Dating a "normal" person vs. someone "unstable.

Brenda Hughes2 said:This really brings up some new questions. 🙂 What happens if you finally find your footing and start feeling better, but your partner doesn't? Or vice versa? Does it even matter? I wonder, can an unstable partner actually motivate you to become a healthier version of yourself? 🙂

I really think they can. 🙂

"Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?" - Dave Grohl

Brenda Hughes2 said:This really brings up some new questions. 🙂 What happens if you finally find your footing and start feeling better, but your partner doesn't? Or vice versa? Does it even matter? I wonder, can an unstable partner actually motivate you to become a healthier version of yourself? 🙂

Hmm, that could potentially be an issue.

Then we make a blood oath—you know, like a handshake agreement—that neither of us walks away until we’ve both made it back to solid ground. 😁

If you break your word, it’s ritual suicide.

I find it difficult to even define what people mean when they talk about "searching for a normal person." What does that actually entail? Are you just wandering around looking for someone exceptionally emotionally stable because it’s supposedly better for you? 🙂
The reality is, you probably won't find them—mostly because there won't be that mutual spark or attraction to pull you together in the first place.

In my experience, you tend to gravitate toward someone with a similar level of emotional stability at any given stage of life; essentially, people act as mirrors to your own personality.
It might not be obvious right away—sometimes it's something buried deep within you—and from a distance, it might even look like the opposite, but I'm fairly certain that's how it works.

This is especially true with people dealing with emotional struggles; partners often end up trying to "fix" one another, attempting to patch up each other's flaws. It becomes this transactional dynamic—a sort of "you provide this, and I'll provide that" setup. 😁

However, I believe the foundation for a truly "healthy" relationship requires that neither person is looking to fill a void or merge their identity into the other. For a relationship to work properly, two fully realized, stable individuals need to enter it without being codependent.
And let's be clear—relationships can certainly exist without those conditions being met, but the question is really about how much emotional chaos you're willing to endure.

Steven Walker5 said:I find it difficult to even define what people mean when they talk about "searching for a normal person." What does that actually entail? Are you just wandering around looking for someone exceptionally emotionally stable because it’s supposedly better for you? 🙂
The reality is, you probably won't find them—mostly because there won't be that mutual spark or attraction to pull you together in the first place.

In my experience, you tend to gravitate toward someone with a similar level of emotional stability at any given stage of life; essentially, people act as mirrors to your own personality.
It might not be obvious right away—sometimes it's something buried deep within you—and from a distance, it might even look like the opposite, but I'm fairly certain that's how it works.

This is especially true with people dealing with emotional struggles; partners often end up trying to "fix" one another, attempting to patch up each other's flaws. It becomes this transactional dynamic—a sort of "you provide this, and I'll provide that" setup. 😁

However, I believe the foundation for a truly "healthy" relationship requires that neither person is looking to fill a void or merge their identity into the other. For a relationship to work properly, two fully realized, stable individuals need to enter it without being codependent.
And let's be clear—relationships can certainly exist without those conditions being met, but the question is really about how much emotional chaos you're willing to endure.

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

Steven Walker5 said:I find it difficult to even define what people mean when they talk about "searching for a normal person." What does that actually entail? Are you just wandering around looking for someone exceptionally emotionally stable because it’s supposedly better for you? 🙂
The reality is, you probably won't find them—mostly because there won't be that mutual spark or attraction to pull you together in the first place.

In my experience, you tend to gravitate toward someone with a similar level of emotional stability at any given stage of life; essentially, people act as mirrors to your own personality.
It might not be obvious right away—sometimes it's something buried deep within you—and from a distance, it might even look like the opposite, but I'm fairly certain that's how it works.

This is especially true with people dealing with emotional struggles; partners often end up trying to "fix" one another, attempting to patch up each other's flaws. It becomes this transactional dynamic—a sort of "you provide this, and I'll provide that" setup. 😁

However, I believe the foundation for a truly "healthy" relationship requires that neither person is looking to fill a void or merge their identity into the other. For a relationship to work properly, two fully realized, stable individuals need to enter it without being codependent.
And let's be clear—relationships can certainly exist without those conditions being met, but the question is really about how much emotional chaos you're willing to endure.

In short, I will stay single forever. 🕺

Chris Robinson25 said:Yeah, normal because they don't deal with mental health stuff.

I usually run into that first type.

I mean... saying someone "has or doesn't have mental health issues" is such a massive, vague umbrella term.
If we actually break it down like this:

a) someone dealing with psychosis
b) someone with neuroticism who’s actually doing the work (they have self-awareness and are trying to improve their quality of life)
c) someone with neuroticism who isn't doing the work (no real insight into their issues, no attempt to make life better)

d) someone without a diagnosis who just lacks any capacity for perspective or understanding different ways of being e) someone without a diagnosis who actually possesses empathy and the ability to understand others

Personally... I'd be perfectly fine starting a relationship with anyone from groups B through E.😁

So where does that leave the depressed folks who are actually making killer progress, even if they’re still total weirdos? 😬

jadelynx2 said:In short, I will stay single forever. 🕺

And that sentence right there—that’s the crux of it. The fact that you’re worrying about being alone is actually proof that you're looking for someone else to fill in the gaps. It’s as if you think you'll remain "incomplete" unless you find that "other half."

I don't want to sound like some New Age guru, but we really need to stop looking for another person to make us happy or complete our lives.
Only we can actually do that ourselves—through personal growth. And no, it isn't easy, but it's certainly not as impossible as we tend to believe. 😁

It isn't a simple issue, either—our entire society teaches us this way. Every movie, every book, every story we encounter while growing up reinforces the idea that there's "that one person" out there meant for us—some kind of soulmate connection that merges two people into one and brings total happiness. Been there, done that... 😛

Chris Robinson25 said:So where does that leave the depressed folks who are actually making killer progress, even if they’re still total weirdos? 😬

Under B 🙂
Being a "weirdo," or just being unconventional and different... that isn't a mental disorder. Honestly, for some people, it might even be considered a charming or desirable trait...

Jonathan Hayes said:Under B 🙂
Being a "weirdo," or just being unconventional and different... that isn't a mental disorder. Honestly, for some people, it might even be considered a charming or desirable trait...

So, what you're saying is I've actually got a shot if I go for it. Awesome. 😬

Steven Walker5 said:And that sentence right there—that’s the crux of it. The fact that you’re worrying about being alone is actually proof that you're looking for someone else to fill in the gaps. It’s as if you think you'll remain "incomplete" unless you find that "other half."

I don't want to sound like some New Age guru, but we really need to stop looking for another person to make us happy or complete our lives.
Only we can actually do that ourselves—through personal growth. And no, it isn't easy, but it's certainly not as impossible as we tend to believe. 😁

It isn't a simple issue, either—our entire society teaches us this way. Every movie, every book, every story we encounter while growing up reinforces the idea that there's "that one person" out there meant for us—some kind of soulmate connection that merges two people into one and brings total happiness. Been there, done that... 😛

Well, maybe you're right and it's better to just be single, since God knows what kind of woman could actually put up with me.

So now I'm working on myself every single day, but where does it actually lead? The more I learn, the more I realize how clueless and much of a total failure I really am.

I deal with plenty of negative thoughts, but I keep pushing forward regardless, mostly because I don't have any other choice.

I look around at everyone else and see how fast they're moving up, becoming successful, while I'm just stuck going at my own pace. It makes me wonder if I'm just that incompetent.

tl;dr - gotta work on yourself.

Chris Robinson25 said:So, what you're saying is I've actually got a shot if I go for it. Awesome. 😬

Why not? There are plenty of girls—myself included—who aren't really looking for the "standard" guy. We actually prefer someone who doesn't quite fit the mold... someone with a little quirk or a weird personality trait that sets them apart. Of course, if you're looking at something long-term, you just want to make sure that little flaw isn't something that makes living with them a total nightmare 🙂

Jonathan Hayes said:Why not? There are plenty of girls—myself included—who aren't really looking for the "standard" guy. We actually prefer someone who doesn't quite fit the mold... someone with a little quirk or a weird personality trait that sets them apart. Of course, if you're looking at something long-term, you just want to make sure that little flaw isn't something that makes living with them a total nightmare 🙂

I don't know what to do. I have this feeling she's just my type and we’d probably click perfectly, but I really don't want to hurt anyone. Then again, if I don't go for it, I'll just spend the rest of my life wondering, "What if?" Anyway, I'm still a mess. 😬

jadelynx2 said:In short, I will stay single forever. 🕺

Honestly? Same here. I think I've reached that exact same conclusion.
It seems like "stable" guys don't want to deal with messy women, while I—well, I have zero interest in dating those "unhinged" types anymore. Every single one of them drives me straight to a therapist's office. At this point, I'd much rather be alone and peaceful than in a relationship that lands me in a psychiatric ward. He doesn't need to be some perfect specimen; he just needs to not drive me insane. Which, I guess, means finding someone emotionally stable—at least enough to function. I'm not looking for some "knight in shining armor" to fix my life; I've actually gotten pretty good at managing my own head over the years. But I'd settle for someone who isn't going to shred my nerves on a daily basis. And, ideally, someone who isn't incredibly boring...
:clapping:

Long story short...
I'll probably be flying solo for the rest of my life. 👎

Maria Price3 said:Honestly? Same here. I think I've reached that exact same conclusion.
It seems like "stable" guys don't want to deal with messy women, while I—well, I have zero interest in dating those "unhinged" types anymore. Every single one of them drives me straight to a therapist's office. At this point, I'd much rather be alone and peaceful than in a relationship that lands me in a psychiatric ward. He doesn't need to be some perfect specimen; he just needs to not drive me insane. Which, I guess, means finding someone emotionally stable—at least enough to function. I'm not looking for some "knight in shining armor" to fix my life; I've actually gotten pretty good at managing my own head over the years. But I'd settle for someone who isn't going to shred my nerves on a daily basis. And, ideally, someone who isn't incredibly boring...
:clapping:

Long story short...
I'll probably be flying solo for the rest of my life. 👎

Crazy cat lady!

jadelynx2 said:Crazy cat lady!

Yeah, 🙂

Jonathan Hayes said:I mean... saying someone "has or doesn't have mental health issues" is such a massive, vague umbrella term.
If we actually break it down like this:

a) someone dealing with psychosis
b) someone with neuroticism who’s actually doing the work (they have self-awareness and are trying to improve their quality of life)
c) someone with neuroticism who isn't doing the work (no real insight into their issues, no attempt to make life better)

d) someone without a diagnosis who just lacks any capacity for perspective or understanding different ways of being e) someone without a diagnosis who actually possesses empathy and the ability to understand others

Personally... I'd be perfectly fine starting a relationship with anyone from groups B through E.😁

But what about those in the middle—even if we use precise clinical terms to describe someone sitting right between a) and b)? 😁How would you categorize them? 😛

Chris Robinson25 said:I’d love to keep this thread right here because I have a specific question about my particular "situation."

Long story short, I’ve got a crush on someone. Lately, I've found myself drawn to girls who deal with mental health diagnoses, mostly because they actually give me what I'm looking for. I need mutual support and genuine empathy—things I just haven't found with "neurotypical" guys. Honestly, I'm just relieved I can open up to her without worrying she’ll laugh at me or judge me. With most regular guys, if I mention anything personal, the reaction is usually just: 😲 + 🙂 .

The reason I’m posting is that my former therapist thinks I should be looking for a "healthy" partner, which I really don't buy. 😬 My mom feels the exact same way. I haven't asked my current doctor yet, but I definitely plan to. 😁

Anyway, for those of you in relationships—whether your partner has a diagnosis or not—what’s it like? Are you happy with your choice? Do you find that level of understanding even when things might seem "unclear" to the outside world?

Let me know. 😁

You basically have your own specific struggle here.
And you want to carry that weight around for the rest of your life.
Because, plain and simple, you don't actually want a "normal," healthy life.

You aren't even trying to fix the root cause of any of this.

jadelynx2 said:Well, maybe you're right and it's better to just be single, since God knows what kind of woman could actually put up with me.

So now I'm working on myself every single day, but where does it actually lead? The more I learn, the more I realize how clueless and much of a total failure I really am.

I deal with plenty of negative thoughts, but I keep pushing forward regardless, mostly because I don't have any other choice.

I look around at everyone else and see how fast they're moving up, becoming successful, while I'm just stuck going at my own pace. It makes me wonder if I'm just that incompetent.

tl;dr - gotta work on yourself.

It sounds to me like you're spending way too much energy obsessing over your own psyche, whereas those "successful" people you're watching aren't wasting time spiraling about their self-worth—they're just pouring all that focus into specific skill sets or business ventures.
Truthfully, it might just be a matter of procrastination or lacking the guts to actually pull the trigger on a big decision... NHF 🙂

darkwolf19 said:It sounds to me like you're spending way too much energy obsessing over your own psyche, whereas those "successful" people you're watching aren't wasting time spiraling about their self-worth—they're just pouring all that focus into specific skill sets or business ventures.
Truthfully, it might just be a matter of procrastination or lacking the guts to actually pull the trigger on a big decision... NHF 🙂

Exactly.