Roger Doyle said:The way I approach everything in life is still dictated by my mother’s mindset. I have never managed to carve out an independent identity for myself. That is the core of the problem. If you attempt to act according to your own logic rather than hers, she makes sure you know it—both through her words and her actions. She isn't even aware of what she's doing. She belongs to that specific breed of people who will spit on your very soul and then somehow convince you that *you* are the one who hurt *them*, leaving you scrambling to beg for forgiveness. My father passed away a few years ago, and that might be the primary reason I haven't found the strength to break away from her, or why she refuses to let me go. If anyone has any advice, please leave it here. I have tried every possible tactic, but I simply cannot make sense of her.
Narcissists are actually super insecure and fragile deep down—they use that narcissistic persona just to keep a tight grip on everything. That’s where that obsession with having everything their way comes from, trying to steer everyone else to fit their mold, and then flipping the script to blame the victim because they just can't own up to their own stuff. Her personality is basically fragile and immature; she can't handle other people being individuals because it makes her feel exposed. Plus, she can't deal with being imperfect because that would make her "bad" in her eyes, so she builds her entire sense of worth on things like family status, money, looks, and all that...
The sad part is, narcissists don't have the capacity to grasp how much their actions hurt or to see what other people actually need. They just don't have it in them—it's like an emotional deficit. Without that mask, they're totally vulnerable, and that exposure is their absolute worst nightmare. They just can't stomach being wrong, admitting they messed up the upbringing, or realizing their family isn't perfect. They can't stand not being admired or losing their sense of importance compared to everyone else.
What you can actually do is set boundaries, though I know that’s incredibly tough when you're still financially tied to your mother. It's a whole lot easier once you're living on your own, so if I can give any advice, it's to find a job and get that financial independence. Once you aren't relying on her, you can finally set those boundaries and actually grow as a person.
You've already tried on your own and seen it doesn't work, mostly because she won't let you be your own person without controlling you. There isn't some magic method to make her understand what she's been putting you through your whole life. Narcissists are just wired that way—difficult, sensitive, and totally incapable of seeing anyone else's needs...
