Caring for a brother with a disability: Feeling like a burden?

I'm not sure if this is the right thread for this. If the moderators think it belongs elsewhere, feel free to move it.

I need some perspective here. My brother is 30, but mentally he’s stuck at 13, if not older. According to his diagnosis, he’s autistic, has an intellectual disability, and is deaf-mute. It’s all due to a genetic mutation he was born with. When we were kids, we actually got along, despite the usual sibling bickering. Once I hit high school, his condition didn't bother me as much; I had grown used to his behavior over the years—the constant bragging that he was better than me, the teasing, and things like that. We still hung out and played together. But after high school, during a long stretch when I was unemployed, things shifted. He became exhausting to be around, and physical altercations started happening frequently. Most of them were triggered by me, because he would never just attack someone out of nowhere unless he felt he was defending himself.
Once I finally landed a job, I moved into my own room so I wouldn't have to share space with him anymore. His habits are impossible—he'll stay up until 1:00 AM glued to his computer while I have to be up at 5:00 AM for work. Over the years, I've drifted away from him emotionally. It is draining to listen to his daily obsessions with bodily fluids and filth, or his constant talk about women, followed by him spiraling when he develops a crush only to have the girl move away or get pregnant. One time, he just snapped, and it nearly ended in a tragedy within our family; he’s been on medication for years since then. Now, it’s the same routine every day, and he's getting lazier. He won't even take a plate to the sink; he just leaves it there. He's messy, to say the least. I eventually got into huge arguments with my parents regarding how he was being raised, and eventually, I just gave up.

As time goes on, I can't help but feel that my brother will simply become a lifelong burden. My parents want me to be the one to look after him, even though my only opinion is that he should be placed in a specialized care facility. They lose their minds when I suggest that, so I don't bring it up anymore. But now, as I start planning a serious life for myself, I realize that if the time comes when I have to introduce my partner to my parents or to her personally, I just won't feel "comfortable." To be honest, I feel embarrassed by how he behaves in public, at the dinner table, and everything else. The only thing I don't feel ashamed of is his obsession with hygiene, which is equally intense.

I don't hang out with him anymore. We don't communicate—well, he doesn't speak, he uses sign language—and I don't really "experience" him as a person anymore. There is just coldness. I find myself thinking that if he ever had to live with us, he would be a constant weight on my shoulders; I can already imagine the chaos and the stress. Besides, he can't be left home alone without supervision for a single day. And given my current work situation, it seems like a professional facility is the only real option.

My parents have always prioritized him over me, giving him special treatment and putting up with everything, naturally. So, should I feel guilty for simply wanting him to be in a facility where he can actually receive proper care? When I ask others about this, plenty of "smart" people judge me, asking how I could do such a thing or why I won't step up to care for him. None of them actually know what it's like to live with someone like him...

I mean, I think it’s kind of wild to expect you to just bring your brother along for the ride when you move in with a girlfriend.🤷 You’ve gotta find some other way to handle that situation, because honestly, that sounds like a total recipe for disaster.
Why can't he just stay with his parents?

crimsonmoose3 said:I'm not sure if this is the right thread for this. If the moderators think it belongs elsewhere, feel free to move it.

I need some perspective here. My brother is 30, but mentally he’s stuck at 13, if not older. According to his diagnosis, he’s autistic, has an intellectual disability, and is deaf-mute. It’s all due to a genetic mutation he was born with. When we were kids, we actually got along, despite the usual sibling bickering. Once I hit high school, his condition didn't bother me as much; I had grown used to his behavior over the years—the constant bragging that he was better than me, the teasing, and things like that. We still hung out and played together. But after high school, during a long stretch when I was unemployed, things shifted. He became exhausting to be around, and physical altercations started happening frequently. Most of them were triggered by me, because he would never just attack someone out of nowhere unless he felt he was defending himself.
Once I finally landed a job, I moved into my own room so I wouldn't have to share space with him anymore. His habits are impossible—he'll stay up until 1:00 AM glued to his computer while I have to be up at 5:00 AM for work. Over the years, I've drifted away from him emotionally. It is draining to listen to his daily obsessions with bodily fluids and filth, or his constant talk about women, followed by him spiraling when he develops a crush only to have the girl move away or get pregnant. One time, he just snapped, and it nearly ended in a tragedy within our family; he’s been on medication for years since then. Now, it’s the same routine every day, and he's getting lazier. He won't even take a plate to the sink; he just leaves it there. He's messy, to say the least. I eventually got into huge arguments with my parents regarding how he was being raised, and eventually, I just gave up.

As time goes on, I can't help but feel that my brother will simply become a lifelong burden. My parents want me to be the one to look after him, even though my only opinion is that he should be placed in a specialized care facility. They lose their minds when I suggest that, so I don't bring it up anymore. But now, as I start planning a serious life for myself, I realize that if the time comes when I have to introduce my partner to my parents or to her personally, I just won't feel "comfortable." To be honest, I feel embarrassed by how he behaves in public, at the dinner table, and everything else. The only thing I don't feel ashamed of is his obsession with hygiene, which is equally intense.

I don't hang out with him anymore. We don't communicate—well, he doesn't speak, he uses sign language—and I don't really "experience" him as a person anymore. There is just coldness. I find myself thinking that if he ever had to live with us, he would be a constant weight on my shoulders; I can already imagine the chaos and the stress. Besides, he can't be left home alone without supervision for a single day. And given my current work situation, it seems like a professional facility is the only real option.

My parents have always prioritized him over me, giving him special treatment and putting up with everything, naturally. So, should I feel guilty for simply wanting him to be in a facility where he can actually receive proper care? When I ask others about this, plenty of "smart" people judge me, asking how I could do such a thing or why I won't step up to care for him. None of them actually know what it's like to live with someone like him...

You shouldn't feel an ounce of guilt. This is the right call; you can't be expected to shoulder this entire burden if it means completely destroying your own life in the process.

I know someone similar, a 22-year-old who barely speaks, struggles with speech, and seems to have some developmental delays too.
He lives at home with his parents, but I guess you have to wonder what happens when they're gone.
Some people can be pretty harsh, even saying maybe it would have been better if God had taken him at birth, just looking at how tough his life is.

As for your situation, it sounds really heartbreaking, and I'm honestly not sure what the right thing to say is.
If you're thinking about putting him in a care facility and just moving on with your life, I suppose that might feel wrong since he's your brother, right?
But then again, I totally get that you also deserve to have your own life and find some peace.

It’s such a heavy situation and a really difficult call to make, but maybe just remember that it isn't his fault he turned out this way, and he deserves a chance at life too.

Anyway, I'm definitely not judging you no matter what you decide to do.
And please, don't ever feel ashamed of him or how he acts; if some girl can't handle your reality, well, I guess she's better off finding her own path elsewhere.
I actually deal with some handicaps myself—nothing mental, just physical stuff that has held me back in certain ways—so I think I understand where you're coming from. Sometimes it feels easiest to just look away and try to find someone healthy who doesn't come with so many complications.

gentlesailor25 said:I mean, I think it’s kind of wild to expect you to just bring your brother along for the ride when you move in with a girlfriend.🤷 You’ve gotta find some other way to handle that situation, because honestly, that sounds like a total recipe for disaster.
Why can't he just stay with his parents?

He can, I was just thinking about what happens when they're gone, or when they get too old to manage him...

Look, crimsonmoose3, I’ve gotta ask—why can't he just live on his own?
It doesn't strike me as being totally helpless; he should be able to manage some basic self-care, even if it's limited. The real question is the money side of things. Is he eligible for disability benefits? If he isn't, that’s where you step in to help out—and again, I mean helping within your own means.

On top of that, there's the option of having a social worker check in (you'll need to look into how that works). That way, someone with a disability can stay in their own home while the Social Security Administration handles the oversight and helps make sure the bills and stuff actually get paid.

Bryan Taylor9 said:Look, crimsonmoose3, I’ve gotta ask—why can't he just live on his own?
It doesn't strike me as being totally helpless; he should be able to manage some basic self-care, even if it's limited. The real question is the money side of things. Is he eligible for disability benefits? If he isn't, that’s where you step in to help out—and again, I mean helping within your own means.

On top of that, there's the option of having a social worker check in (you'll need to look into how that works). That way, someone with a disability can stay in their own home while the Social Security Administration handles the oversight and helps make sure the bills and stuff actually get paid.

Exactly, that's my point. I'll have to see how things play out since there's still time to figure it all out.
As for whether he can actually function alone, I honestly don't know. It's not that he's physically incapable of getting hurt, but frankly, he used to be able to make his own sandwich or brew a cup of tea without help. Then his parents started coddling him, and over time, they turned him into a spoiled kid who can't even slice deli meat. He just waits for someone else to do it for him. He won't even do basic chores like cleaning up after himself because that's how he was raised, and unlearning those habits is difficult... So, if I'm working a 7 to 3 shift and not getting home until 5 or later due to overtime, someone needs to ensure he has a meal or at least check in on him. Otherwise, he'll end up in a bad state when left alone for too long...

I’m right there with Bryan Taylor9 and Ryan Carter52 on this one.

Look, you have every right to live your life the way you see fit, but let’s be real—and I think you probably realize this yourself—there are absolutely no guarantees in this world.
Your brother has his own right to live his life too; it’s certainly not an easy road for him, and it’s likely even tougher on your parents.
It might be time to let go of whatever old grudges or bitterness you're holding onto and just focus on moving forward.
If the day ever comes where you decide to move your brother into a care facility, please don't shut him out. He needs you, and deep down, he knows you're his sibling—he probably loves you more than you're willing to show.

Wishing everyone the best of luck!

I didn't actually intend to drop him off at the facility, so it slipped my mind. I’m hoping there’s an institution out in Denver rather than just being limited to Chicago. Regardless, I made a promise to my old man—that I'd take him to rally races across the States regularly. It's really the only thing he lives for.

Well, looking at how you described him, he seems pretty independent when he’s able to get online and surf the web. He’s someone living with special needs due to his hearing impairment, and honestly, people with those types of abilities find great success in roles like delivery drivers or similar service jobs!
He could easily thrive in a private assisted living community—think more along the lines of a high-end senior living facility—rather than being placed in a psychiatric institution!

crimsonmoose3 said:I'm not sure if this is the right thread for this. If the moderators think it belongs elsewhere, feel free to move it.

I need some perspective here. My brother is 30, but mentally he’s stuck at 13, if not older. According to his diagnosis, he’s autistic, has an intellectual disability, and is deaf-mute. It’s all due to a genetic mutation he was born with. When we were kids, we actually got along, despite the usual sibling bickering. Once I hit high school, his condition didn't bother me as much; I had grown used to his behavior over the years—the constant bragging that he was better than me, the teasing, and things like that. We still hung out and played together. But after high school, during a long stretch when I was unemployed, things shifted. He became exhausting to be around, and physical altercations started happening frequently. Most of them were triggered by me, because he would never just attack someone out of nowhere unless he felt he was defending himself.
Once I finally landed a job, I moved into my own room so I wouldn't have to share space with him anymore. His habits are impossible—he'll stay up until 1:00 AM glued to his computer while I have to be up at 5:00 AM for work. Over the years, I've drifted away from him emotionally. It is draining to listen to his daily obsessions with bodily fluids and filth, or his constant talk about women, followed by him spiraling when he develops a crush only to have the girl move away or get pregnant. One time, he just snapped, and it nearly ended in a tragedy within our family; he’s been on medication for years since then. Now, it’s the same routine every day, and he's getting lazier. He won't even take a plate to the sink; he just leaves it there. He's messy, to say the least. I eventually got into huge arguments with my parents regarding how he was being raised, and eventually, I just gave up.

As time goes on, I can't help but feel that my brother will simply become a lifelong burden. My parents want me to be the one to look after him, even though my only opinion is that he should be placed in a specialized care facility. They lose their minds when I suggest that, so I don't bring it up anymore. But now, as I start planning a serious life for myself, I realize that if the time comes when I have to introduce my partner to my parents or to her personally, I just won't feel "comfortable." To be honest, I feel embarrassed by how he behaves in public, at the dinner table, and everything else. The only thing I don't feel ashamed of is his obsession with hygiene, which is equally intense.

I don't hang out with him anymore. We don't communicate—well, he doesn't speak, he uses sign language—and I don't really "experience" him as a person anymore. There is just coldness. I find myself thinking that if he ever had to live with us, he would be a constant weight on my shoulders; I can already imagine the chaos and the stress. Besides, he can't be left home alone without supervision for a single day. And given my current work situation, it seems like a professional facility is the only real option.

My parents have always prioritized him over me, giving him special treatment and putting up with everything, naturally. So, should I feel guilty for simply wanting him to be in a facility where he can actually receive proper care? When I ask others about this, plenty of "smart" people judge me, asking how I could do such a thing or why I won't step up to care for him. None of them actually know what it's like to live with someone like him...

First off, that part really stung when I read it. Honestly? I suspect they’re more tethered to him because of his struggles with self-care and social skills. He’s the one who actually needs them, whereas you’ve managed to hold your own and build a functional life. Have you actually sat them down to talk about this?

Second thing—listen to me: nobody, not even your own parents, has the right to demand you sacrifice your entire life to look after your brother. On the flip side, I think you're stressing too much about whether he’ll become a burden to you or your future family. Nobody has a crystal ball; we don't know what tomorrow holds.

How old are your parents, and how is their health holding up?

crimsonmoose3 said:I'm not sure if this is the right thread for this. If the moderators think it belongs elsewhere, feel free to move it.

I need some perspective here. My brother is 30, but mentally he’s stuck at 13, if not older. According to his diagnosis, he’s autistic, has an intellectual disability, and is deaf-mute. It’s all due to a genetic mutation he was born with. When we were kids, we actually got along, despite the usual sibling bickering. Once I hit high school, his condition didn't bother me as much; I had grown used to his behavior over the years—the constant bragging that he was better than me, the teasing, and things like that. We still hung out and played together. But after high school, during a long stretch when I was unemployed, things shifted. He became exhausting to be around, and physical altercations started happening frequently. Most of them were triggered by me, because he would never just attack someone out of nowhere unless he felt he was defending himself.
Once I finally landed a job, I moved into my own room so I wouldn't have to share space with him anymore. His habits are impossible—he'll stay up until 1:00 AM glued to his computer while I have to be up at 5:00 AM for work. Over the years, I've drifted away from him emotionally. It is draining to listen to his daily obsessions with bodily fluids and filth, or his constant talk about women, followed by him spiraling when he develops a crush only to have the girl move away or get pregnant. One time, he just snapped, and it nearly ended in a tragedy within our family; he’s been on medication for years since then. Now, it’s the same routine every day, and he's getting lazier. He won't even take a plate to the sink; he just leaves it there. He's messy, to say the least. I eventually got into huge arguments with my parents regarding how he was being raised, and eventually, I just gave up.

As time goes on, I can't help but feel that my brother will simply become a lifelong burden. My parents want me to be the one to look after him, even though my only opinion is that he should be placed in a specialized care facility. They lose their minds when I suggest that, so I don't bring it up anymore. But now, as I start planning a serious life for myself, I realize that if the time comes when I have to introduce my partner to my parents or to her personally, I just won't feel "comfortable." To be honest, I feel embarrassed by how he behaves in public, at the dinner table, and everything else. The only thing I don't feel ashamed of is his obsession with hygiene, which is equally intense.

I don't hang out with him anymore. We don't communicate—well, he doesn't speak, he uses sign language—and I don't really "experience" him as a person anymore. There is just coldness. I find myself thinking that if he ever had to live with us, he would be a constant weight on my shoulders; I can already imagine the chaos and the stress. Besides, he can't be left home alone without supervision for a single day. And given my current work situation, it seems like a professional facility is the only real option.

My parents have always prioritized him over me, giving him special treatment and putting up with everything, naturally. So, should I feel guilty for simply wanting him to be in a facility where he can actually receive proper care? When I ask others about this, plenty of "smart" people judge me, asking how I could do such a thing or why I won't step up to care for him. None of them actually know what it's like to live with someone like him...

I'm not really following those parts in bold. 🤔

Morgan Cooper34 said:First off, that part really stung when I read it. Honestly? I suspect they’re more tethered to him because of his struggles with self-care and social skills. He’s the one who actually needs them, whereas you’ve managed to hold your own and build a functional life. Have you actually sat them down to talk about this?

Second thing—listen to me: nobody, not even your own parents, has the right to demand you sacrifice your entire life to look after your brother. On the flip side, I think you're stressing too much about whether he’ll become a burden to you or your future family. Nobody has a crystal ball; we don't know what tomorrow holds.

How old are your parents, and how is their health holding up?

They're between 55 and 57. Generally healthy, nothing major, just some age-related memory issues.

Yeah, I've tried talking about it, but I eventually gave up. It always turned into an argument because they always end up taking his side...

Brandon Lopez6 said:I'm not really following those parts in bold. 🤔

There's no need to take it literally. We spend our whole lives saying we don't have the will to "listen" to someone, even when they're communicating through gestures rather than words. It’s technically an incorrect way to phrase it... but people communicate in ways that are almost primal, much like an animal...

crimsonmoose3 said:There's no need to take it literally. We spend our whole lives saying we don't have the will to "listen" to someone, even when they're communicating through gestures rather than words. It’s technically an incorrect way to phrase it... but people communicate in ways that are almost primal, much like an animal...

Look, I had to ask 😁.

Honestly, I don't really have any advice for you because there's no winning here. You can't please everyone in a situation like this—someone is always going to end up feeling left out.

Have you ever actually tried walking a mile in your parents' shoes? Seriously—before you get worked up over their rigid views, try to see things from where they're standing. I know, I know, it leads to blowups. To them, any move you make feels like you're abandoning their kid to whatever fate comes its way. Look, it’s not like you *have* to obey every single command—you have every right to make your own calls, even if that means telling the whole family to back off—but before you go scorched earth, just... try to step into their perspective first.
If they’ve decided your brother needs to stay put with them, well, obviously that’s what they want. And honestly? When all is said and done, every parent just wants what's best for their kids. It's how they're wired.

Objectively speaking, the truth is they're putting way too much on your shoulders just because you're blood—because you're brothers. Their perspective is narrow; they're looking at everything through this intense emotional lens. That's their baggage, not yours, so don't fall for any emotional blackmail along those lines. You're your own person, responsible for your own choices and the consequences that come with them. And please, spare me the lectures on "how you were raised"—I've learned the hard way that criticism isn't some magic tool for getting better results. Instead of fighting, try to outgrow them by understanding where they're coming from. Open up a dialogue about *yourself*—not about your brother. Talk about your vision for your future and ask them straight up: do they really want you to be a hostage to this sense of brotherhood? Do they truly want you to live an unhappy life just because they think that's how it should be?

The trick to the conversation is keeping the focus on YOU—your happiness and your future (use that to corner them, if you have to). Avoid talking about your brother or their relationship with him; whenever they bring him up, pivot the conversation right back to your own life.

Larry Wilson25 said:Have you ever actually tried walking a mile in your parents' shoes? Seriously—before you get worked up over their rigid views, try to see things from where they're standing. I know, I know, it leads to blowups. To them, any move you make feels like you're abandoning their kid to whatever fate comes its way. Look, it’s not like you *have* to obey every single command—you have every right to make your own calls, even if that means telling the whole family to back off—but before you go scorched earth, just... try to step into their perspective first.
If they’ve decided your brother needs to stay put with them, well, obviously that’s what they want. And honestly? When all is said and done, every parent just wants what's best for their kids. It's how they're wired.

Objectively speaking, the truth is they're putting way too much on your shoulders just because you're blood—because you're brothers. Their perspective is narrow; they're looking at everything through this intense emotional lens. That's their baggage, not yours, so don't fall for any emotional blackmail along those lines. You're your own person, responsible for your own choices and the consequences that come with them. And please, spare me the lectures on "how you were raised"—I've learned the hard way that criticism isn't some magic tool for getting better results. Instead of fighting, try to outgrow them by understanding where they're coming from. Open up a dialogue about *yourself*—not about your brother. Talk about your vision for your future and ask them straight up: do they really want you to be a hostage to this sense of brotherhood? Do they truly want you to live an unhappy life just because they think that's how it should be?

The trick to the conversation is keeping the focus on YOU—your happiness and your future (use that to corner them, if you have to). Avoid talking about your brother or their relationship with him; whenever they bring him up, pivot the conversation right back to your own life.

But do they actually care about what’s best for crimsonmoose3, seeing as he's their child too?

Sam Wright21 said:But do they actually care about what’s best for crimsonmoose3, seeing as he's their child too?

It seems to me they aren't thinking at all... In my view, parents make plenty of mistakes—and if they truly want the best for one child, then logically, they should want the same for the other.

Go ahead and call me a piece of trash if you want, but I find it absolutely fascinating how some parents decide to essentially sentence their healthy child to a life of "non-existence," just so they can spend forever acting as a full-time caregiver for a brother.

Sure, his brother deserves a normal life, but I don't think that should come at any absolute cost.

And honestly, why is there this assumption that an author is just going to forget all about his brother the second he gets placed in a care facility? It feels like some sort of archaic, small-town mindset from a bygone era. What exactly is expected of him—that he should just throw his own life away and sacrifice everything simply because society says that's what he's supposed to do?

😕

silentpanther32 said:Go ahead and call me a piece of trash if you want, but I find it absolutely fascinating how some parents decide to essentially sentence their healthy child to a life of "non-existence," just so they can spend forever acting as a full-time caregiver for a brother.

Sure, his brother deserves a normal life, but I don't think that should come at any absolute cost.

And honestly, why is there this assumption that an author is just going to forget all about his brother the second he gets placed in a care facility? It feels like some sort of archaic, small-town mindset from a bygone era. What exactly is expected of him—that he should just throw his own life away and sacrifice everything simply because society says that's what he's supposed to do?

😕

My psychiatrist told me this is actually fairly common. A mother instinctively feels her child isn't capable of surviving on his own, so she sacrifices the one she perceives as stronger or more capable. She essentially hands over that child's future to the other one. There’s often an unconscious guilt involved, too—this idea that the parent is somehow to blame because one child is "weaker," so they strip resources from one to give to the other. I had to learn the hard way that I couldn't let my mother pull me under; I had to set boundaries and take control of my own life.
At the same time, I think parents often fail to prepare the brother for independence, which isn't fair to anyone—not the author, and certainly not the brother.
Talk to them. Go see a psychiatrist together. You need to start addressing the issue instead of constantly yielding just to keep the peace. It seems like you were raised in the shadows, conditioned not to cause any trouble. That isn't healthy. Don't just surrender because it's the path of least resistance.