or is there a real reason for me to feel this way?? Tell me what you think.
To be honest, this is one of the biggest reasons I'm struggling too—my own moods are all over the place because of it. I just have these endless question marks spinning in my head and I can't find any answers...
She avoids talking about it entirely, so getting any kind of real response from her is almost impossible. Thanks.

How long have you been on Eliza?

I was acting all weird and distant with my husband for a few months. Apparently, an antidepressant can actually help get your libido back on track.

Alexander Brooks4 said:How long have you been on Eliza?

I was acting all weird and distant with my husband for a few months. Apparently, an antidepressant can actually help get your libido back on track.

The only antidepressant that won't kill your drive is Wellbutrin XL; the others usually tank it. At least, that’s what the doctors tell you.

Harold Perez2, don't think your questions are pointless. They aren't. Not at all. This kind of situation—where her emotional intimacy and physical state are both hitting a wall—is bound to leave a mark on your relationship.

Now, Eliza might be the cause, or she might not, but you absolutely need to talk to the doctor who prescribed it. Your partner is dealing with some seriously brutal physical issues; I doubt she’s finding it easy to function through any of this.

Is there anything else she can do to manage? Maybe some physical therapy to strengthen those back muscles, massages, swimming, or other ways to dull the pain that don't involve just pills? I know there are dedicated pain management clinics out there; she should probably look into one when the chronic pain flares up (assuming it's unpredictable).

Regardless, this silence between you two and your own frustration isn't healthy. Look, I get it—she’s struggling. But I don't think she should shut you out entirely, nor should you just retreat and play the martyr because her physical pain is overwhelming. You need tact, patience, and empathy, sure, but you also have to actually talk about things.
Communication is everything in a relationship, especially when things go south and problems start piling up.

Thanks to everyone for the input. Honestly, I’ve got plenty of patience—I’m all about communication and actually digging into the root of things. I have never once pulled away from her or neglected her, no matter what. Look, I get it—living with chronic pain, dealing with this kind of condition, and being on various meds... it changes a person. I totally wrap my head around that. But it’s not even about the physical side of our relationship for me; it’s just about her realizing that I am 100% in her corner through every single thing she goes through. I want to be that person who is always there. I understand how much this affects her, but the answer should be openness—just showing someone, in some way, that you actually care and aren't just spinning your wheels. Because of her condition, she’s pushed me away so many times, even while I was busy proving over and over how much she means to me. And then, when life throws an extra curveball on top of everything else, you end up hearing someone say they regret ever getting involved with you in the first place. Then, after a while, they somehow make you feel like a complete idiot for having questions or wondering what the hell is going on... and you're left feeling this deep, depressive void, thinking maybe everything will just vanish tomorrow and there wasn't even a real reason for any of it. That’s why I wanted to know if anyone else has gone through this—if all this behavior can stem from their health issues or the side effects of medications that mess with your mood and trigger depression.

Honestly, Eliza is the one who actually made things better—I mean, Tramal is just one pill that absolutely wrecks your system, and there isn't really any other way to describe that kind of pain. I’m not the type to back down, but even I started taking half a dose of Eliza because my thoughts... they were starting to spiral. Between everything from the past and what's happening now, things were crossing a line into territory that feels impossible to escape from. I know my depression is tied to it too—how every little thing she does can trigger an emotional reaction or cause me to spin these stories in my head that probably don't even make sense... But still, I don't retreat. It's just that my mood completely tanks, and I find myself hoping—just wishing—that she'll give me a hug or ask what's wrong, but most of the time, that doesn't happen. Like I said, I understand the illness and I know all this is a result of it, but I feel like I'm starting to slip... sinking into my own head, and I'm terrified I'll hit a point of no return. And yet, all I want is to help her—to make her see that we're a family, and that nobody should ever feel like they have to be "better" than their own family, especially when we've proven time and again that we're right here by your side.

Maybe she just holds herself to these impossible standards as a partner, and because she can't meet them, she ends up feeling terrible about not being better. I guess that could be why she's pulling away.

Harold Perez2 said:Honestly, Eliza is the one who actually made things better—I mean, Tramal is just one pill that absolutely wrecks your system, and there isn't really any other way to describe that kind of pain. I’m not the type to back down, but even I started taking half a dose of Eliza because my thoughts... they were starting to spiral. Between everything from the past and what's happening now, things were crossing a line into territory that feels impossible to escape from. I know my depression is tied to it too—how every little thing she does can trigger an emotional reaction or cause me to spin these stories in my head that probably don't even make sense... But still, I don't retreat. It's just that my mood completely tanks, and I find myself hoping—just wishing—that she'll give me a hug or ask what's wrong, but most of the time, that doesn't happen. Like I said, I understand the illness and I know all this is a result of it, but I feel like I'm starting to slip... sinking into my own head, and I'm terrified I'll hit a point of no return. And yet, all I want is to help her—to make her see that we're a family, and that nobody should ever feel like they have to be "better" than their own family, especially when we've proven time and again that we're right here by your side.

Tramadol is an opioid analgesic, whereas Alice is an antidepressant. They aren't even in the same ballpark. Sadly, there just aren't many options for severe pain today besides opioids. Maybe medical cannabis would help? I'm actually looking into that myself. Cannabis-based products don't cause addiction, and you don't have to deal with all those side effects like constipation, nausea, dry mouth, or sweating.

If smoking wasn't my issue, I'd honestly rather be rolling joints all day than popping pills. Tramadol is pure evil. That’s exactly why I’m hunting for that oil.