Lack of confidence and character flaws

Hey everyone, I’m 23, finishing up my degree, and still living at home with my parents.
I don't have a career yet, just picking up some small gigs in my field for a bit of extra cash.
The real issue is that I lack confidence and a sense of self; I feel like I haven't actually formed a personality yet. Because of that, I don't really have friends and I rarely go out—and by "going out," I mean anything from grabbing coffee to hitting a bar. I have some classmates and three acquaintances from high school, but we rarely hang out unless it's strictly about schoolwork rather than actual "life" stuff.
As a result, I often feel lonely and sad, though I try my best to hide it. My lack of confidence is so deep that I spend most of my time behind a mask. People usually tell me I seem very put-together, but I know that underneath, it's just an empty shell.
I also feel like I lack a core identity; I don't truly know who I am. I never show my real face to anyone. Why? Because growing up, I was constantly silenced or punished, so I just gave up on expressing myself at a young age. I suppressed my social and emotional needs and just kept moving. It seemed like a survival strategy in high school. Then, during my freshman year of college, I hit a massive wall, which was a devastating blow to my fragile self-esteem since my entire worth was built on being a straight-A student. I retreated into myself, and for the next three years, I was completely alone. It was brutal, but I spent that time learning about myself while struggling through my studies. Now, after five years of college, I’m finally coming out of my shell and meeting new people, but it feels like there’s still this wall in front of me and I'm still haunted by the past. I worry about what people will think when they eventually realize I don't actually have any real friends.

My mother plays a huge role in all of this. She has always criticized everything I do, and honestly, it hasn't stopped. Nothing is ever good enough, and everything has to be done her way or not at all. I never learned how to stand up to her because, in the past, asserting myself or having an opinion was treated as disobedience or disrespect, which would trigger one of her outbursts. As a child, it was terrifying. There was physical punishment, though never leaving bruises. Psychologically, she’s a powerhouse with a gaze that could kill. When she loses it, she screams, and she definitely has the lungs for it. Growing up, every move I made was calculated to keep her happy and avoid triggering her rage. Now that I'm older, I realize how much of my life I missed out on simply because I was afraid of her reaction.

I'm not entirely sure what I want to achieve by posting this or what kind of help I'm looking for; I just have this overwhelming need to talk about it, but in IBM, I have no one to 😢

It would be nice if someone could offer some useful advice or share similar experiences. Or, if you're willing, just play therapist and ask me questions, because I feel like there's a lot more I haven't even touched on.

Honestly, just being at a point where you’re actually aware of the things holding you back—and understanding why they're there—is such a massive leap forward. You've already done the hard part. Now, it’s really up to you to step up and advocate for yourself. Don't let anyone push you around or keep you in that submissive role anymore; even if it was something your mother managed to get away with in the past, that's over now. Just be brave and move forward. I'd suggest starting to play around with the 'law of attraction.' In other words, try to catch yourself when you're being self-critical and start thinking about yourself with a bit more kindness. If you can start feeding your subconscious these positive messages about who you are and the impact you have on this world, everything starts to shift.

It sounds like your mother is a textbook toxic parent. There’s actually a famous book titled "Toxic Parents" that dives deep into this exact dynamic.
Given how she treated you, it’s honestly no surprise you're feeling the fallout. When a child is handled that way, they end up internalizing those parental attitudes through a process called introjection. It basically prevents you from ever developing a healthy sense of self-confidence.
To be blunt, your mom isn't as mentally strong as you might think. Truly resilient people empower others to find their own solutions; they don't belittle people, they encourage growth. Using aggression is just a sign of weakness. When she insists, "Do it my way," she's really just acting out her own immaturity and projecting her unresolved traumas—she likely dealt with the same thing from her own parents.
The good news is that by educating yourself on the impact of this kind of parenting and doing the inner work, you can start to recognize these negative influences and their effects. Just keep in mind that healing is a long road; it doesn't happen overnight.

restlesstiger49 said:It sounds like your mother is a textbook toxic parent. There’s actually a famous book titled "Toxic Parents" that dives deep into this exact dynamic.
Given how she treated you, it’s honestly no surprise you're feeling the fallout. When a child is handled that way, they end up internalizing those parental attitudes through a process called introjection. It basically prevents you from ever developing a healthy sense of self-confidence.
To be blunt, your mom isn't as mentally strong as you might think. Truly resilient people empower others to find their own solutions; they don't belittle people, they encourage growth. Using aggression is just a sign of weakness. When she insists, "Do it my way," she's really just acting out her own immaturity and projecting her unresolved traumas—she likely dealt with the same thing from her own parents.
The good news is that by educating yourself on the impact of this kind of parenting and doing the inner work, you can start to recognize these negative influences and their effects. Just keep in mind that healing is a long road; it doesn't happen overnight.

I don't mean to discourage anyone, and I truly believe that reaching this level of awareness—in any context, really—is a step toward a happier, better life. However, one must realize that awareness itself is just... well, awareness. It isn't a magic fix; it doesn't erase the past or the root causes of what happened. The consequences remain for a lifetime. We are talking about permanent scars, I guess. But surely, a person navigates life with a bit more grace when they actually understand who they are, why they act the way they do, and what shaped them. At the end of the day, being conscious matters.🧐

They say it takes courage to see the world for what it truly is, wisdom to make sense of it, and then—somehow—having the heart to love it exactly as it stands.😬 If that isn't the ultimate strength, I honestly don't know what is.🙂

Look, girl, just let loose. Go out there and make some new friends—preferably guys. Grab a drink, head out on the town, and just enjoy yourself. There are zero strings attached, and trust me, you’re far too young to be stressing over things like this right now.

It’s honestly wild how much I saw myself in what you wrote. I’ve always struggled with feeling like I have no self-confidence, no real backbone, and no sense of who I actually am.

I felt somewhat rejected back in elementary school, which left these deep scars on me that I’ve spent years trying to hide—mostly from myself, but then from everyone else too.

Even though my parents were always there for me, there was this long stretch where I just completely shut down and retreated into my own shell. I loosened up a little during high school, I guess, only to pull back into myself again once I started college.

And then there's my relationship; what used to be something beautiful turned into an incredibly toxic relationship, and I’m honestly terrified of how to get out of it, mostly because I still don't want to admit certain truths to myself. Every time I get insulted, I somehow manage to find a way to blame myself. I constantly tell myself that my boyfriend is right, and that whatever he says must be the truth.

I really wish I could open up to my girlfriends, but I’ve drifted so far away from my closest friends that I don't think I have the energy to bridge that gap right now. I also wouldn't want to tell my mom because I know it would shake her up too much, and she already has enough on her plate. As for my sister and brother, they just don't seem to get it when I try to hint at my struggles; it feels like my cries for help just go unheard.

Anyway, I'm finally done with my exams for now, so I've decided to take a break from my campus job this week. I'm planning to head home to my family for a few days to try and clear my head as much as possible. I've made a firm decision to try and build up some actual strength and character, just to see how far I can take that.

It feels so much easier just letting all this out 😁

via iPhone using Tapatalk

I find myself in a very similar situation.
I’m working in my field for pennies right now; I just have to grind through a few more months of my internship before I can move forward. Because of a relationship with a toxic parent, I am currently dealing with the heavy consequences all on my own.
I was always wonderful to everyone else, just not to them.
My entire life has been defined by criticism, restrictions, and a total lack of love or trust—which they tried to compensate for with material things. It still happens today.

I realize that I don't respect myself.
Now, I’ve started trying to fill that void with shopping.
I’ve begun compulsively buying things I don't actually need, thinking it will make me feel better.
It isn't about massive purchases or huge sums of money, but it adds up.
However, I recognized the problem and stopped.
Lately, I’ve been paying only in cash rather than using cards to stay disciplined. 😁
When I see a dress, for example, I tell myself I don't need it because I already own twenty, some of which I've only worn once.

I was an excellent student, and at work, I receive nothing but praise.
In social circles, I'm always the fun one who helps whenever needed.
Truthfully, I feel quite sad and lonely.
I have also frequently been taken advantage of in friendships and romantic relationships, and now even at my job.
It stems from being too kind, too naive, and being afraid of standing up for myself.
It isn't that I lack the ability to argue—I know how to make a strong point—but this habit goes back to childhood, when I had to do exactly what my parents commanded.
I ended most of those "friendships" through arguments, or we simply drifted apart.

I haven't spoken to my long-time friends in over a year.
This has happened before; we’ll run into each other by chance, and I’ll be the one to reach out so we can hang out intensely again, but it feels silly to go years without talking, only checking in for birthdays or holidays, and then suddenly acting like everything is perfect during a night out.
As for my college friends, I only see them a few times a year.
Usually, it's just when one of them needs a favor while passing by, and even then, our conversations and connections remain very superficial. I'm not looking for advice; I just felt the need to write this down since I have no one to talk to about it in real life.

Lawrence Bailey77 said:I don't mean to discourage anyone, and I truly believe that reaching this level of awareness—in any context, really—is a step toward a happier, better life. However, one must realize that awareness itself is just... well, awareness. It isn't a magic fix; it doesn't erase the past or the root causes of what happened. The consequences remain for a lifetime. We are talking about permanent scars, I guess. But surely, a person navigates life with a bit more grace when they actually understand who they are, why they act the way they do, and what shaped them. At the end of the day, being conscious matters.🧐

They say it takes courage to see the world for what it truly is, wisdom to make sense of it, and then—somehow—having the heart to love it exactly as it stands.😬 If that isn't the ultimate strength, I honestly don't know what is.🙂

I'm with you there, especially on the bolded part. The consequences and the scars don't just vanish; they require their own specific healing. You know, I know, and plenty of other people feel this too. But I never actually claimed that awareness is a "solution" to the problem (man, if only it were... you know how much that would help). Let me expand on my point a little.

restlesstiger49 said:It sounds like your mother is a textbook toxic parent. There’s actually a famous book titled "Toxic Parents" that dives deep into this exact dynamic.
Given how she treated you, it’s honestly no surprise you're feeling the fallout. When a child is handled that way, they end up internalizing those parental attitudes through a process called introjection. It basically prevents you from ever developing a healthy sense of self-confidence.
To be blunt, your mom isn't as mentally strong as you might think. Truly resilient people empower others to find their own solutions; they don't belittle people, they encourage growth. Using aggression is just a sign of weakness. When she insists, "Do it my way," she's really just acting out her own immaturity and projecting her unresolved traumas—she likely dealt with the same thing from her own parents.
The good news is that by educating yourself on the impact of this kind of parenting and doing the inner work, you can start to recognize these negative influences and their effects. Just keep in mind that healing is a long road; it doesn't happen overnight.

What I meant to convey is that if someone is carrying a heavy burden of guilt—thinking things like, "Why am I like this? Why is my self-esteem so low and why am I so withdrawn?"—that weight can be lifted. It happens because they realize they were essentially conditioned and raised in the wrong direction, leaving no room for a healthy self to develop. I think I'm being clearer now. If you're open to it, I'll send the rest of my thoughts via PM.

Lawrence Bailey77 said:I don't mean to discourage anyone, and I truly believe that reaching this level of awareness—in any context, really—is a step toward a happier, better life. However, one must realize that awareness itself is just... well, awareness. It isn't a magic fix; it doesn't erase the past or the root causes of what happened. The consequences remain for a lifetime. We are talking about permanent scars, I guess. But surely, a person navigates life with a bit more grace when they actually understand who they are, why they act the way they do, and what shaped them. At the end of the day, being conscious matters.🧐

They say it takes courage to see the world for what it truly is, wisdom to make sense of it, and then—somehow—having the heart to love it exactly as it stands.😬 If that isn't the ultimate strength, I honestly don't know what is.🙂

Well, that is absolutely wonderful!!!!!
👍👍👍👍

You’ll end up getting both once you finally stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks. It’s all about that moment when you start heading out on your own, totally unbothered by the outside noise and just doing your own thing...