Lonely hearts and empty apartments

To all my fellow bloggers, known and unknown,
I’ve spent a long time reading through your comments, some of them clever, some funny, some entertaining, and some just plain nonsense—but that’s just how it goes. However, there is another side to life. I want to start a thread about that other, darker side. Here is my situation:
I am 62 years old, I have a solid marriage, and we’re doing alright financially—nothing ever really went missing for us. We had 34 good years like that. Then, out of nowhere, cancer appeared, spreading its metastases and starting to consume my wife. Despite all the treatments, chemo, surgeries, and radiation, it keeps eating away at her. It reached her brain and turned my wife into a vegetable. She is currently in a hospice facility while I stay home. I am losing my mind and seeing psychiatrists. They give me their clinical speeches, and my friends and relatives try to comfort me, but that only lasts an hour or two before they head back to their happy families, leaving me alone in this empty house. I rely on Xanax and similar chemicals just to get four or five hours of sleep. I would like to hear from bloggers who are facing similar issues—widows and widowers—who can help me navigate this crisis, because the end is very close and I don't know how to handle it. Thanks in advance for any advice.
P.S.
And finally (cruel as it may sound), how am I supposed to survive my remaining ten years within these four walls?

Man, reading this was honestly pretty rough.
I don't even know how to offer any real comfort besides just saying... hang in there. I truly believe you aren't alone in this, and your wife is still right there with you, watching over you until you guys get to reunite somewhere better one day.

Any kids?

I feel you. Being alone after all those years together is rough. But honestly, the only move is finding a new crowd with the same vibe and just putting yourself out there. Maybe not right this second if you aren't ready, but eventually... As for things here in the US, most people are either younger or middle-aged. You might find some folks on the Psychology subreddit who have dealt with losing someone close or dealing with illness and stuff. Or maybe someone here will reach out via DM with similar stories...

Laura Williams73 said:To all my fellow bloggers, known and unknown,
I’ve spent a long time reading through your comments, some of them clever, some funny, some entertaining, and some just plain nonsense—but that’s just how it goes. However, there is another side to life. I want to start a thread about that other, darker side. Here is my situation:
I am 62 years old, I have a solid marriage, and we’re doing alright financially—nothing ever really went missing for us. We had 34 good years like that. Then, out of nowhere, cancer appeared, spreading its metastases and starting to consume my wife. Despite all the treatments, chemo, surgeries, and radiation, it keeps eating away at her. It reached her brain and turned my wife into a vegetable. She is currently in a hospice facility while I stay home. I am losing my mind and seeing psychiatrists. They give me their clinical speeches, and my friends and relatives try to comfort me, but that only lasts an hour or two before they head back to their happy families, leaving me alone in this empty house. I rely on Xanax and similar chemicals just to get four or five hours of sleep. I would like to hear from bloggers who are facing similar issues—widows and widowers—who can help me navigate this crisis, because the end is very close and I don't know how to handle it. Thanks in advance for any advice.
P.S.
And finally (cruel as it may sound), how am I supposed to survive my remaining ten years within these four walls?

Let's just lay the facts out on the table... you're a healthy, active guy with a decent setup in your golden years. Now is actually the time to enjoy the fruits of your labor in retirement and do whatever you want, because you've actually got plenty of time left. Losing the person who was your partner through thick and thin hits a man hard. If you can't—or won't—start thinking about yourself and the time you have left, there isn't anyone who can just give you a magic piece of advice to make you feel positive or help you get over your wife.
Just give yourself time to grieve, and give yourself a shot at enjoying life again. That's entirely up to you. Even if it feels meaningless right now, it just means you haven't found that meaning yet, and you have to work for it. Look, life is a struggle, and you can't ever just give up on that fight. You have endless possibilities—hang out with people your own age, travel, pick up a hobby, read, walk, joke around, meet new people, volunteer, post on forums, share your experiences, or try something totally new that you never had the chance to do before. If depression is holding you down, it might be worth being on antidepressants for a while just to get a little lift. Just realize that no matter how tough fate gets, it's part of life. Everyone goes through stuff like this sooner or later, and you just have to try to accept it, look for the silver lining, and keep moving forward...😉

There’s a PDF focused on Health titled Support for families dealing with cancer and other serious illnesses (). You'll find various people there sharing similar struggles. While you can certainly find comfort here, you might find more resonance with those going through the exact same thing over there... it might be worth a look.

Try to cut back on the pills 🙂 I’m not sure if you have kids or what your relationship with them is like, but maybe it would be a good idea to spend some time with them once in a while. Or something along those lines. You don't have to move in with them, but having them close might actually do you some good 🙂

I understand this situation quite well because my grandfather passed away last October. My grandmother was all alone until February when my mom and I moved in with her, and that made a world of difference 😍 In moments like these, being alone is the worst thing you can do. Sure, family and friends will visit you, but that’s only for a few hours at most. After they leave, you’re just left with that emptiness again. I know how heavy that sudden silence can feel. But when someone is actually there with you, it feels different. It’s a little tough to adjust at first 😁 BUT it isn't impossible, and life becomes much brighter...

Our grandmother was incredibly against the idea of having my dog in the apartment with us, but honestly, that was my one condition for moving in. I simply won't go anywhere without him 😍😛 And believe me, that dog lifted her spirits more than you could imagine. I’d even go as far as saying he helped her more than my mom and I did. Since I’m away at college and my mom is at work, he’s the one who stays by her side. They talk, they go for walks, they play together, things like that 😍 A pet can truly change your life, if you just give them a chance 🙂 So, my suggestion is to perhaps consider adopting a dog.

And yes, every loss is painful, especially when it happens like this. My grandfather was supposed to enter hospice care, but he passed away a day or two before he could get there. Every loss is a process of grieving and learning to accept things as they are. But I truly believe our loved ones who pass on still hold a place in our lives, and we should try our best not to become mere shadows of the people they once knew because of them. It’s okay to grieve, but please don't be self-destructive. Pills are often just an escape from reality and the heavy emotions we have to face

I always try to flip the perspective and wonder how I would feel if I passed away and somehow knew that my loved ones were suffering because of my death. I mean, obviously, grieving is natural, BUT I wouldn't feel right knowing my passing was preventing them from truly living their own lives. That’s something worth reflecting on...

Anyway, I don't know what else to say besides wishing you the strength to keep moving forward.
Because when the inevitable happens—like when your wife loses her battle with illness—you’re going to need your family. You need to be open to help rather than pushing it away. Especially if there are grandkids involved. It is so incredibly hard to watch a grandmother or grandfather suffer and feel like you’re walking on eggshells because you aren't sure how to act.

A little over six months ago, losing the person closest to me really shook my foundation, so I truly empathize with what you're going through. There isn't much to say other than death is hard, but it is a natural part of life that eventually has to be accepted. I suspect you would say the same things to me if roles were reversed. I realize you probably feel trapped in a loop right now with no way out, but there is a way through... it’s called acceptance and the will to live.

I know this might sound like strange advice, but try to look at it through a different lens. Look at your life as a whole. You shared so many wonderful years with your wife; some people get far fewer than that. I know that sounds harsh, but I want to be honest and say what most people are afraid to admit: you aren't getting any younger, and if you believe in an afterlife, you'll be reunited with her before long...

I've seen firsthand how devastating cancer can be. With my grandmother, grandfather, and father all battling it, I know it isn't just a physical struggle—it's a relentless mental war every single day. So, if you're feeling overwhelmed, just look at your wife. Think about how she refused to back down from her own fight until the very end. Try to channel that same grit when things get dark and you feel like giving up. Do it for her... 😘

Dear driftingbear29, excuse the bluntness, but it’s actually quite sweet when someone who doesn't even know you offers such kind words of comfort. First off, if you ever decide to reach out again, there's no need for all that formal "sir" business; regardless of age, I still feel young at heart. I love Rock, Punk, Metal, Disco, and anything with a decent beat, though I haven't even turned my speakers on in months. I actually picked up the latest Slayer album we spent three years waiting for, but just like the last 2,000 records I've bought, it's just sitting on the shelf unplayed. I know losing a grandmother, grandfather, father, or mother is hard, but you eventually have to accept it as the natural order of things. My wife was born in 1960, making her over six years younger than me, so I was quietly hoping I’d be the one to go first. We have a son who isn't married yet and is currently living with us. Still, the void is massive; sometimes in the morning, one of us will brew some black coffee and set three mugs on the table before realizing what we've done. As for pets, I have a beautiful black cat named Ljubica tatin, but ever since this illness hit, she's been acting completely erratic. She refuses to walk on the floor, instead leaping from chair to chair and onto the cabinets, and now she sleeps right on the kitchen table. She wouldn't even use her two litter boxes, so we ended up rigging up a makeshift one on two stools in the kitchen just so she'd stop using the sink. It's ruined the kitchen, but we don't cook anymore anyway. We basically live out of our rooms, surviving on takeout and just drifting through life. Regarding eternal life, neither my wife nor I belong in those spiritual realms, so I’d trade a thousand years of eternity just for one more year on this earth. Don't worry about the medication; it's not an extreme dose, just 3mg of Normabel three times a day, but without it, sleep is impossible. Even then, I'm only getting four or five hours a night. Between the cat's madness and our own drama, things are pretty chaotic. Thanks for understanding. (V)

Laura Williams73, I just wanted to reach out and say hang in there. I usually steer clear of threads that don't directly impact my own mental health, but I felt compelled to chime in after reading this. There is a certain beauty in seeing someone mourn their wife with such sincerity; it’s clear you shared a wonderful marriage, and it makes sense that the void she left feels immense. I’ve lost people close to me, though never anyone quite this central to my life, so I can only imagine the sensation. It’s almost like losing a limb—after so many years, you become so intertwined with one another that you truly feel incomplete without them.

Perhaps now might be the right moment to focus on reconnecting with your son. Finding a way to coexist through this transition and establishing small, new rituals—like grabbing a morning coffee together—might help. Honestly, much of what the others have suggested sounds like a very healthy path forward.

I guess I should weigh in here too. My parents were married for 41 years, and I’m 38 now. My mom passed away quite suddenly two years ago. It’s just been my dad and me ever since. He’s actually 12 years older than she was. Now, he’s fallen ill himself; he can’t even get out of bed right now because of this leg injury—he isn't allowed to put any weight on it at all. I’ve stayed home to be with him, mostly because there’s nobody else who can stay at the apartment, and he just can’t be left alone. He isn't strong enough for hip surgery yet. Honestly, Mom’s passing hit him so much harder than I initially realized. I remember back this spring, he would still divide the lunch into three portions, almost as if she were still sitting there with us. So, I think I truly understand what you all are going through. We knew her end was coming, though. Those last four days in the hospital... she was unconscious and in septic shock, and it was just devastating to witness. She passed from a hospital-acquired infection, but she was already so frail from her chronic conditions. She was only 68 when she died.

sent from my iPhone 6 mini

Dear mistyjackal842,
Thanks for reaching out. Don't take this the wrong way—and neither should the other bloggers—but I find it much easier dealing with people who actually have their own struggles, because getting those messages telling me to "stay strong," "time heals all wounds," or "you need to get out more" feels well-intentioned but mostly hollow since they aren't living through the same drama we are. It’s devastating about your mother, and I truly understand what you're going through with your father. I honestly don't know how you handle everything, considering you're younger yet still trapped in your own world. Things are heavy on my end too; she's only 55 and currently lying in a coma at Mayo Clinic. I'd love to chat via DM and hear where you're from, but it looks like your inbox is already slammed. Sending you strength and courage.

I'll send you a private message. I actually went ahead and cleared out my old inbox, so feel free to send one over to me too.

sent from my iPhone 6

Laura Williams73 said:Dear driftingbear29, excuse the bluntness, but it’s actually quite sweet when someone who doesn't even know you offers such kind words of comfort. First off, if you ever decide to reach out again, there's no need for all that formal "sir" business; regardless of age, I still feel young at heart. I love Rock, Punk, Metal, Disco, and anything with a decent beat, though I haven't even turned my speakers on in months. I actually picked up the latest Slayer album we spent three years waiting for, but just like the last 2,000 records I've bought, it's just sitting on the shelf unplayed. I know losing a grandmother, grandfather, father, or mother is hard, but you eventually have to accept it as the natural order of things. My wife was born in 1960, making her over six years younger than me, so I was quietly hoping I’d be the one to go first. We have a son who isn't married yet and is currently living with us. Still, the void is massive; sometimes in the morning, one of us will brew some black coffee and set three mugs on the table before realizing what we've done. As for pets, I have a beautiful black cat named Ljubica tatin, but ever since this illness hit, she's been acting completely erratic. She refuses to walk on the floor, instead leaping from chair to chair and onto the cabinets, and now she sleeps right on the kitchen table. She wouldn't even use her two litter boxes, so we ended up rigging up a makeshift one on two stools in the kitchen just so she'd stop using the sink. It's ruined the kitchen, but we don't cook anymore anyway. We basically live out of our rooms, surviving on takeout and just drifting through life. Regarding eternal life, neither my wife nor I belong in those spiritual realms, so I’d trade a thousand years of eternity just for one more year on this earth. Don't worry about the medication; it's not an extreme dose, just 3mg of Normabel three times a day, but without it, sleep is impossible. Even then, I'm only getting four or five hours a night. Between the cat's madness and our own drama, things are pretty chaotic. Thanks for understanding. (V)

Great... 🙂 That’s really good to hear. It suggests there's still a sense of optimism in the air, which is exactly what we need right now, especially given how tough things have become... 🙂

I love Rock, Punk, Metal, Disco—basically anything with a solid beat. I even picked up the latest Slayer album the other day after we’d been waiting three years for them to finally drop it. But honestly? Much like the other 2,000 albums I own, it'll probably just sit on my shelf without ever being played...

Look, I really don't think this is the right way to go about things. It just isn't healthy. Society imposes these unspoken rules on us—like the idea that you have to wear black or act completely listless just because you're grieving. I won't get too deep into the weeds here, but when my father passed away suddenly seven months ago, what actually helped me move forward was listening to music and refusing to dress in mourning clothes. Grief shouldn't be measured by how much you restrict yourself. You wouldn't believe it, but two of my close friends lost their fathers as well. It happened within three, two, and even three months of each other. We spent so much time talking through it, and we all reached the same conclusion: forcing yourself into these rituals doesn't help anyone. It only pulls you backward... especially when you start cutting yourself off from the very things that used to bring you joy... 😍

If you feel the need to listen to music, go for it. Honestly, it’s more than that. Music has this way of helping you finally let those emotions out. Whether you end up crying or just sitting with the sadness... it helps. It really does. I don't care what anyone else thinks about it. Everyone processes their own pain in their own unique way... 🙂

We have our son living at home with us since he hasn't married yet. Even so, there’s this profound sense of emptiness that lingers... For instance, one morning one of us will brew a pot of black coffee, set three mugs on the table, and only then does it hit us what we've actually done...

I get where you're coming from, but honestly, that’s just standard. If it makes you feel any better, you aren't losing your mind... 😁
So, this past summer, I was dealing with some paperwork and found myself reflexively reaching for the phone to call my dad. It had been two months since he passed away... it was just an unconscious habit. But that hasn't happened lately...

How much is that... It’s just crazy...It seems like you might have hit send a little too early... I wasn't quite sure what you were asking there. If you have a question or just want to start a conversation, feel free to let me know... I'm all ears... 🙂

That’s how we ended up without a kitchen, though honestly, we haven't been cooking much anyway. We're basically just living out of our rooms, surviving on whatever fast food we can grab... just drifting through life like that...

If there is one thing I would strongly suggest, it’s changing up this lifestyle entirely!

I’m not sure what the dynamic is between you two. Whether things are good or just difficult, this kind of living situation can either drive a wedge between you or actually pull you closer 🙂

I get that most guys aren't exactly the emotional type, but there's no shame in saying, "I'm struggling, would you want to watch the evening news with me, or maybe go for a walk?" Anything works. There are endless options. Of course, you need your alone time, but family is everything, especially when it's just the two of you left. Lean on each other to make things easier.

It’s going to be tough, but please don't stop talking or lose your sense of humor. Laugh. It might be the only thing that helps both of you through this. I remember telling my closest friends that I didn't want them walking on eggshells around me. After my dad passed, the last thing I needed was that hollow "it'll get better" kind of sympathy. What actually pulled me out of that initial apathy and numbness was the fact that they kept acting like themselves. It wasn't that they lacked empathy for my pain; it was that they kept living...

When it comes to eternal life, neither of us is exactly in those spheres, so I’d trade a thousand years of eternity just for one more year here on Earth.

Man, who wouldn't! 🙂

I don't know, I have to say that I don't view death as an end. I know that sounds strange, but I still feel close to my dad, even if he isn't physically here anymore, and I think that belief helps me. I truly believe it's vital to find something to hold onto. Something to pull you through the hard times that are inevitably coming...

No matter how many losses we face, each one hits us all over again. Personally, videos like these helped me a lot, even though I already knew all this intellectually. When you're actually in the middle of it, these things feel like a lifeline. Everything you hear feels like a saving grace, giving you hope that moving forward is actually possible.

Well, here

😘A senior center. A book club. The local library. Even just crying... whatever it takes. Don't sit around waiting for someone else to come to you; try to strike a balance between a healthy amount of solitude and being social. And one more thing. Thinking about my dad helped me. Reminding myself every day that he’s gone... I treated it almost like a challenge. You have to accept death, but not by waiting five or six years for the dust to settle. You have to be proactive. As optimistic as that sounds, it makes sense...