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Both my parents have PTSD and I feel helpless

Started by Kyle Alvarez32 · · 👁 4 views · 23 replies

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Participants Kyle Alvarez32hollowcrane95mistyjackal842wanderingangler13Kevin Nguyen3blueorca72ironrider11Morgan Newman7Lawrence Bailey77Susan AllenEthan Mendoza4
Kyle Alvarez32 Kyle Alvarez32 NewcomerOP
6 messages
joined Sep 2014
#1 ·
I'm pretty new to forums, so please excuse any typos. 🙂

Let's get into it.

My parents both served during the American Civil War and have plenty of medals; my dad even worked his way up to a retired Captain. They both carry heavy pasts. My paternal grandfather took his own life due to alcoholism, and my father grew up in a very small, isolated town. On the other hand, my mother lived with her parents in Germany, where they ran a restaurant that served as a hub for intelligence agents linked to the James Comey case. She felt neglected by her parents—they didn't care for her and would actually mock her. She ended up getting pregnant at fifteen.

Afterward, they both went to war. My mother served as a combat medic while my father was a regular soldier who rose through the ranks quite quickly.

They saw all the worst battlefields, participating in operations from the coastlines to the deep interior.

I am eighteen now. I have attempted suicide multiple times, once at age ten and again at fifteen.

My sister is eleven. She is incredibly insecure and struggles to stand up for herself, likely because she fears the constant tension at home.

My parents fight constantly. I end up being the target of their outbursts; they don't hit me, but whenever something goes wrong, they take their frustrations out on me.

I am very confused. My social manners are odd; I tend to shut down and feel insecure. In school, my performance was so poor that I was placed in my sister's grade because of some issue I can't even explain—I'd write half a page and skip every other line.

I often act much older than I am. Sometimes I even step into a parental role, trying to keep my mom or sister in line.

I've become completely estranged from my father. We barely speak because he is extremely closed off and aggressive; he will find faults in anything and yell about them.

I go wrestling regularly. It is the only way I can release my energy. I have almost no friends left, and I haven't seen my last two in ages.

Sometimes I go out dancing at a club on Saturdays, but I'm too intimidated to talk to girls or say anything at all. I am just lost.

Please help me make this torture stop. I simply don't know why I'm living or what I truly want.
hollowcrane95 hollowcrane95 Member
15 messages
joined Sep 2014
#2 ·
Have you ever thought about starting therapy? I’d honestly suggest looking into it, because it really feels like you could use someone in your corner to provide a bit of steady support and stability that just isn't there at home right now...
mistyjackal842 mistyjackal842 Active Member
206 messages
joined May 2012
#3 ·
You should definitely reach out to a professional for some support. It’s just so important to find someone you actually feel comfortable trusting. I think once you do, everything will start to feel a little lighter. I’m actually heading to see someone tomorrow—someone who’s known me for years. I really trust them. I’m just hoping they can help me navigate this grief over my mom. I honestly regret not seeking help sooner. And, you know, if you just go through a standard referral, I’m worried they might not be able to give you the time you truly need.

Sent from my iPhone 13 using Reddit
Kyle Alvarez32 Kyle Alvarez32 NewcomerOP
6 messages
joined Sep 2014
#4 ·
I reached out to a counselor at Catholic Charities about four months ago, but he kept trying to push me toward becoming a missionary. That’s just not my thing; I just want a normal life and to find a girlfriend.

Does anyone know how long the wait usually is for a hospital psychologist referral? Also, is there any free mental health support available that isn't tied to religion?
wanderingangler13 wanderingangler13 Active Member
74 messages
joined Jul 2010
#5 ·
Kyle Alvarez32 said:I reached out to a counselor at Catholic Charities about four months ago, but he kept trying to push me toward becoming a missionary. That’s just not my thing; I just want a normal life and to find a girlfriend.

Does anyone know how long the wait usually is for a hospital psychologist referral? Also, is there any free mental health support available that isn't tied to religion?

Go see your primary care doctor to get a referral for a psychologist at the hospital. You might even be able to talk things out with your GP first. Look, you're 18—parents are always going to be parents, but you need to start living your own life. What school did you graduate from? Do you have any leads on a job?
Kevin Nguyen3 Kevin Nguyen3 Regular
425 messages
joined May 2013
#6 ·
Hey, Kyle Alvarez32, I really want to know—what is actually eating at you? What is your actual problem here??
Because honestly, I just don't get it.

I don't buy this idea that you're being victimized; you aren't even that clueless, and you have the internet at your fingertips... I don't know how old you are, but based on your posts, it doesn't seem like you're lacking anything essential in life. To me, this looks more like YOUR choice rather than a result of your circumstances.

You need to realize that you are... YOU. Your parents exist in a completely different reality. You can't follow them down their path; you have to forge your own. The sooner you grasp that, the easier things will become for you.
They are unwell, and they aren't to blame for that. They make mistakes, they harbor these strange, bizarre thoughts, and they often lack a sense of self, essentially destroying themselves over problems that aren't objectively large, yet they blow them out of proportion and live stuck in the past.
Anyone suffering from PTSD lives in some distant past that simply won't let them keep pace with the flow of life today.

What you need to do is find yourself. Find your interests and start planning your life with the realization that you have to live on after they are gone—get married, have kids, and all that stuff...
Realistically, there isn't much more that can be done for them; treatment is long-term and rarely yields satisfying results.

Think about yourself, not about them. Create some mental distance. Read, learn, and view your own growth as a way to eventually help them. Don't let yourself be tormented by things that you simply cannot change.
In a situation like this, try to be a source of help and understanding.

The whole situation isn't normal, obviously, but you don't get a second life. You have to adapt to the reality you were given and find what is best for you...
blueorca72 blueorca72 Newcomer
3 messages
joined Sep 2014
#7 ·
Kyle Alvarez32, I really hope this post helps you out a little bit—it’s from Taylor Swift:If anyone ever feels like they just can't go on because of things like this, here is what I want to say:

Just live. That's it. There are so many reasons. For one, taking your own life isn't a solution to anything—it doesn't fix the problem. And besides, things always, *always* have a way of changing. Plus, having a partner or a certain job... none of that defines your worth as a human being.

I'm 39 now. I've been through some incredibly rough patches—mostly mental health struggles, honestly. But this year, a dream I've held onto for years finally came true. My whole life has shifted.
Some might call it miracles, if you'll excuse the phrasing.

A "normal" life? What even is that? I busk—playing and singing my own songs out on the streets of the city. Most people wouldn't call that a conventional career, but for me, it's everything. I moved to the States from another country, and it was such a long, hard road just to get my residency settled. I'm far from my family—thankfully we get along great and talk all the time—but still, it's a whole new life, and I'm fighting this battle on my own now... maybe for the first time at 39.
And I love it!
I don't have a driver's license, I don't have a boyfriend, and frankly, I don't need them.

And God exists. God is there. He created you, and He loves you so much... more than your own parents ever could.

Faith matters.

Do you really think it's all over?
No way. There is always a path forward. Doors always find a way to swing open again. Light always finds a way back in. If you end it, you're robbing yourself of the chance to actually experience that. How tragic would that be? It might be waiting for you just around the next corner.

What I'm trying to say is: Don't despair. Don't give up on living. Just live, and when things get heavy, pray to the God who is ALWAYS with you, even when you feel completely alone. You aren't alone.

I truly hope someone special out there reads this.

Taylor Swift

I also completely agree with what Kevin Nguyen3 wrote.
Kyle Alvarez32 Kyle Alvarez32 NewcomerOP
6 messages
joined Sep 2014
#8 ·
Thanks everyone, I’m feeling much better! It's true, I'm 18, but since middle school wasn't my strong suit, I went the vocational route to become an electromechanic. Now I'm paying for a fourth year because I'm dead set on getting into West Point, so staying home is just what I have to do for now. But honestly, none of that really bothers me after reading all your kind words.
ironrider11 ironrider11 Regular
391 messages
joined Oct 2020
#9 ·
What’s with all this intense obsession over West Point?
Isn't the thread title basically saying both parents have PTSD?
Can we at least try to draw some kind of conclusion from that...
The National Alliance on Mental Illness; that could actually be a decent attempt at fixing society.
If only psychologists didn't view altruism through such a skewed lens.
Kevin Nguyen3 Kevin Nguyen3 Regular
425 messages
joined May 2013
#10 ·
ironrider11 said:What’s with all this intense obsession over West Point?
Isn't the thread title basically saying both parents have PTSD?
Can we at least try to draw some kind of conclusion from that...
The National Alliance on Mental Illness; that could actually be a decent attempt at fixing society.
If only psychologists didn't view altruism through such a skewed lens.

No, you're approaching it from the wrong angle.
While a military academy can certainly provide assistance, that doesn't automatically mean its focus is misplaced.
I know plenty of kids who feel it's in their blood to follow in their parents' footsteps or... perhaps to prove themselves by fulfilling their parents' unreached ambitions—my own son is serving in the U.S. Army, and there is no greater sense of pride.
Perhaps, when viewed through the prism of reality, that is simply how it works.
The core issue is whether the kid actually loves it and wants to pursue it, whatever that may be. That provides excellent motivation, and it could serve as a lasting way out of the psychiatric cycle. I truly hope so.

But, I do agree with you that psychology and its various tools might succeed in altering the landscape of our environment—our society—but from what I can see, given the constant financial crises, one has to wonder if it’s even possible.
That is why books exist for when people have free time; they can help to a certain extent, and one would get used to reading, which will surely be beneficial both today and tomorrow.
mistyjackal842 mistyjackal842 Active Member
206 messages
joined May 2012
#11 ·
I think I’m with Katherine on this one. Honestly, I feel pretty lonely myself. I have some friends, sure, but we rarely actually get together. Having more friends in my life would be really nice right now. But a boyfriend? I don't think I need that at the moment. I haven't really sorted out my career or found a steady job yet, so planning for a kid feels impossible. Even though I love kids and truly believe being a mother is a beautiful thing... I just don't know if I'll ever be able to make that happen. Still, I wouldn't want to rely on a husband for everything. I don't want to be dependent. My mom always worked her whole life, and I admire that.

Sent from my iPhone 13 using Reddit
ironrider11 ironrider11 Regular
391 messages
joined Oct 2020
#12 ·
Kevin Nguyen3 said:No, you're approaching it from the wrong angle.
While a military academy can certainly provide assistance, that doesn't automatically mean its focus is misplaced.
I know plenty of kids who feel it's in their blood to follow in their parents' footsteps or... perhaps to prove themselves by fulfilling their parents' unreached ambitions—my own son is serving in the U.S. Army, and there is no greater sense of pride.
Perhaps, when viewed through the prism of reality, that is simply how it works.
The core issue is whether the kid actually loves it and wants to pursue it, whatever that may be. That provides excellent motivation, and it could serve as a lasting way out of the psychiatric cycle. I truly hope so.

But, I do agree with you that psychology and its various tools might succeed in altering the landscape of our environment—our society—but from what I can see, given the constant financial crises, one has to wonder if it’s even possible.
That is why books exist for when people have free time; they can help to a certain extent, and one would get used to reading, which will surely be beneficial both today and tomorrow.

If paradox is the new logic, then yeah... then it doesn't matter what it is...
The root of the mental illness... both parents [examples, indicators, teachers...] suffered traumas caused by war events.
A "career" that puts him right back in the middle of it... or a "job" where his mere involvement—directly or indirectly—inflicts trauma on someone else;
which eventually means inflicting those same traumas on himself... the exact ones he once tried to run from;
to escape, to stop them [their derivatives]........?
But the parents will be proud.
Proud because their son followed the same path that broke them in the first place. It shows them all the horrors of his own existence.
A permanent exit from the psychiatric system through a "profession" designed to teach, drill, and shove an individual...
straight into combat zones? Into the absolute darkest depths of human existence?
Proud parents who survived that vortex of madness, so they want the exact same thing for their kid?
🤷
Morgan Newman7 Morgan Newman7 Member
47 messages
joined Nov 2020
#13 ·
Kyle Alvarez32 said:I'm pretty new to forums, so please excuse any typos. 🙂

Let's get into it.

My parents both served during the American Civil War and have plenty of medals; my dad even worked his way up to a retired Captain. They both carry heavy pasts. My paternal grandfather took his own life due to alcoholism, and my father grew up in a very small, isolated town. On the other hand, my mother lived with her parents in Germany, where they ran a restaurant that served as a hub for intelligence agents linked to the James Comey case. She felt neglected by her parents—they didn't care for her and would actually mock her. She ended up getting pregnant at fifteen.

Afterward, they both went to war. My mother served as a combat medic while my father was a regular soldier who rose through the ranks quite quickly.

They saw all the worst battlefields, participating in operations from the coastlines to the deep interior.

I am eighteen now. I have attempted suicide multiple times, once at age ten and again at fifteen.

My sister is eleven. She is incredibly insecure and struggles to stand up for herself, likely because she fears the constant tension at home.

My parents fight constantly. I end up being the target of their outbursts; they don't hit me, but whenever something goes wrong, they take their frustrations out on me.

I am very confused. My social manners are odd; I tend to shut down and feel insecure. In school, my performance was so poor that I was placed in my sister's grade because of some issue I can't even explain—I'd write half a page and skip every other line.

I often act much older than I am. Sometimes I even step into a parental role, trying to keep my mom or sister in line.

I've become completely estranged from my father. We barely speak because he is extremely closed off and aggressive; he will find faults in anything and yell about them.

I go wrestling regularly. It is the only way I can release my energy. I have almost no friends left, and I haven't seen my last two in ages.

Sometimes I go out dancing at a club on Saturdays, but I'm too intimidated to talk to girls or say anything at all. I am just lost.

Please help me make this torture stop. I simply don't know why I'm living or what I truly want.

That's actually solid. Everyone needs a way to blow off steam... sports are good for that...

Quincy:
Sometimes I head out to hit the clubs on Saturdays, but honestly... I just get too stuck in my head about talking to girls. Or even just saying anything at all. It's a mess...
It’s actually pretty common... even kids from well-off families deal with this exact same thing.

Quincy:
Thanks everyone, feeling way better now... Yeah, I'm 18, but school wasn't exactly my thing back in middle school. Ended up finishing vocational training as an electromechanic instead. Now I’m stuck paying for a fourth year because I’m dead set on getting into West Point, so staying home isn't really an option right now. But honestly, after reading what you guys wrote, none of that even matters anymore...
Life's wide open... total cliché, I know, but it's true. You're an adult now. Honestly, having that trade school background is a massive win—you’ve always got side gigs or freelance work to fall back on if a steady job isn't biting. And if you're dead set on going through a military academy? If you actually want it that bad, your chances of making it through are pretty high... passion counts for a lot...

ironrider11 said:If paradox is the new logic, then yeah... then it doesn't matter what it is...
The root of the mental illness... both parents [examples, indicators, teachers...] suffered traumas caused by war events.
A "career" that puts him right back in the middle of it... or a "job" where his mere involvement—directly or indirectly—inflicts trauma on someone else;
which eventually means inflicting those same traumas on himself... the exact ones he once tried to run from;
to escape, to stop them [their derivatives]........?
But the parents will be proud.
Proud because their son followed the same path that broke them in the first place. It shows them all the horrors of his own existence.
A permanent exit from the psychiatric system through a "profession" designed to teach, drill, and shove an individual...
straight into combat zones? Into the absolute darkest depths of human existence?
Proud parents who survived that vortex of madness, so they want the exact same thing for their kid?
🤷

It’s just a job. His parents didn't exactly pick this career path or sign up to be career soldiers... life just happened to them...

If that’s what he’s into, why not... he gets a scholarship, some actual structure and routine—stuff he never really had at home. Plus, once he's done, he's got a career locked in, which is huge these days. Nobody's saying he has to stay in that field forever...

My ex was a vet. Served in the military after coming home from the war, which caused some drama... then he finished his degree and moved into a career he actually cares about. Zero connection to the service. Life just takes you in different directions sometimes...

Sometimes it’s actually better if you actually want something... having skin in the game helps...
Kyle Alvarez32 Kyle Alvarez32 NewcomerOP
6 messages
joined Sep 2014
#14 ·
Regarding the military and West Point, it’s actually the complete opposite. My parents really didn't want me pursuing a military career at all, but I'm set on it. The idea of leading people and taking on that level of responsibility just really fulfills me.
Morgan Newman7 Morgan Newman7 Member
47 messages
joined Nov 2020
#15 ·
Then just study up and read more. Don't end up having to relearn everything you skipped back in high school because you were a slacker... if you hit a wall in college once those knowledge gaps get too big, they're a nightmare to fix.
Lawrence Bailey77 Lawrence Bailey77 Regular
302 messages
joined Mar 2015
#16 ·
Hang in there. Sometimes you just have to make sacrifices in life; if you let yourself completely break, I’m not sure anyone will be able to put you back together..

My own parents, despite being incredibly loving people, actually managed to crush me after a major tragedy simply because they were being foolish. I’m not trying to be defensive here, and personally, I feel for you—it’s a shame you allowed yourself to reach a breaking point—but one really must respect the limits of physical and neurological endurance..

It feels quite pathetic when people start listing all the "silver linings" and positive things to me while I'm in the middle of a crisis. However, I have to tell you that recognizing and being fully aware of the problem is the absolute foundation for any kind of solution. I only want you to remember not to lose yourself in the process and to take care of yourself.. and please, whatever the cost, hold onto your sanity! Once that's gone.. there isn't much help left.. most people don't even realize it.. It will take generations of professors changing their entire approach before they even learn how to ask the right questions, let alone provide answers..

Nature has favored the individual up until now, so I don't see why individualism wouldn't continue to be a better path than this mass schizophrenia we see today.. though, that is merely my opinion. ☕
Susan Allen Susan Allen Newcomer
3 messages
joined Sep 2014
#17 ·
I’m dealing with something somewhat similar, though perhaps not quite as intense as what you’re going through. My mother passed away, and my father is struggling with PTSD—even if he insists he moved past it years ago... He saw some of the worst combat zones out there, and now he can't sleep, lives with this heavy paranoia, and while he isn't aggressive, he’s just completely unreachable when you try to talk to him. He remarried, but that relationship isn't exactly thriving either, and I feel absolutely no connection to her... I have my own set of issues to unpack here too, which I'll get to
Kevin Nguyen3 Kevin Nguyen3 Regular
425 messages
joined May 2013
#18 ·
ironrider11 said:If paradox is the new logic, then yeah... then it doesn't matter what it is...
The root of the mental illness... both parents [examples, indicators, teachers...] suffered traumas caused by war events.
A "career" that puts him right back in the middle of it... or a "job" where his mere involvement—directly or indirectly—inflicts trauma on someone else;
which eventually means inflicting those same traumas on himself... the exact ones he once tried to run from;
to escape, to stop them [their derivatives]........?
But the parents will be proud.
Proud because their son followed the same path that broke them in the first place. It shows them all the horrors of his own existence.
A permanent exit from the psychiatric system through a "profession" designed to teach, drill, and shove an individual...
straight into combat zones? Into the absolute darkest depths of human existence?
Proud parents who survived that vortex of madness, so they want the exact same thing for their kid?
🤷

You are conflating actual warfare with a military draft!!!
The two aren't even remotely the same thing.

And honestly, it's right there in that specific misunderstanding where the whole logic of fleeing a military career just falls apart.
ironrider11 ironrider11 Regular
391 messages
joined Oct 2020
#19 ·
Kevin Nguyen3 said:You are conflating actual warfare with a military draft!!!
The two aren't even remotely the same thing.

And honestly, it's right there in that specific misunderstanding where the whole logic of fleeing a military career just falls apart.

The "draft"—or maybe just being a mindless drone during peacetime... it's basically a tool for one specific scenario.
Maintaining peace, right? Being XYZ thousand miles from home, "serving my duty" to some global agenda,
under a system I don't get at all, in a culture that feels totally alien to me........
acting as a peace offering. While decked out in full combat gear.
And obviously; just so we're clear, it's not about the money.
That's just some small change for the time I spend being patriotic and selfless......

Good luck to Khajit with his [among other things] military career/service.
Based on what was said; seems like he's got everything lined up to be a top-tier candidate for it.
blueorca72 blueorca72 Newcomer
3 messages
joined Sep 2014
#20 ·
Even Heraclitus once observed: War is the father of all things, the king of all things —it’s the idea that everything has to burn away if we ever want to see true peace, or for something actually better to rise from the ashes. Anyone who can't wrap their head around that... well, they're just being naive, aren't they?

Khajit made an excellent choice.

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