Dealing with parental guilt: Am I "abandoning" them?

Freud once suggested that the guilt felt by younger generations toward their elders would become one of our greatest future struggles. It’s this heavy sense of debt because we live better lives, possess more, and chase our own versions of happiness. I think he hit the nail on the head.

My own guilt feels much more grounded, much more personal. I’m living 25 miles supported by my parents while trying to carve out a life of my own. But I feel terrible. I feel guilty for leaving them behind when they are "old and frail"—which isn't even entirely true, since they used to be quite selfish and difficult—but the feeling persists regardless. Sometimes, I feel guilty just for being alive, or for not "trudging through two feet of snow just to put food on your table," as my father used to say.

How do you all deal with this kind of guilt, if you experience it at all? How do you let it go?
Logically, I know it isn't justified. Rationally, I understand that. And yet, I just can't shake this feeling...

Look, I can't say it doesn't matter—it definitely does—but then again, I have to ask myself: would I have actually accomplished anything if I’d just stayed stuck in the same old place? You've got to let logic play a part in this too 😉

Let’s be real—parents definitely played a part in shifting that blame onto kids, rather than just blaming the modern era we're stuck in (if we're even living in one at all). It's a tough cycle to break, but honestly? Just remember that carrying that guilt doesn't actually get you anywhere.

Sure, there’s no denying parents carry a huge chunk of the blame here—it’s actually triple what it would be otherwise. But honestly? I think this weight would still exist even if they hadn't been involved.

How did you all manage to shake that feeling?

Lately, I’ve been trying to tell myself that they were entitled to their own lives, just like I’m entitled to mine. And
besides, they had to leave their own parents behind too. It’s the same cycle. If anything, I think they were even harsher on their folks than I’ve been on mine. Thinking about it helps a little, though barely...

Then again, looking at it from another angle, my parents definitely struggled more in certain ways—they had so much less than we do now. But then again, how is that my fault? Right?

Still, I can't help but feel Freud was onto something. This sense of generational guilt is definitely real for everyone; it just hits some people harder than others..

In my book, that’s such a heavy thing to carry—it’s not something you just shake off overnight, especially since it’s usually tangled up with a whole mess of other feelings regarding your parents. I still firmly believe that most of that guilt was pushed onto you by them, whether they meant to or not.
Like, that point you made about the snow...
Look, you have every right to live your own life. And for the record, it isn't your fault.

Psychotherapy? 🙂

Let me know when you find out.
The guilt is eating me alive. I know if I were anyone else, I would have cut my mother out of my life ages ago. But I kept pushing, kept trying, until I was right on the edge of breaking. Now that I’ve finally distanced myself, the guilt is physical. Just thinking about having to visit her gives me stomach cramps and nausea; I feel sick for days afterward. I can't even explain why or how it got this bad. Most people I know just deal with it—people in their fifties are still living under the thumb of parents exactly like hers, stuck in endless cycles of fighting or being controlled over the phone. I wouldn't last a day in that. But this isn't easy either. I just carry this constant, heavy sense of guilt toward everything and everyone. It's exhausting. 😢

Perhaps we should examine this from a different angle altogether...😉

I am curious—where exactly do you all draw the line regarding:
—the balance between respecting one's parents and simply acknowledging generational divides?
—the weight of responsibility we owe them?
—and the empathy required to understand the sheer pain and uncertainty parents face when their children vanish, cutting off all communication entirely?

To be clear, I am referring to standard, well-meaning parents here—not abusers.
It is practically a universal truth that no adult child exists without some level of friction with their parents—be it disagreements over values, lifestyle choices, or that innate, driving urge to break free from parental influence.

But where does the boundary lie?

Ever since the war era, there was this growing sentiment sweeping through the States, almost as a mantra: "get as far away from your parents as possible!"
The idea was that children shouldn't be pushovers—they shouldn't let their parents meddle in their lives or dictate their path.😉
Then, of course, came the economic downturn and the waves of unemployment. Suddenly, almost overnight, we saw children—along with their entire families, most of whom had established themselves far from home—moving back under their parents' roofs.😉

Interestingly, parents weren't quite as suffocating or possessive as they once were.
Having extra space and an extra set of hands contributing to the household—even with Social Security checks coming in—wasn't a bad thing at all.

And here is the kicker.

Children don't suddenly reject the inheritance left by those very same "suffocating" parents—parents they often don't even bother to check in on...

There is a certain sense of guilt inherent in every child—and believe me, we have all been there—that isn't necessarily forced upon us by our parents. If a person is mature enough to establish healthy boundaries without fleeing from the duty and respect owed to a mother or father—regardless of how much more worldly, educated, or fundamentally different their worldview may be compared to the previous generation!

Look, a kid just doesn't have the capacity to set their own boundaries. It’s during those first few years where everything—their conscience, that sense of guilt, all of it—really starts to take shape.
And honestly? The idea that we should respect, understand, and support parents—assuming they aren't being abusive in some way—is just a good principle to live by on its own merit.

Exactly. Parents are the ones who set the entire tone for the parent-child dynamic. By virtue of bringing them into this world and raising them, they hold the reins. So, if there’s a breakdown in that relationship? Well, the responsibility falls squarely on the shoulders of the caregivers first and foremost.

@Jeffrey Fisher5, I think you might have missed the mark on this topic. There are actually a few different threads floating around here specifically about ungrateful kids, so maybe give those a look?

What I’m really trying to get at is how people handle that heavy, natural sense of guilt that kicks in when they move away from their parents. And isn't that feeling so much more intense if your parents were actually good to you? It’s a different beast entirely compared to when the relationship was toxic...

How do you all deal with that weight?

Rachel Rogers said:Let’s be real—parents definitely played a part in shifting that blame onto kids, rather than just blaming the modern era we're stuck in (if we're even living in one at all). It's a tough cycle to break, but honestly? Just remember that carrying that guilt doesn't actually get you anywhere.

I'm quoting this part specifically because there's a lot of wisdom here.
By any chance, if you happen to be from an older generation like me—one of those folks who grew up without much tech—have you ever read the book "don't turn on yourself, son"?

There’s something really profound about that idea where a parent sends their child out into the big wide world to find happiness and a better life, telling them to just let go of everything back home and focus entirely on their own future, right?

I feel like if you stay stuck in one place just because you feel guilty, you might end up facing something three hundred times worse later on, like a deep sense of anger or disappointment in yourself and what your life could have been if you hadn't made certain choices when you were younger.
I guess I'm just speaking from my own little bit of experience...
Thinking back to college, traveling, and just generally trying to live life to the fullest when I was younger.

It’s nice if they check in once a week 🙂

When you say leave your parents, what exactly do you mean by that? Are we talking about a permanent estrangement where you cut all ties, or just moving out to have your own space?
If it’s just moving out, I think you might be overthinking things here. There’s clearly some lingering guilt at play—that comment about "working myself to the bone just to put food on your table" certainly doesn't help.

Focus on your responsibilities and your own life. Don't approach this feeling like you've done something wrong; you're just doing what's natural. After all, you mentioned they did the same with their own parents, and eventually, your children will do the same for you...

Look, I haven't lived under my parents' roof for ages! 🙂

Have you all actually read up on this? It’s essentially based on a Freudian thesis, isn't it? 🙂

The whole "should I move out or stay put" debate... honestly, in my specific situation, those kinds of tips just don't really apply. 🙂

casualridge8 said:Psychotherapy? 🙂

Quite so...

casualridge8 said:@Jeffrey Fisher5, I think you might have missed the mark on this topic. There are actually a few different threads floating around here specifically about ungrateful kids, so maybe give those a look?

What I’m really trying to get at is how people handle that heavy, natural sense of guilt that kicks in when they move away from their parents. And isn't that feeling so much more intense if your parents were actually good to you? It’s a different beast entirely compared to when the relationship was toxic...

How do you all deal with that weight?

Even for someone like Saltillo, the concept of "abandonment" here isn't entirely clear. I might have missed the specific definition mentioned earlier in the thread, but if you could clarify... are we talking about physical abandonment, like moving out once you're an adult, or more about that emotional detachment necessary for healthy development? Or perhaps it refers to neglecting parents when they need support... or something else entirely...

When it comes to moving out of a parent's house under a cloud of guilt—especially when that feeling lingers long after the fact—it’s a bit complicated to label them as "good" parents, regardless of how the child chooses to see them...

casualridge8 said:Look, I haven't lived under my parents' roof for ages! 🙂

Have you all actually read up on this? It’s essentially based on a Freudian thesis, isn't it? 🙂

The whole "should I move out or stay put" debate... honestly, in my specific situation, those kinds of tips just don't really apply. 🙂

If you’re feeling guilty and have recognized that within yourself, then the actual theory doesn't even matter... regardless of who came up with it... 🙂 Speculating about Freudian theories won't get you anywhere, whether they're right or wrong... You have a real problem at hand, and everything else is just noise... 🤷

casualridge8 said:@Jeffrey Fisher5, I think you might have missed the mark on this topic. There are actually a few different threads floating around here specifically about ungrateful kids, so maybe give those a look?

What I’m really trying to get at is how people handle that heavy, natural sense of guilt that kicks in when they move away from their parents. And isn't that feeling so much more intense if your parents were actually good to you? It’s a different beast entirely compared to when the relationship was toxic...

How do you all deal with that weight?

😉

I fear you may have overlooked the other side of the coin—that is, what I was actually attempting to convey.
The issue isn't about ungrateful offspring; it is about the burden of guilt.
Typically, an ungrateful child doesn't feel any guilt at all... because they leave without much thought or purpose, only resurfacing when they find themselves in a bind.😉

There is no true guilt if you are acting rationally—if you are maturing, evaluating your relationship with your parents, and shedding what is no longer necessary—because without correcting the patterns established in childhood, one remains stuck in a state of perpetual immaturity.
Leaving the nest is a natural stage of life, and that is precisely how it ought to unfold.
However, the moment an adult child begins to feel guilty about leaving, it suggests they haven't fully reconciled with their own decision—or perhaps they aren't entirely sure what it was they actually wanted.
As for the parents' feelings when an adult child departs, they are rarely devoid of concern (and occasionally fear), but that is a separate psychological phenomenon altogether. There must be clarity for both parties.
Leaving the family home unnecessarily—simply for the sake of leaving because "everyone else is doing it" (which was my point in the initial post)—is usually a misguided choice on the part of the child.

Do you honestly believe I didn't leave my childhood home...😉
And I did so without a shred of guilt.
I left when I felt it was the right thing to do—moving quite far away for many years—and when I eventually returned, it wasn't out of guilt, but rather out of a sense of responsibility and love.

You're back 🙄

Freud once suggested that newer generations carry a deep sense of guilt toward those who came before them, simply because they enjoy a better quality of life. He believed that as humanity continues to advance, this tension will only intensify, becoming an even greater psychological burden for individuals and entire generations alike.

Personally, I find myself nodding along to that idea. Though, looking at the discussion here, it seems like maybe not everyone has dived into his work or interpreted it the same way.
Regardless, I think the topic was certainly worth exploring. 🙂

Honestly, if you look at it through a certain lens, the current economic crisis might be a silver lining. It’s arguably the first generation actually facing the reality of living a worse standard of living than their parents did.

There you have it.

casualridge8 said:Freud once suggested that the guilt felt by younger generations toward their elders would become one of our greatest future struggles. It’s this heavy sense of debt because we live better lives, possess more, and chase our own versions of happiness. I think he hit the nail on the head.

My own guilt feels much more grounded, much more personal. I’m living 25 miles supported by my parents while trying to carve out a life of my own. But I feel terrible. I feel guilty for leaving them behind when they are "old and frail"—which isn't even entirely true, since they used to be quite selfish and difficult—but the feeling persists regardless. Sometimes, I feel guilty just for being alive, or for not "trudging through two feet of snow just to put food on your table," as my father used to say.

How do you all deal with this kind of guilt, if you experience it at all? How do you let it go?
Logically, I know it isn't justified. Rationally, I understand that. And yet, I just can't shake this feeling...

That’s a pretty broad theory, though the struggles are always personal. You won't find an answer to your specific situation by looking at such a big picture.

My own guilt feels much more grounded. I live 25 miles supported by my parents, trying to build a life for myself, but I feel terrible for leaving them behind when they're "old and sick." That isn't even entirely true—they used to be quite mean and selfish—but the guilt is still there. Sometimes I just feel guilty for being alive and not, you know, "trudging through two feet of snow just to put food on your table," as my dad used to say.

How do you deal with that kind of guilt, if you feel it? How do you let it go?
Logically, I know it isn't justified, but I just can't shake the feeling anymore...

There's a specific dynamic that develops when parents treat their children poorly. The child ends up taking on all the responsibility—this heavy sense of duty toward the parents.
If someone belittles you and blames you long enough, you start to believe them. If they force guilt onto you, you're going to feel guilty.
If you had a healthy relationship with your parents, there wouldn't be any guilt. Just mutual support.

Dealing with that feeling only happens after you settle the emotional "debts" we owe to ourselves and to them.
All those underlying issues we aren't even aware of yet...