Mom left and the whole family is falling apart

Nicole Booth25 said:Dammit
I deal with this dynamic with my brother from time to time
Essentially, he drags me right into his mess through both his words and his body language
And before I know it, I find myself feeling this strange, sudden surge of aggression bubbling up inside me.

Honestly, the only way you’re gonna get past this is by completely tuning out your brother's nonsense.
There are tons of people out there acting exactly like this nowadays. They basically want to drag everyone else down into the gutter with them just because they're struggling. Your absolute best bet? Just IGNORE them.

Cut contact.

I once thought I was the only one holding everything together, convinced she’d spiral if I walked away.

She didn't end up taking her life; instead, she just spends her time badmouthing me to the neighbors.

If you break things off, expect her to play the victim with everyone on the block—that’s a statistical certainty at this point.

Let her take her grievances to a therapist or a family doctor. You aren't a mental health professional, and you certainly don't owe her your life.

When he says, "If you won't listen, who will?" tell him to find a psychiatrist while you go get a manicure. When he starts yelling, tell him you have a massage appointment.

It’s all noise. He isn't considering your feelings; he’ll spin this same tragic tale to anyone from the lady at the deli to the neighbor in the elevator.
Presebican is far too self-important to actually follow through on something like that. It won't happen. He thinks the world revolves around him too much.
His failing marriage is his own cross to bear.
☕

Megan Flores6 said:Hey everyone,

I’m 25, living my own life and working my own job here in the States, but I find myself driving back to my hometown almost every weekend. My dad lives there, and since my mom walked out on him this past summer, things have gone south fast. My dad was never really the "warm and fuzzy" type, but he always showed love for my sisters and me—especially me, being the youngest. Since my older sisters are married and settled with their own families now, I’ve basically become his only lifeline. I’ve always been closer to him than to my mother, and we used to talk every single day. But ever since she left, he calls me multiple times a day just to drain me with his endless venting and wild conspiracy theories. He’s convinced the whole world is out to get him, and he constantly accuses me of being my mother's "little spy." There are times when he gets under my skin so deeply that I lose control—I end up screaming and throwing things around the room. Then, predictably, he’ll apologize and promise it won't happen again, but we both know that’s a lie. To put it bluntly, it’s emotional abuse. I’m at a total loss because nothing I’ve tried seems to change the dynamic. Honestly, with everything going on in my family, I feel completely drained of any will to live; I just want to disappear. I even told him that. Today is Friday, and we had another blowout the second I stepped through the front door. Part of me knows I should probably stop coming home, but I’m paralyzed by the fear that something terrible might happen to him if I stay away.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this? I could really use some advice... thanks.

Are you looking out for yourself?
Who is going to look out for you?
An idiot who tells you he won't do it again, only to continue the psychological abuse.
Cut contact, I'm telling you. My own mother used the "I can say this to you because I'm your mother" excuse on me.
Well, you can't. You wouldn't walk up to a neighbor or your doctor and hurl insults at them; they aren't your audience. You can play those games with them, but I am not a trash can. Thanks for giving me life, but you will not mistreat me.☕

You have every right to go out with your boyfriend and live your life. You aren't his therapist, and he is hurting you. It's like casting pearls before swine.

Sean Cruz said:Jane Doe

It might be better for him, sure, but she's being poisoned by his baggage. She needs to realize she isn't obligated to act as his emotional dumping ground, regardless of the fact that he's her father. She's in a bad place herself, and she isn't a therapist. I don't think it's any better for him to take it out on her than it would be for him to hit the bar and become an alcoholic. There are other paths—like seeking professional help or reaching out to support groups—to figure out a way to actually help him.

Jane Doe
:

Based on what you wrote, I wouldn't label him a toxic person. It sounds more like someone who has lost their footing and is in deep pain. As hysterical and irrational as he seems right now, this phase will pass.

Or it won't, especially if he’s dealt with similar issues before—the kind of stuff that drives a spouse away.
In relation to her, he *is* being toxic, and she can't fix this alone because she's struggling too.

I agree with the rest of the sentiment. Nothing catastrophic is going to happen to him, and the fear that he'll suffer if she isn't constantly by his side shouldn't stop her from stepping back for a while to get herself sorted out.

By the way, I'm not saying empathy is a bad thing, but sometimes excessive empathy just turns a person into a punching bag.

Well, nobody here told her she had to be that emotional sponge, and I made sure to emphasize that to her myself!

I was only trying to offer a glimpse into his perspective, because don't you know that once you can actually understand someone, you tend to feel more empathy and less anger, which leaves you feeling so much less bitter?

It feels to me like everyone here has dealt with someone like this before, because why is everyone throwing stones at him? The guy is in the absolute worst kind of mess—his wife left him for someone else—and yet everyone here is just calling him a jerk, selfish, or toxic, assuming he was always this way and that's why she left.

To me, this feels like pure projection and it's not fair at all since we have no idea what the actual situation is like.
The author mentioned that they used to get along beautifully and were really close.

Oh, sure, let's all be sunshine and rainbows when things are going great, but the second something tragic happens and someone needs a little extra time to recover (I mean, hello, his wife left him over the summer—it hasn't even been six months!), we immediately run far away from this "toxic and selfish" person who supposedly doesn't care about anyone but himself.

And yeah, he might not be thinking of anyone else, but isn't it true that when you're completely unable to recover from trauma, you literally cannot think about anything else? He isn't doing it on purpose.

I don't know, I wouldn't want to have friends like that. Life happens to everyone, and we'll all find ourselves in a spot where we just can't go on and we need people to simply exist there for us without judgment.

Back when I went through a breakup with my "soulmate" a long time ago, my best friend would stay up talking to me all night long whenever I needed it—literally until 5 AM! I felt this desperate need to recount every tiny, insignificant detail of that relationship, and who knows how many hours we spent analyzing everything? I would have done the exact same for her. But hey, you choose your friends, you don't choose your family.

I'll say it again: it's too much for the author, and she really needs to distance herself from him. Plus, him being "on his own" isn't a bad thing and it won't stop him from getting better. Recovery just takes time, no matter what people say or do around him, whether they stay close or pull away—time is the only thing that matters for healing.

EDIT: Now that I think about it, my sister was just like that when I had that breakup; she basically shut me down immediately, telling me to get over it, realize it was just an experience, and move on—and if I couldn't, I should see a therapist. Even today, she tells me I obsessed way too much over that guy and the whole situation. And recently, when I was dealing with some heavy stuff at work and feeling pretty overwhelmed while trying to make big decisions, she just told me to deal with it, said I complain every single day, and suggested I just go grab coffee with someone to clear my head because she has her own problems and doesn't want to hear mine. So yeah, I totally agree—you aren't obligated to do anything for your family just because you were born into it.

Donna Doyle2 said:Well, nobody here told her she had to be that emotional sponge, and I made sure to emphasize that to her myself!

I was only trying to offer a glimpse into his perspective, because don't you know that once you can actually understand someone, you tend to feel more empathy and less anger, which leaves you feeling so much less bitter?

It feels to me like everyone here has dealt with someone like this before, because why is everyone throwing stones at him? The guy is in the absolute worst kind of mess—his wife left him for someone else—and yet everyone here is just calling him a jerk, selfish, or toxic, assuming he was always this way and that's why she left.

To me, this feels like pure projection and it's not fair at all since we have no idea what the actual situation is like.
The author mentioned that they used to get along beautifully and were really close.

Oh, sure, let's all be sunshine and rainbows when things are going great, but the second something tragic happens and someone needs a little extra time to recover (I mean, hello, his wife left him over the summer—it hasn't even been six months!), we immediately run far away from this "toxic and selfish" person who supposedly doesn't care about anyone but himself.

And yeah, he might not be thinking of anyone else, but isn't it true that when you're completely unable to recover from trauma, you literally cannot think about anything else? He isn't doing it on purpose.

I don't know, I wouldn't want to have friends like that. Life happens to everyone, and we'll all find ourselves in a spot where we just can't go on and we need people to simply exist there for us without judgment.

Back when I went through a breakup with my "soulmate" a long time ago, my best friend would stay up talking to me all night long whenever I needed it—literally until 5 AM! I felt this desperate need to recount every tiny, insignificant detail of that relationship, and who knows how many hours we spent analyzing everything? I would have done the exact same for her. But hey, you choose your friends, you don't choose your family.

I'll say it again: it's too much for the author, and she really needs to distance herself from him. Plus, him being "on his own" isn't a bad thing and it won't stop him from getting better. Recovery just takes time, no matter what people say or do around him, whether they stay close or pull away—time is the only thing that matters for healing.

EDIT: Now that I think about it, my sister was just like that when I had that breakup; she basically shut me down immediately, telling me to get over it, realize it was just an experience, and move on—and if I couldn't, I should see a therapist. Even today, she tells me I obsessed way too much over that guy and the whole situation. And recently, when I was dealing with some heavy stuff at work and feeling pretty overwhelmed while trying to make big decisions, she just told me to deal with it, said I complain every single day, and suggested I just go grab coffee with someone to clear my head because she has her own problems and doesn't want to hear mine. So yeah, I totally agree—you aren't obligated to do anything for your family just because you were born into it.

Honestly, this isn't even normal behavior; you basically drained your friend dry just by venting. How can you spend until 5:00 AM spinning your wheels and disrupting someone else's sleep and responsibilities? There has to be some level of decorum.

Your sister gave you some solid advice; she simply refused to entertain your constant complaining and left you to figure things out on your own. When your "difficult" sister cut you off, you just pivoted and started draining your friend instead. It’ll be the same deal with the author's father once he decides to distance himself—she'll just find someone else to lean on. If you're truly such an expert, why don't you try linking the author's situation to her father? Imagine spending every single day for the next year talking to him multiple times a day, sometimes even until 5:00 AM. I'm sure you'll stumble upon the perfect words and the ultimate solution to his problems then. What do you think?
I wonder what all those psychologists are actually working toward during their years of study.
Do they pore over textbooks just to mess with people later, or to actually help solve problems?

This specific situation is exactly why someone should see a therapist.
It isn’t just the mentally ill who seek help; it’s healthy people facing problems they simply aren't equipped to handle.

A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER will never be able to offer better support than a professional. They are too emotionally entangled in the relationship; you end up draining them under the guise of "being family" or "being friends."
If a friend broke her leg, I’d send her straight to the ER rather than trying to set the bone myself and making things worse.

This girl is talking to him while he insults her, flipping between being perfectly fine and acting completely unhinged.
Who is even looking out for whom here?

Send him straight to a psychologist and turn off your phone; you aren't obligated to listen to this. ☕
Once he regains his senses, acts normal again, and stops the insults, then you can resume the conversation.

Right now, he’s acting like a broken record, ruining your mood. You already mentioned wanting to disappear—look, you're only 25. Is he even considering your mental state? He’s purely selfish, throwing tantrums like a five-year-old. He should have dealt with his marriage issues a long time ago; if he didn't, then so much for that. Let him go to a shrink for his confessions and leave you alone to enjoy your youth.

George Cook said:Cut contact.

I once thought I was the only one holding everything together, convinced she’d spiral if I walked away.

She didn't end up taking her life; instead, she just spends her time badmouthing me to the neighbors.

If you break things off, expect her to play the victim with everyone on the block—that’s a statistical certainty at this point.

Let her take her grievances to a therapist or a family doctor. You aren't a mental health professional, and you certainly don't owe her your life.

When he says, "If you won't listen, who will?" tell him to find a psychiatrist while you go get a manicure. When he starts yelling, tell him you have a massage appointment.

It’s all noise. He isn't considering your feelings; he’ll spin this same tragic tale to anyone from the lady at the deli to the neighbor in the elevator.
Presebican is far too self-important to actually follow through on something like that. It won't happen. He thinks the world revolves around him too much.
His failing marriage is his own cross to bear.
☕

That was my first thought, too. At least for a little while, until they finally realize that their actions actually have consequences. Another option would be for her not to go alone, but to bring her sisters along—that should make things a bit easier. I know it might not work out with the sisters, but honestly, it’s only fair that the responsibility of looking after their father is shared among them.

George Cook said:Honestly, this isn't even normal behavior; you basically drained your friend dry just by venting. How can you spend until 5:00 AM spinning your wheels and disrupting someone else's sleep and responsibilities? There has to be some level of decorum.

Your sister gave you some solid advice; she simply refused to entertain your constant complaining and left you to figure things out on your own. When your "difficult" sister cut you off, you just pivoted and started draining your friend instead. It’ll be the same deal with the author's father once he decides to distance himself—she'll just find someone else to lean on. If you're truly such an expert, why don't you try linking the author's situation to her father? Imagine spending every single day for the next year talking to him multiple times a day, sometimes even until 5:00 AM. I'm sure you'll stumble upon the perfect words and the ultimate solution to his problems then. What do you think?
I wonder what all those psychologists are actually working toward during their years of study.
Do they pore over textbooks just to mess with people later, or to actually help solve problems?

This specific situation is exactly why someone should see a therapist.
It isn’t just the mentally ill who seek help; it’s healthy people facing problems they simply aren't equipped to handle.

A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER will never be able to offer better support than a professional. They are too emotionally entangled in the relationship; you end up draining them under the guise of "being family" or "being friends."
If a friend broke her leg, I’d send her straight to the ER rather than trying to set the bone myself and making things worse.

This girl is talking to him while he insults her, flipping between being perfectly fine and acting completely unhinged.
Who is even looking out for whom here?

Send him straight to a psychologist and turn off your phone; you aren't obligated to listen to this. ☕
Once he regains his senses, acts normal again, and stops the insults, then you can resume the conversation.

Right now, he’s acting like a broken record, ruining your mood. You already mentioned wanting to disappear—look, you're only 25. Is he even considering your mental state? He’s purely selfish, throwing tantrums like a five-year-old. He should have dealt with his marriage issues a long time ago; if he didn't, then so much for that. Let him go to a shrink for his confessions and leave you alone to enjoy your youth.

Look, you and I aren't friends, and we probably won't be either since we see things so differently, and that's fine—whatever works for you! But I really feel like you're exaggerating here, or at the very least, you haven't quite grasped what I was trying to say.

You call it "nagging," "draining," or "insulting," but to me, it's simply being there for someone I truly care about. And I mean *truly* care, not just "doing my duty" because it's expected. When I genuinely feel for someone, that kind of support doesn't drain me; it actually fills my tank with energy! Besides, I would never build a relationship (aside from family, which is more of a given) based on convenience—where I'm only around when life is easy and fun, but the second things get heavy and you aren't "normal" anymore, I just bail.

Plus, when someone feels unconditional support, calmness, and love from the other side, they tend to calm down themselves and lose the need to act so hysterical. Of course, there will still be outbursts, but over time—months and years—those moments will start to fade.

That is the only way I see someone being able to "help" (by helping themselves, really). As for your comment about me thinking I can just say the right words and find the perfect solution—you completely misunderstood me! I am literally saying that such a thing doesn't exist and is impossible. Trying to offer solutions to someone in that state is one of the worst things you can do. (And honestly, that's exactly what most incompetent psychologists do!)

And wait, where on earth did I ever say I thought my sister was being malicious just because she called me out? She’s totally off the hook, and I made it super clear before that we aren't responsible for each other's actions just because we share the same parents, right?

I actually had a job back in the day that was pretty similar to this, but I ended up walking away from it—not because the work itself was draining, because honestly, I loved it and it never felt heavy, but because I just couldn't sit there and watch my coworkers and the manager treat people so poorly! And can you believe they even had advanced degrees in psychotherapy? They had zero empathy, and since that kind of behavior didn't feed their souls, they just burned out completely, so now they only stick around for the paycheck and to vent their frustrations by playing "tough boss" over those poor, vulnerable people.

Finding a truly great psychologist is such a massive challenge, isn't it? I haven't met a single one who actually fits the bill yet, and let's be real, they are incredibly expensive! You end up throwing money at someone who just pushes directive approaches and "one-size-fits-all" solutions that might sound logical to them, but have absolutely nothing to do with who you actually are. It's just not the answer, at least not for me!

That's why I really have to disagree with you when you say that someone who genuinely loves you won't be able to help you more than a professional could—I mean, there is just no way! Only people who actually radiate peace, love, calmness, and patience are even capable of helping anyone else through something.

Donna Doyle2 said:Well, nobody here told her she had to be that emotional sponge, and I made sure to emphasize that to her myself!

I was only trying to offer a glimpse into his perspective, because don't you know that once you can actually understand someone, you tend to feel more empathy and less anger, which leaves you feeling so much less bitter?

It feels to me like everyone here has dealt with someone like this before, because why is everyone throwing stones at him? The guy is in the absolute worst kind of mess—his wife left him for someone else—and yet everyone here is just calling him a jerk, selfish, or toxic, assuming he was always this way and that's why she left.

To me, this feels like pure projection and it's not fair at all since we have no idea what the actual situation is like.
The author mentioned that they used to get along beautifully and were really close.

Oh, sure, let's all be sunshine and rainbows when things are going great, but the second something tragic happens and someone needs a little extra time to recover (I mean, hello, his wife left him over the summer—it hasn't even been six months!), we immediately run far away from this "toxic and selfish" person who supposedly doesn't care about anyone but himself.

And yeah, he might not be thinking of anyone else, but isn't it true that when you're completely unable to recover from trauma, you literally cannot think about anything else? He isn't doing it on purpose.

I don't know, I wouldn't want to have friends like that. Life happens to everyone, and we'll all find ourselves in a spot where we just can't go on and we need people to simply exist there for us without judgment.

Back when I went through a breakup with my "soulmate" a long time ago, my best friend would stay up talking to me all night long whenever I needed it—literally until 5 AM! I felt this desperate need to recount every tiny, insignificant detail of that relationship, and who knows how many hours we spent analyzing everything? I would have done the exact same for her. But hey, you choose your friends, you don't choose your family.

I'll say it again: it's too much for the author, and she really needs to distance herself from him. Plus, him being "on his own" isn't a bad thing and it won't stop him from getting better. Recovery just takes time, no matter what people say or do around him, whether they stay close or pull away—time is the only thing that matters for healing.

EDIT: Now that I think about it, my sister was just like that when I had that breakup; she basically shut me down immediately, telling me to get over it, realize it was just an experience, and move on—and if I couldn't, I should see a therapist. Even today, she tells me I obsessed way too much over that guy and the whole situation. And recently, when I was dealing with some heavy stuff at work and feeling pretty overwhelmed while trying to make big decisions, she just told me to deal with it, said I complain every single day, and suggested I just go grab coffee with someone to clear my head because she has her own problems and doesn't want to hear mine. So yeah, I totally agree—you aren't obligated to do anything for your family just because you were born into it.

Don't you think you might be projecting a bit here, especially since you're looking at this from his specific perspective? People sharing their stories on this forum have dealt with manipulation from those closest to them; they generally know exactly what those behavioral patterns look like.

The author mentioned that things used to be different back then—they actually got along and felt a genuine connection.

She also noted that her father’s current behavior has crossed the line into psychological abuse.

It’s all well and good to play nice and act like everything is perfect when life is easy and things are going our way. But if someone goes through a genuine tragedy and needs a little extra time to get back on their feet—for instance, if he was dumped right in the middle of summer, so it hasn't even been six months yet—then you need to run. Get as far away as possible from that kind of toxic, selfish person who only cares about themselves.

If you actually take the time to read this thread, you’ll see that nobody suggested running at the first sign of trouble. What everyone *did* say was that you need to distance yourself from a selfish, toxic individual who only cares about their own interests and couldn't care less about anyone else. People wrote those comments to help the author save herself. Because, if you haven't noticed, it isn't just her father who's struggling—she is doing quite poorly herself, and she needs support.

Look, you can't just tell someone not to dwell on it. By its very definition, being unable to recover from trauma means you're stuck in a loop where nothing else matters. It’s not like they’re doing it on purpose; their brain simply won't let them think about anything else.

Niko wasn't even claiming he did it on purpose. But let’s be real—the author can't fix this herself; she needs a professional to step in.

I don't know; I wouldn't want to have friends like that.

What kind of help? Someone who "helps" by handing you over to a specialist the moment they think you’ve slipped too far into psychosis?

Life has a way of throwing curveballs at everyone. We all hit that breaking point eventually—that moment where you just can't go on, and no amount of outside help can fix things. At that stage, the only thing that actually matters is having people by your side who are simply willing to show up.

I agree, but there’s a limit to how much help one person can provide. If someone is just exploiting your empathy and refusing any other kind of practical support, then you're essentially hitting a wall. You can't save someone from themselves. As for her father, I don't think his current state only started after her mother left. That was certainly the trigger, but based on what the author wrote, I suspect this has been building up for much longer than that.

Back when I went through my first major breakup, a close friend of mine would stay up with me for hours on end. We’d talk until 5:00 AM almost every night for a year straight. I just had this desperate need to dissect every tiny, insignificant detail of that relationship, and honestly, who knows what we actually analyzed during those marathon sessions? I’d do the exact same thing for her today. But at the end of the day, you choose your friends; you don't get to choose your family.

This isn't the same thing, though. Her father has likely been struggling with mental health issues for a long time, and seeing him walk out on her mother has clearly hit her hard. She's reeling from everything that's happened. What she needs most right now is support—and if he can't see that he needs help too, that's on him, not her.

She told me that enough was enough and that I should go grab coffee with someone else to vent, because she has her own burdens to carry and doesn't have the headspace to listen anymore.

Have you considered that your sister might actually be dealing with much heavier stuff than you are, and instead of venting, she's just trying to keep her head above water? To me, her response sounds like she's reached a total breaking point from constant complaining. Of course, I could be wrong—I don't know either of you or the history behind your relationship.

Donna Doyle2 said:Look, you and I aren't friends, and we probably won't be either since we see things so differently, and that's fine—whatever works for you! But I really feel like you're exaggerating here, or at the very least, you haven't quite grasped what I was trying to say.

You call it "nagging," "draining," or "insulting," but to me, it's simply being there for someone I truly care about. And I mean *truly* care, not just "doing my duty" because it's expected. When I genuinely feel for someone, that kind of support doesn't drain me; it actually fills my tank with energy! Besides, I would never build a relationship (aside from family, which is more of a given) based on convenience—where I'm only around when life is easy and fun, but the second things get heavy and you aren't "normal" anymore, I just bail.

Plus, when someone feels unconditional support, calmness, and love from the other side, they tend to calm down themselves and lose the need to act so hysterical. Of course, there will still be outbursts, but over time—months and years—those moments will start to fade.

That is the only way I see someone being able to "help" (by helping themselves, really). As for your comment about me thinking I can just say the right words and find the perfect solution—you completely misunderstood me! I am literally saying that such a thing doesn't exist and is impossible. Trying to offer solutions to someone in that state is one of the worst things you can do. (And honestly, that's exactly what most incompetent psychologists do!)

And wait, where on earth did I ever say I thought my sister was being malicious just because she called me out? She’s totally off the hook, and I made it super clear before that we aren't responsible for each other's actions just because we share the same parents, right?

I actually had a job back in the day that was pretty similar to this, but I ended up walking away from it—not because the work itself was draining, because honestly, I loved it and it never felt heavy, but because I just couldn't sit there and watch my coworkers and the manager treat people so poorly! And can you believe they even had advanced degrees in psychotherapy? They had zero empathy, and since that kind of behavior didn't feed their souls, they just burned out completely, so now they only stick around for the paycheck and to vent their frustrations by playing "tough boss" over those poor, vulnerable people.

Finding a truly great psychologist is such a massive challenge, isn't it? I haven't met a single one who actually fits the bill yet, and let's be real, they are incredibly expensive! You end up throwing money at someone who just pushes directive approaches and "one-size-fits-all" solutions that might sound logical to them, but have absolutely nothing to do with who you actually are. It's just not the answer, at least not for me!

That's why I really have to disagree with you when you say that someone who genuinely loves you won't be able to help you more than a professional could—I mean, there is just no way! Only people who actually radiate peace, love, calmness, and patience are even capable of helping anyone else through something.

That simply isn't true. You went through a breakup when you were young and immature.
If you spend years complaining about a bad marriage while a friend listens to you until five in the morning out of "love," she isn't helping you—she's doing you a massive disservice and feeding her own pathology. You won't change as long as there is someone there nodding along, telling you how right you are and how unfair the world is, or how your husband just doesn't get it... blah, blah, blah.
A psychologist is trained and emotionally detached; they can judge when you need the blunt truth and when you just need to vent. A professional knows how to set boundaries so they don't become a literal trash can for your problems, and to ensure you don't just keep spinning in circles.