Confidence issues when it comes to the opposite sex

I’ve noticed this really frustrating pattern in myself lately: whenever I’m actually in a relationship, my self-confidence just completely evaporates, regardless of how the other person treats me, whether they're being wonderful or totally awful.

When I'm flying solo, I feel like I'm on top of the world and super confident, but the second I get tangled up with someone, I start feeling like absolute trash—and honestly, it doesn't even matter how much chemistry we have. It happens whether I'm head-over-heels crazy about a guy or just hanging out with someone in a platonic way where there isn't even any spark.

Has anyone else ever dealt with something like this? I can't help but wonder if this is some kind of deep-seated psychological issue or just a weird complex I need to work through.

Back when I was stuck in an unplanned pregnancy, I felt like a complete idiot—zero self-esteem, or at least a very thin veneer of fake confidence. But when things were going well and the interest was mutual, my confidence actually grew. At least, that’s how I saw it.

Are there specific life or family circumstances making you feel less than worthy? Are you constantly looking over your shoulder, terrified someone will uncover a dark secret? Or maybe the guys you date treat you poorly enough that your plummeting self-esteem actually makes sense. Perhaps you're just picking the wrong crowd...

Give me some more detail. What exactly goes through your mind when you think about that loss of confidence...

Honestly, I think psychotherapy is the only way to truly tackle this. Trying to fix it on your own is just going to be a waste of energy, and it’ll keep getting in the way of you having healthy, meaningful relationships.

It feels like there might be some underlying insecurity in other areas of your life too, even if it isn't super obvious right away.

You aren't alone in feeling this way, if that helps at all, but please be smart about this—don't spin your wheels. Just go straight to a therapist.

Just wondering—what kind of guys are we even talking about here? Maybe they’re playing you—low-key messing with your head—without you even realizing it.

Roger Campbell said:Back when I was stuck in an unplanned pregnancy, I felt like a complete idiot—zero self-esteem, or at least a very thin veneer of fake confidence. But when things were going well and the interest was mutual, my confidence actually grew. At least, that’s how I saw it.

Are there specific life or family circumstances making you feel less than worthy? Are you constantly looking over your shoulder, terrified someone will uncover a dark secret? Or maybe the guys you date treat you poorly enough that your plummeting self-esteem actually makes sense. Perhaps you're just picking the wrong crowd...

Give me some more detail. What exactly goes through your mind when you think about that loss of confidence...

Honestly, even when the feelings are mutual, I still deal with this, though I definitely agree that I have a habit of falling for the wrong kind of guy.

As for how that feeling actually hits me—it's like I feel worthless, or even fatalistic. This sounds ridiculous, I know, but it feels like being exiled from paradise. Then comes the feeling of being replaceable, unloved, rejected, inadequate, or just... infantile.

Sophia Rodriguez12 said:Honestly, I think psychotherapy is the only way to truly tackle this. Trying to fix it on your own is just going to be a waste of energy, and it’ll keep getting in the way of you having healthy, meaningful relationships.

It feels like there might be some underlying insecurity in other areas of your life too, even if it isn't super obvious right away.

You aren't alone in feeling this way, if that helps at all, but please be smart about this—don't spin your wheels. Just go straight to a therapist.

Standard talk therapy hasn't worked for me, though; I've tried just about everything.

Thomas Nelson25 said:Just wondering—what kind of guys are we even talking about here? Maybe they’re playing you—low-key messing with your head—without you even realizing it.

That could definitely be happening, but then again, I'm the one choosing them, so I guess the blame lies with me. It's just a vicious cycle.

hollowscout57 said:Honestly, even when the feelings are mutual, I still deal with this, though I definitely agree that I have a habit of falling for the wrong kind of guy.

As for how that feeling actually hits me—it's like I feel worthless, or even fatalistic. This sounds ridiculous, I know, but it feels like being exiled from paradise. Then comes the feeling of being replaceable, unloved, rejected, inadequate, or just... infantile.

Standard talk therapy hasn't worked for me, though; I've tried just about everything.

That could definitely be happening, but then again, I'm the one choosing them, so I guess the blame lies with me. It's just a vicious cycle.

Are they even reliable?

Thomas Nelson25 said:Are they even reliable?

Honestly, not at all—they've actually got even less than I do!

hollowscout57 said:Honestly, not at all—they've actually got even less than I do!

I mean, it’s probably just hormones...
So, what else actually gives you a confidence boost?

William Thompson59 said:I mean, it’s probably just hormones...
So, what else actually gives you a confidence boost?

Wait, whose hormones are we talking about here—mine or theirs?

Setting romance aside for a second, my confidence really peaks when I’m totally lost in something I love doing. But when it comes to relationships, that feeling only kicks in when I’m deeply loved and accepted for exactly who I am—though, honestly, I haven't quite found that specific kind of love yet. I always struggle with this nagging feeling that people just see me as "a woman," just one face in the crowd, completely replaceable and mortal.

hollowscout57 said:Honestly, not at all—they've actually got even less than I do!

so you basically need someone with high reliability... low scores tend to lean toward pessimism and seeing everything through a gray lens.

Thomas Nelson25 said:so you basically need someone with high reliability... low scores tend to lean toward pessimism and seeing everything through a gray lens.

Man, you totally stole my thought there :P
You really need someone with actual backbone—someone who loves you and makes you feel, I don't know, secure...

It's probably just your hormones acting up... how old are you anyway?

hollowscout57 said:Wait, whose hormones are we talking about here—mine or theirs?

Setting romance aside for a second, my confidence really peaks when I’m totally lost in something I love doing. But when it comes to relationships, that feeling only kicks in when I’m deeply loved and accepted for exactly who I am—though, honestly, I haven't quite found that specific kind of love yet. I always struggle with this nagging feeling that people just see me as "a woman," just one face in the crowd, completely replaceable and mortal.

So you're saying you don't play 'games' with guys? ;D (especially when it's a crew you can't even trust... unusual, isn't it?)

Honestly, maybe it's a good thing they see you that way—I mean, what else would you want? Maybe you're an intellectual, maybe you've got a deep soul, but to them, it doesn't matter... it all just ends up being part of the warmup.😉

Thomas Nelson25 said:so you basically need someone with high reliability... low scores tend to lean toward pessimism and seeing everything through a gray lens.

They aren't actually pessimists, though—I try not to label people like that, but they prove their mindset in other ways.

William Thompson59 said:Man, you totally stole my thought there :P
You really need someone with actual backbone—someone who loves you and makes you feel, I don't know, secure...

It's probably just your hormones acting up... how old are you anyway?

My hormones are totally fine, I'm perfectly healthy. I'm 26 years old.

hollowscout57 said:They aren't actually pessimists, though—I try not to label people like that, but they prove their mindset in other ways.

My hormones are totally fine, I'm perfectly healthy. I'm 26 years old.

Interesting... what kind of ways?
I could finish that sentence for you—unless you're trying to dodge the topic?!

Thomas Nelson25 said:So you're saying you don't play 'games' with guys? ;D (especially when it's a crew you can't even trust... unusual, isn't it?)

Honestly, maybe it's a good thing they see you that way—I mean, what else would you want? Maybe you're an intellectual, maybe you've got a deep soul, but to them, it doesn't matter... it all just ends up being part of the warmup.😉

Do you really have to play games? I don't think I do, though who can say for sure. A psychologist once told me I was being manipulative, but I never actually noticed that about myself.🤔 Seriously,

I guess everyone just sees you through a different lens.

Thomas Nelson25 said:Interesting... what kind of ways?
I could finish that sentence for you—unless you're trying to dodge the topic?!

Whether it's being too casual or being a total workaholic, everyone's got their own little quirks, I guess.

hollowscout57 said:Do you really have to play games? I don't think I do, though who can say for sure. A psychologist once told me I was being manipulative, but I never actually noticed that about myself.🤔 Seriously,

I guess everyone just sees you through a different lens.

I've noticed that women with lower self-esteem or a lot of hang-ups tend to lean more into those power games—just draining a guy's energy constantly. It makes sense if you think about it.

Basically, more stable women don't manipulate much, and if they do, it's usually for a specific reason... whereas for the other group, it's just a reflection of their own internal mess.

Why do you think some guys might see you differently than how things used to be? Maybe it’s just the vibe you're putting out or how you carry yourself... what kind of love are you actually looking for?

Look, I’m definitely not some high-maintenance person, and I don't find myself draining everyone else's energy either—if anything, I’m more of a giver because people just seem to gravitate toward me. Most folks actually tell me they feel better after we hang out.

When I'm flying solo, my confidence is through the roof and I feel totally composed, but the second I get tangled up in a relationship of any kind, all hell breaks loose and I spiral into this massive pit of insecurity.

At the end of the day, I guess I'm just looking for the same thing everyone else is: to be truly seen and accepted for who I am.

Look, they're draining you dry... that’s why this keeps happening.

Thomas Nelson25 said:Look, they're draining you dry... that’s why this keeps happening.

Yeah, I get that feeling all the time, but honestly, since it seems to happen with pretty much every guy I get close to, I'm starting to wonder if maybe the issue is actually me rather than just them.