Moving out of my parents' place

So why doesn't his brother just move in with her then?
It’s easy to act like a hero when you aren't the one actually doing the heavy lifting. 😁

Honestly, it was probably for the best that you caught her off guard by leaving and moving out.

I feel like if you didn't grow up with parents like that, you wouldn't truly grasp what it's actually like to live under their roof—or just how far they're willing to go...

Christian Kelly51 said:Thanks for the advice, everyone!

I figured I had to drop the news on her like a bombshell. Given how she’s been acting lately, there wasn't really any other way to handle it. If I hadn't, I probably would've lost my mind, because I'm pretty sure those three months while I was hunting for an apartment would have been nothing but non-stop crying.

As for my brother... at first glance, it seems like he's taking Mom's side. His whole argument is that I'm just wasting money and that I should probably just put it toward renovating this place instead. Yeah, right... But in the end, he tells me it's my call and my life. I guess even he doesn't quite get that I just want some peace, freedom, and to be on my own, you know? Just independence.

I'm honestly curious to see how things play out over the next few days.

Suggest he takes Mom in instead; a change of scenery might do her good. You need to experience living on your own, and you'll save money too. He and Mom stay together, everyone's happy.🤣
Why haven't you ever suggested that to him?

boldnomad45 said:Suggest he takes Mom in instead; a change of scenery might do her good. You need to experience living on your own, and you'll save money too. He and Mom stay together, everyone's happy.🤣
Why haven't you ever suggested that to him?

My family situation is just... complicated, to say the least. My brother lives with his aunt, who has a disability, so he helps take care of her. He can't really move out because they're both financially tied to one another. (And if things ever go south, I guess there's a chance all three of them could end up leaning on me.) FML☕

Christian Kelly51 said:My family situation is just... complicated, to say the least. My brother lives with his aunt, who has a disability, so he helps take care of her. He can't really move out because they're both financially tied to one another. (And if things ever go south, I guess there's a chance all three of them could end up leaning on me.) FML☕

Ugh, you're in a tough spot. I spent ten years as a hostage to a situation just like this. It'll make you sick. You have to focus on saving yourself first. Find some support—and make sure it's yours alone. You're going to need it. Please, if there's any way you can, get out.

Quentin Tarantino

Christian Kelly51 said:Thanks for the advice. 🙂

Whatever I've tried saying to reach her so far, it just doesn't fucking work.

The apartment is about a 15-20 minute walk from her place.
I told her I'd come by every day, that I'd cover all her utilities, and that I'd come over once a week to clean up and vacuum, etc. I said whenever she cooks lunch, she can call me over. I even mentioned I'll make family dinners so she and my brother can come to my place (he lives on his own too). I even told her I'd come over to sleep over a few times a week.

I'm staying firm. My new place is already paid for and there's no turning back. I move in 5 days. 🙂

Are you married to her? 🤔

Is there any activity, hobby, or perhaps even a project you could sink your teeth into instead of spending all that time with your mother?

You’re thirty years old. You have every right to go out, meet people, and live. Life moves fast; you don't want to wake up at sixty realizing you lived for your mother instead of yourself. Is being her caregiver truly your only purpose in life? Wake up.
She isn’t going to change. You have to be the one to change your life and set a firm boundary. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't let her into a new apartment. Visits should happen only on your terms. If you give her an inch, she’ll take a mile—showing up unannounced once you find a new partner and sabotaging your relationships. If you get used to those surprise visits, she'll eventually control your entire schedule, lingering around your building until she convinces you that she's the only one who truly understands you.
That isn't necessary.

Zeno, you have reached thirty.
Start living your own life. She’s an old woman now, just like any other grandmother you'd meet at a local farmers market. The bloom is long gone. She should stick to reading books, listening to the radio, or working on crosswords. Let her cry and complain while she knits; it's what people like that do.
Adopting a dog requires more than just affection; it demands a certain level of stamina. One must be prepared to rise at 6:00 AM for walks, head out for early morning laps at the local YMCA, or spend hours fishing by the lake. It isn't compatible with those who prefer a slower pace—like cycling through the suburbs, playing chess in the park, or meeting friends for a glass of bourbon and a round of poker. If your idea of a good time is a casual game of horseshoes, a high-energy pet might be an uphill battle.
Older folks tend to adopt certain hobbies that simply align with their stage of life.

It isn't your job to play psychiatrist for her.
You think it was easy for anyone else.
I told my wife to go see her doctor or a psychiatrist instead. She needs to discuss the insomnia, the physical pain, and those antidepressant side effects with a professional; I’ve reached my limit listening to it.
I felt utterly speechless, though I have no obligation to listen to it.
She lied about having heart issues and claimed she nearly fainted just to keep me around. It’s a manipulative tactic, and frankly, it’s something no parent should ever pull on their own child.

The only way to truly start living for yourself is to find a direction. If you lack one, look up bucket lists, local free events, sports leagues, or volunteer organizations.
I have finally begun filling my calendar with meaningful pursuits. Simply walking away from the physical space isn't enough; one must actually commit to self-improvement and intentional change.
You are an adult now, yet still navigating that early stage of life where you need to find your footing. Remember how kids finish their homework and immediately go out to play? Life works the same way. If you focus solely on your job without cultivating a hobby or a sense of self, you'll end up stuck. You cannot live just to satisfy someone else; if you don't prioritize your own interests, you're simply setting yourself up to be someone else's servant. It is essential to satisfy yourself first.
What long-term benefit does this level of devotion to your mother actually provide? She isn't a static object; she is capable of standing on her own, and eventually, she will have to. You need to let go. You owe it to your own future to prioritize your well-being and find a partner. If you carry this pattern into parenthood, you'll end up neglecting your own needs and teaching your children to view you solely through the lens of being a caregiver. That leads to a cycle of dependency where your children remain tethered to you indefinitely. You assisted your mother, certainly, but a parent is not a peer. You cannot substitute friendship for the role of a mother.

She once told me that no one would ever be a better friend than a mother. I just laughed right in her face. She spent years ignoring me, yet the moment she needs to vent, I’m expected to sit there and listen. If she wants to seek psychiatric help, that's her business—I have a life to live.

Everything feels urgent right now, but try reading back through what people have told you a month from now, or even six months from now.
Your only obligation is to yourself. Set a boundary; she isn't nearly as helpless as she pretends to be.
One more thing. If she actually wanted to help herself instead of just complaining, she would seek professional support and leave her problems at a therapist's office, allowing you to live your own life. It's like being caught in a sinking boat; if the person next to you is drowning, would you pull them down with you, or would you swim for the shore? If she’s struggling with depression—which is common for most seniors her age—you need to save yourself first.

Check out this thread as well:
View on reddit

Whenever I read about those mothers being discussed here, I can't help but look up at our landlady.
Since we’re renting, she lives right on the floor above us. Honestly, if she weren't such an incredibly kind soul, this living situation would be a total nightmare. She’s in her 60s and has been through quite a lot—she lost her husband far too young—but she is truly one of the most wonderful women I've ever met.
She stays out of everyone else's business and is incredibly understanding. Every single morning, she’s up by 7:00 AM to go for a swim or head out for a hike up Mount Rainier. She has her own circle of friends she spends time with, and even though her children live in the same courtyard, she never intrudes on them unless they specifically ask for her help. Plus, she is such a warm, grounded grandmother to her grandkids.

We run into each other often and always end up chatting; she’s constantly cheering me and my boyfriend on. She never tries to pry into our apartment or act like she cares what we’re doing or who we bring home.
It really makes me wonder: how does someone turn out to be such a genuinely good person, while others turn into complete leeches like some of the mothers mentioned in these threads?

George Cook said:Quentin Tarantino

Are you married to her? 🤔

Is there any activity, hobby, or perhaps even a project you could sink your teeth into instead of spending all that time with your mother?

You’re thirty years old. You have every right to go out, meet people, and live. Life moves fast; you don't want to wake up at sixty realizing you lived for your mother instead of yourself. Is being her caregiver truly your only purpose in life? Wake up.
She isn’t going to change. You have to be the one to change your life and set a firm boundary. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't let her into a new apartment. Visits should happen only on your terms. If you give her an inch, she’ll take a mile—showing up unannounced once you find a new partner and sabotaging your relationships. If you get used to those surprise visits, she'll eventually control your entire schedule, lingering around your building until she convinces you that she's the only one who truly understands you.
That isn't necessary.

Zeno, you have reached thirty.
Start living your own life. She’s an old woman now, just like any other grandmother you'd meet at a local farmers market. The bloom is long gone. She should stick to reading books, listening to the radio, or working on crosswords. Let her cry and complain while she knits; it's what people like that do.
Adopting a dog requires more than just affection; it demands a certain level of stamina. One must be prepared to rise at 6:00 AM for walks, head out for early morning laps at the local YMCA, or spend hours fishing by the lake. It isn't compatible with those who prefer a slower pace—like cycling through the suburbs, playing chess in the park, or meeting friends for a glass of bourbon and a round of poker. If your idea of a good time is a casual game of horseshoes, a high-energy pet might be an uphill battle.
Older folks tend to adopt certain hobbies that simply align with their stage of life.

It isn't your job to play psychiatrist for her.
You think it was easy for anyone else.
I told my wife to go see her doctor or a psychiatrist instead. She needs to discuss the insomnia, the physical pain, and those antidepressant side effects with a professional; I’ve reached my limit listening to it.
I felt utterly speechless, though I have no obligation to listen to it.
She lied about having heart issues and claimed she nearly fainted just to keep me around. It’s a manipulative tactic, and frankly, it’s something no parent should ever pull on their own child.

The only way to truly start living for yourself is to find a direction. If you lack one, look up bucket lists, local free events, sports leagues, or volunteer organizations.
I have finally begun filling my calendar with meaningful pursuits. Simply walking away from the physical space isn't enough; one must actually commit to self-improvement and intentional change.
You are an adult now, yet still navigating that early stage of life where you need to find your footing. Remember how kids finish their homework and immediately go out to play? Life works the same way. If you focus solely on your job without cultivating a hobby or a sense of self, you'll end up stuck. You cannot live just to satisfy someone else; if you don't prioritize your own interests, you're simply setting yourself up to be someone else's servant. It is essential to satisfy yourself first.
What long-term benefit does this level of devotion to your mother actually provide? She isn't a static object; she is capable of standing on her own, and eventually, she will have to. You need to let go. You owe it to your own future to prioritize your well-being and find a partner. If you carry this pattern into parenthood, you'll end up neglecting your own needs and teaching your children to view you solely through the lens of being a caregiver. That leads to a cycle of dependency where your children remain tethered to you indefinitely. You assisted your mother, certainly, but a parent is not a peer. You cannot substitute friendship for the role of a mother.

She once told me that no one would ever be a better friend than a mother. I just laughed right in her face. She spent years ignoring me, yet the moment she needs to vent, I’m expected to sit there and listen. If she wants to seek psychiatric help, that's her business—I have a life to live.

Everything feels urgent right now, but try reading back through what people have told you a month from now, or even six months from now.
Your only obligation is to yourself. Set a boundary; she isn't nearly as helpless as she pretends to be.
One more thing. If she actually wanted to help herself instead of just complaining, she would seek professional support and leave her problems at a therapist's office, allowing you to live your own life. It's like being caught in a sinking boat; if the person next to you is drowning, would you pull them down with you, or would you swim for the shore? If she’s struggling with depression—which is common for most seniors her age—you need to save yourself first.

Check out this thread as well:
View on reddit

Good grief, did they all attend some sort of seminar on toxic parenting together?🤣
Mine constantly repeats that line right alongside the other one: "No one will love you as much as Mom does."

My therapist always brings up one specific point: if you spend all your energy looking after everyone else, who is actually left to look after you?

Terry Lopez18 said:Good grief, did they all attend some sort of seminar on toxic parenting together?🤣
Mine constantly repeats that line right alongside the other one: "No one will love you as much as Mom does."

My therapist always brings up one specific point: if you spend all your energy looking after everyone else, who is actually left to look after you?

Mine used to say the exact same thing.

Quincy:

Terry Lopez18 As follows: Good grief, did they all attend some joint seminar on how to be toxic parents? 🤣 She’s always telling her, along with that other one, "No one will ever love you quite like your mother does." My therapist always drives home one point: if you spend all your energy looking out for everyone else, who’s going to look out for you?

My shrink told me the exact same thing.
No one is going to step up for you if you don't step up for yourself. It’s like waiting for a bailout that isn't coming.

He makes a valid point.
I’ve physically moved on, but I spent a long time wrapped in guilt. Even when I get up, go to work, or fly out on vacation, my mind stays stuck on my mother. 🤦
I managed to scale our conversations down to once a week, despite her pushing for one or two check-ins a day. She insists on that frequency because she spends all day talking to her mother—who, frankly, is the living embodiment of Hitler.
What am I supposed to talk to her about every single day? Whether I've cooked dinner or not isn't exactly riveting conversation. 🤔
She used it.

It’s as if she couldn't care less about my life. I'm expected to sit there and endure endless whining and griping? No thanks. She can take those complaints straight to her therapist; I simply don't have the patience for it. Does she have any topic of conversation that isn't some grim police report or a tragedy? Apparently not. When I finally mentioned one of my hobbies, she just gave me this patronizing little laugh.
These are women who never truly lived; they spent their entire existence merely serving everyone else. Now, when you finally decide to embrace life and pursue something meaningful, it irritates them. Our youth serves as a bitter reminder of the lives they wasted.
Terry Lopez18, she didn't just "fail." She made a conscious choice to focus on herself and respect other people's boundaries. It’s a simple distinction. Anyone else could have taken the exact same path, but they simply choose not to.
My wife won't go swimming. Her mother is feeling under the weather, so her visit to her mom's place has been extended to two weeks.
😵
I have no intention of visiting my mother during vacation. There is absolutely no way I’m playing maid or cleaning up after her. I refuse to inherit that kind of toxic energy.
As long as Mom is able, she should continue to tidy up after herself. It's best to let her maintain that independence while she still can.
When she can no longer move, when she becomes immobile. Only then will we see what comes next.

@Splićanka
Man, you really cracked me up with some parts of that post. Thanks for being so straightforward with me! 😁
I think you’re totally right, and I'm on the same page as you.
I’m not trying to make excuses or anything, but I was basically just feeding my mom this line about how I’d come over to stay the night or help tidy up and stuff, just so she'd settle down.
I mean, I’m not crazy. 🙄

I definitely never intended to let her just show up at my place unannounced. She has a phone, so she can call if she wants to visit. I have my own life, my job, my boyfriend, and my friends to look after. 🙂 ☕

Christian Kelly51 said:@Splićanka
Man, you really cracked me up with some parts of that post. Thanks for being so straightforward with me! 😁
I think you’re totally right, and I'm on the same page as you.
I’m not trying to make excuses or anything, but I was basically just feeding my mom this line about how I’d come over to stay the night or help tidy up and stuff, just so she'd settle down.
I mean, I’m not crazy. 🙄

I definitely never intended to let her just show up at my place unannounced. She has a phone, so she can call if she wants to visit. I have my own life, my job, my boyfriend, and my friends to look after. 🙂 ☕

When I was living with her, I told her plainly, "When I move out, you'll have to rely on yourself. If I'm not here to handle things, who else will there be? You'll have to manage."

I said it quite calmly.
Her response? "If you won't do it, I'll just ask the neighbor."

Someone always has to hover over her. Mentally, she’s at a child's level—she's been this way her whole life: constant arguments, sulking, playing the victim.

Now she’s cozy with the neighbor and visits her mother constantly, while undoubtedly badmouthing me, complaining that "my daughter never visits."

She certainly has an excuse ready. ☕

Don't fall for the manipulation.
When I told her I was going on a trip, she immediately went into her "sad voice," implying I should have visited twice a year instead.
She acts as if every vacation should be spent traveling back home. It's predictable.

So I told her, "Listen... you could come visit me here, or we could travel together; I'll pay for the ticket."
Her reaction: "Does it have to be this year? Can we wait two or three years?"
First, she shed tears because I wouldn't stay, then when I suggested she visit me or we travel together, she suddenly needed to postpone it too. In the end, I went on my planned trip and had a wonderful time.
The biggest lesson I've learned is that I have to stop catering to her or anyone else. If someone is unhappy, they can find their own way to cheer up. I am not responsible for crocodile tears or emotional blackmail. I won't sit through negativity that harms me. I am the one who defines my relationships with others, and more importantly, my relationship with myself.

hm... I have to admit, I spent most of my time avoiding my mother while she was still around. And looking back, I suppose I should mention she never once tried to guilt-trip me. If anything, she was the type who would do absolutely anything to avoid being a burden on anyone else. I was just trying to save my own life, so I moved to a different state, even though a part of me still aches for my hometown. But things have changed there now, and my life is firmly rooted here.

Congrats on making such a smart move to save your own life! It’s really kind of you to be thinking about how to handle this to make things easier for her, but please don't feel like this is on you—you can't blame yourself for what you did.
Maybe you could just tell her a story about moving in with a boyfriend and how there simply isn't enough room for all three of you?🤔 Though, honestly, spinning tales and giving false hope might just backfire in the end.

In any case, putting her on the waiting list for an assisted living facility seems like a solid plan. Better safe than sorry, right?

Michael Ramirez11 said:hm... I have to admit, I spent most of my time avoiding my mother while she was still around. And looking back, I suppose I should mention she never once tried to guilt-trip me. If anything, she was the type who would do absolutely anything to avoid being a burden on anyone else. I was just trying to save my own life, so I moved to a different state, even though a part of me still aches for my hometown. But things have changed there now, and my life is firmly rooted here.

Congrats on making such a smart move to save your own life! It’s really kind of you to be thinking about how to handle this to make things easier for her, but please don't feel like this is on you—you can't blame yourself for what you did.
Maybe you could just tell her a story about moving in with a boyfriend and how there simply isn't enough room for all three of you?🤔 Though, honestly, spinning tales and giving false hope might just backfire in the end.

In any case, putting her on the waiting list for an assisted living facility seems like a solid plan. Better safe than sorry, right?

So, she actually started acting totally normal, without all the crying. :O
And I told her my boyfriend would be joining us. 😁 Now she won't stop pestering me with questions about when I'm getting married. .☕
She's planning to redecorate the apartment and everything. It's a complete 180. 😁
Looks like the assisted living idea might be smart after all. Knock on wood.

Christian Kelly51 said:So, she actually started acting totally normal, without all the crying. :O
And I told her my boyfriend would be joining us. 😁 Now she won't stop pestering me with questions about when I'm getting married. .☕
She's planning to redecorate the apartment and everything. It's a complete 180. 😁
Looks like the assisted living idea might be smart after all. Knock on wood.

Don't bring up assisted living just yet. Instead, quietly look into her options—check waitlists and such.
Most seniors view nursing homes as a one-way trip to the grave.

The facility should be a last resort for when she's truly ill. You can start scouting now, but if you mention it to her, she'll think you're trying to push her out to grab the apartment for yourself and your boyfriend. She isn't naive; try seeing it from her perspective.
Wait until she is genuinely sick, but if possible, get her name on a waiting list now. These lists are long, and I wonder if you can do that without her knowing.

Seniors don't realize how beneficial care facilities can be. It's like kids being sent to daycare; they cry because they think you aren't coming back, yet daycare provides socialization for children, much like a facility provides medical care for the elderly.