When it just won't stop hitting you where it hurts

Hey everyone. So, I'm 35. Married, two kids. Life is good, no major issues—I work, I make money. Nobody's going hungry, nobody's thirsty, thank God, everything's running smooth. No cheating, kids are great, pretty much all good. Except for my old man. We live in a house with my parents; we have our own floor where we stay separate. We share Sunday dinners occasionally, maybe a weekday lunch once in a while, and they babysit the kids sometimes (never more than a few hours a week). Basically, my dad can't stand me and he tells me straight to my face. I'm the black sheep in a family that, by his standards, is worth nothing. Just to be clear, I have a solid job, decent pay—probably better than 80% of people in the US—I'm frugal, I step up with the kids, and neighbors tell me they don't see many parents like me. And I truly love my kids and my wife... they're my everything. But like I said, there's my dad, just waiting for a chance to trash me. To him, I'm worthless, I have no friends, no real career, that I didn't meet his massive expectations and screwed everything up. It really boils down to this: if I'm reading him right, he's just taking out all his frustrations from his own life failures on me. And he doesn't care how he hurts me, even in front of people. Thank God it mostly happens when he's had a few drinks, but even then, it's too much (averaging about once every two weeks). I used to argue with him, but lately, I've realized it's better to just shut up and walk away because nothing I say helps. Of course, a few days later he feels bad, but he never says sorry; he just tries to make it up to me in some infantile way. I forgive him—he's my dad, after all. If he loves me half as much as I love my kids, then he deserves my forgiveness, but... it happened again today. He spent 15 minutes lecturing me, yelling at me outside the house so everyone could hear, and I was right there with the kids... until they started crying. That's when I snapped. I asked my mom to watch the kids and dragged him inside. I was this close to losing it on him (though I've never been in a fight in my life). I didn't even hit him; I just begged him to leave me alone. I have my own life that occasionally crosses paths with his, but he needs to back off because we don't need each other. I might need him, but if he doesn't need me, I can manage. I asked him not to humiliate me in front of my kids, because what kind of image will they have of their dad? A hero in their eyes. Nothing. Just a blank, half-drunk stare and a continuous monologue about my flaws and weaknesses... blowing everything way out of proportion. I grabbed the kids and left (my wife was at work). I know tomorrow will be quiet if we run into each other, and the day after he'll act like nothing happened. But I'm done. I'm crumbling inside. The self-confidence I worked so hard to build is falling apart. Because of all this, I'm starting to doubt myself... even though I know I'm not a bad guy. What do I do? How should I act? I'm thinking about cutting him off and explaining everything when he's sober, but that probably won't make sense either... I don't know, it's hard. He's my father, but he's never said "I love you," never said "sorry"—hardly anything except damn contempt comes out of his mouth. Yet I love him because he's the one who got me on my feet, he gave me a life. And I feel this damn duty to be there for him; he'll get old and frail, and he won't have anyone... I don't know, he should move out, but I can't let him. I've set up this home, put everything I have into it, and I can't just walk away from it all and disappear somewhere else...

It’s absolutely appalling. That man is pure poison.

Look, I am going to say things you probably aren't ready to hear, so there is no point in debating this. If you have any agency at all, stay as far away from him as physically possible. Most importantly, protect your children at all costs—shield them from his trauma and his constant outbursts.
I realize how much this hurts, I truly do, but you have to draw a line in the sand somewhere. You cannot just wake up tomorrow or the day after and decide to pretend nothing happened because "he’s still your father" or "you owe him respect." To hell with that. You don't owe anyone anything. If he thinks you're indebted to him, let him tell you to get lost instead of tearing you down and harassing you. And he isn't just targeting you; he's dragging your entire family through the mud. I highly doubt he’ll ever back off, though. People like him constantly need a target nearby to manipulate and bruise.

In short: isolate yourself entirely if you can, and do the same for the kids. Cut ties as much as the situation allows and refuse to give him even the slightest opening to interfere in your life.

You are an adult. Your father is toxic, and the relationship you have with him is never going to change. Get it out of your head right now: we are under no obligation to endure someone's tyranny just because we share the same DNA. We don't! You have your own family and your own life. Build that life into something healthy and stop searching for a father who simply does not exist. This is the reality of what you have, and it isn't going to change. Unfortunately, that is just how life often works.

Will it be painful? Yes, most likely. You will mourn the fact that you don't have a normal relationship with your father, and you will cycle through phases of anger, grief, coldness, and sensitivity... over and over again. But you cannot change him.
I know that isn't much comfort, but just know you aren't alone in this...

That is absolutely gut-wrenching. I bet there was some kind of breaking point that set everything off, especially since it all went down right in front of your kids. I honestly can't even begin to wrap my head around what you're going through...
How on earth is your wife holding up through all this? And how are you treating her amidst the chaos?

Look, you’ve got a family and life is good—just focus on them. Your old man is totally broken and he's just dumping all his failures and baggage onto you. A lack of education and too much cheap bourbon will do that to a person. Honestly, stop moping and think about how much worse things could be. There are families out there with zero income, kids getting killed, people dying alone with nothing but elderly parents for company... You can't help him if he doesn't want it. If you have to, lock him away in a psych ward. People get sick in all kinds of ways—cycles of hatred, prejudice, whatever. We all have someone like that in our families. But if you stay grateful for the big stuff—your kids and having a decent life with your family—you can just forget about the madman. It's honestly pathetic how sad this is. The reality is your kids are fed and taken care of. You're young, you've got brains, you've got heart, and look, life's gonna throw shit at you sometimes. Just take it, keep moving, and go play with your kids.

Look... I’d say just try a totally different angle. If it works, great—if it doesn't, hey, you aren't losing anything, right? It’s like that old saying—whatever you push against too hard usually just pushes back harder. When he starts coming at you with all that trash talk, instead of getting defensive, just be damn kind. Smile, joke around, treat it like a bit. Usually, people just can't sustain that level of negativity when they're met with someone who isn't taking the bait. After a few rounds of that, he'll realize his criticisms aren't even hitting the mark—that you're basically just tuning him out in your own way—and he'll probably just get bored and move on.

Maybe wait until things cool down before bringing it up again. Wait out that one day of silence when he’s acting like everything is perfectly fine. Don't approach this while you're still feeling angry or frustrated. Once you both have some calm, sit him down and explain the consequences if this behavior continues. Right now, his logic is probably just, "Well, he yelled, then I yelled, so we're even." It's all just noise to him. But when he thinks the storm has passed and you hit him with a serious "we need to talk," he might actually grasp the gravity of the situation.

If that doesn't work, your best move is likely to physically distance yourself and your family—assuming you have that option.

That apartment you sacrificed everything for isn't some high price you have to pay just to exist.
Move out.
By the time you realize that clinging to that place is just an excuse, it’ll be too late.
Living with a parent like that is impossible.
Look at this:

Olivia Hall2 said:Hey everyone. So, I'm 35. Married, two kids. Life is good, no major issues—I work, I make money. Nobody's going hungry, nobody's thirsty, thank God, everything's running smooth. No cheating, kids are great, pretty much all good. Except for my old man. We live in a house with my parents; we have our own floor where we stay separate. We share Sunday dinners occasionally, maybe a weekday lunch once in a while, and they babysit the kids sometimes (never more than a few hours a week). Basically, my dad can't stand me and he tells me straight to my face. I'm the black sheep in a family that, by his standards, is worth nothing. Just to be clear, I have a solid job, decent pay—probably better than 80% of people in the US—I'm frugal, I step up with the kids, and neighbors tell me they don't see many parents like me. And I truly love my kids and my wife... they're my everything. But like I said, there's my dad, just waiting for a chance to trash me. To him, I'm worthless, I have no friends, no real career, that I didn't meet his massive expectations and screwed everything up. It really boils down to this: if I'm reading him right, he's just taking out all his frustrations from his own life failures on me. And he doesn't care how he hurts me, even in front of people. Thank God it mostly happens when he's had a few drinks, but even then, it's too much (averaging about once every two weeks). I used to argue with him, but lately, I've realized it's better to just shut up and walk away because nothing I say helps. Of course, a few days later he feels bad, but he never says sorry; he just tries to make it up to me in some infantile way. I forgive him—he's my dad, after all. If he loves me half as much as I love my kids, then he deserves my forgiveness, but... it happened again today. He spent 15 minutes lecturing me, yelling at me outside the house so everyone could hear, and I was right there with the kids... until they started crying. That's when I snapped. I asked my mom to watch the kids and dragged him inside. I was this close to losing it on him (though I've never been in a fight in my life). I didn't even hit him; I just begged him to leave me alone. I have my own life that occasionally crosses paths with his, but he needs to back off because we don't need each other. I might need him, but if he doesn't need me, I can manage. I asked him not to humiliate me in front of my kids, because what kind of image will they have of their dad? A hero in their eyes. Nothing. Just a blank, half-drunk stare and a continuous monologue about my flaws and weaknesses... blowing everything way out of proportion. I grabbed the kids and left (my wife was at work). I know tomorrow will be quiet if we run into each other, and the day after he'll act like nothing happened. But I'm done. I'm crumbling inside. The self-confidence I worked so hard to build is falling apart. Because of all this, I'm starting to doubt myself... even though I know I'm not a bad guy. What do I do? How should I act? I'm thinking about cutting him off and explaining everything when he's sober, but that probably won't make sense either... I don't know, it's hard. He's my father, but he's never said "I love you," never said "sorry"—hardly anything except damn contempt comes out of his mouth. Yet I love him because he's the one who got me on my feet, he gave me a life. And I feel this damn duty to be there for him; he'll get old and frail, and he won't have anyone... I don't know, he should move out, but I can't let him. I've set up this home, put everything I have into it, and I can't just walk away from it all and disappear somewhere else...

Look, you're 35. You should have rebelled against a toxic parent ages ago. Now, you need to accept that the love you have for your kids isn't what your father feels for you. It never was, and it never will be. No matter how badly you crave that affection, you won't get it from someone that broken.
You'll end up wrecking your own family under that kind of mental pressure, even if your father isn't directly attacking them.
If you want what's best for yourself and your children, move out. You can spend the rest of your life overthinking why things aren't fair, but there's no healthy path forward unless you leave. Go far away. He’ll still try his emotional manipulation tactics, but stay strong. Recognize he's unwell and don't let him poison you. You'll ruin your life because of him only if you let him. Choose happiness instead. Focus on your kids and the good things in life.
There is no reasoning or explaining things with people like this.
Cut him loose.
Dammit, you got stuck with a jerk for a father, so what now? 🤷 Who cares, just move on. We all deal with some kind of struggle, but don't let the grief over his lack of love turn into something that ruins everything you ever touch.

Olivia Hall2 said:Hey everyone. So, I'm 35. Married, two kids. Life is good, no major issues—I work, I make money. Nobody's going hungry, nobody's thirsty, thank God, everything's running smooth. No cheating, kids are great, pretty much all good. Except for my old man. We live in a house with my parents; we have our own floor where we stay separate. We share Sunday dinners occasionally, maybe a weekday lunch once in a while, and they babysit the kids sometimes (never more than a few hours a week). Basically, my dad can't stand me and he tells me straight to my face. I'm the black sheep in a family that, by his standards, is worth nothing. Just to be clear, I have a solid job, decent pay—probably better than 80% of people in the US—I'm frugal, I step up with the kids, and neighbors tell me they don't see many parents like me. And I truly love my kids and my wife... they're my everything. But like I said, there's my dad, just waiting for a chance to trash me. To him, I'm worthless, I have no friends, no real career, that I didn't meet his massive expectations and screwed everything up. It really boils down to this: if I'm reading him right, he's just taking out all his frustrations from his own life failures on me. And he doesn't care how he hurts me, even in front of people. Thank God it mostly happens when he's had a few drinks, but even then, it's too much (averaging about once every two weeks). I used to argue with him, but lately, I've realized it's better to just shut up and walk away because nothing I say helps. Of course, a few days later he feels bad, but he never says sorry; he just tries to make it up to me in some infantile way. I forgive him—he's my dad, after all. If he loves me half as much as I love my kids, then he deserves my forgiveness, but... it happened again today. He spent 15 minutes lecturing me, yelling at me outside the house so everyone could hear, and I was right there with the kids... until they started crying. That's when I snapped. I asked my mom to watch the kids and dragged him inside. I was this close to losing it on him (though I've never been in a fight in my life). I didn't even hit him; I just begged him to leave me alone. I have my own life that occasionally crosses paths with his, but he needs to back off because we don't need each other. I might need him, but if he doesn't need me, I can manage. I asked him not to humiliate me in front of my kids, because what kind of image will they have of their dad? A hero in their eyes. Nothing. Just a blank, half-drunk stare and a continuous monologue about my flaws and weaknesses... blowing everything way out of proportion. I grabbed the kids and left (my wife was at work). I know tomorrow will be quiet if we run into each other, and the day after he'll act like nothing happened. But I'm done. I'm crumbling inside. The self-confidence I worked so hard to build is falling apart. Because of all this, I'm starting to doubt myself... even though I know I'm not a bad guy. What do I do? How should I act? I'm thinking about cutting him off and explaining everything when he's sober, but that probably won't make sense either... I don't know, it's hard. He's my father, but he's never said "I love you," never said "sorry"—hardly anything except damn contempt comes out of his mouth. Yet I love him because he's the one who got me on my feet, he gave me a life. And I feel this damn duty to be there for him; he'll get old and frail, and he won't have anyone... I don't know, he should move out, but I can't let him. I've set up this home, put everything I have into it, and I can't just walk away from it all and disappear somewhere else...

If walking away isn't an option (and I truly get why it isn't), then you have to become—and stay—decisive. Don't let it just be that one single conversation where you pulled him inside.
You have to completely and utterly adopt the mindset of "this is who I am, that is who you are, so back off."
It’s sad and it’s brutal, but you’re going to have to treat him like a child or someone who is unwell, which, honestly, it sounds like you already realize he is.
You can show him sonly respect, sure, but don't let him trample over you. As a grown man, you shouldn't accept anything less than basic human decency. I'm certain you receive respect from your family and at your job.
Let the old man get used to the new boundaries.

The moment you sense a rant brewing—and I'm sure you can spot the warning signs by now—shut it down at the root. Whether it's a short sentence like, "Dad, you can't talk to me like that," or simply walking out of the room immediately.

There are fathers out there who, in their own twisted, old-school way, try to provoke their sons just to prove they can still dominate them, you know?😠
Personally, I can't stand it, but it happens. Try to gauge if that's actually his intention.
Regardless, you need to create distance for your own sake and for your family's.

thanks everyone. yesterday was a huge wake-up call and led to some big decisions. also took some of the advice from this thread to heart. i'm gonna tell my old man how it is and let him process it—if he wants to make things right, cool, if not, sorry. i can survive without him; my own family comes first, always. i'll keep you guys posted... thanks again for the solid advice. the guy knows what's up deep down, it's just easier to face it when someone actually says it out loud. 🙂