How do I break free from my own illusions?

shadowheron49 said:I can't even deal anymore. He won't...
anyway... he's just gone. (not dead, I think)

What do you mean, he "deleted" himself online? Did you guys only ever talk through the internet, without any phone contact?

mistyseal8 said:What do you mean, he "deleted" himself online? Did you guys only ever talk through the internet, without any phone contact?

Just texting and photos.
The absolute best guy's voice 😁
honestly, maybe it’s better if nothing ever happened...
I still remember my very first impression of him...
Total weirdo.
There was zero chance I'd fall for him.

But then I actually met him... and when I heard his voice while looking at that photo and those words... my heart just completely melted, I was sitting there totally frozen with his picture in my hand hearing him speak... I could only think... wow, is it even possible to fall this hard?
From a random internet stranger?
Oh boy, here we go, someone's gonna get hurt!

I went through something similar, and honestly, I’m still feeling the fallout from it. I fell hard for this guy. For about three months, we just existed in this orbit—me staring at him constantly, him noticing me once in a while, maybe less... but he knew how to talk to me. He actually knew exactly what to say to get under my skin. I think he was thinking about me too. Eventually, I couldn't stand myself anymore—couldn't handle how obsessed I was becoming—so I just bailed. I ran. I didn't see him again for nine whole months, but even now, he pops into my head way more often than I'd like to admit. I haven't forgotten him. Very few people ever truly get under my skin like that... maybe he's the only one who ever will.

mistyseal8 said:What do you mean, he "deleted" himself online? Did you guys only ever talk through the internet, without any phone contact?

Yeah, totally ghosted me... he jumped straight to saying we weren't a match because we disagreed too much or whatever...
I honestly couldn't even wrap my head around it at the time.
All I could think was, "Okay, fine, maybe we aren't meant to be, but I'm still crazy about you regardless."

Give him a call or just shoot him an email; you can't exactly just ghost someone like that. In my experience, the higher you build up these unrealistic expectations through online chatting, the harder the crash is when you finally meet in person. If I were in your shoes, I’d definitely sleep on it before making a move.

Kevin Young4 said:I went through something similar, and honestly, I’m still feeling the fallout from it. I fell hard for this guy. For about three months, we just existed in this orbit—me staring at him constantly, him noticing me once in a while, maybe less... but he knew how to talk to me. He actually knew exactly what to say to get under my skin. I think he was thinking about me too. Eventually, I couldn't stand myself anymore—couldn't handle how obsessed I was becoming—so I just bailed. I ran. I didn't see him again for nine whole months, but even now, he pops into my head way more often than I'd like to admit. I haven't forgotten him. Very few people ever truly get under my skin like that... maybe he's the only one who ever will.

😢
Honestly, my heart just breaks for anyone who has gone through something like that.
And reading all these stories about how long this "recovery phase" lasts—you know, the constant dreaming and reminiscing—it honestly feels overwhelming to me... like, I don't think I have the emotional stamina to sit around feeling this crappy for that long... I feel like I'd just crawl out of my own skin.
I'd honestly rather just deal with one massive, sudden heartbreak in a single day than this slow, agonizing drain on my soul.
I've never felt this kind of pain before... I guess you just have to experience stuff like this at some point in life to grow...
But calling it "pain" doesn't even feel right... it's more like... well, just an illusion, exactly like the title says...

mistyseal8 said:Give him a call or just shoot him an email; you can't exactly just ghost someone like that. In my experience, the higher you build up these unrealistic expectations through online chatting, the harder the crash is when you finally meet in person. If I were in your shoes, I’d definitely sleep on it before making a move.

That’s exactly what he was saying, too.
But see... it wasn't about his looks, or even his voice (okay, maybe a little bit 😂), or some photo that made me instantly lose interest...
it was really about how he thinks, his whole vibe, his soul... it's just him. Even if he weren't easy on the eyes, I'd still want him because he’s just... different. He's truly one of a kind.

mistyseal8 said:Give him a call or just shoot him an email; you can't exactly just ghost someone like that. In my experience, the higher you build up these unrealistic expectations through online chatting, the harder the crash is when you finally meet in person. If I were in your shoes, I’d definitely sleep on it before making a move.

But seriously, what am I even supposed to say?
🙂"I can't live without you..."
and he’ll probably just tell me to get lost, which would make me look totally pathetic, right? Like, can I actually get any more desperate than this? 😂I'm pretty sure I deserve an award for being the biggest loser ever...

shadowheron49 said:😢
Honestly, my heart just breaks for anyone who has gone through something like that.
And reading all these stories about how long this "recovery phase" lasts—you know, the constant dreaming and reminiscing—it honestly feels overwhelming to me... like, I don't think I have the emotional stamina to sit around feeling this crappy for that long... I feel like I'd just crawl out of my own skin.
I'd honestly rather just deal with one massive, sudden heartbreak in a single day than this slow, agonizing drain on my soul.
I've never felt this kind of pain before... I guess you just have to experience stuff like this at some point in life to grow...
But calling it "pain" doesn't even feel right... it's more like... well, just an illusion, exactly like the title says...

It isn't suffering, not really. 🙂
My biggest issue is that I just don't believe in love anymore, even though I know he liked me too—I could tell. But things were complicated. Now I'm stuck wondering if we'll run into each other in a few years and still feel the same way... if he hasn't already married someone else by then.😵 Or maybe his feelings aren't nearly as intense as mine, and in the end, it won't mean anything. Who knows...

Kevin Young4 said:It isn't suffering, not really. 🙂
My biggest issue is that I just don't believe in love anymore, even though I know he liked me too—I could tell. But things were complicated. Now I'm stuck wondering if we'll run into each other in a few years and still feel the same way... if he hasn't already married someone else by then.😵 Or maybe his feelings aren't nearly as intense as mine, and in the end, it won't mean anything. Who knows...

I used to think the exact same way... like, we're bound to cross paths again, we have to... it can't just end like this...

but honestly, I feel like I'm just digging myself deeper into a fantasy instead of just facing reality and moving on.

Hard truth.
Nah, it’s never happening.
He doesn't care, and he won't give you a second thought unless you literally drop a brick on him to get his attention—you basically don't exist to him, it was all in your head, and you're just trying to dig yourself out of the hole you made. Next time, you'll just shut down any guy who even looks remotely like him and that'll be that.

But man, that blunt reality really hurts...
and there isn't any magic cure for it.

shadowheron49 said:I used to think the exact same way... like, we're bound to cross paths again, we have to... it can't just end like this...

but honestly, I feel like I'm just digging myself deeper into a fantasy instead of just facing reality and moving on.

Hard truth.
Nah, it’s never happening.
He doesn't care, and he won't give you a second thought unless you literally drop a brick on him to get his attention—you basically don't exist to him, it was all in your head, and you're just trying to dig yourself out of the hole you made. Next time, you'll just shut down any guy who even looks remotely like him and that'll be that.

But man, that blunt reality really hurts...
and there isn't any magic cure for it.

Our situations aren't the same, even if we're both chasing ghosts...
I was just a pushover, and he was way too much for me to handle—I missed my window.
What can I say? Just don't let yourself pine for him. That kind of ache comes and goes... it's like watching a bad movie on loop. The real question is whether you can finally turn the screen off.

Maybe he’s just playing games because he knows you could have anyone you want, so he’s putting you on ice just to see how much you’ll actually take. Who knows what kind of mess his life is—maybe his career is a wreck or his relationship with his girlfriend is falling apart. Or maybe he's trying to become the best version of himself before things get serious, because if you're a total rookie—and trust me, I bet you are—he might end up losing out. There's always some hidden drama behind these things! Honestly, there's also the chance that when you finally meet, you'll both just sit there in dead silence. A guy won't reach out for one of two reasons: either he's busy working on himself or he's just not feeling it, or he's terrified he won't be able to keep up with you. I've been lurking on this forum for years and I can't believe I'm actually posting for the first time... I usually can't stand the online world and find the whole thing pretty ridiculous, but I guess there are perks, as we all know

Online forums are mostly nonsense, but I hang around here because I get to read stuff I’d never hear in real life, even if half of it makes zero sense to me. Honestly, I can't wrap my head around those "women's interest" threads—I have no clue why anyone finds that riveting. I’d much rather dive into a political deep dive, lose myself in a killer book, or just scroll through some hot people on Instagram, for real. To each their own, I guess; everyone's got their own little way of killing time 🎉

So, I’ve been looking for the right thread to drop this in—I wanted to find somewhere that actually fits, but honestly, whatever, I'll just put it here.

Basically, I’ve noticed this pattern with a few guys I know—it’s like this weird, obsessive fixation on one specific woman. Like, they fall for her back in middle school or high school and then just... pine for her for literal decades. And usually, she either didn't give them the time of day or just treated them like a platonic buddy. To them, she’s this untouchable queen, some perfect goddess. It gets kind of crazy because once they move on to someone else, they basically just adopt her tastes and interests as their own. It’s like they’re living in her shadow forever. These guys tend to be pretty soft, too—not assertive at all, never really had the guts to actually tell her how they felt. They never even dated her, and let's just say there was zero physical intimacy involved. It's like they're permanently stuck in some sort of adolescent fantasy land.

P.S.—oh, and regarding their sexual preferences? They often lean towards being submissive or wanting to be humiliated, etc.

What would you even call this? Is there a diagnosis for this kind of thing, and more importantly, how does anyone even fix it?

George Clark19 said:So, I’ve been looking for the right thread to drop this in—I wanted to find somewhere that actually fits, but honestly, whatever, I'll just put it here.

Basically, I’ve noticed this pattern with a few guys I know—it’s like this weird, obsessive fixation on one specific woman. Like, they fall for her back in middle school or high school and then just... pine for her for literal decades. And usually, she either didn't give them the time of day or just treated them like a platonic buddy. To them, she’s this untouchable queen, some perfect goddess. It gets kind of crazy because once they move on to someone else, they basically just adopt her tastes and interests as their own. It’s like they’re living in her shadow forever. These guys tend to be pretty soft, too—not assertive at all, never really had the guts to actually tell her how they felt. They never even dated her, and let's just say there was zero physical intimacy involved. It's like they're permanently stuck in some sort of adolescent fantasy land.

P.S.—oh, and regarding their sexual preferences? They often lean towards being submissive or wanting to be humiliated, etc.

What would you even call this? Is there a diagnosis for this kind of thing, and more importantly, how does anyone even fix it?

You definitely picked the wrong thread for this, but man, you nailed the description of the guy I'm currently dealing with—not him, me, you little brat 😂

I have no clue what that is... maybe masochism?
just a totally warped idea of love... something super twisted and probably really hard to "fix"...

ambercrane722 said:Maybe he’s just playing games because he knows you could have anyone you want, so he’s putting you on ice just to see how much you’ll actually take. Who knows what kind of mess his life is—maybe his career is a wreck or his relationship with his girlfriend is falling apart. Or maybe he's trying to become the best version of himself before things get serious, because if you're a total rookie—and trust me, I bet you are—he might end up losing out. There's always some hidden drama behind these things! Honestly, there's also the chance that when you finally meet, you'll both just sit there in dead silence. A guy won't reach out for one of two reasons: either he's busy working on himself or he's just not feeling it, or he's terrified he won't be able to keep up with you. I've been lurking on this forum for years and I can't believe I'm actually posting for the first time... I usually can't stand the online world and find the whole thing pretty ridiculous, but I guess there are perks, as we all know

I used to think it was different, trying so hard to explain that I didn't have any expectations and there was nothing to fear.

But over time, that little fantasy that my poor guy was just "scared" and couldn't handle it totally evaporated...
I just had to face reality...
He doesn't want me now, he won't want me in ten years, and he never did and never will...
And all those times we talked, hung out, were close... it only meant something to me, not to him...
He's just used to treating girls this way... he just went cold...
And I fell for it... I shouldn't have, I really shouldn't have... but I did...

How naive and young and inexperienced I was back then—it shows in the fact that when I realized he was rejecting me, I actually sat there wondering...
Wait... how is that even possible?
I mean, I'm in love with him, but how can I be in love if he doesn't feel the same? What kind of "love" is that even supposed to be? Seriously?

Up until then, I thought that if I loved someone, they had to love me back, because otherwise, what kind of love would that even be?
Man... I have no idea why I ever thought that...

The worst part is, I truly felt like he cared about me too; I don't know how I could have felt that way, but I did...
It was all just fiction... I just refused to accept that he didn't have to love me back...
But that's exactly how it turned out...
Simple and blunt as a punch to the gut....
I was just completely out of it.

They’re all just hunting for someone who can take charge, plain and simple—someone they’ll actually suffer for. Don't get me wrong, shadowheron49, I think you're exactly that type of dominant guy, but once you actually fall in love, it's game over for you... which is probably why you're so hooked on this virtual persona. Everyone is out there chasing their own specific fix; some people want to be coddled and babied, while others crave being insulted or put in their place through BDSM. The world is a messy, complicated place like that. You'll either find exactly what you're looking for or you won't, and if you fail, you'll either settle for something mediocre or end up flying solo just like me—and honestly, that's perfectly fine too.

Wait, did he disappear because you were just a distraction, or was he actually terrified that seeing you in person would shatter his little fantasy?

Who the hell knows what's actually rattling around in his brain... maybe he’s stuck thinking about how much you used to love him, or maybe the guy just has a thing for some twisted BDSM drama. For all we know, he’s out there chasing every skirt in town, or honestly, he might not give a damn about you unless it involves getting laid. Who can say? And here you are, losing sleep over it. He might not even realize you're in the room. You'd need to run a full FBI profile on him to figure it out, but let's be real—that's a tall order for people like us who basically live in our own little bubbles, though I guess if you put in the work, you might crack the code eventually.

ambercrane722 said:They’re all just hunting for someone who can take charge, plain and simple—someone they’ll actually suffer for. Don't get me wrong, shadowheron49, I think you're exactly that type of dominant guy, but once you actually fall in love, it's game over for you... which is probably why you're so hooked on this virtual persona. Everyone is out there chasing their own specific fix; some people want to be coddled and babied, while others crave being insulted or put in their place through BDSM. The world is a messy, complicated place like that. You'll either find exactly what you're looking for or you won't, and if you fail, you'll either settle for something mediocre or end up flying solo just like me—and honestly, that's perfectly fine too.

You've got a point there, in a weird kind of way... I guess what really hooked me was his... hmm, let's call it his refusal... because why else would I spend nearly two years struggling with him? it was such a whirlwind... and yet, there he was... and he was clearly drawn to that feeling of falling in love, even though we didn't talk about it constantly... we had our things, our shared interests and stuff... then out of nowhere, sparks would fly and we'd have these massive blowouts that were just unreal. maybe that's why he "vanished"—he didn't actually disappear, I think he just got fed up, he isn't that type... I feel like he started feeling bad for me and wanted to help since he sees he can't, or doesn't want to, for God knows what reason, so he decided to... just let me move on.
And I'm actually thankful for that... even though this phase is still hitting me pretty hard right now.

The hardest part is how long it lasted; I never actually touched him or saw him in person, nor did I ever get the chance to show him that I wasn't quite the person I might have seemed to be through a screen...
I have this nagging feeling that he doesn't truly know me... not the real me...
I'm just so sorry about everything...
That longing keeps haunting me... that heavy feeling that nothing ever reached its conclusion... like, where do I go from here?