How do I stop being a pushover and actually get heard?

wanderingotter53 said:I actually tried that once, and man, it was brutal. It was all "to hell with this, who cares where you go to college, you ungrateful little brat..." stuff. I ended up retreating to my room and basically lived there. When I did come out, I’d just wander around the yard, trying my best to avoid talking to the people in charge. I’d only pop up when it was absolutely necessary to handle basic chores, like "hey, grab this" or "go do that." It felt incredibly humiliating, honestly, and pretty terrifying too.

Maybe all we can really do is wait...

But waiting isn't the answer. That might actually make things worse. You know how it goes? You start sweeping those little issues under the rug, and before you know it, they've grown into massive problems you won't even notice until they hit you later.

Why not just dive into what you actually love? Try to find those hidden talents you haven't even tapped into yet. You probably have them! They just need a little time to really surface and become clear.

Look, Dudek, you’re thinking straight. You've got a good head on your shoulders.
Honestly, you seem way more mature than your parents, both mentally and emotionally.
That lack of respect they have? It's total garbage. Just pathetic.
Let's be real—your mother isn't going to swoop in like some saint and fight your battles for you.
There's no Plan B. If things feel okay right now, they aren't.
You've got plenty of options... you're young, smart, and capable.
Don't let them mess with your head like this. Letting them disrespect you like that only hurts you as much as them.
You see it all clearly... and nobody else is going to take the fall when you're drowning in bitterness in a few years because you didn't do anything about it.

Look, my advice to you is to just focus on finishing that degree out of state while simultaneously hunting for ways to gain some independence. It’s going to be an uphill battle and it won't happen overnight, but if you're actually serious about cutting ties with them, you can make it work. Also, you might find that book *Toxic Parents* pretty eye-opening.👍

wanderingotter53 said:I’m not entirely sure if this topic actually fits in this specific section of the forum—I posted the exact same thing over on the US boards and ended up getting locked.

Basically, I feel like such a nobody that my voice doesn't even matter. I'm just out here playing Dudek, staying humble and keeping my head down so I don't end up being a target or dealing with any unnecessary friction. I don't really bother having an opinion; I just listen to whatever I'm told because that's what I'm supposed to do. Even when the conversation is strictly about me, I'm not allowed to say a single word or react in any way. I just have to sit there, listen to instructions, and act submissive so I don't trigger anyone's anger by daring to think for myself or voicing a thought. What can even be done about a situation like this?

Look, wanderingotter53, in your family, you’ve basically been cast as the scapegoat.
Everyone uses you to vent their frustrations. You aren't seen as smart—just "clueless"—and if you actually say something that makes sense, they just claim you're being "philosophical." You're the easiest person to take things out on, and if you dare to push back, you get sent to your room. You're blamed for most people's mistakes, too. You're blamed for existing, for not being the perfect student, for not being pretty enough, smart enough, or for having a brain and an opinion instead of just shutting up and listening to people who are supposedly smarter than you...

People unconsciously fall into these roles because of the weight of authority figures—parents, siblings, whoever. That explains why you're so quick to wave the white flag; you know exactly what your role is, and you've realized it's easier to let everyone else act like they're the smart ones while you just stay quiet and take it...

In families where parents are psychologically fragile, they tend to look for the easiest way to deal with life's problems. They try to dump their incompetence, failures, anger, frustration, and irresponsibility onto someone else just to lighten their own load. They need someone to "shoot" at so they can handle their own issues more easily. See, you're just the punching bag. You absorb every kind of hit and just stay silent. In your family, the roles are set in stone, and you can't just change them. If you rebel, it comes at a cost—suddenly you're the ungrateful, disrespectful jerk who doesn't appreciate everything their parents do.
Your fate in this role is to swallow everything and suffer. Just look at how much anger you've bottled up from others—and from yourself—that you can't even let out. You swallow it, but swallowing it leads to frustration and rage, which eventually turns into depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, fear of being independent, an inability to make your own choices, and even self-directed masochism.

You can change this situation by getting out of that toxic environment and setting firm boundaries with your parents. But to do that, you need your own income and a solid sense of self. It's a process. Since you're at a major crossroads in life right now, I really want you to think hard about how much longer you can carry this weight. Is it worth finishing college before leaving, or should you just get out now?
Your parents are who they are. The roles were assigned a long time ago. You might be able to change your role, but changing their actual nature is a different story...😢

Do they love you? In their world, probably. But honestly, I wouldn't wish that kind of love on anyone. You'll always be the one to blame for your own life decisions, and that's a burden you'll carry forever. Realize that some people just function in a broken way. Just like you can't be friends or grab coffee with every single person you meet, you can't always have love in your family or reach a healthy level of connection. The sooner you realize this, the better. If you don't, you're going to struggle big time in life.

wanderingotter53 said:I’m not entirely sure if this topic actually fits in this specific section of the forum—I posted the exact same thing over on the US boards and ended up getting locked.

Basically, I feel like such a nobody that my voice doesn't even matter. I'm just out here playing Dudek, staying humble and keeping my head down so I don't end up being a target or dealing with any unnecessary friction. I don't really bother having an opinion; I just listen to whatever I'm told because that's what I'm supposed to do. Even when the conversation is strictly about me, I'm not allowed to say a single word or react in any way. I just have to sit there, listen to instructions, and act submissive so I don't trigger anyone's anger by daring to think for myself or voicing a thought. What can even be done about a situation like this?

Look, when you really step back and analyze the situation, there isn't much to be done here—absolutely nothing. As long as you keep insisting on calling yourself a complete piece of trash, you’re just spinning your wheels. At this point, you are more than ready to actually sit down and read *Toxic Parents*. Honestly, if you take a look at the dedicated thread for that book on this forum, you'll find an endless stream of "inspiring" stories just like yours.

Alright, check this out—I found this little story floating around (c/p):

From the pages of "Storyteller," by Jorge Bucay.

When I was a kid, nothing captured my imagination quite like the circus. I was absolutely mesmerized by the animals, but there was one performer that always commanded my undivided attention: the elephant. As it turns out, that massive creature was actually the undisputed star of the show, the absolute favorite among all the kids in the audience. During the performance, seeing that giant beast pull off these intricate tricks with a tiny coin was just mind-blowing—it was such a surreal, jarring contrast between sheer, overwhelming power and delicate precision. But then, the spectacle would end. Right before the animal was led back toward the stage area, I’d see it tethered to this pathetic little wooden stake driven into the ground. Just a tiny scrap of wood, barely a few inches deep. It was infuriating. They had this heavy, massive iron chain wrapped around a single leg, but anyone with half a brain could see the absurdity of it. We are talking about an animal capable of uprooting entire trees with ease; if it truly wanted to, it could have ripped that stake right out of the dirt and shattered that chain in a heartbeat. It was a complete illusion of control, and frankly, it was maddening to watch.
I still haven't been able to wrap my head around what the secret actually was. It remains completely elusive to me.
What on earth is keeping him there? Seriously, why doesn't he just get out and run for it?
Some adult tried to lecture me, claiming that the elephant was restrained simply because it had been "trained." I wasn't having any of it. I looked them right in the eye and asked: "If he’s actually trained, then why on earth do you still need to tie him up?"
I don't recall receiving a single response from this thread that actually contained any substance.
A few years back, I finally realized that someone—thankfully—was smart enough to actually dig deep and find the answer I was looking for:

A circus elephant doesn't run away simply because it’s tied to a tiny little stake—it stays because that same stake has been holding it down since it was just a calf. It’s a psychological trap, plain and simple.

I am absolutely convinced that the little elephant gave it everything he had. He struggled, he fought, and he exhausted himself trying to break free, but despite all that raw effort, he just couldn't make it happen—simply because the crust was far too solid for him to crack.
I can just see him clearly: fighting that uphill battle every single day, pushing himself until he was absolutely drained, only to collapse into bed from pure exhaustion. He kept grinding away like that, day after day, until finally—one breaking point came where he simply couldn't fight anymore. He just had to accept his own powerlessness and surrender himself entirely to fate.
That massive, imposing elephant you see performing in a circus doesn't stay put because it lacks the strength to break free; it stays because it’s been conditioned to believe it’s incapable. It's a psychological trap, plain and simple.
What’s truly infuriating is that he never once had the decency to take a hard, serious look back at that memory and actually question it.
He never did it again. Not once. He never again went looking to test his own strength against the world.
That’s exactly how it works. Honestly, most of us are just like circus elephants: we trudge through life tethered to hundreds of tiny little chains that strip away our freedom bit by bit. We go through the motions, convinced that certain things are simply "impossible" for us to achieve. But the truth is much more pathetic than that. It’s because once, back when we were just kids, we tried something and failed. That was it. We did exactly what that elephant did—we let one moment of struggle define us, and that failure got etched deep into our psyche. We internalize that lie until it becomes our identity: I can't, I won't, and I never will.
It’s all about capability. It’s about having the actual power to make things happen.
We grew up shackled to a narrative we forced upon ourselves, and because of that, we never even bothered to try and break free from the cage.
Whenever those heavy chains rattle and that metallic clanking starts echoing in the distance, I can’t help but glance down at the handcuffs under my eye and think to myself:
"I can't, and I never will be able to."

Does anyone else actually exist in your life besides the "superiors"?

I mean, think about it—friends, subordinates, mentors, or just people who could potentially matter to you.

It sounds like your folks have a hard time seeing you as an independent adult, and honestly, you’ll probably never get their blessing to simply exist, to be yourself, or to have a voice.
But there’s a loophole: if you don't ask for permission, you can't really be told "no." 😉

It doesn't matter whether what you have to say is some profound philosophical insight or just total nonsense. Most people spend most of their lives talking absolute garbage 🙂
and they usually feel incredibly brilliant while doing it, totally lost in the conversation. 🙂
So, even if you end up blathering something completely stupid, chances are someone said it just as recently.

Here is my advice:

1.) Try redirecting all that energy toward other people—friends, acquaintances, or even folks on an online forum (since there isn't much better 😁 out there).

2.) Make a commitment to yourself to say something out loud at least once a day for a few months, regardless of how much resistance you feel. Go into it prepared to be judged. It’s like doing push-ups; you know your muscles are going to ache, but you do it to build strength.

3.) Listen to Azra 😁 Well, it doesn't strictly have to be Azra; it could be something newer and cooler, but something with that same rebellious spirit. That kind of music was what pulled me out of my own "I'm not allowed to exist" headspace a long time ago.
Something like:

Do something

do something for your conscience
don't think you're alone
take charge, take action
forget the fear
so many women looking for your help
so many women dreaming
so many women sighing quietly
it's a madhouse out there
do something about your nerves
stop the shaking
be like Valentino
don't hesitate
there's no time for a better future
no time to rest
no time to live again
nobody is young anymore
come on, just move already
come on, get going
come on, do something
come on...
do something, it's your duty
you know so much
you aren't stupid, there are plenty like you
don't despair
spit in your own face and become a man
let your voice be heard
spit in your own face, spit in their eyes
don't falter
come on...
do something for yourself
something big
protect your pride forever and everywhere
shake things up
shut the door on rotten moralists
shut the door on the critics
shut the door on the feminists
shut the door on everyone
come on...

P.S. Looking at the title of this thread and the sense of irony here, I can tell you've got some grit and a voice of your own. So, I don't doubt for a second that you'll find a way. 👍

If things ever feel too heavy, even without the extra weight, seeking professional psychological help is one of the best ways to rediscover yourself and finally give yourself permission to speak up.

Carl Rivera43 said:But waiting isn't the answer. That might actually make things worse. You know how it goes? You start sweeping those little issues under the rug, and before you know it, they've grown into massive problems you won't even notice until they hit you later.

Why not just dive into what you actually love? Try to find those hidden talents you haven't even tapped into yet. You probably have them! They just need a little time to really surface and become clear.

I’ve got my own specific tastes and... let's just call them little fetishes. I was actually thinking about heading out into nature—maybe hit some of the nearby hills on my bike for a ride. But then I started overthinking it: what if I get flattened by a bulldozer mid-ride? 🤦 Wherever I go, I’m never actually traveling alone.

wanderingangler13 said:Look, my advice to you is to just focus on finishing that degree out of state while simultaneously hunting for ways to gain some independence. It’s going to be an uphill battle and it won't happen overnight, but if you're actually serious about cutting ties with them, you can make it work. Also, you might find that book *Toxic Parents* pretty eye-opening.👍

You're absolutely right. I’m on the exact same page as you. Honestly, if only I could find a way to shorten this cycle, even just a little bit.

Donna White50 said:Look, wanderingotter53, in your family, you’ve basically been cast as the scapegoat.
Everyone uses you to vent their frustrations. You aren't seen as smart—just "clueless"—and if you actually say something that makes sense, they just claim you're being "philosophical." You're the easiest person to take things out on, and if you dare to push back, you get sent to your room. You're blamed for most people's mistakes, too. You're blamed for existing, for not being the perfect student, for not being pretty enough, smart enough, or for having a brain and an opinion instead of just shutting up and listening to people who are supposedly smarter than you...

People unconsciously fall into these roles because of the weight of authority figures—parents, siblings, whoever. That explains why you're so quick to wave the white flag; you know exactly what your role is, and you've realized it's easier to let everyone else act like they're the smart ones while you just stay quiet and take it...

In families where parents are psychologically fragile, they tend to look for the easiest way to deal with life's problems. They try to dump their incompetence, failures, anger, frustration, and irresponsibility onto someone else just to lighten their own load. They need someone to "shoot" at so they can handle their own issues more easily. See, you're just the punching bag. You absorb every kind of hit and just stay silent. In your family, the roles are set in stone, and you can't just change them. If you rebel, it comes at a cost—suddenly you're the ungrateful, disrespectful jerk who doesn't appreciate everything their parents do.
Your fate in this role is to swallow everything and suffer. Just look at how much anger you've bottled up from others—and from yourself—that you can't even let out. You swallow it, but swallowing it leads to frustration and rage, which eventually turns into depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, fear of being independent, an inability to make your own choices, and even self-directed masochism.

You can change this situation by getting out of that toxic environment and setting firm boundaries with your parents. But to do that, you need your own income and a solid sense of self. It's a process. Since you're at a major crossroads in life right now, I really want you to think hard about how much longer you can carry this weight. Is it worth finishing college before leaving, or should you just get out now?
Your parents are who they are. The roles were assigned a long time ago. You might be able to change your role, but changing their actual nature is a different story...😢

Do they love you? In their world, probably. But honestly, I wouldn't wish that kind of love on anyone. You'll always be the one to blame for your own life decisions, and that's a burden you'll carry forever. Realize that some people just function in a broken way. Just like you can't be friends or grab coffee with every single person you meet, you can't always have love in your family or reach a healthy level of connection. The sooner you realize this, the better. If you don't, you're going to struggle big time in life.

Donna White50 said:Look, wanderingotter53, in your family, you’ve basically been cast as the scapegoat.
Everyone uses you to vent their frustrations. You aren't seen as smart—just "clueless"—and if you actually say something that makes sense, they just claim you're being "philosophical." You're the easiest person to take things out on, and if you dare to push back, you get sent to your room. You're blamed for most people's mistakes, too. You're blamed for existing, for not being the perfect student, for not being pretty enough, smart enough, or for having a brain and an opinion instead of just shutting up and listening to people who are supposedly smarter than you...

People unconsciously fall into these roles because of the weight of authority figures—parents, siblings, whoever. That explains why you're so quick to wave the white flag; you know exactly what your role is, and you've realized it's easier to let everyone else act like they're the smart ones while you just stay quiet and take it...

In families where parents are psychologically fragile, they tend to look for the easiest way to deal with life's problems. They try to dump their incompetence, failures, anger, frustration, and irresponsibility onto someone else just to lighten their own load. They need someone to "shoot" at so they can handle their own issues more easily. See, you're just the punching bag. You absorb every kind of hit and just stay silent. In your family, the roles are set in stone, and you can't just change them. If you rebel, it comes at a cost—suddenly you're the ungrateful, disrespectful jerk who doesn't appreciate everything their parents do.
Your fate in this role is to swallow everything and suffer. Just look at how much anger you've bottled up from others—and from yourself—that you can't even let out. You swallow it, but swallowing it leads to frustration and rage, which eventually turns into depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, fear of being independent, an inability to make your own choices, and even self-directed masochism.

You can change this situation by getting out of that toxic environment and setting firm boundaries with your parents. But to do that, you need your own income and a solid sense of self. It's a process. Since you're at a major crossroads in life right now, I really want you to think hard about how much longer you can carry this weight. Is it worth finishing college before leaving, or should you just get out now?
Your parents are who they are. The roles were assigned a long time ago. You might be able to change your role, but changing their actual nature is a different story...😢

Do they love you? In their world, probably. But honestly, I wouldn't wish that kind of love on anyone. You'll always be the one to blame for your own life decisions, and that's a burden you'll carry forever. Realize that some people just function in a broken way. Just like you can't be friends or grab coffee with every single person you meet, you can't always have love in your family or reach a healthy level of connection. The sooner you realize this, the better. If you don't, you're going to struggle big time in life.

Exactly, more or less. To be totally blunt, I love my family and they love me right back. It’s just that this constant feeling of being kept on a leash is driving me crazy. I’m not independent yet, and honestly, if I tried to strike out on my own right now, I’d probably crash and burn because I just don't have the life skills down. Once we move, they’re planning on helping me land some part-time student gig, which I'm actually pretty stoked about—finally having some cash in my pocket that I earned myself. The truth is, I’ve got a bit of a temper, and I’ve already played out all sorts of scenarios in my head (God forgive me, it's a sin) involving things I would never actually say out loud. But lately, I can't help but feel—forgive me again—that saying them might actually be fair. Ideally, I wouldn't have to go that route; I'd rather just sit them down and have a rational conversation about how things are going. But whenever I’ve tried to get serious, nobody takes me seriously. Hopefully, though, they'll finally listen sooner or later.

My advice? Stop trying so hard to be such a jerk. Just be a decent human being. If someone clearly isn't interested in talking to you, why are you forcing it? Read the room. When you're dealing with the higher-ups, stick to safe topics where you actually agree—even if it’s just mindless small talk about home repairs or the weather. Find some other outlet for those deep intellectual debates—some buddies, an online forum, whatever.

Another thing—maybe try focusing on your degree. If you actually graduate, people will probably start treating you differently and asking for your input. Right now, to them, you're just some kid acting like he knows everything.