Loveable but exhausting friends

Hey everyone!

A couple of years ago, I had a short hospital stay, and during that time, I met a woman I ended up talking to quite a bit. We swapped numbers, and a few weeks later, she reached out. We went for coffee... then another time... and very quickly, she invited me, my husband, and our kids over to her place. She has a husband and kids too, so... we decided to take her up on the invitation.

After that visit, her reaching out became much more frequent... and everything was fine until about 3 or 4 months ago when responding to her calls and texts started becoming exhausting... 👎
Basically, I’m the kind of person who has an incredibly packed schedule. Between finishing work, kids' activities, household chores, and everything else, I barely have time to catch up with my own mom or a close friend every day... let alone a new acquaintance with whom I don't even share many common interests. Aside from the kids. And that hospital stay.
To put it bluntly, her constant calling has started to really get on my nerves.

The worst part is, if I don't answer, she just calls again. Then she sends a text... then she calls again... and again. She just doesn't seem to realize she needs to back off a little and give me the chance to reach out to her. Does she not realize I'm neither deaf nor blind? I can see when she's calling; I think I know why I haven't picked up (when I haven't). But that doesn't seem to bother her at all. She just keeps going.

Technically, they are decent people. Her husband is a good guy, too. When we hang out, it's perfectly fine... but it's a far cry from feeling like we need to see them this often. We aren't lifelong best friends where this kind of intensity is the norm.
And now, I honestly don't know how to handle this.
At first, I tried coming up with excuses for why we couldn't make it for coffee or dinner, you know, whatever... It’s not that we wouldn't want to visit or host them, but I was trying to ensure it wasn't happening nearly as often as they wanted. Because that pace didn't work for us. But lately, she’s calling almost every single day, sometimes forcing it multiple times a day. It got to the point where I actually felt so repulsed (and angry) that I stopped answering her calls altogether, thinking maybe she'd get the hint or at least slow down. But no. Instead, she sends a text... then a message on Messenger... then calls again. Honestly, what the heck?!🙂🙂

I truly have no idea where this impulse comes from. All I know is that I don't know how to deal with it.
I don't want things to end between us because, over time, she's become dear to me, as has her family. But I feel under this massive amount of pressure because she's imposing an obligation on me to have half-hour conversations about nothing important every day, attend weekly dinners (these are people who celebrate everything, even a cat's birthday), or constantly expect me to show up at my front door unannounced (which has happened!) or even at my office (she would drop by my workplace when she had errands to run at the local clinic).😠

Both my husband and I work, and our schedules are jam-packed. We barely have time to properly hang out with each other, let alone nurture intense friendships with people we hardly know, who insist on this instant closeness...
I have two or three girlfriends whom I see occasionally; they also have hectic lives and families, so they don't pester me excessively. We meet up when it works for us, and we always coordinate around our responsibilities. With them, everything is relaxed, and I never feel pressured or "hunted" by constant demands. But this family is imposing this non-stop...
To give you an idea of how extreme this is, it's probably enough to say that since I met her, I have never—not once—had the opportunity (or even the desire) to be the one to call her. She is always the one initiating contact.

I'm terrified that I'll eventually have to tell her straight up that I simply can't—and don't want to—do things this way.🕺
I don't want to hurt them, and I definitely don't want to cut ties completely.

I feel stuck in this awful spot because she just isn't picking up on any of my signals. At all. It’s either that, or she's intentionally ignoring them—honestly, I can't tell anymore... It baffles me how she finds the energy and the time for such intense hangouts when they're both working full-time, dealing with kids, and don't exactly have nothing better to do than socialize all day...

What would you guys do if you were in my shoes?

I’d be super blunt and honest with her—no sugarcoating at all. Just between us, obviously, not in front of a crowd of husbands, kids, or even the cats celebrating their 😁 birthdays.

For now, I’d probably just shoot her a text today saying, "Hey, things are absolutely slammed with the holidays right now, but I promise I'll reach out in early January so we can finally grab coffee." Then, once we actually sit down for that coffee, I'd tell her exactly what you wrote here. If she can't handle it 🤷, then she can just move on with her life...

I’m honestly dreading this conversation. I don't even know how to word it without sounding incredibly harsh.

In the past, whenever I didn't pick up her calls for two or three days, I’ve tried explaining things to her—telling her my schedule is packed, I’ve got too much on my plate, or I'm just exhausted... basically, I've tried every polite way possible to let her know that I’m just not the kind of person who wants to spend every single spare second glued to a friend.

But nothing works. Every time my phone rings, I don't even have to look at the screen to know exactly who it is... 🙂
Even my husband teases me about it now because my reactions whenever I see her calling are just ridiculous. 🙄 We both end up laughing when I finally pick up and she starts teasing me while I'm sitting there rolling my eyes. I end up looking bitter. Or ungrateful. Look, it’s nice when someone takes an interest in you. It’s great to have friends you can actually hang out with... but when it crosses the line of being comfortable, and you start feeling actual anxiety every time you hear a specific ringtone or a notification sound... 😲
Then comes the mental torture of trying to come up with excuses... it ruins my entire day because I know she’s going to keep hovering until she wears me down into answering...

I truly wonder what it is about certain people—people who seem perfectly intelligent and rational at first glance—that gives them such an intense need to force themselves on someone else. That persistent, pushy way of offering friendship. Constantly demanding attention... I try to wrap my head around it, but I just can't. You'd think that if they had lost their sense of social boundaries, they might eventually pick up on the cues from my responses...? How is it possible that she just doesn't get it, and instead forces me to say everything right to her face?

Here is your game plan:

Next time you lock eyes, catch her gaze, step in a little closer, and gently

brush against her lip before whispering, "I have this intense craving to hop in the shower

with the four of us in our tiny stall."

Whatever happens, just half-close your eyes, tilt your head slightly, and mumble

...mmmmmmm...mmmm...mmmmmmmm...

This will definitely count as a compliment—it shows you want more quality time—but

there's a high chance she’ll actually want to hang out with you way less, or maybe

not at all.

If you end up missing her, just give her a call and pick up the conversation

right where it left off

before that whole moment happened (just pretend you have total amnesia).

I remember looking into a case like this once; I think it was handled by a PhD specialist.😁
It’s a sickness, pure obsession.
But are these women actually on the verge of something else? It feels more like an intense, misplaced infatuation with a friend that turns into stalking.
Honestly, I wouldn't take any advice from velvetstag5.🤣

Just shoot them a text saying you'll reach out after the holidays to grab coffee since things are too hectic right now, and leave it at that.

I’ve handled similar situations by delivering a beautifully packaged truth bomb: "Look, I value you, but I’m just wired differently. I’m more of an introvert, and I don't thrive on daily check-ins or constant social gatherings. I need my own space to recharge."
If someone takes offense, then we simply drift apart gracefully. If they don't, we still see each other much less frequently, letting things happen organically based on whoever reaches out first. Those who accept this are clearly sane, well-adjusted people. As for those who get insulted? Honestly, I couldn't care less if they're angry or not. It just proves we aren't on the same wavelength, and in those cases, it’s much better to let the connection cool off than to deal with the unnecessary drama.

I’m not entirely sure if you can afford to be cautious here, but frankly, you need to be incredibly firm with her. This situation is rapidly spiraling into an absolute nightmare,
the problem is, she possesses zero sense of boundaries; she’s temperamental and acts entirely on whim,
yet there you are, fretting over whether or not she'll hold a grudge.
"I simply don't have the bandwidth for small talk or socializing right now; please stop calling me, I'm feeling quite overwhelmed"
amen

Maybe people just have this desperate need for connection. Maybe it’s so intense they don't know how—or simply won't—package it, tone it down, or read the room regarding what's actually appropriate. They lack the social finesse to ask for attention, instead throwing it all out there because they assume everyone else is just as socially awkward and needy as they are ("...it's nice to have friends..."...). Anything is possible, I guess...
It’s also possible to be direct and clear... or you could just be quietly polite and civil. If you give someone a blunt "get lost" paired with a tiny bit of explanation, you might not even "offend" them. And if you follow the classic pattern of "ghosting" or rolling your eyes at the wrong crowd, you might avoid the drama too... but they’ll still find a way to hit you with those bitter, sweeping generalizations... where basically everyone is just tactically friendly... pretending to be honest, open, and decent....

Just pull the plug. Block the number, blacklist the address, unfriend them on Facebook... just flip the switch and cut them off. It’s the go-to, socially acceptable way to dump someone these days. Honestly, friendship is such an impractical concept anyway. No wonder it died out or mutated into whatever messy, basic mix of acquaintances and contacts we deal with now... among "dear" friends...

She’s seriously such a boundary-crosser 😁
Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I'd just shoot her a quick text saying I don't have the bandwidth for hanging out this often. Short, sweet, and to the point! If she still doesn't get the hint and keeps blowing up your phone, then you gotta send a firmer message—just stop stressing about how she'll take it. You've gotta look out for yourself!

p.s. Man, I really can't stand people who just show up unannounced. The only person allowed to pull that stunt in my life is my sister, and even then, I try not to be too hard on her. We aren't living in the old days anymore where nobody had a cell phone to check in first!

That’s the tricky part about figuring out the truth. As days turn into months, what started as a realization becomes an established fact, and once you say it out loud, it carries much more weight. It can have real consequences. If you had spoken up the moment you noticed she was pushing for constant contact when you actually prefer less frequent check-ins, things might have been smoother. You would both know exactly where you stood. She likely could have adjusted, and if she truly values your friendship, the bond wouldn't have weakened at all. The issue now is that she’s grown accustomed to this high level of communication; she sees it as a defining feature of your connection. Asking to pull back will probably sting, and she might start viewing the relationship through a different lens. I suspect she’ll be confused, a bit guarded, or just unsure of how to act.
Because of that, even after you scale back the frequency, it’s important that you stay proactive. I don't mean reaching out every single day, but try to be the one to initiate contact every three or four days, at least during this transition period. It’s a way to reassure her that nothing has changed between you and that the foundation of the friendship is still solid.

Jerry Wilson13 said:Hey everyone!

A couple of years ago, I had a short hospital stay, and during that time, I met a woman I ended up talking to quite a bit. We swapped numbers, and a few weeks later, she reached out. We went for coffee... then another time... and very quickly, she invited me, my husband, and our kids over to her place. She has a husband and kids too, so... we decided to take her up on the invitation.

After that visit, her reaching out became much more frequent... and everything was fine until about 3 or 4 months ago when responding to her calls and texts started becoming exhausting... 👎
Basically, I’m the kind of person who has an incredibly packed schedule. Between finishing work, kids' activities, household chores, and everything else, I barely have time to catch up with my own mom or a close friend every day... let alone a new acquaintance with whom I don't even share many common interests. Aside from the kids. And that hospital stay.
To put it bluntly, her constant calling has started to really get on my nerves.

The worst part is, if I don't answer, she just calls again. Then she sends a text... then she calls again... and again. She just doesn't seem to realize she needs to back off a little and give me the chance to reach out to her. Does she not realize I'm neither deaf nor blind? I can see when she's calling; I think I know why I haven't picked up (when I haven't). But that doesn't seem to bother her at all. She just keeps going.

Technically, they are decent people. Her husband is a good guy, too. When we hang out, it's perfectly fine... but it's a far cry from feeling like we need to see them this often. We aren't lifelong best friends where this kind of intensity is the norm.
And now, I honestly don't know how to handle this.
At first, I tried coming up with excuses for why we couldn't make it for coffee or dinner, you know, whatever... It’s not that we wouldn't want to visit or host them, but I was trying to ensure it wasn't happening nearly as often as they wanted. Because that pace didn't work for us. But lately, she’s calling almost every single day, sometimes forcing it multiple times a day. It got to the point where I actually felt so repulsed (and angry) that I stopped answering her calls altogether, thinking maybe she'd get the hint or at least slow down. But no. Instead, she sends a text... then a message on Messenger... then calls again. Honestly, what the heck?!🙂🙂

I truly have no idea where this impulse comes from. All I know is that I don't know how to deal with it.
I don't want things to end between us because, over time, she's become dear to me, as has her family. But I feel under this massive amount of pressure because she's imposing an obligation on me to have half-hour conversations about nothing important every day, attend weekly dinners (these are people who celebrate everything, even a cat's birthday), or constantly expect me to show up at my front door unannounced (which has happened!) or even at my office (she would drop by my workplace when she had errands to run at the local clinic).😠

Both my husband and I work, and our schedules are jam-packed. We barely have time to properly hang out with each other, let alone nurture intense friendships with people we hardly know, who insist on this instant closeness...
I have two or three girlfriends whom I see occasionally; they also have hectic lives and families, so they don't pester me excessively. We meet up when it works for us, and we always coordinate around our responsibilities. With them, everything is relaxed, and I never feel pressured or "hunted" by constant demands. But this family is imposing this non-stop...
To give you an idea of how extreme this is, it's probably enough to say that since I met her, I have never—not once—had the opportunity (or even the desire) to be the one to call her. She is always the one initiating contact.

I'm terrified that I'll eventually have to tell her straight up that I simply can't—and don't want to—do things this way.🕺
I don't want to hurt them, and I definitely don't want to cut ties completely.

I feel stuck in this awful spot because she just isn't picking up on any of my signals. At all. It’s either that, or she's intentionally ignoring them—honestly, I can't tell anymore... It baffles me how she finds the energy and the time for such intense hangouts when they're both working full-time, dealing with kids, and don't exactly have nothing better to do than socialize all day...

What would you guys do if you were in my shoes?

I’d honestly just tell her exactly what she already admitted right here:

Jerry Wilson13 said:Hey everyone!

A couple of years ago, I had a short hospital stay, and during that time, I met a woman I ended up talking to quite a bit. We swapped numbers, and a few weeks later, she reached out. We went for coffee... then another time... and very quickly, she invited me, my husband, and our kids over to her place. She has a husband and kids too, so... we decided to take her up on the invitation.

After that visit, her reaching out became much more frequent... and everything was fine until about 3 or 4 months ago when responding to her calls and texts started becoming exhausting... 👎
Basically, I’m the kind of person who has an incredibly packed schedule. Between finishing work, kids' activities, household chores, and everything else, I barely have time to catch up with my own mom or a close friend every day... let alone a new acquaintance with whom I don't even share many common interests. Aside from the kids. And that hospital stay.
To put it bluntly, her constant calling has started to really get on my nerves.

The worst part is, if I don't answer, she just calls again. Then she sends a text... then she calls again... and again. She just doesn't seem to realize she needs to back off a little and give me the chance to reach out to her. Does she not realize I'm neither deaf nor blind? I can see when she's calling; I think I know why I haven't picked up (when I haven't). But that doesn't seem to bother her at all. She just keeps going.

Technically, they are decent people. Her husband is a good guy, too. When we hang out, it's perfectly fine... but it's a far cry from feeling like we need to see them this often. We aren't lifelong best friends where this kind of intensity is the norm.
And now, I honestly don't know how to handle this.
At first, I tried coming up with excuses for why we couldn't make it for coffee or dinner, you know, whatever... It’s not that we wouldn't want to visit or host them, but I was trying to ensure it wasn't happening nearly as often as they wanted. Because that pace didn't work for us. But lately, she’s calling almost every single day, sometimes forcing it multiple times a day. It got to the point where I actually felt so repulsed (and angry) that I stopped answering her calls altogether, thinking maybe she'd get the hint or at least slow down. But no. Instead, she sends a text... then a message on Messenger... then calls again. Honestly, what the heck?!🙂🙂

I truly have no idea where this impulse comes from. All I know is that I don't know how to deal with it.
I don't want things to end between us because, over time, she's become dear to me, as has her family. But I feel under this massive amount of pressure because she's imposing an obligation on me to have half-hour conversations about nothing important every day, attend weekly dinners (these are people who celebrate everything, even a cat's birthday), or constantly expect me to show up at my front door unannounced (which has happened!) or even at my office (she would drop by my workplace when she had errands to run at the local clinic).😠

Both my husband and I work, and our schedules are jam-packed. We barely have time to properly hang out with each other, let alone nurture intense friendships with people we hardly know, who insist on this instant closeness...
I have two or three girlfriends whom I see occasionally; they also have hectic lives and families, so they don't pester me excessively. We meet up when it works for us, and we always coordinate around our responsibilities. With them, everything is relaxed, and I never feel pressured or "hunted" by constant demands. But this family is imposing this non-stop...
To give you an idea of how extreme this is, it's probably enough to say that since I met her, I have never—not once—had the opportunity (or even the desire) to be the one to call her. She is always the one initiating contact.

I'm terrified that I'll eventually have to tell her straight up that I simply can't—and don't want to—do things this way.🕺
I don't want to hurt them, and I definitely don't want to cut ties completely.

I feel stuck in this awful spot because she just isn't picking up on any of my signals. At all. It’s either that, or she's intentionally ignoring them—honestly, I can't tell anymore... It baffles me how she finds the energy and the time for such intense hangouts when they're both working full-time, dealing with kids, and don't exactly have nothing better to do than socialize all day...

What would you guys do if you were in my shoes?

Just a thought... instead of wasting energy wondering why she isn't picking up on your subtle hints, maybe take a second to look inward and ask why it's so hard for an adult to just be direct and actually say what's bothering them...😉

Jerry Wilson13, if things are actually going down the way you’re describing, her behavior is crossing the line into harassment. That needs to be shut down immediately. Seriously. Don't just ignore it, don't stall, and definitely don't lie to yourself... just set up a meeting and lay it all out for her. Bring your husband along, too. Since you guys used to hang out as a group, it would be the decent, civilized thing to do so everyone can face each other properly. Honestly, what are you even hoping to get out of her and her family when you're being so contradictory? One minute you're saying you have nothing in common, and the next you're saying you've grown fond of them and want to keep seeing them. Think about whether continuing this friendship even makes sense if you're already dealing with this much friction—especially since your schedule is already slammed with everything else you have going on. Besides, we don't even know her side of the story. For all we know, she could be facing some massive personal crisis and just wants to talk. You never really know what people are hiding behind the scenes... not even the ones you think you know well.

Honestly, the best move is to just ghost those types right from the jump—they aren't actually your friends anyway. I had this one guy once who kept bugging me for my number, and I just completely ignored him. Then later, when he finally cornered me, I told him straight up: "No." Seriously, some people are so freaking exhausting you literally need a few hours of downtime just to recover from the interaction. It’s draining. Just ignoring them is what rattles them the most. Real friends? They just get it—they don't make everything a massive, draining ordeal. The way you described this sounds like a textbook manipulator. These people thrive on stuff that you find totally miserable, and honestly, if there was ever a friendship there to begin with, that's where it ends.

Don't you ever forget to hang some deep, nihilistic quote from some random XYZ author on a wall somewhere... maybe toss in a half-baked explanation right above or below it too. You know, the kind where someone wails about how we're all drifting apart, blaming technology as this terrorist force stealing our ability to actually connect... claiming this whole distancing thing was part of some twisted, demonic plan to dehumanize us. Or maybe just look at where they're sitting—how unnecessary any actual logic is when everything is just instant, mindless forgetting... total brain fog. A massive, wide-open door for manipulation...

Our main connection points have always been that hospital stay we shared and our kids (since we both have them)... When I hinted that there wasn't enough substance for a deeper connection, I only said it because, honestly, right now—at least when it's just the two of us—we don't talk about anything else. She absolutely lives for talking about her sons; they are her entire universe. So, my conversations with her basically boil down to "my kid this" and "my kid that," and every other branch of conversation eventually funnels back into that same narrow topic.
Sometimes it doesn't bother me, but other times, I am loooosing my mind. My whole life pretty much revolves around my children as it is, so if I have to talk about nothing but that during a coffee date where I'm supposed to be relaxing... what's the point?
When we hang out with the families, though, things are much nicer. The kids play together perfectly, her husband is a genuinely good guy—even funny and entertaining—and she seems to undergo this sudden transformation where everything feels fine. So... I care about them because they are good, genuine people. They seem spontaneous and open, and I don't get the feeling they're being fake. Maybe we aren't the most "soulmate" kind of friends in the world, but I'll tell you, sometimes their company is actually really pleasant.
Unfortunately, everything gets ruined by the fact that tomorrow (right after we had dinner together and spent the previous afternoon hanging out), she calls... and wants to talk again...

I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if the problem is me. But then again, my husband finds it incredibly weird too, and it's started getting on his nerves how she constantly reaches out and insists on hanging out, so I guess it's not just us being crazy... 🤔

Someone was wondering why it's so hard for me to send a voice note... Well, when she showed up unannounced (okay, not *entirely* unannounced, she texted me when she was literally at my front door asking if she could come in... wtf!?) and my house is lit up like the Las Vegas Strip... What am I supposed to say? No, you can't come in. It's just 🙄
And at work? Forget about it... total bust. Just show up and that's that...

Oh, wait, what was I saying... It's hard for me to be blunt because I think anyone would find it difficult to communicate something like this. I'm not dealing with someone I can be subtle with (if I could have managed that by now, I probably would have, since I've tried a hundred times), but rather someone who demands that I be direct and brutally honest. And I shy away from that because I don't want anyone to feel hurt because of me. I can't believe I'm even in this situation! Who else does this happen to?🕺

The idea of me having to go to someone and say, "Look, just chill out a bit, don't call me every single day, you're becoming a burden, blah blah blah..." 🙂 😕 🙂

What the end wrote regarding the delay of the truth is spot on,
besides, you have to feel just as unsettled by your own lack of sincerity—if not more so—than you do by her being so pushy.
There’s a certain element of masochism at play here,
but regardless,
you need to take a hard look at what you’re actually feeling and what you truly don't want.
It isn't enough for people to simply be "nice."
Be honest with yourself first; once you do, telling them how you really feel will become much easier.

Morgan Chase5 said:What the end wrote regarding the delay of the truth is spot on,
besides, you have to feel just as unsettled by your own lack of sincerity—if not more so—than you do by her being so pushy.
There’s a certain element of masochism at play here,
but regardless,
you need to take a hard look at what you’re actually feeling and what you truly don't want.
It isn't enough for people to simply be "nice."
Be honest with yourself first; once you do, telling them how you really feel will become much easier.

Exactly. Everything everyone is saying makes sense. I just wanted to check in with some unbiased people to see if I’m the one with this weird aversion to what might be perfectly normal—or at least not totally inappropriate—reactions from this woman, or if she really has crossed a line. It makes you second-guess yourself. At the end of the day, even if it turns out that I *am* the "weird" one here, I still owe it to myself to be honest before I can be honest with anyone else...

Jerry Wilson13 said:Our main connection points have always been that hospital stay we shared and our kids (since we both have them)... When I hinted that there wasn't enough substance for a deeper connection, I only said it because, honestly, right now—at least when it's just the two of us—we don't talk about anything else. She absolutely lives for talking about her sons; they are her entire universe. So, my conversations with her basically boil down to "my kid this" and "my kid that," and every other branch of conversation eventually funnels back into that same narrow topic.
Sometimes it doesn't bother me, but other times, I am loooosing my mind. My whole life pretty much revolves around my children as it is, so if I have to talk about nothing but that during a coffee date where I'm supposed to be relaxing... what's the point?
When we hang out with the families, though, things are much nicer. The kids play together perfectly, her husband is a genuinely good guy—even funny and entertaining—and she seems to undergo this sudden transformation where everything feels fine. So... I care about them because they are good, genuine people. They seem spontaneous and open, and I don't get the feeling they're being fake. Maybe we aren't the most "soulmate" kind of friends in the world, but I'll tell you, sometimes their company is actually really pleasant.
Unfortunately, everything gets ruined by the fact that tomorrow (right after we had dinner together and spent the previous afternoon hanging out), she calls... and wants to talk again...

I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if the problem is me. But then again, my husband finds it incredibly weird too, and it's started getting on his nerves how she constantly reaches out and insists on hanging out, so I guess it's not just us being crazy... 🤔

Someone was wondering why it's so hard for me to send a voice note... Well, when she showed up unannounced (okay, not *entirely* unannounced, she texted me when she was literally at my front door asking if she could come in... wtf!?) and my house is lit up like the Las Vegas Strip... What am I supposed to say? No, you can't come in. It's just 🙄
And at work? Forget about it... total bust. Just show up and that's that...

Oh, wait, what was I saying... It's hard for me to be blunt because I think anyone would find it difficult to communicate something like this. I'm not dealing with someone I can be subtle with (if I could have managed that by now, I probably would have, since I've tried a hundred times), but rather someone who demands that I be direct and brutally honest. And I shy away from that because I don't want anyone to feel hurt because of me. I can't believe I'm even in this situation! Who else does this happen to?🕺

The idea of me having to go to someone and say, "Look, just chill out a bit, don't call me every single day, you're becoming a burden, blah blah blah..." 🙂 😕 🙂

Maybe try asking her to give you a heads-up next time, since you aren't a fan of people just crashing your house or your office? Or maybe just tell her that unless it's an emergency, you're busy and she can't come in. I honestly don't see how any of those phrases could be taken as a personal insult to her character... but look, if you don't set a clear, direct boundary—which doesn't mean you have to be a jerk about it—she's just going to keep "harassing" you.
And yeah, you definitely struggle with direct communication (at least with this kind of stuff). It’s like someone slaps you, you don't react, so they slap you again, and then you act surprised when it happens twice. A bit of a caricature, I know, but you get the point... For people who don't pick up on subtle hints (or choose not to), you have to be blunt, direct, and—if necessary—a little harsh. You're dealing with clingy personality types who latch onto people, especially those who seem to cater to them...

Jonathan Hayes said:Maybe try asking her to give you a heads-up next time, since you aren't a fan of people just crashing your house or your office? Or maybe just tell her that unless it's an emergency, you're busy and she can't come in. I honestly don't see how any of those phrases could be taken as a personal insult to her character... but look, if you don't set a clear, direct boundary—which doesn't mean you have to be a jerk about it—she's just going to keep "harassing" you.
And yeah, you definitely struggle with direct communication (at least with this kind of stuff). It’s like someone slaps you, you don't react, so they slap you again, and then you act surprised when it happens twice. A bit of a caricature, I know, but you get the point... For people who don't pick up on subtle hints (or choose not to), you have to be blunt, direct, and—if necessary—a little harsh. You're dealing with clingy personality types who latch onto people, especially those who seem to cater to them...

You're spot on with all of this. Especially the part in bold.

Jerry Wilson13 said:You're spot on with all of this. Especially the part in bold.

I'm not sure if the issue lies with your communication style or simply the sheer unpredictability of her behavior. I wouldn't be shocked if someone showed up at my front door unannounced either, but by the second time it happened, I’d likely ask if there was a family emergency or a sudden crisis before letting them inside.

The fundamental breakdown in communication is on her end. She failed to pick up on your subtle cues, which makes me think there isn't a polite way for you to cut her off. Furthermore, the odds of successfully restructuring this "friendship" to fit your own boundaries are slim to none.