#1 ·
Hi, I'll try to keep this relatively short!
I have a brother who is 23, and he’s just... really introverted and shy. Lately, he’s been feeling pretty down—almost constantly on the verge of tears. Back in elementary school, he was bullied quite a bit, which definitely left some marks. He didn't have those same issues in high school, but I think those childhood experiences still linger—he hasn't really formed close bonds with anyone, even though people genuinely want to hang out with him. He never used to go out; he'd sometimes lie and say his mom wouldn't let him, and he basically missed out on having those typical American teenage years. After high school, he took a three-year gap because he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, but he eventually enrolled in a super competitive university program and is now in his second year.
He actually has an amazing sense of humor, and we're really close—there are three of us kids in our family—and we don't really have any friction with our parents. He doesn't *have* to work; nobody is forcing him to, his only real obligation is college, and honestly, he’s doing great academically. Over the last few years, he's actually improved how he interacts with people—he isn't as shy anymore, and he doesn't get defensive or harsh when we talk about friendships or social stuff (before, he used to say everyone was the same, that he didn't care, that he didn't need anyone). Now, I can see that he *does* care, he just... I guess he just doesn't know how to make the first move. He struggles with social cues—like, if he's hanging out with me and my girlfriends, he can joke around and talk fine—but initiating contact on his own? That's clearly not happening. He overthinks everything so much, and he's just constantly in a bad mood.
He's set these incredibly high standards for himself at school—it's almost unrealistic. Like, his whole day feels ruined if he doesn't hit a specific number of study hours. He’s always complaining that he "wasted" those years after high school, and he keeps circling back to the idea that he made a mistake, that he's falling behind everyone else, and that he needs to pull 6-7 hours of extra work outside of class just to catch up to where people he admires were at his age.
I just can't shake this feeling of wanting to help him forgive himself (even though, in my eyes, he hasn't done anything wrong—he just took a little extra time, which is totally normal!). He knows he wants to pursue this career path, and he's actually received glowing feedback and critiques from professionals in the field—but he still just eats himself alive with regret and constant overthinking.
I think it really hurts him that he doesn't have close friends and doesn't fit the mold of people our age. Whenever I suggest something, he just says, "I could try, but I know it won't work."
I'm at a loss for what to do. His headspace affects the whole house; we're all worried about him. I suggested he talk to a therapist, but he said he tried once back in high school and felt like it didn't help at all.
I really feel like talking to someone outside the family would help. He needs to stop being so hard on himself and just learn to let go. To be honest, I was really worried about him before; I thought maybe he'd never change, or that he'd never find a passion or something he actually cared about.
But now, I'm actually feeling pretty peaceful when I think about him. He's young, he's incredibly talented, and he's succeeding in his chosen field. He's interesting, smart, has a great sense of humor, and people truly love him. It's just that he needs to realize nothing is lost—that things can change every single day. He needs to understand there isn't some universal rulebook for how life "should" be lived. Just because his path looked different up until now doesn't mean it's worse than anyone else's, or that he can't fix the areas where he feels unsatisfied.
So, how can I help? I can't exactly drag him out with me—he's not a kid anymore, and it wouldn't make sense to force him to hang out with me and my friends, plus I'm not exactly looking to party all night either. We might go to a movie or take a walk together, and he does grab coffee with classmates after lectures, but that underlying dissatisfaction is always bubbling up, usually in the form of that awful regret over his "lost" years.
A psychologist? How do I convince him? Something else? Please don't suggest activities, workshops, or classes—he rejects those instantly. He tried volunteering and various courses before and ended up disappointed by them. I really think it has to start with him. If he can build up some much-needed self-confidence and stop blaming himself—well, I think he'll be happier, find it easier to open up, and maybe finally make some real friends.
Sorry if this turned into a bit of a novel—my bad! It’s just that this whole topic feels so complex, and honestly, it hits pretty close to home for me, so I really wanted to make sure I included all the important details. Thanks so much for bearing with me—I’m really hoping to get some thoughts, feedback, or maybe even a little advice from you guys!
I have a brother who is 23, and he’s just... really introverted and shy. Lately, he’s been feeling pretty down—almost constantly on the verge of tears. Back in elementary school, he was bullied quite a bit, which definitely left some marks. He didn't have those same issues in high school, but I think those childhood experiences still linger—he hasn't really formed close bonds with anyone, even though people genuinely want to hang out with him. He never used to go out; he'd sometimes lie and say his mom wouldn't let him, and he basically missed out on having those typical American teenage years. After high school, he took a three-year gap because he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, but he eventually enrolled in a super competitive university program and is now in his second year.
He actually has an amazing sense of humor, and we're really close—there are three of us kids in our family—and we don't really have any friction with our parents. He doesn't *have* to work; nobody is forcing him to, his only real obligation is college, and honestly, he’s doing great academically. Over the last few years, he's actually improved how he interacts with people—he isn't as shy anymore, and he doesn't get defensive or harsh when we talk about friendships or social stuff (before, he used to say everyone was the same, that he didn't care, that he didn't need anyone). Now, I can see that he *does* care, he just... I guess he just doesn't know how to make the first move. He struggles with social cues—like, if he's hanging out with me and my girlfriends, he can joke around and talk fine—but initiating contact on his own? That's clearly not happening. He overthinks everything so much, and he's just constantly in a bad mood.
He's set these incredibly high standards for himself at school—it's almost unrealistic. Like, his whole day feels ruined if he doesn't hit a specific number of study hours. He’s always complaining that he "wasted" those years after high school, and he keeps circling back to the idea that he made a mistake, that he's falling behind everyone else, and that he needs to pull 6-7 hours of extra work outside of class just to catch up to where people he admires were at his age.
I just can't shake this feeling of wanting to help him forgive himself (even though, in my eyes, he hasn't done anything wrong—he just took a little extra time, which is totally normal!). He knows he wants to pursue this career path, and he's actually received glowing feedback and critiques from professionals in the field—but he still just eats himself alive with regret and constant overthinking.
I think it really hurts him that he doesn't have close friends and doesn't fit the mold of people our age. Whenever I suggest something, he just says, "I could try, but I know it won't work."
I'm at a loss for what to do. His headspace affects the whole house; we're all worried about him. I suggested he talk to a therapist, but he said he tried once back in high school and felt like it didn't help at all.
I really feel like talking to someone outside the family would help. He needs to stop being so hard on himself and just learn to let go. To be honest, I was really worried about him before; I thought maybe he'd never change, or that he'd never find a passion or something he actually cared about.
But now, I'm actually feeling pretty peaceful when I think about him. He's young, he's incredibly talented, and he's succeeding in his chosen field. He's interesting, smart, has a great sense of humor, and people truly love him. It's just that he needs to realize nothing is lost—that things can change every single day. He needs to understand there isn't some universal rulebook for how life "should" be lived. Just because his path looked different up until now doesn't mean it's worse than anyone else's, or that he can't fix the areas where he feels unsatisfied.
So, how can I help? I can't exactly drag him out with me—he's not a kid anymore, and it wouldn't make sense to force him to hang out with me and my friends, plus I'm not exactly looking to party all night either. We might go to a movie or take a walk together, and he does grab coffee with classmates after lectures, but that underlying dissatisfaction is always bubbling up, usually in the form of that awful regret over his "lost" years.
A psychologist? How do I convince him? Something else? Please don't suggest activities, workshops, or classes—he rejects those instantly. He tried volunteering and various courses before and ended up disappointed by them. I really think it has to start with him. If he can build up some much-needed self-confidence and stop blaming himself—well, I think he'll be happier, find it easier to open up, and maybe finally make some real friends.
Sorry if this turned into a bit of a novel—my bad! It’s just that this whole topic feels so complex, and honestly, it hits pretty close to home for me, so I really wanted to make sure I included all the important details. Thanks so much for bearing with me—I’m really hoping to get some thoughts, feedback, or maybe even a little advice from you guys!