Need advice: Sestrin's boyfriend is couchsurfing at our place

Hey everyone, I’m 22 and living at home with my parents and my sister. My sister is 18, four years younger than me, and she recently invited her boyfriend over to stay. He’s been here for a week now, and honestly, I’m just not feeling it. It’s this weird vibe I can't shake. To be clear, I don't have anything against the guy—I've known him for years and he's actually a great dude. It’s just that I can’t get used to the idea of someone else basically moving into the house where I’ve lived for 22 years. My parents seem totally fine with it, but for me, it’s tough. I don't feel "at home" in my own place anymore. No matter where I go—the living room, the kitchen, even the bathroom—they're there. Doesn't matter if it's 11 AM or 3 AM. Most of the time they're hanging out in her room while I'm in mine, but usually, my sister and I have this routine where we hang out in the kitchen or living room when our parents aren't around, but now they’re always hogging the space

Like, last night at 2 AM, I was starving and headed to the kitchen to whip something up, only to find them sitting right there at the table. I felt too awkward to even start cooking, so I just grabbed a glass of water and retreated back to my room. Today, I wanted to catch a handball game in the living room since the TV is bigger there and my parents were out, but nope, they were already staked out there

As for my sister... man, what can I say? She’s 18, which feels like an age where you should be starting to wrap your head around how the world works, but bless her heart, she's completely clueless. And I mean that in the most literal sense—she really doesn't have a clue about anything. Kind of like a total airhead, you know? But hey, she's my sister, so obviously I love her. I get that she's in love, but I still can't quite wrap my mind around the whole situation

It just doesn't sit right with me, and it's only been a week. Now I'm wondering if I'm just being weird, or if something is wrong with me. Am I being selfish? Or does it just take time to adjust to the fact that our household went from four people to five, and now we have to deal with scheduling and sharing everything

My parents run a small local business where I work. Since I'm only making minimum wage, moving out isn't really an option right now for two reasons: I don't have the savings for a move like that, and I'd have to deal with a commute. The drive wouldn't be the worst part, but man, I wish the paycheck was a bit higher

If anyone else has dealt with something like this, please let me know how you handled it

🙂

I’m sorry, I just don't follow. This Sestrin guy has essentially moved right into your house—he's eating your food, using your water, running up your electric bill (not to mention whatever else he's doing with you)—and yet, as a family, you haven't even sat down together to have a real conversation or come up with a concrete plan to handle this? 😕
And honestly, what does any of this have to do with psychology?

I honestly can’t wrap my head around this one either. Does he just spend a ton of time hanging out at your place, or did he actually move in for good??

So, what’s the deal—does your boyfriend’s girl not have any parents?

Douglas Gray8 said:So, what’s the deal—does your boyfriend’s girl not have any parents?

😬

Eric Gray2 said:I’m sorry, I just don't follow. This Sestrin guy has essentially moved right into your house—he's eating your food, using your water, running up your electric bill (not to mention whatever else he's doing with you)—and yet, as a family, you haven't even sat down together to have a real conversation or come up with a concrete plan to handle this? 😕
And honestly, what does any of this have to do with psychology?

I honestly can't even put my finger on exactly when he moved in. It was just one day, maybe around 11 or noon, and he's been a permanent fixture ever since. Both of them are still finishing up their senior year of high school, so the routine is pretty set: once he's done with school, he heads straight home, changes out of his school clothes, and then crashes here. He basically lives here now—eating, sleeping, the whole nine yards.

So, my parents and I are sitting down for lunch, and then there's this little two-person crew scheduled to eat right after us. Earlier today, my old man asks my mom if she was actually going to invite him to sit down with us. She tells him yeah, obviously, but he’s acting all hesitant, saying maybe he won't join because he doesn't want to be awkward since he's only staying for "a few days." Then my mom just hits him with, "Oh, so you're planning on sticking around longer then?" Classic.

I wasn't really sure where to drop this, so I figured I'd just toss it in here and see what happens. If anyone thinks this would fit better in a different thread, feel free to move it around—no biggie!

Douglas Gray8 said:So, what’s the deal—does your boyfriend’s girl not have any parents?

So, here’s the deal with my parents—I don't really know them, and honestly, neither do my folks. They haven't even spoken to each other. The only one who’s actually had any contact with them is my sister. My mom was asking me the other day if I ever reach out to them, and I just told her, "Yeah, I do." 🤷

mistymaker84 said:I honestly can't even put my finger on exactly when he moved in. It was just one day, maybe around 11 or noon, and he's been a permanent fixture ever since. Both of them are still finishing up their senior year of high school, so the routine is pretty set: once he's done with school, he heads straight home, changes out of his school clothes, and then crashes here. He basically lives here now—eating, sleeping, the whole nine yards.

So, my parents and I are sitting down for lunch, and then there's this little two-person crew scheduled to eat right after us. Earlier today, my old man asks my mom if she was actually going to invite him to sit down with us. She tells him yeah, obviously, but he’s acting all hesitant, saying maybe he won't join because he doesn't want to be awkward since he's only staying for "a few days." Then my mom just hits him with, "Oh, so you're planning on sticking around longer then?" Classic.

I wasn't really sure where to drop this, so I figured I'd just toss it in here and see what happens. If anyone thinks this would fit better in a different thread, feel free to move it around—no biggie!

So, here’s the deal with my parents—I don't really know them, and honestly, neither do my folks. They haven't even spoken to each other. The only one who’s actually had any contact with them is my sister. My mom was asking me the other day if I ever reach out to them, and I just told her, "Yeah, I do." 🤷

So, you five have basically been functioning like a group of people on the spectrum under the same roof for several days now? 😕

I don't know, honestly—the first thing that comes to mind, what I would do if I were in your shoes—speaking from a sister's perspective—is that I'd just pick a day to be loud and clear. I'd ask everyone point-blank what the hell (pardon my French) is going on and why everyone is acting like they're stone-deaf.

You’ve got some incredibly liberal older folks living there; you guys basically live like a hippie commune, man.
Is it just a local custom for random strangers to wander into your apartment, or is there actually something wrong with how those seniors are behaving?
And honestly, you’re the most level-headed one here, so of course his presence in your place is bothering you.
Does that guy even shower at your place? Ugh, imagine how awkward it's going to be when he walks into the bathroom while you're mid-shower...

Look, just sit down with your parents and tell them straight up—you aren’t okay with this guy living under their roof...
I mean... the whole thing just feels off to me. Maybe I’m just getting old and out of touch, but if I had brought some guy home at eighteen and TRIED to make him stay over for just one night... honestly, he and I would have both been launched through the ceiling like rockets.
And if you did the exact same thing to me when you were eighteen? It wouldn't fly. Not in my house. High schoolers shouldn't be living together while they're still leaning on their parents for everything.
It's not that I'm some stuck-up conservative or anything—but once someone actually gets a job and starts pulling their own weight, they can live wherever the hell they want.
But as long as he's riding my coattails? Then I set the rules. And one of those rules is definitely not having random people crashing at our place.

mellowbadger26 said:You’ve got some incredibly liberal older folks living there; you guys basically live like a hippie commune, man.
Is it just a local custom for random strangers to wander into your apartment, or is there actually something wrong with how those seniors are behaving?
And honestly, you’re the most level-headed one here, so of course his presence in your place is bothering you.
Does that guy even shower at your place? Ugh, imagine how awkward it's going to be when he walks into the bathroom while you're mid-shower...

I'm a guy, by the way.

I was actually about to go chat with my wife—because apparently, I have to be the one to break the ice and ask the "elephant in the room" question—and I walk into the living room and what do I see? My wife is on her laptop and those guys are sitting right in front of the TV, all huddled together watching the scores on the news... I just turned around and walked right back out.

Later on, I caught my wife by herself and asked her why she wasn't bothered by any of this and what the deal was with this guy wanting to move in. Her response? She basically said, "What am I supposed to do? It's better to have them here than to have them somewhere else."

🙂

Honestly, the parents are what really worry me about this whole situation.😁
Regarding that awkwardness you're feeling—don't let it get to you. Just don't give a damn. Act like they aren't even there.🤷If they have even an ounce of intelligence, they'll get the hint. If they don't (which, let's be real🤣), well, again—why do you even care?😍

And where's the dad in all this? I mean, seriously, what kind of father lets his 18-year-old daughter act like this??

It’s not really her usual vibe, honestly. As far as I know, this is her first actual boyfriend... before this, it was just girlfriends crashing on the couch for a night at most.

She’s turning 19 soon, and if you want to put a label on it, she’s definitely a total "Daddy’s girl." She actually got married when she was 19 too, which is probably another reason why everything seems so standard and "by the book" to them.

I mean, what can the old folks even do? Tell her she’s not allowed to see him? Or forbid her from moving in with him? Let’s be real—they’d probably stop talking to her altogether, and the second she gets her own paycheck, she’ll pack her bags and ghost them anyway.

Her sister hasn't said a word to her dad about any of this, and frankly, she doesn't care. It’s like it hasn't even crossed her mind that having someone move into my place might be an issue for me. Even if it did, she couldn't care less; as long as she’s doing fine, everyone else's business is none of hers.

mistymaker84 said:It’s not really her usual vibe, honestly. As far as I know, this is her first actual boyfriend... before this, it was just girlfriends crashing on the couch for a night at most.

She’s turning 19 soon, and if you want to put a label on it, she’s definitely a total "Daddy’s girl." She actually got married when she was 19 too, which is probably another reason why everything seems so standard and "by the book" to them.

I mean, what can the old folks even do? Tell her she’s not allowed to see him? Or forbid her from moving in with him? Let’s be real—they’d probably stop talking to her altogether, and the second she gets her own paycheck, she’ll pack her bags and ghost them anyway.

Her sister hasn't said a word to her dad about any of this, and frankly, she doesn't care. It’s like it hasn't even crossed her mind that having someone move into my place might be an issue for me. Even if it did, she couldn't care less; as long as she’s doing fine, everyone else's business is none of hers.

Look, do you actually have a tongue? (Since you clearly have enough fingers to type this stuff out...) Maybe try using it to actually talk to your sister and your folks instead of venting here...
we aren't exactly going to jump through hoops on an internet forum to fix your sister's boyfriend situation at your house...

It was kind of like this with my sister’s boyfriend back in the day—his parents were those old-school, super conservative types, so she was basically glued to his side. She rarely actually stayed the night there, but they’d spend all their time just hanging out in his room right under his folks' noses.🙄
Anyway, she ended up getting married at nineteen and got pregnant shortly after.🤣

I guess if you aren't losing sleep over it, and your sister isn't either, then maybe you should just follow suit and stop worrying.🤷

Your parents are certainly an interesting bunch, to say the least. Since you can't seem to get a straight word out of your mom without it turning into a mess, maybe try actually sitting down and talking things through with your old man 🤷

Gerald Jackson7 said:Look, do you actually have a tongue? (Since you clearly have enough fingers to type this stuff out...) Maybe try using it to actually talk to your sister and your folks instead of venting here...
we aren't exactly going to jump through hoops on an internet forum to fix your sister's boyfriend situation at your house...

I do 😁, believe me, but I also know exactly who I'm dealing with. My sister isn't really the type to "get" this kind of thing—she’d probably just shrug and ask what the big deal is. And my parents, like I mentioned before, they're dealing with health issues, so they aren't exactly in a position to play referee for these kinds of dilemmas.

All I was trying to do was get a pulse check—you know, see if I'm just being the weird one here or if this is a real thing. I just wanted to see if anyone else has been stuck in a similar spot and how they navigated it...

He and his parents are a pretty interesting bunch, I guess.🤣
The kid’s in high school, and lately, he just doesn't bother coming home to sleep at all—and he isn't saying a word about it either.😍

I hear you loud and clear. I dealt with a similar mess back in high school, except I was dealing with my sister. I don't care what anyone says. It’s just common sense. She’s well past those years now. Back when she was maybe sixteen, she dove headfirst into her first intense relationship.🙄 I’m dating this guy my age, and he basically moved in without even asking. He's always over for dinner, crashing on our couch, and hanging out in front of the TV—usually with his entire group of friends in tow. It’s constant. The house is like Grand Central Station.

Old people are their own breed—way too stuck in their ways for my liking. And when a teenager says that, you already know they're just talking nonsense.😁Because of their work schedule, they were out of the house constantly, so they didn't even realize he was practically living there—especially at first. I didn't want to snitch or cause a scene, even though my sister and I were miserable. There was zero privacy and absolutely no intimacy.

Look, we have a massive house, but I am still constantly irritated by them. They are everywhere—the kitchen, the living room, even the bathroom. Maybe people who haven't lived with roommates won't get it; they’ll probably ask, "Why are you being so dramatic?" But it isn't the same thing. It's that shift in how you feel in your own home. For instance, I always had to plan my outfits ahead of time just to shower, lugging all my clothes into the bathroom because I didn't want to run into my sister's boyfriend while I was half-dressed. My morning ritual is having coffee in front of the TV, but no—they’ve already staked out the territory. I want to use my computer, but nope, he’s already glued to it. These are supposedly "small" things, but they are incredibly intrusive. I’ve had to start calculating every single move just to function in my own house. It is exhausting.

She didn't notice one bit. Just like yours: "What's it to you?" 🙂 Nothing. I've just got a complete stranger walking around my house... Of course, she doesn't see it. She's blinded by love.😍 The whole situation just got under my skin. It completely trashed my relationship with my sister. I couldn't stand him—I had an immediate visceral reaction to his invasive behavior. You know that feeling when you realize it’s time to walk away? To just go home? Moving into someone's place overnight like that isn't okay. No. He moved in instantly. Like a parasite.
The elderly folks actually felt for him, seeing as his family is struggling financially and who knows what kind of mess he's dealing with back home.

If I ever had the nerve to confront my sister and ask why they don't just go visit him at his place or somewhere else—just to get them out of the house—I’d always get the same excuses. "His apartment is too small," or "his dad is a weirdo," or my personal favorite: "You wouldn't understand, you've never even had a boyfriend." 🙂 I've thought about it too, and honestly? Even if I had a boyfriend, there's no way I'd be sitting around the house with him all day long.

And now? What kind of luck have I had? After that first guy, two more of her boyfriends "couchsurfed" at our place, if you know what I mean. It's obvious my sister has a thing for guys who just want to move in and live off someone else's dime.

After that first disaster, I learned my lesson. I went straight to my sister and gave her an earful about how much this whole mess is affecting me. Hopefully, she finally realized how livid I am—or maybe she just grew up. Pff.🙄I finally realized something. At the end of the day, I’m the one who gets to pick the room and decide what we're watching on TV. If they like my choices, they can join me; if not, well, they can deal with it. That was the compromise that came out of the argument: I always get the final say.😁 Look, I know it sounds harsh, but believe me: even under those "new house rules," they chose to be obnoxious guests. That's on them. And honestly? All those guys my sister was dating back then probably still think I'm some total loser, but I couldn't care less 😁
.
Bottom line: if I could handle it—and I’m two years younger than my sister—then you, being the older brother, need to step up and just lay down the law. I despise it when parents are too soft and the kids have to play parent, but sometimes it's the only way.

Here is the real advice: don't just sit there swallowing your frustration. Have a serious talk with your sister once it's clear the parents aren't going to help. And start making her boyfriend feel slightly unwelcome—just subtle enough that he gets the hint. Trust me, I've used plenty of tactics... ugh. Look, I'm not trying to lecture you, I just wanted to share what I went through so you know you're not alone in this mess 😁

Regarding what you wrote, I think the old folks are handling it their way. They know exactly what kind of personality your sister has, which is probably why they aren't making a scene. They're likely just letting things play out. On the flip side, your sister is clearly exploiting that, doing whatever she wants as far as she can get away with. Don't sweat it too much; she isn't going anywhere. Maybe she'll crash at her boyfriend's place, but let's be real—it's rare for parents that age to be flexible.
As for your situation, sorry to be blunt, but no matter how much you claim to be "at home," you aren't really. You're essentially living off the kindness of your parents. They helped you finish school, they landed you a job—even if it’s just minimum wage—but you have it. You don't actually have much ground to stand on to complain; you're basically a tenant. Your best move is to sit down with them, have a mature conversation, and tell them what's going on. Express your genuine concern for your sister because, from where I'm sitting, this whole dynamic is pretty dysfunctional.