Struggling with independence

How do you actually feel independent when you’re stuck in a situation like this? Is it even possible? When I was younger, I didn't give it much thought... I felt like the world was mine, just like any other kid. But things change. Life changes you, and sometimes not for the better. I haven't been working for quite a while now. It’s frustrating because jobs just seem to pass me by, despite hundreds of applications. I’ve always lived with my parents; my father passed away a long time ago, so it’s just been me and my mother ever since. There were times when I worked and went to school, so I had a sense of independence even while living under the same roof. But since I stopped working, we've been living off her Social Security. It isn't easy, but we make do. Personality-wise, we’ve never seen eye to eye. We are just too different, and now that we're stuck together, it’s escalating. She treats me like I’m still a child, even though I’m well into my 30s. Talking to her doesn't help—I've tried countless times before finally giving up. It has left me feeling like a kid who can't make a single right decision. My self-confidence is basically gone. Since I am financially dependent on her, it takes a massive toll on my mental health. Is there any way to feel like an autonomous adult in a situation like this? How? Any advice would be appreciated. (And please, spare me the "just find a job" comments... believe me, I would if anyone would actually give me a shot.)

I’d have to laugh at this one, honestly😂but I’m keeping my cool.

You're over 30 and asking how to become independent, how to be considered an adult,
and how to actually make decisions.☕
Look, most eighteen-year-olds in America are already expected to have a direction,
and many leave their parents then. But I get why you wouldn't just walk out on your mother because your father isn't in the picture. As for the lack of jobs, that's a struggle facing hundreds of thousands of Americans nationwide.

You say finances are tight? If they weren't, I’d suggest going to college.

Douglas Gray8 said:I’d have to laugh at this one, honestly😂but I’m keeping my cool.

You're over 30 and asking how to become independent, how to be considered an adult,
and how to actually make decisions.☕
Look, most eighteen-year-olds in America are already expected to have a direction,
and many leave their parents then. But I get why you wouldn't just walk out on your mother because your father isn't in the picture. As for the lack of jobs, that's a struggle facing hundreds of thousands of Americans nationwide.

You say finances are tight? If they weren't, I’d suggest going to college.

Go ahead and laugh or take offense if it makes you feel better...
The question was about how to feel independent given the circumstances. Just try living for three years without a job or any financial autonomy—relying entirely on someone else—and then see if you'd still be asking how to feel like an independent person, or how you'd treat the person footing the bill.

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention. I already have a degree.

Without cash, you have nothing—no matter how much people blow their trumpets claiming money isn't everything. It’s actually a massive part of just about everything.

Andrew Mendoza10 said:Without cash, you have nothing—no matter how much people blow their trumpets claiming money isn't everything. It’s actually a massive part of just about everything.

I get it. Without a job and some cash coming in, you're stuck. I know plenty of people out there facing the exact same struggle I am, and I just wanted to see how everyone else is coping. Are you feeling that same sense of dependency and lack of independence? I'm looking to see if others share these experiences... maybe find a little comfort or some advice along the way.

Matthew Clark3 said:How do you actually feel independent when you’re stuck in a situation like this? Is it even possible? When I was younger, I didn't give it much thought... I felt like the world was mine, just like any other kid. But things change. Life changes you, and sometimes not for the better. I haven't been working for quite a while now. It’s frustrating because jobs just seem to pass me by, despite hundreds of applications. I’ve always lived with my parents; my father passed away a long time ago, so it’s just been me and my mother ever since. There were times when I worked and went to school, so I had a sense of independence even while living under the same roof. But since I stopped working, we've been living off her Social Security. It isn't easy, but we make do. Personality-wise, we’ve never seen eye to eye. We are just too different, and now that we're stuck together, it’s escalating. She treats me like I’m still a child, even though I’m well into my 30s. Talking to her doesn't help—I've tried countless times before finally giving up. It has left me feeling like a kid who can't make a single right decision. My self-confidence is basically gone. Since I am financially dependent on her, it takes a massive toll on my mental health. Is there any way to feel like an autonomous adult in a situation like this? How? Any advice would be appreciated. (And please, spare me the "just find a job" comments... believe me, I would if anyone would actually give me a shot.)

Unfortunately, I suspect that once you hit 30+, there are really only two ways to feel independent:
1. You actually achieve independence—which necessitates a job, financial stability, and some level of autonomy from others.
2. You brainwash yourself with various mantras until you're convinced you're independent, even though, realistically, you aren't—you just tell yourself this and that to cope.

People use all sorts of mental gymnastics to survive life; they convince themselves of fairy tales just to find the strength to get out of bed in the morning. It works for some people—I don't know—maybe for them, that *is* life and they aren't missing anything.

To me, that feels like merely performing a life—and I wouldn't recommend it as long as there’s even a sliver of a chance to live a real one.

Use the time you have to build your knowledge and skills. Volunteer. Start making crafts. Read stories to kids in hospitals. Learn. Sign up for 100 free courses on Coursera and finish at least five of them. Do something—anything—and keep applying to 100 places, whether they're hiring or not. Yes, even apply to places that aren't posting openings; you have nothing to lose. Don't quit, and keep pushing until you can finally stand on your own.

Good luck.

Matthew Clark3 said:How do you actually feel independent when you’re stuck in a situation like this? Is it even possible? When I was younger, I didn't give it much thought... I felt like the world was mine, just like any other kid. But things change. Life changes you, and sometimes not for the better. I haven't been working for quite a while now. It’s frustrating because jobs just seem to pass me by, despite hundreds of applications. I’ve always lived with my parents; my father passed away a long time ago, so it’s just been me and my mother ever since. There were times when I worked and went to school, so I had a sense of independence even while living under the same roof. But since I stopped working, we've been living off her Social Security. It isn't easy, but we make do. Personality-wise, we’ve never seen eye to eye. We are just too different, and now that we're stuck together, it’s escalating. She treats me like I’m still a child, even though I’m well into my 30s. Talking to her doesn't help—I've tried countless times before finally giving up. It has left me feeling like a kid who can't make a single right decision. My self-confidence is basically gone. Since I am financially dependent on her, it takes a massive toll on my mental health. Is there any way to feel like an autonomous adult in a situation like this? How? Any advice would be appreciated. (And please, spare me the "just find a job" comments... believe me, I would if anyone would actually give me a shot.)

Do you have friends? I mean real ones—people you can just go for a walk with, rather than just meeting up at a cafe or somewhere that requires spending money.
One way to gain independence is to simply be out in the world; being active socially might lead to discovering job opportunities you wouldn't find otherwise.

Are you holding out for a career in your specific field, or are you looking for anything at all right now?

Of course, a setup like this takes a toll on your mental health. It's especially hard when you're dealing with a mother who undermines your confidence by treating you like a child instead of an adult. It sounds like she might be trying to keep you dependent out of a fear of her own loneliness. Does she try to micromanage your dating life or influence who you choose to be with?

Maria Reyes4 said:Unfortunately, I suspect that once you hit 30+, there are really only two ways to feel independent:
1. You actually achieve independence—which necessitates a job, financial stability, and some level of autonomy from others.
2. You brainwash yourself with various mantras until you're convinced you're independent, even though, realistically, you aren't—you just tell yourself this and that to cope.

People use all sorts of mental gymnastics to survive life; they convince themselves of fairy tales just to find the strength to get out of bed in the morning. It works for some people—I don't know—maybe for them, that *is* life and they aren't missing anything.

To me, that feels like merely performing a life—and I wouldn't recommend it as long as there’s even a sliver of a chance to live a real one.

Use the time you have to build your knowledge and skills. Volunteer. Start making crafts. Read stories to kids in hospitals. Learn. Sign up for 100 free courses on Coursera and finish at least five of them. Do something—anything—and keep applying to 100 places, whether they're hiring or not. Yes, even apply to places that aren't posting openings; you have nothing to lose. Don't quit, and keep pushing until you can finally stand on your own.

Good luck.

These are excellent suggestions.

Maria Reyes4 said:Unfortunately, I suspect that once you hit 30+, there are really only two ways to feel independent:
1. You actually achieve independence—which necessitates a job, financial stability, and some level of autonomy from others.
2. You brainwash yourself with various mantras until you're convinced you're independent, even though, realistically, you aren't—you just tell yourself this and that to cope.

People use all sorts of mental gymnastics to survive life; they convince themselves of fairy tales just to find the strength to get out of bed in the morning. It works for some people—I don't know—maybe for them, that *is* life and they aren't missing anything.

To me, that feels like merely performing a life—and I wouldn't recommend it as long as there’s even a sliver of a chance to live a real one.

Use the time you have to build your knowledge and skills. Volunteer. Start making crafts. Read stories to kids in hospitals. Learn. Sign up for 100 free courses on Coursera and finish at least five of them. Do something—anything—and keep applying to 100 places, whether they're hiring or not. Yes, even apply to places that aren't posting openings; you have nothing to lose. Don't quit, and keep pushing until you can finally stand on your own.

Good luck.

The mantra thing is the only advice I haven't tried yet. 🙂

Sean Cruz said:Do you have friends? I mean real ones—people you can just go for a walk with, rather than just meeting up at a cafe or somewhere that requires spending money.
One way to gain independence is to simply be out in the world; being active socially might lead to discovering job opportunities you wouldn't find otherwise.

Are you holding out for a career in your specific field, or are you looking for anything at all right now?

Of course, a setup like this takes a toll on your mental health. It's especially hard when you're dealing with a mother who undermines your confidence by treating you like a child instead of an adult. It sounds like she might be trying to keep you dependent out of a fear of her own loneliness. Does she try to micromanage your dating life or influence who you choose to be with?

These are excellent suggestions.

I’ve already walked enough miles to know every corner of my neighborhood.
And yes, I am looking for any kind of work, not just stuff in my field. I've been through so many empty promises from colleagues and acquaintances regarding jobs, but it always ends up leading nowhere.
No, my mother doesn't influence my choice of partner or my love life.

Actually, maybe I misstated the topic because it feels a bit misunderstood. Regarding being independent, I know how it works and what needs to happen. Obviously, you can't do much if you don't have a financial foundation, and it's not like I wouldn't do it if I were able to.
The question was whether it's possible to feel like your decisions actually matter when you aren't independent—since you have to involve another person in those decisions because you rely on them.
It's okay for a short period of time, but when you're forced to function like this for a long stretch, you start losing yourself and questioning everything... whether you want to or not.
Unfortunately, it looks like you can't. At the end of the day, everything comes back to work—without it, you aren't really your own boss.
People always say "it's not all about the money," and sure, I get that, but I’d argue that money equals freedom.
So, thanks for trying, guys, but it seems there just isn't some other magic answer out there...

Matthew Clark3 said:How do you actually feel independent when you’re stuck in a situation like this? Is it even possible? When I was younger, I didn't give it much thought... I felt like the world was mine, just like any other kid. But things change. Life changes you, and sometimes not for the better. I haven't been working for quite a while now. It’s frustrating because jobs just seem to pass me by, despite hundreds of applications. I’ve always lived with my parents; my father passed away a long time ago, so it’s just been me and my mother ever since. There were times when I worked and went to school, so I had a sense of independence even while living under the same roof. But since I stopped working, we've been living off her Social Security. It isn't easy, but we make do. Personality-wise, we’ve never seen eye to eye. We are just too different, and now that we're stuck together, it’s escalating. She treats me like I’m still a child, even though I’m well into my 30s. Talking to her doesn't help—I've tried countless times before finally giving up. It has left me feeling like a kid who can't make a single right decision. My self-confidence is basically gone. Since I am financially dependent on her, it takes a massive toll on my mental health. Is there any way to feel like an autonomous adult in a situation like this? How? Any advice would be appreciated. (And please, spare me the "just find a job" comments... believe me, I would if anyone would actually give me a shot.)

Look, this isn't actually about the money. The fact that you're stuck living under her roof and relying on her bank account just amplifies a dynamic that would likely be happening anyway—even if you were completely financially independent.

Matthew Clark3 said:The mantra thing is the only advice I haven't tried yet. 🙂

I’ve already walked enough miles to know every corner of my neighborhood.
And yes, I am looking for any kind of work, not just stuff in my field. I've been through so many empty promises from colleagues and acquaintances regarding jobs, but it always ends up leading nowhere.
No, my mother doesn't influence my choice of partner or my love life.

Actually, maybe I misstated the topic because it feels a bit misunderstood. Regarding being independent, I know how it works and what needs to happen. Obviously, you can't do much if you don't have a financial foundation, and it's not like I wouldn't do it if I were able to.
The question was whether it's possible to feel like your decisions actually matter when you aren't independent—since you have to involve another person in those decisions because you rely on them.
It's okay for a short period of time, but when you're forced to function like this for a long stretch, you start losing yourself and questioning everything... whether you want to or not.
Unfortunately, it looks like you can't. At the end of the day, everything comes back to work—without it, you aren't really your own boss.
People always say "it's not all about the money," and sure, I get that, but I’d argue that money equals freedom.
So, thanks for trying, guys, but it seems there just isn't some other magic answer out there...

Just like so many other clichés, people tend to misinterpret this one: just because money isn't everything, it certainly doesn't mean money is nothing.

Any of those airy-fairy, flower-power maxims about how cash doesn't matter usually only make an appearance once someone has already achieved a certain level of basic financial stability.

Your situation is genuinely tough—and while it's true that, strictly speaking, you aren't alone in this predicament, that doesn't make it any easier for you. Unfortunately, there isn't some profound piece of wisdom here that you haven't already realized yourself: your only real options are to hunt down any kind of work (and by that, I don't necessarily mean a career—just any way to pull in some cash) and keep reminding yourself that it isn't too late.

As much as that might sound like harsh sarcasm, I promise it isn't: you still have time 🙂.

You might want to check out Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents." Some of the techniques in there could be really helpful. As Nicholas King once noted, your mother's behavior toward you remains an issue regardless of whether you are financially independent or not. You can usually find a digital copy online for free if you look around.
I wish you the best of luck with everything. I don't think there is a quick fix for what you're going through, but try your best not to lose heart. Sending out a hundred job applications a day—whether they're relevant or not—won't help. Instead, try using that time to learn a new skill. It might help bolster your confidence and ultimately make your job search more effective.

...you really need to start brainstorming how to build your own career path... take a deep dive into different craft courses online, research what people are actually buying, and just dig into the data... you don't need a massive bank account to get moving; you can start making things and selling them online with pretty minimal startup costs... then there’s the service side of things too, like furniture assembly, interior decorating, or home staging... or maybe something more niche, like sewing high-end lingerie, custom pet apparel, or even building little houses and beds for animals... honestly, you can often take old furniture that people are just tossing out on the curb and turn it into a beautiful, high-end pet bed... you could also look into making small sculptures that serve as keepsakes for people—reminders of childhood or lost loved ones—or customized ceramics with meaningful inscriptions... even hand-lettered calligraphy cards could be a thing... the more creative you are, the easier it is to turn nothing into something special... and once you start earning your own bread, the whole dynamic changes... you realize you can set your own rules and live life exactly how you want to.
..

First off, just stop sending out resumes online. Look, it’s fine, but it’s honestly pretty inefficient if you think about it. A company might be looking for one or two people, and your application is just one single sheet of paper buried under a mountain of 500 others. Instead? Dress sharp—professional, you know?—and just walk right up to the front door. When you walk in, ask for the manager or whoever is running the show and tell them you want to have a quick word. If they give you that look and ask why you’re there, just tell them you have a proposal for the business. Of course, you need to actually do your homework first—know what the company does and come prepared with some solid ideas, presenting yourself as a real asset 🙂 Make sure you make a great first impression so they actually remember your face. Then, hand that person your resume and cover letter. They might set it aside for later, sure, but they’ll definitely remember the person who actually showed up, which gives you a much better shot at landing the gig.

Now, about the family stuff—you've got to accept your mother for who she is (don't waste your energy trying to fix her), respect her, and help out where you can. But—and this is a big but—do not let her mess with your head or crush your self-esteem. If the conversation starts heading down a dark path, just turn it around and say, "Let's talk about this later."

Rebecca Scott3 said:...you really need to start brainstorming how to build your own career path... take a deep dive into different craft courses online, research what people are actually buying, and just dig into the data... you don't need a massive bank account to get moving; you can start making things and selling them online with pretty minimal startup costs... then there’s the service side of things too, like furniture assembly, interior decorating, or home staging... or maybe something more niche, like sewing high-end lingerie, custom pet apparel, or even building little houses and beds for animals... honestly, you can often take old furniture that people are just tossing out on the curb and turn it into a beautiful, high-end pet bed... you could also look into making small sculptures that serve as keepsakes for people—reminders of childhood or lost loved ones—or customized ceramics with meaningful inscriptions... even hand-lettered calligraphy cards could be a thing... the more creative you are, the easier it is to turn nothing into something special... and once you start earning your own bread, the whole dynamic changes... you realize you can set your own rules and live life exactly how you want to.
..

Solid advice here, and I'm totally on board with it 🙂 You can make money on your own terms in so many ways. You could do freelance translating, flip items on Craigslist or eBay, write content for websites and blogs, craft goods, or even offer to design and distribute flyers for local businesses, coffee shops, or other institutions. Just stay creative, dive in, and test different things out. Eventually, you'll figure out what clicks for you 🙂

I'd also highly recommend hitting the books, reading articles, or watching videos on the secrets to success and happiness. Knowledge is power, period—plus, that kind of stuff is great for keeping your motivation up and building your confidence.

Nicholas Gonzalez8 said:First off, just stop sending out resumes online. Look, it’s fine, but it’s honestly pretty inefficient if you think about it. A company might be looking for one or two people, and your application is just one single sheet of paper buried under a mountain of 500 others. Instead? Dress sharp—professional, you know?—and just walk right up to the front door. When you walk in, ask for the manager or whoever is running the show and tell them you want to have a quick word. If they give you that look and ask why you’re there, just tell them you have a proposal for the business. Of course, you need to actually do your homework first—know what the company does and come prepared with some solid ideas, presenting yourself as a real asset 🙂 Make sure you make a great first impression so they actually remember your face. Then, hand that person your resume and cover letter. They might set it aside for later, sure, but they’ll definitely remember the person who actually showed up, which gives you a much better shot at landing the gig.

Now, about the family stuff—you've got to accept your mother for who she is (don't waste your energy trying to fix her), respect her, and help out where you can. But—and this is a big but—do not let her mess with your head or crush your self-esteem. If the conversation starts heading down a dark path, just turn it around and say, "Let's talk about this later."

Solid advice here, and I'm totally on board with it 🙂 You can make money on your own terms in so many ways. You could do freelance translating, flip items on Craigslist or eBay, write content for websites and blogs, craft goods, or even offer to design and distribute flyers for local businesses, coffee shops, or other institutions. Just stay creative, dive in, and test different things out. Eventually, you'll figure out what clicks for you 🙂

I'd also highly recommend hitting the books, reading articles, or watching videos on the secrets to success and happiness. Knowledge is power, period—plus, that kind of stuff is great for keeping your motivation up and building your confidence.

Sure, this might fly at some tiny mom-and-pop shop—or with someone who loves turning their "hustle" into some local legend.

In the real world? It’s a massive blunder that gets you nowhere. People showing up unannounced to hunt down executives usually get escorted out of the building before they even see a manager. Honestly, we used to be terrified of people like that—we just saw them as rude, entitled types wasting everyone's precious time.

It's just not a viable strategy—certainly not for major corporations.

Sell the house and the whole estate—just launch a private business, like a cafe in NYC. That’s where the money is, provided you pick a prime location.

@ Christian Miller14

You also forgot to mention that if you actually land a decent position, you’re gonna have to pay some protection money—sort of like a kickback to keep things smooth

Fine, then let them go ahead and hunt down whoever is actually in charge of hiring 🙂 Showing up in person is definitely going to land you more points than just sending some random application into the void.

That’s not really how things work anymore... I mean, sure, maybe that was the standard back in the day, but in this era of constant internet access and smartphones, you can't expect much. Nowadays, if an applicant doesn't take the initiative to look up the company on their website before even making first contact, they aren't getting very far. They'll probably be stopped at the front gate before they even get an interview

Times have just changed—plain and simple. I'm not saying that in some tiny mom-and-pop shop or a local repair garage you won't see it happen, but honestly, that used to be the exception rather than the rule... In any real corporation I've worked for, you couldn't just show up unannounced and demand to see the CEO

Christian Miller14 said:Sell the house and the whole estate—just launch a private business, like a cafe in NYC. That’s where the money is, provided you pick a prime location.

To open a cafe, you need private space, renovation funds, and a whole host of other things.
That's just the starting line. Once things get moving, you have taxes, payroll, inventory, utilities... the list goes on.

To even get a small business off the ground, you'd need at least $50,000.
You need actual capital.

And with her mother's Social Security check? They couldn't even afford a souvenir stand.😢

Look, I told him—sell the house, liquidate everything, and just go rent a studio. I put $60k into my own business and was pulling in $8.25 net profit every single month after all the bills were settled.

The problem is people just sit on their capital—houses, apartments, land, timber, farmland—waiting for someone else to hand them a job. It’s ridiculous. Take that money and actually invest it so it grows.

@Christian Miller14

So, what were you actually up to—if you don't mind me asking, of course...