How to deal with insecurity?

Kyle Vaughn8 said:Everyone keeps labeling me as insecure—and they use that to claim I’m totally incompetent

I recently got absolutely crushed during a performance review, and apparently, my lack of confidence is "proof" that I don't even understand my field 🤦
which is wild because I actually aced this stuff back at college—people used to rave about it 🙂

Now I’ve gotta build some serious backbone overnight... kind of like being told I have to nail an audition for a Broadway play 🙂 just to prove I'm not so timid
So, how do I actually kickstart that process? 🙂

How do you shake that fear when you're in a group setting? How do I stop telling myself to stay quiet and realize my opinion actually matters right now? Like, how do I give myself permission to jump into a conversation? 🤦

What kind of headspace should I be aiming for? Should I be using any internal mantras or something?

Maybe I’ve just been too angry or aggressive lately... 🙂🙂

Does anyone have specific techniques to get into a confident headspace?

Help a girl out 🙂

Donna White50 said:You really need to reach a point where you just stop giving a damn about what people think... like, honestly, reach a stage where it doesn't hurt your feelings if someone judges you or tries to fit you into some little box or label... 😉
Since things aren't quite there for you yet, it sounds like everyone's opinion is hitting you way too hard—it's triggering all these negative vibes and this constant pressure to please others or fear failing. But look, life is just one big series of challenges and wins. I say "challenges" instead of "failures" because if you don't meet one person's expectations, it doesn't mean you won't crush it for someone else down the road...
Once you let go of that pressure from others—which, let's be real, is mostly stuff you're putting on yourself anyway—you'll finally see a straight shot toward what you want in life. You won't be constantly veering off course because of other people's noise; you'll just take their input as a suggestion, and then move on if it doesn't fit... 😉
As for techniques, there are a million ways to handle it, just like there are a million different types of people. Deep down, you already know how to tell yourself, "Whatever, I don't care" when people talk trash. Just remind yourself that you're smart, capable, and enough... and then just smile and keep moving... 😉

It’s true—being a decent person just makes you a target for people who treat you like a doormat, right? They'll just walk all over you with that total lack of respect... honestly.
And you—just because you want things to be perfect, you're actually kind of weak—you know?

Ž

Life is really just this big mix of wins and setbacks—and I’m calling them challenges on purpose, not failures... because honestly? Just because you didn't hit the mark for one person doesn't mean you won't crush it for someone else later on.

Yeah, thanks—that actually helps me out a ton.
So when they tried telling me I wasn't safe—like, seriously?—I just told them straight up that isn't some fixed thing... I'm constantly evolving, you know? It’s all subject to change.
What was so weird about them?
I don't get why everyone's losing their minds over that statement—like, seriously, what's the big deal? 🤔

Once you finally stop letting that pressure get to you—which, let's be real, is mostly just stuff you're making up in your own head anyway—you’ll finally see that straight shot toward everything you actually want out of life. No more wasting energy on side quests or dead ends, right? People won't be able to drain your battery or knock you off course anymore... you'll just take their input as a suggestion, maybe, and then move on with your day.😉

Yeah, truth.
I’m not really taking that last bit of criticism to heart as "advice"—because, like I said before, feeling insecure is just something you work through, right?
Except for those few split seconds during the day when doubt actually creeps in—you know?
So how do you even kill that doubt once it starts stinging? Like—what do you do when the whole damn crowd turns on you at once?

There are a million different ways to handle things—just like there are a million different kinds of people out there. You know better than anyone how to just say "I don't give a damn" about what others have to say... I’m smart enough, beautiful enough, and capable enough as it is... and honestly? I can still smile right after.😉

Honestly, one solid trick is just looking back at all those times people told me I couldn't pull something off—and then remembering how I went ahead and proved them dead wrong. Isn't that the best kind of fuel?

I just don't get why people feel so entitled to constantly judge everyone else—you know, always in that negative way? Like, why is that everyone's favorite hobby?

Kyle Vaughn8;58117527 said:

That’s just facts, and honestly, it makes you want to be nice to everyone, but then people just walk all over you like some kind of welcome mat—just totally rude and arrogant
and because you're trying to be a good person, they see you as weak

Ž
yeah, thanks, that really helps me out a ton
because when they told me I was insecure, I just told them straight up—that’s not set in stone, it's something that can change
which seemed to weird them out for some reason
I don't get why they're acting so shocked by that, seriously... 🤔
true enough
I'm not taking this last bit of negative criticism to heart since, like I said, insecurity is just something you work on
except for those few moments during the day where doubt just creeps in...
so how do you kill that thorn of doubt? specifically when it feels like the whole world is ganging up on you?

well, one solid trick is definitely looking back at all the times people told me I couldn't do something, and then I went ahead and proved them wrong

it just bugs me why people feel entitled to constantly judge everyone else, like, always in such a negative way?

You didn't say what actually happened, but people usually pounce the second they smell someone struggling with self-doubt. That's just human nature—they look for someone they can send to "grab a pack of Marlboros" just so they can feel important, successful, or in charge. In life, you've gotta make sure you don't fall into that role of the errand runner—the one who doesn't believe in themselves and lets others pull their strings... because once you start playing that part, people slap that label on you and you can't shake it, no matter how hard you try...
You have to practice saying no, learn how to politely tell someone to back off, and take the lead more often—standing up for what you want and need, showing your skills, and bringing others along with your own vision. It builds your status in their eyes while letting you be yourself... It sounds kind of shallow when you say it out loud, but that's how it works. If you walk into a Target looking like you just rolled out of bed, the cashier might look down on you... but if you show up dressed sharp and carry yourself like you've got it all figured out, they'll treat you with total respect... it's silly, but that's how people perceive things, and it's why you can sell anyone anything if you play the part... 😉

Look, you graduated college—you've got the actual proof right there that you're a capable, smart woman... how many more diplomas do you need before you believe it? Besides, people who finished even the toughest schools know they're competent, so they don't feel the need to prove it to anyone—it's a waste of time. You're at work to do your job and climb the ladder, maybe make some more money (if that's your goal). Other people are your competition, even if you call them colleagues and grab coffee with them (assuming they're decent people). You don't owe anyone an explanation for who you are, unless it's actually hurting your performance, in which case you deal with that... and even then, never let others see your flaws or insecurities, otherwise they'll just use them against you...

Donna White50 said:You didn't really say what happened—but people love to jump on you when they sense you're acting out of insecurity.

People are just wired that way—they look for someone to send on "errands" just so they can feel important and successful themselves. You have to be careful not to let them cast you in that role—the one who lacks self-belief and is easily manipulated... because once you start playing that part, people slap that label on you and you can't shake it, no matter how hard you try.

You have to practice saying no, learn how to politely shut someone down, and take the lead—asserting your own needs and skills while pulling others into your vision. That's how you gain respect and actually express who you are... It sounds cynical, but it's reality. If you walk into a store looking like a construction worker, the clerk might see you as some "struggling guy" who hasn't made it... but walk in wearing a sharp suit with confident body language, and they'll treat you like royalty. It's shallow, but that's how perception works, and it's how people sell smoke and mirrors on a massive scale.😉

Look, you graduated college—you have the actual credentials proving you're smart and capable... how many more pieces of paper do you need to convince yourself? Besides, plenty of people who didn't go to fancy schools know they're competent, so they don't waste time trying to prove it to everyone. You're at work to do your job and move up the ladder—to make more money (if that's what you want). Other people are your competition; you might call them colleagues and grab coffee with them (if they're decent), but that's it. You don't owe anyone an explanation for who you are unless it's actively hurting your performance... and even then, don't show your cracks to others. They'll just use it against you...

silverranger14 said:Honestly, I think you’re way smarter than most people realize. It feels like even those close to you might be throwing shade just to keep you from outshining them. They want to crush that confidence of yours.

The stuff you know—it probably intimidates people. Stop playing defense. Start reading them, stay ahead of the curve, and take control. Get out from behind that shield and actually run the game.

Don't just settle for proving you're good at what you do. That's too easy. Aim higher—grow as a person and shift the whole paradigm. Make it your own.

Maybe I misread the situation, but I can't help being drawn to this...

silverranger14 said:Honestly, I think you’re way smarter than most people realize. It feels like even those close to you might be throwing shade just to keep you from outshining them. They want to crush that confidence of yours.

The stuff you know—it probably intimidates people. Stop playing defense. Start reading them, stay ahead of the curve, and take control. Get out from behind that shield and actually run the game.

Don't just settle for proving you're good at what you do. That's too easy. Aim higher—grow as a person and shift the whole paradigm. Make it your own.

Maybe I misread the situation, but I can't help being drawn to this...

I wouldn't say I'm some genius or anything, but I am dialing back my ego and realizing I have to take the initiative, just like you said.
Because staying in the background just makes people think you're clueless—that's the lesson I've learned. 🤷 That's what I've realized now. 🙂
Now, I don't want to be the center of attention; that feels tacky and arrogant to me.
But then you see others who are totally incompetent, babbling nonsense, yet acting like that guy Donna White50 mentioned at the grocery store.

I met this girl at work who constantly brags about how smart she is... what do you guys think? Is that actually smart?
I get that it might be more effective than my "don't show off" tactic, but... 🤔

I'm never sharing my weaknesses with anyone ever again... they swarm you like hyenas. 🤦

But now I'm just confused.

Is it true that people only respect those who play small, like some kind of losers?

When I was in that meeting where those people attacked me, I was being blunt and assertive, and it was like they had some sort of emotional breakthrough.
I honestly don't get what they want from me.
Like some pathetic sadists. 🤦 🤦

Kyle Vaughn8 said:I remember reading somewhere in some old philosophy journal that doubt is actually a sign of wisdom...

I’m constantly doubting things—mostly myself, honestly 🙈—but I guess people just take me for a fool because of it

Actually, not just a fool, but a total idiot 🙂

Why is it that people who act the most arrogant are always the ones who think they're the smartest? 🤷

silverranger14 said:The kind of doubt they mean is critical thinking—that's the wisdom part. Not second-guessing yourself. It's about using doubt to clear away the nonsense and being willing to change your mind when the facts prove you wrong.

Your colleagues aren't wrong; why would anyone trust someone who sounds unsure of what they're saying?

Don't dilute your expertise with all this unnecessary overthinking. Just show them you know your stuff.

Stop wandering off and just get shit done.

Stop watering down your expertise with all this unnecessary overthinking and "feelings"—just show some edge.

Kyle Vaughn8 said:Well, it's the truth, isn't it?
Even if everyone else is secretly second-guessing themselves too...
they just don't let it show.

Stop watering down your expertise with all this unnecessary overthinking and "feelings"—just show some edge.

Man, that was a hell of a lesson for me.
It's not just about projecting confidence to the world—even when you aren't feeling it—
it's also about how people try to actively undermine others' confidence just to make themselves look better.☕

Kyle Vaughn8 said:Could you maybe break this down a bit more—without all the Fantasy? What's your take on that?

Kyle Vaughn8 said:I remember reading somewhere in some old philosophy journal that doubt is actually a sign of wisdom...

I’m constantly doubting things—mostly myself, honestly 🙈—but I guess people just take me for a fool because of it

Actually, not just a fool, but a total idiot 🙂

Why is it that people who act the most arrogant are always the ones who think they're the smartest? 🤷

Donna White50 said:Nah, you can't go around doubting yourself like that—not ever. And man, especially don't go thinking poorly of yourself in front of other people... just don't...
It feels like most people just spend all their energy pointing fingers at everyone else—it’s way too easy to blame others... but you really gotta take that time to look inward once you get home. Like, when you finally clock out from work, give yourself some space to actually sit with it and process everything that went sideways during the day...
Look, this job is a total shark tank—you just have to prove you can hold your own at the very least, and if you’re actually looking to climb the ladder, you gotta show everyone else is beneath you... It basically boils down to constant hustle—showing interest, dropping smart solutions, being the one who pushes everyone to act and create, and keeping the team vibes high. But yeah, you also gotta be smart enough to cover your tracks when you mess up, or better yet, just spread the blame around so it doesn't stick to you. You gotta play the game with the bosses and partners, too—smooth talk your way into their good graces while quietly stepping over anyone trying to compete with you. Once you walk through those office doors, honestly? Just leave the whole "collegiality and morals" thing at home. That stuff is for fairy tales... real life—especially the corporate grind—is a whole different beast...
Look, if you trip up even once, people are just gonna be hovering, waiting for you to fall... It’s like your failure automatically drags down the whole scale, giving everyone else a free pass to climb over you. They get to shine by stepping on your mistakes—basically using your setbacks as their own stepping stones. Like, if Mark is a shaky, insecure employee and someone can pin his errors on him, then John—who might be just as bad—suddenly looks like a superstar by comparison. John isn't the one getting canned first; it'll be Mark, because he basically turned himself into the office scapegoat...😉

silverranger14 said:You seriously think insecurity just magically turns someone into a seasoned narcissist? In what universe? How certain are you that if someone follows your advice, they won't just end up as a total loser who ruins the team vibe and then gets kicked to the curb?

Personally, I don't buy that you have a narcissist hiding inside you or that playing dirty is your style. I don't think there's an "instant fix" for you. It's going to take actual work on your character—setting precise short-term and long-term goals without getting distracted or wandering off track.
It's hard work. Something I started doing myself once, and honestly, it paid off big time.

My own insecurity was massive, caused by everything and anything (maybe yours is too, but let's stay on topic). But I see you building that "maker" mindset. Keep training that inner craftsman every day, and you'll come out stronger.

Donna White50 said:Nah, you can't go around doubting yourself like that—not ever. And man, especially don't go thinking poorly of yourself in front of other people... just don't...
It feels like most people just spend all their energy pointing fingers at everyone else—it’s way too easy to blame others... but you really gotta take that time to look inward once you get home. Like, when you finally clock out from work, give yourself some space to actually sit with it and process everything that went sideways during the day...
Look, this job is a total shark tank—you just have to prove you can hold your own at the very least, and if you’re actually looking to climb the ladder, you gotta show everyone else is beneath you... It basically boils down to constant hustle—showing interest, dropping smart solutions, being the one who pushes everyone to act and create, and keeping the team vibes high. But yeah, you also gotta be smart enough to cover your tracks when you mess up, or better yet, just spread the blame around so it doesn't stick to you. You gotta play the game with the bosses and partners, too—smooth talk your way into their good graces while quietly stepping over anyone trying to compete with you. Once you walk through those office doors, honestly? Just leave the whole "collegiality and morals" thing at home. That stuff is for fairy tales... real life—especially the corporate grind—is a whole different beast...
Look, if you trip up even once, people are just gonna be hovering, waiting for you to fall... It’s like your failure automatically drags down the whole scale, giving everyone else a free pass to climb over you. They get to shine by stepping on your mistakes—basically using your setbacks as their own stepping stones. Like, if Mark is a shaky, insecure employee and someone can pin his errors on him, then John—who might be just as bad—suddenly looks like a superstar by comparison. John isn't the one getting canned first; it'll be Mark, because he basically turned himself into the office scapegoat...😉

True, but you have to cycle through a few companies before you become that cynical...
I haven't gotten there yet, but my last job was a huge reality check—there was zero teamwork there.
And honestly? What looks like teamwork usually isn't.👍

If you trip up even slightly, others will be right there waiting to pounce. Your failure automatically lowers the bar for everyone else—it gives people who haven't earned it a chance to shine by stepping over your mistakes and using you as a stepping stone... If Mark is a bad, insecure employee whom they can pin failures on, then John—who might be just as mediocre—suddenly looks like a superstar because he won't be the first one fired. Mark becomes the scapegoat...😉

Yeah, I agree. That’s exactly why I ended up where I am now.
There are plenty of people worse than me, but right now, I'm the only sacrificial lamb in the room.
Now I just have to rebuild my reputation from scratch.

Kyle Vaughn8;58134069 said:
Quincy Jones:

Yeah, but you gotta bounce through a few companies before you get that jaded vibe I haven't hit that point yet, but my last job was definitely a wake-up call—there’s zero teamwork there And even when things look friendly on the surface, they really aren't 👍 Totally agree, honestly, that's why I ended up here, because there are plenty of people way worse than me, but right now, I'm basically the only sacrificial lamb in the room now I've gotta rebuild my reputation from scratch

Look, you don't need to cycle through dozens of places to figure this out. It's way better to just find someone who gets it, see them as a mentor, and learn from how they handle stuff.
What I notice with people who were raised "properly" is that constant, nagging fear that kicks in if you aren't being perfect—like, you have to be useful, precise, humble, quiet, listening... all that. We carry that baggage from home, straight from our parents...
You've just got to learn how to break out of that, you know? Find a way to snap out of it internally. Saying "no," or just telling someone to back off when they haven't learned manners, is probably one of the hardest things in the world. Then comes the fear of getting fired if you didn't follow every single rule to a T, and it just becomes this endless drain on your energy. It gets even sketchier if you try to ask coworkers for some grace when you mess up—some might give it to you, but the second you turn your back, they’ll use it against you... You really have to shift your mindset. A company isn't the same as your childhood home, and you can't just be the "good kid." You have to learn to watch your own back, do what makes sense for you, say no so you don't become a workhorse, and set boundaries so people actually respect you instead of making you a joke...

Being a sacrificial lamb doesn't mean you're incompetent. Honestly, a lot of incompetent people are pros at wearing masks to hide their flaws and make themselves look better—they let others do their heavy lifting, pass the buck, suck up to the bosses, act sweet, or boss everyone else around. You become the sacrificial lamb the moment you let people walk all over you... once you become the doormat, they'll dump everything on you and just treat you like dirt... it's a rough spot to be in where you're giving more than everyone else, but they treat you like you're the least important person there... it's pure psychology, really...