My head is a mess

Hey there!

I decided to title this "a total mess in my head" because I’m actually dealing with two different things here. One of them is something I’ve known about for ages, but the second one just really hit me lately.

First issue:

I have a pretty large circle of friends, mostly because I’m an empathetic person, a good listener, and people generally enjoy hanging out with me. But, it happens all the time where I don't express myself quite right and people end up totally misunderstanding me. A friend actually pointed this out to me about 15 years ago, telling me that I basically expect people to be mind readers. And honestly? She was totally right. When I'm trying to explain something or share an idea, I feel like I'm being super clear and descriptive, but then I see the look on people's faces and realize they didn't get it at all. I usually end up having to explain myself all over again. I definitely find it much easier to communicate through writing, since I have the time to actually organize my thoughts and build sentences properly. I've also noticed that I struggle even more when I'm talking to someone who feels insincere or someone who acts overly authoritative. I tried searching online for tips on how to improve my communication skills and self-expression, but I haven't found anything that really clicks. Does anyone have any advice on how I can work on expressing myself better? Maybe a book recommendation that covers this kind of thing?

Second issue:
I have this constant need to be liked—you know, to be seen as a "good person." I know, I know... everyone wants to be liked. But for me, I’m always worrying about what people are going to think of me. It's especially bad at work. I'll finish a task or make a decision, and then I immediately start viewing my own actions through the lens of how someone else might judge them. I didn't used to be like this. It almost feels like the older I get, the more sensitive I become to other people's opinions. I guess it should probably be the opposite, right? 😢

My advice to you? Please, don't waste a single second trying to "fix" yourself—unless, of course, being an incredibly articulate orator is absolutely vital to your career, otherwise you might struggle. But if this is just the occasional jumble of words because you have a million thoughts racing through your head at once, then embrace it as your signature style! I once had a professor back in college who was a total genius; he’d constantly be clutching his head or pulling at his hair until he found the exact right word to capture his thought. It was actually quite charming, honestly. He didn't let it rattle him at all; he radiated this sheer confidence that he *would* find the right way to say it, and we’d all just sit there patiently waiting. You knew he was brilliant, one of those intense intellectuals who just needs a little extra time when speaking.

Don't go hunting through self-help books for a solution to this; instead, seek out books that you actually want to read for pleasure. 🙂 When you're talking to people who don't really "get" you or know you well, just be upfront and smile—say something like, "Hey, sorry, I know I'm being a bit scattered, my brain is just running a mile a minute!" If you approach them with genuine confidence and respect, everything will turn out just fine. Then, just try explaining yourself again. I truly mean this: learn to love your own quirkiness. And keep writing whenever the urge hits. Focus your energy on something you are genuinely great at.

And regarding your other point... perhaps I could just add a quick thought to what was said before. If you immerse yourself in something you excel at, you'll naturally start valuing yourself more, which makes you a much more interesting person. I know this from personal experience. When I am fully engaged in things I love—whether it's big ideas, upcoming plans, or specific activities—I find it much more fun to think about my own life and the world around me, and those nagging thoughts about how other people perceive me just... fade away. They tend to get loudest when I'm bored or feeling frustrated by something. So, rather than trying to tackle this issue head-on, just find ways to keep yourself entertained and engaged, and the problem will slowly begin to vanish on its own.

@Raymond Vaughn4, I'm with you 100%.

To add to that, you don't need everyone on the planet to "get" you. You'll always have your inner circle—people who listen, love you, and honestly might even enjoy watching you stumble over your words just because they adore you. But yeah, there’s always going to be that crowd that writes you off as less intelligent just because you can't spit out an entire manifesto in two seconds flat. Don't waste your breath trying to win them over. Sometimes, just give them a simple yes or no, or a quick explanation stripped down for the layman. Also, seriously, try this: when someone asks you a question or throws a puzzle your way, give yourself a 10-second mental buffer to process it before speaking. The first time, you'll be shocked at what pops out. The second time, you'll find it hard to stay patient with the timer. By the third time? You're gonna feel like a boss. And since you're such a natural writer, maybe start a digital journal on your MacBook or something. Look, honey, you don't have a "problem"—other people just aren't as intellectually curious as you are. Just keep being you and don't sweat the small stuff. People who actually think for themselves will see it.

Best!

Thanks. 🙂 I think I’m going to try to give myself a little more breathing room to actually form coherent sentences from now on. My lack of clarity today ended up causing a total misunderstanding at work. It wasn't like anything major blew up, but man, I still felt pretty lousy about it. So, yeah, I've decided no more important conversations while I'm rushing through the hallway. And definitely no more rushing. Now I'm just wondering how my coworkers are going to perceive me while I'm busy processing everything in my head. 😁 They'll probably think I'm plotting something sinister. 😉

Oh, right... and thanks so much for the advice about finding a hobby I actually enjoy. I really think that's something I definitely need to do, you know? It would probably help me feel way less overwhelmed by everything and maybe even give me a bit more self-confidence. Tnx! 🙂

It’s honestly fascinating to me how I look at your signatures and see them as direct answers or solutions to the very questions and problems you're posting about 🙂 And I’m not just talking to you, Daniel Sanders78—I mean the whole community here. We all seem to carry the answers inside us already; we just struggle with the actual execution. That’s where true wisdom comes in! (Not trying to lecture anyone here 😁 I actually picked this up from a movie, I think it was Miyamoto Musashi)