Victim of fate

So, I’ve got about a two-hour window before my next big thing—signing a contract for a new job—so I figured I’d start a new thread here.
Sadly, this is going to be yet another one of those posts centered on depression, failures, loneliness, and just general misery.
I’m officially thirty years old now, yet I can't find a single positive thing to hold onto in my life.
I'll admit, I'm writing this with quite a few tears in my eyes.
I honestly wish I didn't have to put all of this into words, but I'm writing because I don't see any other way to get it out.
My depression and my health issues in general have basically dismantled my entire life.
I know I really need psychotherapy, but it's just not something I can afford right now.
A lot of people try to give me advice along the lines of "stop feeling sorry for yourself," "just snap out of it," or "you're still young."
But even those people eventually give up on me, leaving me feeling incredibly lonely most of the time.
If this job doesn't work out, I'm looking at being completely unable to work.
I think if that happens, I might actually reach my breaking point.
I could see myself just jumping from the 13th floor of some apartment building in the middle of the night.
I've heard stories about people living perfectly normal lives with schizophrenia, but those feel like rare exceptions; for most people, the reality is the exact opposite, and mine is no different.
My mother has been retired since she was 35, having built her entire existence around me, especially after she divorced my father (she was 27, and I was only 3).
Even if I manage to find a relationship, it’ll likely be short-lived because of my illness and my own fragile, broken character.
I realize I've probably rambled through everything, but I just didn't know how else to express this sense of utter despair.

What kind of work are we talking about here?

Is this your first gig, or have you been around the block a few times?

neonsailor26 said:What kind of work are we talking about here?

Is this your first gig, or have you been around the block a few times?

It’s just pushing carts at a local shopping mall. It should be my first permanent position. I actually have quite a bit of experience under my belt, though most of it was just various part-time student gigs...
The benefits include being first on the hiring list, plus health and retirement coverage. I did spend about a year working at one place, but that was all under a temporary student contract.

Could someone please lock or just delete this thread? Honestly, I’m cringing at the title and everything else I wrote here. Thanks!

Harold Anderson3 said:Could someone please lock or just delete this thread? Honestly, I’m cringing at the title and everything else I wrote here. Thanks!

Harold Anderson3, please don't do anything drastic. Taking your own life would—I guess you could say—only end up hurting yourself and everyone around you, including us here. We're all just dealing with our own fates, I suppose. I couldn't tell Amon to stop because I had no idea he was even going to do it, but now... I'm telling you.

Jason Kim6 said:Harold Anderson3, please don't do anything drastic. Taking your own life would—I guess you could say—only end up hurting yourself and everyone around you, including us here. We're all just dealing with our own fates, I suppose. I couldn't tell Amon to stop because I had no idea he was even going to do it, but now... I'm telling you.

Wait, who is Amon?

Jason Kim6 said:Harold Anderson3, please don't do anything drastic. Taking your own life would—I guess you could say—only end up hurting yourself and everyone around you, including us here. We're all just dealing with our own fates, I suppose. I couldn't tell Amon to stop because I had no idea he was even going to do it, but now... I'm telling you.

I really appreciate that, truly, but I'm not going to hurt myself; I just tend to go through these brief but incredibly intense bouts of depression. Looking back at what I wrote this morning, I can hardly believe it was me, which is why I was asking to have the thread locked.

neonsailor26 said:Wait, who is Amon?

He was a dear friend of mine who passed away. I've actually written about him before.

neonsailor26 said:Wait, who is Amon?

He was a mutual friend of ours who passed away by suicide about a year ago. 🕺

This stuff is heavy. A girl I knew only in passing also took her own life around that same time. I didn't even find out until it happened by accident. I actually still have a photo of her somewhere; she looks absolutely beautiful in it, like she was actually going to make it after all. 😢

Harold Anderson3 said:Could someone please lock or just delete this thread? Honestly, I’m cringing at the title and everything else I wrote here. Thanks!

Hey Harold, how'd that contract signing go?

Peter Murphy6 said:Hey Harold, how'd that contract signing go?

I actually need to sort out my residency paperwork in Washington, D.C. before I can get to that, but other than that, everything should be smooth sailing.

Honestly, I was feeling so incredibly overwhelmed this morning that right after I started this thread, I actually headed toward the hospital thinking I might need to be admitted. On my way there, though, I decided to pull over for a quick coffee, and after sitting in the cafe for about an hour, my perspective shifted and my mood improved quite a bit. To top it all off, an old friend reached out to me out of the blue, which was such a lovely surprise. I’m feeling much more like myself now.

Harold Anderson3 said:I actually need to sort out my residency paperwork in Washington, D.C. before I can get to that, but other than that, everything should be smooth sailing.

Honestly, I was feeling so incredibly overwhelmed this morning that right after I started this thread, I actually headed toward the hospital thinking I might need to be admitted. On my way there, though, I decided to pull over for a quick coffee, and after sitting in the cafe for about an hour, my perspective shifted and my mood improved quite a bit. To top it all off, an old friend reached out to me out of the blue, which was such a lovely surprise. I’m feeling much more like myself now.

So, what you're saying is—you totally vented all that stress this morning because of the job hunt, then just sat down, chilled out, processed things, and somehow even found a silver lining despite everything you wrote here?

Don't beat yourself up about it—what you were feeling makes total sense 🙂

Glad to hear things are looking up 👍

Is the residency stuff going to be a headache?

I totally get where you're coming from. Dealing with all that endless red tape and bureaucracy honestly drags me down into a funk, too. 😁

Peter Murphy6 said:So, what you're saying is—you totally vented all that stress this morning because of the job hunt, then just sat down, chilled out, processed things, and somehow even found a silver lining despite everything you wrote here?

Don't beat yourself up about it—what you were feeling makes total sense 🙂

Glad to hear things are looking up 👍

Is the residency stuff going to be a headache?

After getting let go from two jobs in just ten days (though I technically walked away myself, even if I hadn't, I would have been fired), I honestly sensed the termination coming even before I had signed the contract.

I don't think there will be any trouble with my residency, since I have an address where I'm living in Washington, D.C., I just haven't officially registered yet.

@Joseph Bailey41, I really appreciate you being able to put yourself in my shoes and understand what I'm going through right now. 😛 🤣

Harold Anderson3 said:I actually need to sort out my residency paperwork in Washington, D.C. before I can get to that, but other than that, everything should be smooth sailing.

Honestly, I was feeling so incredibly overwhelmed this morning that right after I started this thread, I actually headed toward the hospital thinking I might need to be admitted. On my way there, though, I decided to pull over for a quick coffee, and after sitting in the cafe for about an hour, my perspective shifted and my mood improved quite a bit. To top it all off, an old friend reached out to me out of the blue, which was such a lovely surprise. I’m feeling much more like myself now.

👍

I am so glad to hear that! 🙂 Getting work lined up and hearing from a dear friend—those are two major wins.

It’s all going to work out. 🙂 Whenever I find myself sinking into a deep, heavy rut, I just tell myself one thing... this too shall pass.

And it does pass. It always passes. Knowing that there is an end in sight makes the weight much easier to carry. That's how it works. 😁

Hang in there!

e, I was just thinking—maybe you should make your fate serve you, rather than letting your fate be the thing that breaks you. Someone once told me we’re all victims of life in our own way, I guess.

Jason Kim6 said:e, I was just thinking—maybe you should make your fate serve you, rather than letting your fate be the thing that breaks you. Someone once told me we’re all victims of life in our own way, I guess.

That’s not a bad way to look at it, though I personally feel like you should sit down and try to negotiate with fate a little bit. 🙂

Harold Anderson3 said:I actually need to sort out my residency paperwork in Washington, D.C. before I can get to that, but other than that, everything should be smooth sailing.

Honestly, I was feeling so incredibly overwhelmed this morning that right after I started this thread, I actually headed toward the hospital thinking I might need to be admitted. On my way there, though, I decided to pull over for a quick coffee, and after sitting in the cafe for about an hour, my perspective shifted and my mood improved quite a bit. To top it all off, an old friend reached out to me out of the blue, which was such a lovely surprise. I’m feeling much more like myself now.

It’s the exact same cycle for me; I wake up feeling utterly hopeless, feel okay by the afternoon, and then by nightfall, the despair crawls back in along with those thoughts of just ending it all. Mind you, I don't deal with schizophrenia, which I know plays a massive role in how this manifests...

Jason Kim6 said:e, I was just thinking—maybe you should make your fate serve you, rather than letting your fate be the thing that breaks you. Someone once told me we’re all victims of life in our own way, I guess.

I'm not sure I follow???

Perhaps my outlook is just too fatalistic—maybe that's why I can't quite wrap my head around this? Personally, I believe everyone has their own path, and that path is set in stone...