How to forgive and move on?

I need some advice here. This has been dragging on for years now and I honestly have no clue how to deal with it anymore.
So, I’m in my mid-thirties now. Unmarried, no kids—which, honestly, wasn't exactly how I pictured my life playing out at this age. But hey... here we are.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with some heavy stuff—specifically my feelings toward my dad. For the last seven or eight years, it’s been a total rollercoaster. Sometimes, honestly? I just want to strangle him. There are moments where I genuinely can't stand being near him. I find myself constantly backing away, physically distancing myself because I can't handle being stuck in a closed room with him. And don't even get me started on when we're out in public. I feel this wave of secondhand embarrassment whenever he starts cracking those cheap, lowbrow jokes. It doesn't happen as much as it used to, mostly because we see each other less often now that the big family gatherings have died down, but still. The absolute worst part, though? When he starts dumping all his drama on me. He’ll go on about his latest flings or his messy love life like I’m supposed to be his little therapist or one of his buddies at a bar. He’s even crossed the line into talking about sex with people he's seeing. God, it's just... ugh. Truly awful.
He’s always been a total flirt, honestly. I didn't really catch on when I was a kid, obviously—but looking back now with "adult" eyes? Yeah, it was pretty obvious.

His twisted mindset left a massive mark on me. Back when I was a teenager, I was constantly hunting for affection outside the house—just looking for some scrap of tenderness I wasn't getting at home. I’d go out, find someone, and spend a night or two with them, but that was it. Long-term relationships? Forget it. They felt like they were suffocating me. I ran from emotional intimacy like it was a wildfire; I just didn't want anyone to actually *know* me. He and my mother were always on my back, constant physical discipline and endless criticism. It was never enough. I could never win. If I messed up, I got screamed at; if I actually did something right, I got met with dead silence. I cried so much as a kid, but there’s even more grief trapped inside me now because back then, I wasn't even allowed to cry. Not even laugh or be happy. I was such a terrified child, and eventually, I just started using booze and men as my only way to vent.

Eventually, I moved out and landed a job. Things were actually going okay for a bit—I finally had my own space, which was a necessity because living at home had become absolutely unbearable. That phase lasted a couple of years. Then, I hit a massive heartbreak. It completely wrecked me. After that one short relationship ended, I just... stopped functioning. I gave up on everything. I lost myself. Between the career setbacks and the romantic disasters, my brain just shut down to protect itself. The years that followed were brutal. I’d spend entire days just crying for no reason. I retreated into my own little bubble, barely dragging myself to work, pulling away from everyone. I felt worthless. Without a partner, without a family, without anything... I couldn't even keep up the act anymore. I couldn't pretend to be okay.

I finally went to see a psychiatrist after realizing I couldn't keep dragging myself through this for much longer. Honestly? It didn't exactly work wonders, but the antidepressants did pull me out of that total stupor. At least the crying spells stopped, and I’m starting to feel somewhat like a human being again. The official diagnosis was just depression, but if you ask me, I’d definitely add depersonalization, derealization, anxiety, and panic attacks to that list.

I’m off the antidepressants for now. Sometimes I’ll pop a Xanax if things get too heavy, but honestly? I feel like I'm constantly teetering on the edge. It feels like one tiny trigger—just one wrong word from my dad—could send me spiraling right back down. I’m actually terrified of what I might do if that happens, which is exactly why I’ve been avoiding him altogether. But how long can I keep living like this?

On the flip side, he’s really all I’ve got left. My mom passed away, so he’s there when I need a ride somewhere—though honestly, I try to avoid asking him for that lately. He’s also handy with the heavy lifting and those "manly" chores around the house. But that’s pretty much the extent of our relationship. If I didn't need his help with physical stuff, I probably wouldn't even talk to him that much. It feels hypocritical, I guess. And if I stop calling him because I don't need anything, he starts acting all "worried" and begins pestering me. I basically just maintain this fragile peace solely so he stays out of my hair and I don't have to deal with his constant bragging or this sudden wave of "concern" that's about twenty years too late.

So, there’s this one person in my life right now, and being around him is a massive reality check. It’s making me realize just how deeply guarded and untrusting I’ve been with men—and honestly, I still am. He gives me so much attention and support, yet here I am, still trying to "verify" him like he's some kind of suspicious transaction. I just can't seem to let my guard down. I can't even tell if I ever will be able to. It’s pathetic, really. I end up crying about the whole mess.
Quick question for you all... How do I actually leave the past where it belongs? I am just so done with the constant blaming—both pointing fingers at everyone else and turning them on myself. How do I just breathe normally without this constant, underlying dread about what life is going to throw at me next? How do I make peace with the life I actually ended up with?

Back when I was a kid, whenever he started hitting me, I genuinely thought he was going to kill me.
And the kicker? He doesn't even remember doing it. Pathetic.

Thanks, everyone.

Forgiveness is such a massive deal, and honestly, you won't truly feel like you're living your life until you find a way to forgive your father... Even if it feels impossible right now, try to wrap your head around the idea that he’s just doing the best he can with the hand he was dealt, and since he can only give what he was given during his own upbringing—including all those things he lacked himself—he simply can't offer you what isn't inside him.
And just because he’s stuck in his ways and refuses to change doesn't mean that you aren't capable of changing how you perceive him, which is really the only way to find some peace regarding him, and once you do that, everything will stop looking so bleak, and it might even start feeling like he's actually improved...

There is plenty of literature out there filled with visualization exercises meant to help with the whole forgiveness process, but personally, I really connected with Louise Hay and her book "You Can Heal Your Life."

By the way, I was reading an article in the news the other day about how a huge percentage of young parents today are just repeating their own childhood patterns, like hitting their kids because that’s exactly how they were raised!
You’d think we were getting smarter with every generation, wouldn't you...🙄

I actually stumbled upon a book by Louise Hay yesterday—it’s one of those deep dives where she talks about how vital forgiveness really is. She gets incredibly raw about it, too; she details having to find peace after dealing with sexual assault from an uncle, a neighbor, and I think even another relative... plus all this other mental and physical abuse and constant criticism. But she managed to pull through because she realized that forgiving isn't about the people who hurt her—it's about herself. She figured out she wouldn't ever truly heal or be able to build a healthy relationship until she let go of all that bitterness and set herself free.
The book walks through some specific ways to practice forgiveness that might actually be helpful for you... regardless, I really think it could be worth reading the story of someone who actually pulled off exactly what you're aiming for and hoping to do...
Good luck!

P.S. rustymaker5, I just noticed you posted something pretty similar right before this.😁

What if you just laid it all out on the table and told him straight up that you're done? I know, I know—that isn't exactly the "zen" approach, but don't fall into the trap of thinking there's only one way to handle this.

People have this exhausting habit of making excuses for others, often to an absurd degree. It’s especially rampant when it comes to family. "But he's your father, you can't just..." Honestly, why not? Since when did he earn the right to derail your entire life? Why on earth should he be entitled to your forgiveness? Let's call a spade a spade: the man is garbage, and I suspect you already know that deep down. If anyone else treated you this way, your friends would be screaming at you to cut ties and never look back. Family is supposed to be a support system, but what are you actually getting from yours? Just a toxic cycle that's draining the life out of you. And while you're suffering, this jerk probably sits there thinking he was a "decent enough dad most of the time."

You don't need this baggage. You've tried making it work, but don't let a shared DNA profile force you into a lifetime of misery and depression. Tell him exactly what he put you through. Tell him you can't stand to be in his presence anymore. Be brutally honest with him, and more importantly, be honest with yourself.
Otherwise, you can just sit there reading self-help books and trying to forgive a man who has spent the last 30 years destroying you—a man who, from where I'm sitting, doesn't seem particularly sorry about any of it.

neonsurfer2 said:I need some advice here. This has been dragging on for years now and I honestly have no clue how to deal with it anymore.
So, I’m in my mid-thirties now. Unmarried, no kids—which, honestly, wasn't exactly how I pictured my life playing out at this age. But hey... here we are.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with some heavy stuff—specifically my feelings toward my dad. For the last seven or eight years, it’s been a total rollercoaster. Sometimes, honestly? I just want to strangle him. There are moments where I genuinely can't stand being near him. I find myself constantly backing away, physically distancing myself because I can't handle being stuck in a closed room with him. And don't even get me started on when we're out in public. I feel this wave of secondhand embarrassment whenever he starts cracking those cheap, lowbrow jokes. It doesn't happen as much as it used to, mostly because we see each other less often now that the big family gatherings have died down, but still. The absolute worst part, though? When he starts dumping all his drama on me. He’ll go on about his latest flings or his messy love life like I’m supposed to be his little therapist or one of his buddies at a bar. He’s even crossed the line into talking about sex with people he's seeing. God, it's just... ugh. Truly awful.
He’s always been a total flirt, honestly. I didn't really catch on when I was a kid, obviously—but looking back now with "adult" eyes? Yeah, it was pretty obvious.

His twisted mindset left a massive mark on me. Back when I was a teenager, I was constantly hunting for affection outside the house—just looking for some scrap of tenderness I wasn't getting at home. I’d go out, find someone, and spend a night or two with them, but that was it. Long-term relationships? Forget it. They felt like they were suffocating me. I ran from emotional intimacy like it was a wildfire; I just didn't want anyone to actually *know* me. He and my mother were always on my back, constant physical discipline and endless criticism. It was never enough. I could never win. If I messed up, I got screamed at; if I actually did something right, I got met with dead silence. I cried so much as a kid, but there’s even more grief trapped inside me now because back then, I wasn't even allowed to cry. Not even laugh or be happy. I was such a terrified child, and eventually, I just started using booze and men as my only way to vent.

Eventually, I moved out and landed a job. Things were actually going okay for a bit—I finally had my own space, which was a necessity because living at home had become absolutely unbearable. That phase lasted a couple of years. Then, I hit a massive heartbreak. It completely wrecked me. After that one short relationship ended, I just... stopped functioning. I gave up on everything. I lost myself. Between the career setbacks and the romantic disasters, my brain just shut down to protect itself. The years that followed were brutal. I’d spend entire days just crying for no reason. I retreated into my own little bubble, barely dragging myself to work, pulling away from everyone. I felt worthless. Without a partner, without a family, without anything... I couldn't even keep up the act anymore. I couldn't pretend to be okay.

I finally went to see a psychiatrist after realizing I couldn't keep dragging myself through this for much longer. Honestly? It didn't exactly work wonders, but the antidepressants did pull me out of that total stupor. At least the crying spells stopped, and I’m starting to feel somewhat like a human being again. The official diagnosis was just depression, but if you ask me, I’d definitely add depersonalization, derealization, anxiety, and panic attacks to that list.

I’m off the antidepressants for now. Sometimes I’ll pop a Xanax if things get too heavy, but honestly? I feel like I'm constantly teetering on the edge. It feels like one tiny trigger—just one wrong word from my dad—could send me spiraling right back down. I’m actually terrified of what I might do if that happens, which is exactly why I’ve been avoiding him altogether. But how long can I keep living like this?

On the flip side, he’s really all I’ve got left. My mom passed away, so he’s there when I need a ride somewhere—though honestly, I try to avoid asking him for that lately. He’s also handy with the heavy lifting and those "manly" chores around the house. But that’s pretty much the extent of our relationship. If I didn't need his help with physical stuff, I probably wouldn't even talk to him that much. It feels hypocritical, I guess. And if I stop calling him because I don't need anything, he starts acting all "worried" and begins pestering me. I basically just maintain this fragile peace solely so he stays out of my hair and I don't have to deal with his constant bragging or this sudden wave of "concern" that's about twenty years too late.

So, there’s this one person in my life right now, and being around him is a massive reality check. It’s making me realize just how deeply guarded and untrusting I’ve been with men—and honestly, I still am. He gives me so much attention and support, yet here I am, still trying to "verify" him like he's some kind of suspicious transaction. I just can't seem to let my guard down. I can't even tell if I ever will be able to. It’s pathetic, really. I end up crying about the whole mess.
Quick question for you all... How do I actually leave the past where it belongs? I am just so done with the constant blaming—both pointing fingers at everyone else and turning them on myself. How do I just breathe normally without this constant, underlying dread about what life is going to throw at me next? How do I make peace with the life I actually ended up with?

Back when I was a kid, whenever he started hitting me, I genuinely thought he was going to kill me.
And the kicker? He doesn't even remember doing it. Pathetic.

Thanks, everyone.

Honestly, nobody can mess with our heads quite like our parents can—you’ve probably realized that by now. And since you mentioned seeing a psychiatrist, I'm guessing you didn't quite get what you went there for. It sounds like you haven't really looked deep enough into yourself or your relationship with your folks to figure out why you act the way you do today. Without that, it’s tough to move forward. You have to get to the core of that parent-child dynamic, spot those negative patterns, and try to flip them into something positive. Otherwise, you're just scratching the surface. You see the depression, the anxiety, and the fear of intimacy, but you might not realize that underneath all that, there’s just a little girl who’s desperately craving love and attention—someone who was left out in the cold by parents whose expectations were so overwhelming that she’s now terrified of being rejected. It makes sense why you struggle to show who you really are...

You really need to realize that your dad isn't some ultimate authority anymore. He shouldn't be. He’s just a guy with his own set of flaws and virtues, just like anyone else. Trust me, he was trying to raise you the best way he knew how—he just didn't have better tools. Because of his own shortcomings and the lack of love he likely received from his own parents, he couldn't give you more. So, stop treating him like he holds all the power. Try, truly try, to forgive him for every tear you shed and every bit of pain he caused. Maybe try talking to him and being open; even if he doesn't totally "get" it, it's vital for you, as an adult, to finally voice your feelings and set some boundaries. Don't let your knees shake when you're standing in front of him. Don't spend your adulthood trying to check someone else's boxes. Things with your boyfriend will start to settle once you decide to speak up clearly about your needs and feelings—and hopefully, he meets you halfway. Right now, there's just too much suppressed pain inside you, not enough self-esteem, and way too much fear of rejection and people-pleasing. Leave that traumatic past behind you. Live in the here and now, because that's where you actually have the chance to make things better... Wishing you the best on this journey, though it definitely takes time and a lot of soul-searching...🙂

Look, why don't you just sit him down and have a real talk about all this? Or, you know, at least tell him that it’s totally uncomfortable for you when he starts bragging about his romantic conquests and sexual exploits right in front of you. From what I can gather from your posts—and I might be totally off base here, so correct me if I'm wrong—you're clearly holding a grudge over this, but you've never actually called him out on it. Have you?

Brenda Taylor13 said:Look, why don't you just sit him down and have a real talk about all this? Or, you know, at least tell him that it’s totally uncomfortable for you when he starts bragging about his romantic conquests and sexual exploits right in front of you. From what I can gather from your posts—and I might be totally off base here, so correct me if I'm wrong—you're clearly holding a grudge over this, but you've never actually called him out on it. Have you?

Nah, she can't just "say it" easily because:
- he's the authority figure who basically ignores her feelings and what she actually wants
- she's constantly put in a spot where she's dependent on him—like he handles all the "manly" stuff while she feels left vulnerable
- she's terrified of how he’ll judge her if she actually speaks up
- she ends up acting like a little kid who just has to listen to whatever her dad says without pushing back
- she's developed this avoidant vibe... it's easier to just run away than look someone in the eye and say how she really feels
- since her self-esteem took such a hit, she hasn't really found herself yet—deep down, she doesn't feel like an adult, just a kid still craving parental approval

If you haven't been stuck in a situation like that, it's honestly hard to wrap your head around how much fear a grown adult can carry regarding their parents... and how incredibly tough it is to finally find your voice and let out all that built-up anger and frustration...

Thanks to everyone who jumped into my thread.

Looking back, I probably botched the title. It’s not just about forgiveness—I don't want the whole conversation to get stuck on that one word. There’s way more going on here. Primarily, I’m trying to overhaul how I act because my old defense mechanisms are either falling apart or morphing into something new, which honestly just makes everything feel more exhausting.
Even the word "forgiveness" makes me cringe. And don't get me started on all that trendy self-help fluff. It does absolutely nothing for me. I’ve read enough of those catchy titles to be completely over it.
Donna White50 pretty much nailed my situation. I’ve realized there’s still this little girl inside me who refuses to grow up (and frankly, I have no clue what it would actually take to fix that), and she’s still stubbornly trying to punish my father for everything he messed up. Because if I turn my life around and get everything together, then he gets to be smug about it. He’ll pat himself on the back for being such a "great" dad, while all my pain just gets swept under the rug like it never happened. The truth is, my needs, my desires, and my feelings were never really on the table. I was invisible. I had to bend to fit their world and suppress everything that made me *me*. Yeah, I always felt unprotected. That’s what I missed most—that sense of security, knowing someone actually has your back. Someone you can rely on instead of needing to run from. I’m terrified of rejection in relationships, and I didn't even realize how deep that went. How am I supposed to believe someone can love, respect, or value me if my own parents wouldn't? How can I be anyone's "special someone" when I was basically cast aside by my own family?

I don't want to talk about myself to him... I refuse to look "weak" in front of him. I don't want him to "win"... (as if this is some kind of competition??) even though logically, I never stood a chance in that fight since I was just a kid and couldn't stand up to him. My therapist told me he didn't even win—he lost. He lost my respect, which is the reality.

As for therapy, I only made it through four sessions before I decided I was done.
Part of it was the doctor. Back then, I was dealing with such intense mental fog that I could barely string a coherent sentence together. When I answered her questions, there was this massive lag; it was like I had to go digging through my brain just to find the words because they were hiding from me. And instead of understanding that, she basically implied I was making things up. Excuse me? There were other things about her approach I didn't care for, too. I mean, she helped a little, I guess, but for what I pay, the sessions were way too short and way too expensive.

Brenda Taylor13—you asked if I tell him when something bothers me. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Honestly, I feel like I have to repeat myself for the rest of my life because nothing ever sticks, and I'm just too exhausted to keep
“correcting” him. Like, when he says something totally tasteless to someone, I’ll say, "My God, how could you say that?" and he just shrugs and goes, "I was joking!" And then what am I supposed to say to that?
I resent that I have to listen to him drone on about his love life, though I finally figured out why I hate it. He’s still acting like a child himself. He’s constantly hunting for attention and validation from others (which, I guess, is exactly what I do, too?). He hasn't actually grown up; he doesn't act like a "parent" at all!! When is he actually going to start? I already know the answer.
And I throw his past mistakes in his face, but it doesn't make me feel any better; it just brings all my anger to the surface. I don't want to end up just like him—consturing and throwing accusations at people.

A few years ago, we used to know each other well enough to get into these massive, screaming matches, but it drains me so much that I just don't have the energy for it anymore.

Olivia Smith75—Yeah, I know exactly what he's like. But I can't say he's all bad; he has done good things.
He would help me out with anything material, I'm sure of that. I know he does the best he can and that he loves me in his own way and all that... but I think I'm still scared of him. That flash of rage and the craziness that takes over him... that's still living inside me.

neonsurfer2 said:Thanks to everyone who jumped into my thread.

Looking back, I probably botched the title. It’s not just about forgiveness—I don't want the whole conversation to get stuck on that one word. There’s way more going on here. Primarily, I’m trying to overhaul how I act because my old defense mechanisms are either falling apart or morphing into something new, which honestly just makes everything feel more exhausting.
Even the word "forgiveness" makes me cringe. And don't get me started on all that trendy self-help fluff. It does absolutely nothing for me. I’ve read enough of those catchy titles to be completely over it.
Donna White50 pretty much nailed my situation. I’ve realized there’s still this little girl inside me who refuses to grow up (and frankly, I have no clue what it would actually take to fix that), and she’s still stubbornly trying to punish my father for everything he messed up. Because if I turn my life around and get everything together, then he gets to be smug about it. He’ll pat himself on the back for being such a "great" dad, while all my pain just gets swept under the rug like it never happened. The truth is, my needs, my desires, and my feelings were never really on the table. I was invisible. I had to bend to fit their world and suppress everything that made me *me*. Yeah, I always felt unprotected. That’s what I missed most—that sense of security, knowing someone actually has your back. Someone you can rely on instead of needing to run from. I’m terrified of rejection in relationships, and I didn't even realize how deep that went. How am I supposed to believe someone can love, respect, or value me if my own parents wouldn't? How can I be anyone's "special someone" when I was basically cast aside by my own family?

I don't want to talk about myself to him... I refuse to look "weak" in front of him. I don't want him to "win"... (as if this is some kind of competition??) even though logically, I never stood a chance in that fight since I was just a kid and couldn't stand up to him. My therapist told me he didn't even win—he lost. He lost my respect, which is the reality.

As for therapy, I only made it through four sessions before I decided I was done.
Part of it was the doctor. Back then, I was dealing with such intense mental fog that I could barely string a coherent sentence together. When I answered her questions, there was this massive lag; it was like I had to go digging through my brain just to find the words because they were hiding from me. And instead of understanding that, she basically implied I was making things up. Excuse me? There were other things about her approach I didn't care for, too. I mean, she helped a little, I guess, but for what I pay, the sessions were way too short and way too expensive.

Brenda Taylor13—you asked if I tell him when something bothers me. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Honestly, I feel like I have to repeat myself for the rest of my life because nothing ever sticks, and I'm just too exhausted to keep
“correcting” him. Like, when he says something totally tasteless to someone, I’ll say, "My God, how could you say that?" and he just shrugs and goes, "I was joking!" And then what am I supposed to say to that?
I resent that I have to listen to him drone on about his love life, though I finally figured out why I hate it. He’s still acting like a child himself. He’s constantly hunting for attention and validation from others (which, I guess, is exactly what I do, too?). He hasn't actually grown up; he doesn't act like a "parent" at all!! When is he actually going to start? I already know the answer.
And I throw his past mistakes in his face, but it doesn't make me feel any better; it just brings all my anger to the surface. I don't want to end up just like him—consturing and throwing accusations at people.

A few years ago, we used to know each other well enough to get into these massive, screaming matches, but it drains me so much that I just don't have the energy for it anymore.

Olivia Smith75—Yeah, I know exactly what he's like. But I can't say he's all bad; he has done good things.
He would help me out with anything material, I'm sure of that. I know he does the best he can and that he loves me in his own way and all that... but I think I'm still scared of him. That flash of rage and the craziness that takes over him... that's still living inside me.

Look, four sessions with a therapist is basically nothing. You haven't even scratched the surface yet, and honestly, it's hard to make real progress without serious group therapy—you know, being around people who actually get it? Where you see others dealing with similar stuff and it gives you the courage to finally open up, dive deep into yourself, and actually take steps toward healing... working through your thought patterns, the root causes of your anxiety, and how you relate to your dad... that's what real psychotherapy is about. But hey, if money is tight, you can't expect to feel better because mental health isn't cheap.
From what I'm reading in your posts, you see your dad for exactly who he is, but you aren't quite ready to grow up and take ownership of your own life as an adult. You're still so tied to him, even though you know deep down how he really is and how much it messes with you. You know you'll never be able to change him, and you know you've lost respect for him, but those complexes and all that pain you're carrying won't let you detach. Subconsciously, you want to punish him for everything he put you through. You don't want to move on; you want him to hug you and say, "Hey, neonsurfer2, I messed up, I'm sorry," and just make you feel loved. It's such a heavy burden to carry, and honestly, it's a huge illusion—it's never going to happen. You have to grow up and tell yourself, "I'm not a little girl anymore, I'm a grown woman ready to walk my own path." You need to find love within yourself, learn to love the people around you, and eventually forgive your dad for the bad times. He is who he is, he gave you what he could, and you have to let it go. Deep down, you don't feel like an adult yet, so instead of taking responsibility, you're looking for external validation for your pain—looking for someone to blame. Try to spot your emotional triggers and realize that the fear you feel toward your partner is actually just that core fear of rejection you felt from your parents since you were a kid, feeling like you were never enough. Your partner isn't your mom or dad. Give both him and yourself a chance to love, and yes, even a chance to get hurt, because life is worth it. Start journaling your feelings; try to connect those negative emotions back to your childhood. When you feel that fear of commitment, recognize it's just the fear of being rejected again. When you're afraid to say "no," realize it's just the fear of being judged by your parents. Most importantly, try to figure out who *you* actually are. What do you want out of life? Where do you see yourself in a few years? What makes you happy today? What gives your life meaning? Try to strip away everything that clouds that vision. If something is stopping you from chasing your dreams, realize it's the same mechanism your parents used to control you your whole life... making you feel like you don't have a right to your own life, your own choices, or your own feelings, and forcing you to just meet everyone else's demands—parents, teachers, bosses, boyfriends, friends... the whole thing.🙂

I find myself relating to your post quite a bit—more than I probably should, I guess.

How did I actually forgive him? Honestly, it was the exact moment I hit him with a bottle—mostly because he wouldn't stop talking nonsense—and told him straight up that I hated his guts. I made sure to let him know he’d better watch his back, too. I told him to just wait a few years until he's old and gray; then, I’ll be coming around every single day to give him hell while he's too weak to even put up a fight.

It wasn’t exactly my master plan to handle things that way—honestly, I just kind of snapped—but once the fuse blew, everything else just became completely irrelevant.
I’ve tried just about every type of psychotherapy out there—honestly, I’ve lost track of how many different specialists I’ve sat across from—but none of it has actually helped me find a way to forgive him. It’s been a long road, I guess.

I can't honestly say I've forgiven him—and let’s be real, I probably never will—but from that exact moment on, it all just became completely irrelevant...

To hell with psychotherapy. (With all due respect, of course)—but honestly, not a single therapist has done nearly as much for me as I’ve done for myself just by taking action.

You’re still out here desperately searching for a reason to keep him in your life. Look, I hate to be the one to say it, but using his physical labor or the fact that he drives you around as an excuse is just that—an excuse. There is undoubtedly someone else in your orbit who could help you with those things. It feels to me like you’re trying to force a resolution through sheer willpower. You’re holding onto this hope that he’ll suddenly have an epiphany, fix everything, and make it all right in some magical, painless way.

And that whole "he isn't a bad person" argument? In my opinion, that’s just a reflection of your refusal to accept who he actually is so you can finally move on without him. Nobody is purely evil; everyone has their redeeming qualities. But you shouldn't use those tiny sparks of good as a shield to justify all the wreckage he causes. If you do that, you could find a way to justify absolutely anyone.

You aren't a helpless child anymore. You're dealing with trauma that has bled into every single corner of your existence. You’ve constructed this internal universe where everything is inextricably linked back to your parents, but honestly, that’s just your own fixation. You crave parental validation so intensely that you’re blind to the fact that love exists elsewhere. You just have to give yourself permission to see it.

"How can anyone love, respect, or value me if my own parents didn't? How can I ever be special to someone when even my own family rejected me?"

To be perfectly honest, reading that part breaks my heart. I can't even begin to tell you how wrong you are. Where on earth did you get the idea that this was somehow your fault? Do you realize that your parents would have treated any other child exactly the same way? This has nothing to do with you; it is entirely about who they are. You aren't the culprit here—you're the victim. There is absolutely no reason why someone won't love, respect, cherish, and protect you. But more importantly than that, you have to start loving and respecting yourself, as much of a cliché as that sounds.

Take a look at the post above mine. Really sit with it and think about facing him head-on. Realize that he has no power over you; you aren't that vulnerable little girl anymore. You're carrying an irrational fear inside you, and you don't need this man in your life. Stop looking for excuses for him; you're torturing yourself and preventing yourself from living a normal life. Only once you purge him from every aspect of your existence will you realize he was never actually the center of it all. You’re the one who turned him into that. And you’re the one who has to dismantle him. Meanwhile, there’s a guy somewhere just grabbing a beer, completely oblivious to any of this drama. Don't let him win—these illusions and fixations are creating far too much chaos for you.

neonsurfer2 said:Thanks to everyone who jumped into my thread.

Looking back, I probably botched the title. It’s not just about forgiveness—I don't want the whole conversation to get stuck on that one word. There’s way more going on here. Primarily, I’m trying to overhaul how I act because my old defense mechanisms are either falling apart or morphing into something new, which honestly just makes everything feel more exhausting.
Even the word "forgiveness" makes me cringe. And don't get me started on all that trendy self-help fluff. It does absolutely nothing for me. I’ve read enough of those catchy titles to be completely over it.
Donna White50 pretty much nailed my situation. I’ve realized there’s still this little girl inside me who refuses to grow up (and frankly, I have no clue what it would actually take to fix that), and she’s still stubbornly trying to punish my father for everything he messed up. Because if I turn my life around and get everything together, then he gets to be smug about it. He’ll pat himself on the back for being such a "great" dad, while all my pain just gets swept under the rug like it never happened. The truth is, my needs, my desires, and my feelings were never really on the table. I was invisible. I had to bend to fit their world and suppress everything that made me *me*. Yeah, I always felt unprotected. That’s what I missed most—that sense of security, knowing someone actually has your back. Someone you can rely on instead of needing to run from. I’m terrified of rejection in relationships, and I didn't even realize how deep that went. How am I supposed to believe someone can love, respect, or value me if my own parents wouldn't? How can I be anyone's "special someone" when I was basically cast aside by my own family?

I don't want to talk about myself to him... I refuse to look "weak" in front of him. I don't want him to "win"... (as if this is some kind of competition??) even though logically, I never stood a chance in that fight since I was just a kid and couldn't stand up to him. My therapist told me he didn't even win—he lost. He lost my respect, which is the reality.

As for therapy, I only made it through four sessions before I decided I was done.
Part of it was the doctor. Back then, I was dealing with such intense mental fog that I could barely string a coherent sentence together. When I answered her questions, there was this massive lag; it was like I had to go digging through my brain just to find the words because they were hiding from me. And instead of understanding that, she basically implied I was making things up. Excuse me? There were other things about her approach I didn't care for, too. I mean, she helped a little, I guess, but for what I pay, the sessions were way too short and way too expensive.

Brenda Taylor13—you asked if I tell him when something bothers me. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Honestly, I feel like I have to repeat myself for the rest of my life because nothing ever sticks, and I'm just too exhausted to keep
“correcting” him. Like, when he says something totally tasteless to someone, I’ll say, "My God, how could you say that?" and he just shrugs and goes, "I was joking!" And then what am I supposed to say to that?
I resent that I have to listen to him drone on about his love life, though I finally figured out why I hate it. He’s still acting like a child himself. He’s constantly hunting for attention and validation from others (which, I guess, is exactly what I do, too?). He hasn't actually grown up; he doesn't act like a "parent" at all!! When is he actually going to start? I already know the answer.
And I throw his past mistakes in his face, but it doesn't make me feel any better; it just brings all my anger to the surface. I don't want to end up just like him—consturing and throwing accusations at people.

A few years ago, we used to know each other well enough to get into these massive, screaming matches, but it drains me so much that I just don't have the energy for it anymore.

Olivia Smith75—Yeah, I know exactly what he's like. But I can't say he's all bad; he has done good things.
He would help me out with anything material, I'm sure of that. I know he does the best he can and that he loves me in his own way and all that... but I think I'm still scared of him. That flash of rage and the craziness that takes over him... that's still living inside me.

I think I read somewhere once that only about ten percent of people are actually satisfied with their parents and how they were raised, so maybe we all just mess up sometimes... regarding your father, I wonder if he even seems like a happy person to you? Based on what you wrote about the life he’s led, I'd say he probably never learned how to show love to himself, so... well, how could he possibly show it to you? It feels like you're looking for some kind of atonement from him, but honestly, he might not even understand what you're talking about... because if he did, I don't think he would act this way. My suggestion, if you don't mind, is to try imagining him as just a neighbor who happens to live next door to you for your whole life; it might help create a more realistic picture of him as just a person... You seem like a mature woman, and even though you're struggling with all this subtext, I can tell there's strength in you, and I really believe you'll get through this... Once you figure out where he fits in your life—or if he fits at all—just focus on yourself. Maybe go get that driver's license, or find a good mechanic to help with those car repairs...

Opening up here on this forum has actually been a huge help.

I really needed this. Honestly, I was terrified of my own hatred, my intolerance, and just how much I loathed him. (Because, let’s face it, how are you supposed to hate a parent?) It was brutal to admit. Maybe I was still busy shielding HIM from the truth about himself, or maybe I was just shielding myself from the REAL TRUTH. I just had to get it out.
I needed someone to listen—someone to hear what my ACTUAL feelings are.

Reading your posts has helped; I find myself rereading them constantly, chewing on all your advice. You guys are pulling the blindfold off my eyes, and sometimes it honestly makes me feel physically sick.

So, I wrote him a letter. I laid out everything he did and exactly how it made me feel. That part was easy. Setting boundaries for my life right now? That was the hard part. It’s basically the way you deal with an abuser in that book "Toxic Parents" I read about five years ago—back then, I was too paralyzed by fear to even consider facing him. Now, I think I actually have the guts to tell the truth and look him straight in the eye.

While I was putting it all down on paper, I kept having this mental image of him chasing me with a whip.
Then the doubts started creeping in. Was it really that bad? Why am I doing this to them, to my own parents? I mean, they gave me "everything," right? —yeah, I know, those are just the "parental" voices inside my head. I know I've been manipulated. But I just need you all to know what's going on inside me.

And the doubts don't stop there—Do I really have to dig all this up from the past? Is there even a point? (I'm only hesitating because—and I have to emphasize this—he isn't a threat to me today. He's not hitting me, he's not lecturing me, and if I mess up, he doesn't criticize me. Actually, he wasn't even the one criticizing me; that was my mother. He was mostly just... absent. He worked constantly, Mom would complain to him about me, and then he’d end up yelling at me or hitting me, even though he barely knew anything about my life. He didn't even know my birthday or what year I was born. He was more like a guest who showed up every once in a while.)
If he were a total monster or had been abusive toward me his entire life, I wouldn't feel a shred of guilt about this. But how am I supposed to just dump all this on him??

And just so we're clear—he knows he can't "play" with me anymore. Over the last few years, I've stood up to his "regime" plenty of times and told him NO or told him he was wrong. And yeah, I see he's changed for the better; he's mellowed out with age. BUT I'm not making excuses for him anymore. That DOES NOT take away from what he did or what he failed to do in the past. I finally get that.

The thing I'm still wrestling with is whether I should ask for an apology in the letter. NO, I shouldn't—not because I need it, but because that's what the book says. Whether we get an apology or not, we win because we stood up for ourselves.
It's all a bit much for me right now, but maybe as time passes, I'll change my mind. I just REALLY don't know how his ego would handle it.

Maria Price3 said:I find myself relating to your post quite a bit—more than I probably should, I guess.

How did I actually forgive him? Honestly, it was the exact moment I hit him with a bottle—mostly because he wouldn't stop talking nonsense—and told him straight up that I hated his guts. I made sure to let him know he’d better watch his back, too. I told him to just wait a few years until he's old and gray; then, I’ll be coming around every single day to give him hell while he's too weak to even put up a fight.

It wasn’t exactly my master plan to handle things that way—honestly, I just kind of snapped—but once the fuse blew, everything else just became completely irrelevant.
I’ve tried just about every type of psychotherapy out there—honestly, I’ve lost track of how many different specialists I’ve sat across from—but none of it has actually helped me find a way to forgive him. It’s been a long road, I guess.

I can't honestly say I've forgiven him—and let’s be real, I probably never will—but from that exact moment on, it all just became completely irrelevant...

To hell with psychotherapy. (With all due respect, of course)—but honestly, not a single therapist has done nearly as much for me as I’ve done for myself just by taking action.

Thanks for sharing this!
If you're comfortable sharing, what was your father actually like to you? What's the biggest grudge you hold against him? But hey, totally fine if you don't want to dig through those memories... How is your relationship with him nowadays?

Olivia Smith75 said:You’re still out here desperately searching for a reason to keep him in your life. Look, I hate to be the one to say it, but using his physical labor or the fact that he drives you around as an excuse is just that—an excuse. There is undoubtedly someone else in your orbit who could help you with those things. It feels to me like you’re trying to force a resolution through sheer willpower. You’re holding onto this hope that he’ll suddenly have an epiphany, fix everything, and make it all right in some magical, painless way.

And that whole "he isn't a bad person" argument? In my opinion, that’s just a reflection of your refusal to accept who he actually is so you can finally move on without him. Nobody is purely evil; everyone has their redeeming qualities. But you shouldn't use those tiny sparks of good as a shield to justify all the wreckage he causes. If you do that, you could find a way to justify absolutely anyone.

You aren't a helpless child anymore. You're dealing with trauma that has bled into every single corner of your existence. You’ve constructed this internal universe where everything is inextricably linked back to your parents, but honestly, that’s just your own fixation. You crave parental validation so intensely that you’re blind to the fact that love exists elsewhere. You just have to give yourself permission to see it.

"How can anyone love, respect, or value me if my own parents didn't? How can I ever be special to someone when even my own family rejected me?"

To be perfectly honest, reading that part breaks my heart. I can't even begin to tell you how wrong you are. Where on earth did you get the idea that this was somehow your fault? Do you realize that your parents would have treated any other child exactly the same way? This has nothing to do with you; it is entirely about who they are. You aren't the culprit here—you're the victim. There is absolutely no reason why someone won't love, respect, cherish, and protect you. But more importantly than that, you have to start loving and respecting yourself, as much of a cliché as that sounds.

Take a look at the post above mine. Really sit with it and think about facing him head-on. Realize that he has no power over you; you aren't that vulnerable little girl anymore. You're carrying an irrational fear inside you, and you don't need this man in your life. Stop looking for excuses for him; you're torturing yourself and preventing yourself from living a normal life. Only once you purge him from every aspect of your existence will you realize he was never actually the center of it all. You’re the one who turned him into that. And you’re the one who has to dismantle him. Meanwhile, there’s a guy somewhere just grabbing a beer, completely oblivious to any of this drama. Don't let him win—these illusions and fixations are creating far too much chaos for you.

THANKS SO MUCH for this!!

(I don't know... just my childish logic and way of thinking, I guess..)

What does it actually mean to "forgive"?

Is it the absence of ill will toward someone—moving past actions that once hurt us as if they never occurred, or perhaps even understanding them? To see those actions as the only possible outcome given the circumstances, thereby rising "above" the pain to continue loving that person as they are?

Or, when we claim to have forgiven, do we simply mean that time has rendered us indifferent to everything, including the person themselves (which usually implies cutting contact forever)?

It seems to me that in the case of a total severance, we cannot truly speak of forgiveness, because forgiveness should imply an acceptance of that person as they are.

I recently experienced the latter regarding a friendship. There is still a mountain of things I would love to say to this person (so clearly, I haven't "forgiven" by any standard definition); I am still wounded, yet over time, a sense of indifference is beginning to take hold. It isn't as simple as my description suggests, of course, but I feel the situation drifting in that direction. For example, during the phase when everything was still raw, I knew I had to ignore any attempts at contact just to protect myself and my own peace. In truth, I would have preferred to use those interactions—which, naturally, never happened—as opportunities for further clarification. I would have laid out exactly what they did to me, and I would have welcomed them drawing a map for me to show how they felt and why things unfolded the way they did.
Now, the idea of saying anything at all feels nonsensical; I remain silent because, at this moment, silence is my preference. I have come to terms internally with the fact that our relationship wasn't worth the investment, that we both drifted into ignoring certain red flags from the start, and so on.

Since we will certainly never re-establish contact or normalize what was once a very intense bond, once I reach a point of complete indifference, it will be difficult to say, "There, I have finally forgiven." I won't have, because I no longer accept that person as part of my life; if I did, we would still be in a position to communicate.

Of course, when parents are involved, the entire matter becomes significantly more complex, and I lack any profound advice regarding the dilemma presented here.

James Foster4 said:I think I read somewhere once that only about ten percent of people are actually satisfied with their parents and how they were raised, so maybe we all just mess up sometimes... regarding your father, I wonder if he even seems like a happy person to you? Based on what you wrote about the life he’s led, I'd say he probably never learned how to show love to himself, so... well, how could he possibly show it to you? It feels like you're looking for some kind of atonement from him, but honestly, he might not even understand what you're talking about... because if he did, I don't think he would act this way. My suggestion, if you don't mind, is to try imagining him as just a neighbor who happens to live next door to you for your whole life; it might help create a more realistic picture of him as just a person... You seem like a mature woman, and even though you're struggling with all this subtext, I can tell there's strength in you, and I really believe you'll get through this... Once you figure out where he fits in your life—or if he fits at all—just focus on yourself. Maybe go get that driver's license, or find a good mechanic to help with those car repairs...

I’m done asking him for anything. I’ve let go.
He doesn't know any other way to be, I get that.

Thanks for the support, 🙂

neonsurfer2 said:I’m done asking him for anything. I’ve let go.
He doesn't know any other way to be, I get that.

Thanks for the support, 🙂

I'm just glad if I can help even a little bit... once you really process everything in your head and decide which direction your relationship is going to take, maybe try not to get swayed if your father starts playing the victim. You know, acting all old and lonely... they can be so manipulative like that.

neonsurfer2 said:THANKS SO MUCH for this!!

(I don't know... just my childish logic and way of thinking, I guess..)

Come on now, 🙂

Give someone a chance to actually get close to you. Honestly, I think a little love and attention would do you some good. And stop being so reckless with these wild conclusions and theories—someone else will eventually hear you out.

I’ve actually got this really special guy in my life right now, and being with him makes me realize just how much of a skeptic I’ve been—and honestly, still am—when it comes to men. He gives me so much attention and support, yet I find myself constantly second-guessing him... I just can't seem to let my guard down. I don't even know if I ever will, which breaks my heart so much I just end up crying about the whole thing..

Look, here’s the absolute most important part—you have this incredible person by your side.
Just give him your trust and see what happens; life will show you if he's truly earned it.
As for forgiving your dad—honestly, I think what you're doing is more like ignoring him.
You might never be able to fully forgive him for all the hurt he caused. It was a good move writing that letter, though; sometimes you just need to get it out to feel better. Let him know exactly where he stands.
If it were me? I’d probably just tell him off to his face and call it a day, even if I never spoke to him again. Don't let the baggage your parents handed you weigh you down—they did what they did, and hey, you didn't exactly ask to be born, right? They made that choice.
Trust me, you aren't the only one dealing with parents like that. But listen—there's a saying that goes: MY CHILDHOOD WASN'T PERFECT—BUT AT LEAST IT FINISHED.
You aren't dependent on your father anymore. You're 30 years old and you've got your whole entire life ahead of you!
Just lean into that special connection you have... because love really does work wonders. 👍