What happens and how can I help when my dad starts forgetting things?

I went through a divorce five years ago. At the time, my daughters were 18 and 14. Their relationship with their father was always strained; he’d barely make an effort to see them, constantly making excuses about how much he was struggling financially—only for us to find out later he was actually living with some woman he refused to mention. They'd meet up occasionally, so we just tried to make things work. He only ever paid child support for my younger daughter; he refused to pay anything for the older one since she was already an adult, and frankly, I didn't want to drag him through the court system just to deal with more unnecessary drama.

The bottom line is that he isn't broke. He kept the business we used to run together before the split (in hospitality), and he has his own apartment. He managed to walk away with all the savings, claiming it was necessary because I stayed in our shared home...

Now we’re facing the biggest issue of all: once my younger daughter turned 18, he stopped paying her support entirely. He found a new woman with a kid of her own, and now he’s focusing all his resources on them. He hasn't even reached out to his own girls in over a year. I pleaded with him and warned him that he couldn't just walk away like this, but nothing worked. Eventually, my younger daughter had to file a lawsuit for the unpaid support because, honestly, I was tired of us just sitting here taking his ego trips.

She actually won the judgment for the back payments and ongoing support, but then he went ahead and appealed it. That really crushed me. Part of me feels terrible that my daughter had to endure yet another humiliation, but on the other hand, we feel like fools. He and his new partner are using everything we built, while our kids are left to
scrounge around and earn money through part-time campus jobs.

I also filed a lawsuit to divide our marital assets. I thought fighting for what’s rightfully ours would make me feel better, but I can't stop thinking that maybe life would have been more peaceful if I had just accepted what we had. Still, for the sake of my daughters, I can't just leave everything to chance.
I don't feel smart doing this. It feels awful to be in this position, and I worry about the long-term impact on my daughters. Suing their own father—especially when he refuses to respect a court order—is devastating, and I can see it's taking a toll on them too. How do you survive all this and stay sane? 🤷

I grew up in a family dynamic just like this one. I have two half-sisters who are incredibly greedy, much like their mother. My wonderful mom passed away, along with my maternal grandparents. Now, I’m the only one looking after my dad, who was deeply affected by my mom's tragic passing. Honestly, his first wife was a massive mistake in his life—he realized that pretty quickly and moved out of that city as fast as he could. He was already divorced when he met my mom, though he always stayed current on child support. Not to mention, those two half-sisters actually cheated him out of money, so he didn't even speak to them for several years. It breaks my heart that they know Mom is gone, because from what I can see, the oldest one—who's eleven years older than me—actually seems to be gloating over her death. I've always tried to be respectful toward her, despite the fact that she struggles with raising a child with severe developmental disabilities. I really don't know what kind of obligations I might face regarding them down the road, especially since I'm the only one stepping up to care for and help my dad. And he always did right by them, making sure every child support payment was made on time. Still, I'm worried about how greedy they'll get; neither of them works, as they're both supported by their husbands. One of them, who has healthy kids, actually turned down a job at a major corporation just so she wouldn't have to work, even though I suppose you have to provide for your children somehow. I feel bad putting any pressure on my dad, though I have suggested some things in good faith, like seeing a notary during the estate settlement after Mom died, just to make sure I'm protected from any future issues.

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From what I can gather, one of my half-sisters really dragged out her schooling for as long as possible. Everyone knew the real reason, though—it was all about chasing child support, even though she wasn't actually sick or anything. They were always trying to play games, really exploiting my dad. He did his absolute best to take care of them, though there were definitely times when they’d push him so hard he wouldn't even speak to them. The truth is, I grew up with my father, while they didn't. My mother came from a very prominent, high-society family, and her parents were honestly terrified by the fact that my dad had gone through a divorce. I wasn't even born until five years after my mom and dad married. His first wife... well, she just wanted to use the kids to tie him down. My message to women is this: please don't do that. You can't trap a man using children, and you certainly can't force a marriage that way, because that kind of union is almost guaranteed to fall apart pretty quickly.

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I honestly don't get what everyone's upset about here. The guy decided to get a divorce because the marriage just wasn't working for him anymore. His kids are practically adults anyway. For his oldest daughter, he wouldn't even have to worry about child support since she's grown up and finished school. So, what is there to sue him for? Just because he had the nerve to leave you? I mean, I'm sure it would be nice if he stayed in touch with the kids, obviously. And as for splitting the assets, that happens automatically during a divorce anyway, so I really don't see the issue—unless, of course, you're just feeling hurt because he chose to walk away. At the end of the day, he deserves to live his own life too. So many marriages fall apart these days. Of course, it’s not right if some mistress is the reason everything crumbled. That's why, I guess, in this day and age, no woman should ever stay stuck at home and rely entirely on her husband.

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mistyjackal842 said:I honestly don't get what everyone's upset about here. The guy decided to get a divorce because the marriage just wasn't working for him anymore. His kids are practically adults anyway. For his oldest daughter, he wouldn't even have to worry about child support since she's grown up and finished school. So, what is there to sue him for? Just because he had the nerve to leave you? I mean, I'm sure it would be nice if he stayed in touch with the kids, obviously. And as for splitting the assets, that happens automatically during a divorce anyway, so I really don't see the issue—unless, of course, you're just feeling hurt because he chose to walk away. At the end of the day, he deserves to live his own life too. So many marriages fall apart these days. Of course, it’s not right if some mistress is the reason everything crumbled. That's why, I guess, in this day and age, no woman should ever stay stuck at home and rely entirely on her husband.

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Mistyjackal842, that’s low. Read the original post again. The woman didn't say anything about divorce or splitting up. She's simply unsure how to handle a father who thinks he doesn't need to provide financial support for his adult children anymore. When a man divorces his wife, he doesn't divorce his kids, does he?

There's no single answer. No one is in the shoes of the author or her daughter, so nobody knows for sure. Everyone's situation is different.
My suggestion: sit down with the daughters and have a calm, honest conversation. No pressure, no expectations. Compare two scenarios: the first where the father is sued for support, and the second where everything is just ignored and nothing is asked for. Let each person decide which scenario feels better. Then act accordingly.

Neither option is perfect. You pick the one that brings more peace. Some find peace by letting it go; others find it by fighting for what they are owed.

What kind of father thinks he's done providing once they hit 18? Disgraceful. It reminds me of those stories about kids in the foster care system—once they turn 18, they're considered adults and society just cuts them loose, leaving them to fend for themselves. This father is treating his daughters exactly like the state treats foster kids.😢

mistyjackal842,
what you just described has absolutely nothing to do with what I actually said; you’ve basically hallucinated an entire argument that doesn't exist. Honestly, I think you're spending way too much energy obsessing over my father's kids from his first marriage. At the end of the day, they're his children just as much as you are—they were around long before you were even a thought. There's just a lot of unnecessary bitterness in your post.

Austin Vaughn3 said:Mistyjackal842, that’s low. Read the original post again. The woman didn't say anything about divorce or splitting up. She's simply unsure how to handle a father who thinks he doesn't need to provide financial support for his adult children anymore. When a man divorces his wife, he doesn't divorce his kids, does he?

There's no single answer. No one is in the shoes of the author or her daughter, so nobody knows for sure. Everyone's situation is different.
My suggestion: sit down with the daughters and have a calm, honest conversation. No pressure, no expectations. Compare two scenarios: the first where the father is sued for support, and the second where everything is just ignored and nothing is asked for. Let each person decide which scenario feels better. Then act accordingly.

Neither option is perfect. You pick the one that brings more peace. Some find peace by letting it go; others find it by fighting for what they are owed.

What kind of father thinks he's done providing once they hit 18? Disgraceful. It reminds me of those stories about kids in the foster care system—once they turn 18, they're considered adults and society just cuts them loose, leaving them to fend for themselves. This father is treating his daughters exactly like the state treats foster kids.😢

We've talked about this extensively and decided we need to take action before they lose everything. There's significant wealth involved that was supposed to go to them per a pre-divorce agreement to ensure their security, but apparently, Dad "forgot" about that part of the deal.
The older daughter has graduated and earns money occasionally, while the younger one is still in college with zero income. On top of that, she’s involved in activities that aren't exactly cheap. Since I'm barely scraping by myself, we sometimes fall behind on bills. When that happens, she gets incredibly angry at her father for ignoring them while worrying about someone else's kids. Sometimes, she even turns that frustration on me, acting like it's my fault they're struggling.

That's why, when things like this happen, I feel so much heartache. It's miserable that children have to endure someone else's instability and end up in court just to fight for what belongs to them.

Meanwhile, Dad is out enjoying life with some aunt and her kids, while his own daughter sometimes doesn't even have enough cash for a coffee with her friends. It's just too much trauma for a sensitive girl to go through, and now, for a young woman.

I don't believe the law has feelings. It’s pretty binary—you either have a right to something or you don't. Whether he owes child support or not is a matter of facts: if the daughters are adults and aren't in school, then no. If they are, then yes. You can eventually force that through a US court, though it might take a decade.

Marital assets follow the same logic; the process plays out exactly how the law dictates. You might walk away with more than just an apartment, or you might walk away with nothing. There isn't much philosophy involved. As for the daughters being angry at their father, whether they choose to be or not is entirely their prerogative. People shouldn't try to manipulate those emotions or interfere with how they feel about him. They can feel whatever they want; it's none of your business. That relationship belongs to them and their father. You can have an opinion, sure, but there's no need to force it on them, right? Besides, it clearly hurts when your own daughters blame you for the divorce. Maybe they're right, though?

The real issue here is the emotional fallout—the perception that the other woman is "winning" while you're struggling with two daughters and he's living the high life. It’s essentially jealousy. But the law will settle its part in due time, won't it?

Personally, I find nothing more exhausting than people clawing at each other over property after a divorce. I built everything I own from scratch and I wouldn't give up a cent, but I'd also happily hand over every bit of my husband's estate just to be done with him. Let him keep it. As long as I'm healthy, I'll have enough for myself; I have no interest in fighting over his mansion or his cars.

And since the daughters are adults... look, my parents never gave me anything, so I don't understand why these girls expect anything from their father—especially one who is divorced and hasn't even been living under the same roof as them. I just don't get it.

I noticed everyone here is laser-focused on the assets—how there was a whole pile of stuff, how my father won't let us touch any of it, or how we lived together until the divorce, which was mutual...

Everything was running smoothly enough until about two years ago when this new woman entered the picture...

I appreciate the attempts to help, really, but I wasn't looking for legal advice, nor am I seeking lectures on the fact that my daughters are adults—even if one still needs child support...

What I’m actually asking is: how do you deal with all this disappointment? Has anyone else gone through something similar, and if so, what kind of fallout should I expect?....

cosmicorca18 said:I noticed everyone here is laser-focused on the assets—how there was a whole pile of stuff, how my father won't let us touch any of it, or how we lived together until the divorce, which was mutual...

Everything was running smoothly enough until about two years ago when this new woman entered the picture...

I appreciate the attempts to help, really, but I wasn't looking for legal advice, nor am I seeking lectures on the fact that my daughters are adults—even if one still needs child support...

What I’m actually asking is: how do you deal with all this disappointment? Has anyone else gone through something similar, and if so, what kind of fallout should I expect?....

Alright, look, this feels like a classic scenario where a divorced woman vents about her ex-husband, which honestly isn't news to anyone. The actual root cause of the split and how the ex-husband felt during the whole ordeal hasn't even been touched upon. Now, I realize that might not be the main point, but it’s just something that gets my mind racing when I try to process the full picture.

As for what the psychological fallout will look like, that's entirely dependent on the specific personalities within the broken family unit. Truly, no one can predict exactly how this will affect your daughters or how they will both ultimately navigate the aftermath.

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cosmicorca18 said:We've talked about this extensively and decided we need to take action before they lose everything. There's significant wealth involved that was supposed to go to them per a pre-divorce agreement to ensure their security, but apparently, Dad "forgot" about that part of the deal.
The older daughter has graduated and earns money occasionally, while the younger one is still in college with zero income. On top of that, she’s involved in activities that aren't exactly cheap. Since I'm barely scraping by myself, we sometimes fall behind on bills. When that happens, she gets incredibly angry at her father for ignoring them while worrying about someone else's kids. Sometimes, she even turns that frustration on me, acting like it's my fault they're struggling.

That's why, when things like this happen, I feel so much heartache. It's miserable that children have to endure someone else's instability and end up in court just to fight for what belongs to them.

Meanwhile, Dad is out enjoying life with some aunt and her kids, while his own daughter sometimes doesn't even have enough cash for a coffee with her friends. It's just too much trauma for a sensitive girl to go through, and now, for a young woman.

I hear you completely. Legally, it’s straightforward; any lawyer would tell you the same thing. You want to protect your children, to shield them from the emotional fallout. It hurts to see them endure this when they haven't done anything to deserve it.

But...

you can't actually protect them. They aren't blind; they know exactly what's happening. If they're hurt by their father's attitude—which they definitely are—they are ALREADY hurt. They are living with that reality now, and from what I see, they'll be dealing with it in the future too.

If the three of you decided action is necessary, then take it. As for the trauma, it's already present. Doing nothing won't shield them from it. Of course they're bitter and angry at him, but if you ignore the claims, they'll stay angry because he still isn't stepping up for them. Understand?

There is no way for you, as a mother, to fill the void left by his failure as a father. You can't make them stop feeling rejected by him. All you can control is how you act toward them. More talking, more listening, more being open so they feel they can vent their frustration or resentment to you. If they need to cry it out and move on, let them. Good luck.

mistyjackal842 said:I honestly don't get what everyone's upset about here. The guy decided to get a divorce because the marriage just wasn't working for him anymore. His kids are practically adults anyway. For his oldest daughter, he wouldn't even have to worry about child support since she's grown up and finished school. So, what is there to sue him for? Just because he had the nerve to leave you? I mean, I'm sure it would be nice if he stayed in touch with the kids, obviously. And as for splitting the assets, that happens automatically during a divorce anyway, so I really don't see the issue—unless, of course, you're just feeling hurt because he chose to walk away. At the end of the day, he deserves to live his own life too. So many marriages fall apart these days. Of course, it’s not right if some mistress is the reason everything crumbled. That's why, I guess, in this day and age, no woman should ever stay stuck at home and rely entirely on her husband.

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I’d love to hear from anyone whose father bailed before they could even walk, only to vanish completely just to dodge child support payments.

Yeah, there are plenty of pieces of trash like that out there.

Growing up with a single mom, dealing with the stigma, the inferiority complex... you feel like a total outcast at school.

Years have passed, life has chewed me up and spat me out, and now I'm an adult. The system didn't protect me when it mattered; there was no compensation, no closure, and zero justice. I don't even know where that monster of a father is living now.

So, bottom line: if you didn't go through what I did, then your life is pretty much fine.

Paul White80, 👋 I have never allowed myself to carry any stigma, so I simply don't possess it.
cosmicorca18,
In my view, you made a mistake by not pursuing him through the courts; by choosing to save your own peace instead, you weren't actually sparing your daughter’s "frustration." When something rightfully belongs to her, she should fight for it. It seems to me you might be projecting a bit, but that is how it looks from my perspective. There is no sense in beating yourself up over things that are already set in stone. My assumption is that your younger daughter "pushed" you into this legal action. 🤷

My daughter won the court order regarding back payments and future support, yet her father has filed an appeal. This has been devastating for me. I feel a deep sense of regret that my daughter has to endure yet another humiliation, while on the other hand, we feel like fools because he and his new partner are utilizing everything we once had, while our children have to make do and earn their way through part-time jobs and campus gigs.

I understand why this bothers you, but what can one say? Other "children" who aren't in this specific situation also find ways to scrape by and earn what they need. There is nothing unusual or shameful about that. In fact, it is good that they are developing a strong work ethic. Why view an appeal as a humiliation? The father is the one humiliating himself with his behavior, not the daughter. It is up to her to hold her ground if she believes it is the right thing to do. Your role is simply to provide support.

I am not a wise person, and it feels terrible to have to go through this. I worry about the long-term consequences for my daughters—suing their own father, especially when he refuses to respect even a court ruling, feels awful, and I see it affecting them too. How does one survive all of this and remain a sane person? 🤷

I believe these circumstances are taking a much heavier toll on you than on your daughters. As for how to survive? Accept the reality that some people are simply foolish individuals who may only realize their mistakes on their deathbeds. Forgive him as a human being, if only for your own sake and for your daughters'. Move forward with your lives. You truly can. You cannot re-educate him, so there is no point in wasting energy on someone you cannot influence. Bitterness and anger will only consume YOU. Simply focus on the legal claims so your daughters have some level of financial security if possible, and spend the rest of your time focusing on positive things.
As long as your younger daughter understands why she is angry and knows who is responsible—rather than blaming the other children—then it is healthy for her to express herself. Communication is vital, though if I were in your shoes, I would quickly move past any finger-pointing. Personally, I wouldn't get too hung up on the property, but I would certainly fight for what is owed. Whatever happens, life is full of injustices. 🤷 It is rare to maintain a clean conscience in situations like this. If your daughters maintain a positive relationship with that woman and her children, perhaps things could unfold differently?

This is far too much trauma for such a sensitive girl, who is now a young woman.

That might be a flawed argument, but there are much larger traumas in this world involving living people. I suspect the emotional trauma is actually amplified by how much weight you give to it; I would argue she isn't taking it to heart as much as she is simply feeling angry. He has already shown us his true character, so if I were you, I would already be feeling pity for that woman and her children, as they have no idea what they have naively stepped into. Everything comes back around eventually.

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? I'm wondering what kind of lasting impact it leaves behind...

It isn’t easy, I completely agree with you on that. As for the consequences? For me, it meant growing up much faster. I realized that my actions actually carry weight, and I learned the importance of forgiveness. I haven't forgotten what happened, but I don't hold any grudges. I know people who have faced far worse than what you're going through, yet they emerged from it capable, self-assured, and truly grounded.
I believe that you and your daughters can navigate your way out of this complicated situation quite successfully if you simply reevaluate your priorities. This isn't the end of the world.

My dad basically just "forgot" about my sister and me.

I was eight when they split up; she was only three.
She always adored him—she was too little to grasp what was actually happening. I, on the other hand, saw everything. I knew he was cheating on Mom, and I understood exactly what divorce meant.

He paid child support for maybe two years after the split, then stopped entirely once Mom remarried. In his mind, since she had a new husband, we’d just be living off their money, going on vacations, and spending it on ourselves or whatever nonsense he imagined.

The fallout? My sister and him have always been tight. She’d spend weekends with him, go on beach trips with him and his new wife, and stay close with their whole family. I could never forgive him for how he dropped us. It felt like we were just pieces of evidence in a courtroom settlement. He never truly looked out for us or tried to earn our affection back.

I'm 23 now. It wasn't until four years ago that I started talking to him again, mostly because my partner nudged me. They told me, "Look, he's still your father. You should at least be on speaking terms."

Our relationship is stuck in this weird middle ground. My sister still spends her weekends with him, goes on those trips, and hangs out with him and his wife. As for me? I see him maybe once every few months for a couple of hours.

cosmicorca18
A lot of this story isn't adding up. Why did the relationship between the father and his daughter actually fall apart?
Honestly, sounds like you’re just projecting your own jealousy onto the daughter. If I'm reading this right, everything went south the second the new woman showed up.
Who the hell this new woman is or whose kids she's looking after shouldn't even matter here, yet you keep bringing it up constantly.
I'm not saying your reasoning is right, but there’s definitely a reason he suddenly stopped giving a damn about his kids.

Well, it’s because those kids are adults now and they aren't in school anymore, so he doesn't really have to worry about them if he doesn't want to. And honestly, even if he does step up and takes care of them now, who's to say those daughters will be there for him when he gets older? It sounds a bit harsh, I know, but that's just how life works sometimes. Besides, a guy going through a divorce should at least have the right to live his life the way he chooses.

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I mean, honestly, nobody died just so we could spend all this time mourning or feeling sorry for a first wife. Besides, the division of marital assets should have been legally finalized ages ago. It’s really no different than when a probate hearing is scheduled by a notary two months after someone passes away. At the end of the day, it's just a legal matter regarding property division, plain and simple.

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rustywolf65 said:cosmicorca18
A lot of this story isn't adding up. Why did the relationship between the father and his daughter actually fall apart?
Honestly, sounds like you’re just projecting your own jealousy onto the daughter. If I'm reading this right, everything went south the second the new woman showed up.
Who the hell this new woman is or whose kids she's looking after shouldn't even matter here, yet you keep bringing it up constantly.
I'm not saying your reasoning is right, but there’s definitely a reason he suddenly stopped giving a damn about his kids.

Long story short, I haven't tried to meddle in their business because they're all adults now.
The issues surfaced when their father met this woman on a dating app; he was lonely and wanted someone to take care of him—cook, clean, that sort of thing. But gradually, things shifted. When the daughters would make plans with him, he’d just ghost them because he had to go somewhere with her. Or, if he did show up, she’d be blowing up his phone every hour asking when he'd be home. On top of that, he’d start lecturing the daughters on how they "should" be behaving toward their father...

Her kids are grown, and just like her, they're doing whatever it takes to finally secure the comfortable life they've never had before.

To reiterate: the woman and the money aren't the core issue. I'm asking anyone who has dealt with something similar: how did you get through it? Because even though I'm handling my legal matters, I can't fix the mental clutter and the chaos in my head unless I find a way to process everything internally first.

cosmicorca18 said:Long story short, I haven't tried to meddle in their business because they're all adults now.
The issues surfaced when their father met this woman on a dating app; he was lonely and wanted someone to take care of him—cook, clean, that sort of thing. But gradually, things shifted. When the daughters would make plans with him, he’d just ghost them because he had to go somewhere with her. Or, if he did show up, she’d be blowing up his phone every hour asking when he'd be home. On top of that, he’d start lecturing the daughters on how they "should" be behaving toward their father...

Her kids are grown, and just like her, they're doing whatever it takes to finally secure the comfortable life they've never had before.

To reiterate: the woman and the money aren't the core issue. I'm asking anyone who has dealt with something similar: how did you get through it? Because even though I'm handling my legal matters, I can't fix the mental clutter and the chaos in my head unless I find a way to process everything internally first.

Divorced, three kids.
I don't let anyone interfere with my relationship with them. You say they had a bad relationship before and it wasn't traumatic, but suddenly they're traumatized now that he stopped paying up? Give me a break.
So what if he calls them or gives them advice? That doesn't change how they feel about their dad.
Now you're back at it again, talking about her and her kids, clearly trying to mess with the daughters' heads.
Everyone deals with disappointment. Some handle it, some look for help.
Money isn't going to erase the fact that a father and his daughters just don't click.
Love isn't measured in dollars. Even if he pays child support, that's an obligation, not love.
It's obvious you've both dragged the kids into this divorce battle. No offense, but I might be right here.

I honestly don't think you have much to worry about here, mostly because the courts almost always side with the
mother/children in these situations. The only thing I can't quite wrap my head around is why the lawsuit regarding assets—specifically why it's being filed so late
after the divorce was finalized—is even happening, since that just makes everything a massive headache.
Anyway, you know the drill, the usual advice: seeing a therapist is never a bad idea. You could go together with
the girls, or just on your own, it doesn't really matter.