The relationships that changed us forever

So, there are a few things on my mind... I’d love to hear some experiences or maybe get an opinion from someone who actually understands human psychology regarding what I’m going through right now.

About a year ago, I fell for this guy, and honestly, he absolutely wrecked me. At first, the relationship was full of these incredible, beautiful moments, but then he just abruptly pulled away. Once I realized something was off, I tried to sit him down and talk about us, but he just turned it around on me, claiming I was "creating problems where none existed." It started with him being distant, dodging hangouts, and basically ghosting my attempts at connection—until I realized I was the only one making any effort while he acted like everything was perfectly fine. We actually broke up for a full month, which was pure agony for me because I had become emotionally dependent on him, while he just kept retreating. He didn't even have the backbone to tell me to my face that he wanted out. To be fair, neither did I. I just couldn't wrap my head around why this was happening. One day we were great, and the next, it was a completely different story.

Eventually, things ended for good, and I spiraled into a total funk. I neglected my classes at NYU, pushed my friends away, and forced myself to go out when I really just wanted to crawl into a hole. I wasn't myself anymore. My friends would get frustrated with me, asking why I was acting this way, but I just couldn't help it.
In the meantime, I didn't try to get close to anyone else because I missed him too much, and frankly, nobody else seemed interesting enough. And I have to admit, there were plenty of wonderful people around me.
I totally put him on a pedestal. I realize that now—it took me a whole year to see it clearly—but still...

I remember talking to a friend back then who told me that at our age (26), almost everyone has one story like this in their past. And looking around, it seems true; nearly everyone I know has dealt with a similar kind of "trauma." I have a friend who spent eight years stuck in a cycle with a guy who would leave her and only come crawling back whenever he needed something, and she just wasn't strong enough to end it.

So now I’m wondering—why do we do this to ourselves? Why am I still struggling with it, why is it so hard to accept that he isn't what I need, and why do I keep telling myself I'll never truly get over this?
The truth is, I can see how much he changed me, and unfortunately, not for the better. How do you move past that?

I’d love to hear about your own experiences after your "traumas"... How long did it take you to recover and get back on your feet? How did it change you? And were you actually able to build healthy, quality relationships with someone else afterward?

I’d ask the moderators to please keep this thread from moving to the venting or US boards, and sorry if this post feels a bit scattered. I’m not exactly feeling 😢

Patrick Alvarez20 said:So, there are a few things on my mind... I’d love to hear some experiences or maybe get an opinion from someone who actually understands human psychology regarding what I’m going through right now.

About a year ago, I fell for this guy, and honestly, he absolutely wrecked me. At first, the relationship was full of these incredible, beautiful moments, but then he just abruptly pulled away. Once I realized something was off, I tried to sit him down and talk about us, but he just turned it around on me, claiming I was "creating problems where none existed." It started with him being distant, dodging hangouts, and basically ghosting my attempts at connection—until I realized I was the only one making any effort while he acted like everything was perfectly fine. We actually broke up for a full month, which was pure agony for me because I had become emotionally dependent on him, while he just kept retreating. He didn't even have the backbone to tell me to my face that he wanted out. To be fair, neither did I. I just couldn't wrap my head around why this was happening. One day we were great, and the next, it was a completely different story.

Eventually, things ended for good, and I spiraled into a total funk. I neglected my classes at NYU, pushed my friends away, and forced myself to go out when I really just wanted to crawl into a hole. I wasn't myself anymore. My friends would get frustrated with me, asking why I was acting this way, but I just couldn't help it.
In the meantime, I didn't try to get close to anyone else because I missed him too much, and frankly, nobody else seemed interesting enough. And I have to admit, there were plenty of wonderful people around me.
I totally put him on a pedestal. I realize that now—it took me a whole year to see it clearly—but still...

I remember talking to a friend back then who told me that at our age (26), almost everyone has one story like this in their past. And looking around, it seems true; nearly everyone I know has dealt with a similar kind of "trauma." I have a friend who spent eight years stuck in a cycle with a guy who would leave her and only come crawling back whenever he needed something, and she just wasn't strong enough to end it.

So now I’m wondering—why do we do this to ourselves? Why am I still struggling with it, why is it so hard to accept that he isn't what I need, and why do I keep telling myself I'll never truly get over this?
The truth is, I can see how much he changed me, and unfortunately, not for the better. How do you move past that?

I’d love to hear about your own experiences after your "traumas"... How long did it take you to recover and get back on your feet? How did it change you? And were you actually able to build healthy, quality relationships with someone else afterward?

I’d ask the moderators to please keep this thread from moving to the venting or US boards, and sorry if this post feels a bit scattered. I’m not exactly feeling 😢

Is it possible he just added a single drop to an already overflowing glass?

Look, I’m not saying that extra drop doesn't matter—it does—but maybe stop giving it more weight than the actual volume of the mess.

Defining that might make it easier to patch things up one by one. Try to remember who you were before him—especially during those rough patches. Not to excuse his behavior, obviously, but to identify your own vulnerabilities, independent of him.

I mean—I can see he changed me, and not for the better. How am I supposed to accept that?

What about yourself do you dislike now, which you actually liked before him?

In what specific ways did he change you?

What would need to happen for things to shift back to a place where you're satisfied again?

Try to get specific—just venting about a bad feeling isn't going to lead you anywhere.

So, I’m curious about your experiences after your own "traumas"...

To be honest, I wouldn't label any of my past experiences as trauma. Labeling them like that won't help you move forward—because when people recount certain stories, others can experience a sense of trauma just by listening to 😬

What I mean is—hearing about someone else's life might offer a bit of temporary comfort, knowing you aren't alone in having a bitter experience, but long-term, other people's lives aren't where you'll find your own solutions.

I haven't been doing great 😢

Man... 😢

Do you have someone close to you that you can talk to openly about this?

Maria Reyes4 said:Is it possible he just added a single drop to an already overflowing glass?

Look, I’m not saying that extra drop doesn't matter—it does—but maybe stop giving it more weight than the actual volume of the mess.

Defining that might make it easier to patch things up one by one. Try to remember who you were before him—especially during those rough patches. Not to excuse his behavior, obviously, but to identify your own vulnerabilities, independent of him.

I mean—I can see he changed me, and not for the better. How am I supposed to accept that?

What about yourself do you dislike now, which you actually liked before him?

In what specific ways did he change you?

What would need to happen for things to shift back to a place where you're satisfied again?

Try to get specific—just venting about a bad feeling isn't going to lead you anywhere.

So, I’m curious about your experiences after your own "traumas"...

To be honest, I wouldn't label any of my past experiences as trauma. Labeling them like that won't help you move forward—because when people recount certain stories, others can experience a sense of trauma just by listening to 😬

What I mean is—hearing about someone else's life might offer a bit of temporary comfort, knowing you aren't alone in having a bitter experience, but long-term, other people's lives aren't where you'll find your own solutions.

I haven't been doing great 😢

Man... 😢

Do you have someone close to you that you can talk to openly about this?

So, let me take this step by step... I agree with your point about that "extra drop" (to put it politely). 🙂
Before him, I was lonely, sure, but I didn't view everyone I met through a lens of suspicion, wondering if they just wanted to use me. Now, whenever someone calls, my internal alarm immediately goes off—asking what this person wants from me and anticipating that once I've "served my purpose," they'll just toss me aside without a second thought (pardon my language). I wasn't like this before. Since him, I see people as nothing more than opportunists.

As for what would need to happen to change things... I honestly have no idea, and that's exactly the core of the problem. Just last weekend, I spent time with a guy I was incredibly into until that very moment. Suddenly, it hit me that he wasn't "him," and now I'm just not that interested anymore—even though, objectively speaking, he's a wonderful person. I realize I'm searching for traces of my ex in everyone else, and it's exhausting. I don't know how to stop doing that! Maybe that's why I need to hear about others' experiences, just so I feel less alone in all this chaos. 😁

Regarding other people, I don't want to burden anyone else with this anymore. I'm trying to maintain the illusion that I've moved past it, even though I haven't. That's really why I started this thread on the forum.
Thanks for the response 🙂 ...if you have any personal experience with this, please feel free to share. 😁

Patrick Alvarez20 said:So, let me take this step by step... I agree with your point about that "extra drop" (to put it politely). 🙂
Before him, I was lonely, sure, but I didn't view everyone I met through a lens of suspicion, wondering if they just wanted to use me. Now, whenever someone calls, my internal alarm immediately goes off—asking what this person wants from me and anticipating that once I've "served my purpose," they'll just toss me aside without a second thought (pardon my language). I wasn't like this before. Since him, I see people as nothing more than opportunists.

As for what would need to happen to change things... I honestly have no idea, and that's exactly the core of the problem. Just last weekend, I spent time with a guy I was incredibly into until that very moment. Suddenly, it hit me that he wasn't "him," and now I'm just not that interested anymore—even though, objectively speaking, he's a wonderful person. I realize I'm searching for traces of my ex in everyone else, and it's exhausting. I don't know how to stop doing that! Maybe that's why I need to hear about others' experiences, just so I feel less alone in all this chaos. 😁

Regarding other people, I don't want to burden anyone else with this anymore. I'm trying to maintain the illusion that I've moved past it, even though I haven't. That's really why I started this thread on the forum.
Thanks for the response 🙂 ...if you have any personal experience with this, please feel free to share. 😁

It isn’t about getting screwed over once you've served your purpose—that's just life. The real tragedy is being forced to serve a purpose you never signed up for in the first place.

We can sit here and wax poetic about unconditional love and lifelong friendships all we want—but honestly, what’s the point?

We all have a purpose—it’s inevitable. If we’re talking about friends, the principle remains the same. Being someone's confidant is a purpose—just as being their personal ATM is. Being a tool to kill boredom, or a sounding board, or even just a source of entertainment... none of that is inherently bad—provided you actually know what role you're playing and you're okay with it.

If you haven't figured out your purpose yet—well, you’re already in deep trouble.
Patrick Alvarez20:

Ever since he left, all I see in NYC are people just looking for an angle—people who want to use me.

How so? Sexually?

It’s actually quite simple—you just stop sleeping with anyone you don't genuinely want between your legs, everywhere else included. You only do it when you actually feel like it and truly enjoy it. No calculations, no playing long games for some vague future—just that. Honestly, I don't see how anyone could take advantage of you that way.

Patrick Alvarez20:

What would it actually take for things to change? I haven't the slightest clue—and honestly, that’s exactly where the problem lies.

You already know the deal—it takes work. Real work—not just some minor effort. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts or quick fixes that are going to save you here.

You mentioned you let your college coursework slide—that’s clearly not doing you any favors. Focus on the variables you actually control and tackle them head-on. Your degree is one of those things.

Go out there and win—in this, or in anything else you touch. There are plenty of opportunities if you know where to look. When you find a chance to fix things—when you actually have the leverage to make an impact—take it. Use it.

Patrick Alvarez20: —It’s all quite predictable— if you look closely enough at the patterns.

Spent the weekend with this guy I was absolutely crushing on—until now. Turns out, the spark just wasn't there—it’s a total mismatch—and suddenly, the attraction has completely evaporated. It's frustrating because, honestly? He's a genuinely wonderful person.

Don't push it—it might be too early, or maybe you just need more time to figure things out.

If you liked someone and actually enjoyed their company—great. If you don't anymore, then just stop hanging out with them. Maybe it's because you're being difficult, or maybe they just became boring—it doesn't really matter. It isn't some grand tragedy, and nobody owes anyone anything just because a crush died out.

Patrick Alvarez20:

As far as everyone else is concerned, I have no desire to burden them with this—I’m trying my best to maintain the illusion that I've moved past it, even if I haven't.

You don't need to unload everything on everyone—that's just exhausting—but life would be a hell of a lot easier if you actually had someone to talk to about the bad days, even when they start feeling like a broken record.

Patrick Alvarez20 said:So, there are a few things on my mind... I’d love to hear some experiences or maybe get an opinion from someone who actually understands human psychology regarding what I’m going through right now.

About a year ago, I fell for this guy, and honestly, he absolutely wrecked me. At first, the relationship was full of these incredible, beautiful moments, but then he just abruptly pulled away. Once I realized something was off, I tried to sit him down and talk about us, but he just turned it around on me, claiming I was "creating problems where none existed." It started with him being distant, dodging hangouts, and basically ghosting my attempts at connection—until I realized I was the only one making any effort while he acted like everything was perfectly fine. We actually broke up for a full month, which was pure agony for me because I had become emotionally dependent on him, while he just kept retreating. He didn't even have the backbone to tell me to my face that he wanted out. To be fair, neither did I. I just couldn't wrap my head around why this was happening. One day we were great, and the next, it was a completely different story.

Eventually, things ended for good, and I spiraled into a total funk. I neglected my classes at NYU, pushed my friends away, and forced myself to go out when I really just wanted to crawl into a hole. I wasn't myself anymore. My friends would get frustrated with me, asking why I was acting this way, but I just couldn't help it.
In the meantime, I didn't try to get close to anyone else because I missed him too much, and frankly, nobody else seemed interesting enough. And I have to admit, there were plenty of wonderful people around me.
I totally put him on a pedestal. I realize that now—it took me a whole year to see it clearly—but still...

I remember talking to a friend back then who told me that at our age (26), almost everyone has one story like this in their past. And looking around, it seems true; nearly everyone I know has dealt with a similar kind of "trauma." I have a friend who spent eight years stuck in a cycle with a guy who would leave her and only come crawling back whenever he needed something, and she just wasn't strong enough to end it.

So now I’m wondering—why do we do this to ourselves? Why am I still struggling with it, why is it so hard to accept that he isn't what I need, and why do I keep telling myself I'll never truly get over this?
The truth is, I can see how much he changed me, and unfortunately, not for the better. How do you move past that?

I’d love to hear about your own experiences after your "traumas"... How long did it take you to recover and get back on your feet? How did it change you? And were you actually able to build healthy, quality relationships with someone else afterward?

I’d ask the moderators to please keep this thread from moving to the venting or US boards, and sorry if this post feels a bit scattered. I’m not exactly feeling 😢

Because you don't love yourself. Honestly. If you actually liked who you were, you'd be with someone who treats you like a human being instead of some jerk who just broke you down. As long as you haven't figured out how to value yourself, I seriously doubt you're going to run into people worth meeting—people who won't just add more damage to your life (unless you hit some insane cosmic jackpot). Maybe I'm wrong, but looking at every single example I know, that's just how it plays out.

Relationships like that just dig up all that old pain that's begging to be felt. It's a weird cycle where you think you've moved on and gotten used to life without the ache, but then it's just simmering under the surface, waiting for the right person to come along and drag it all back to the light. That's your lack of self-love talking. And yeah, you're totally right—so many people your age don't respect themselves or even like themselves, so they just let any random person walk all over them. Sometimes it genuinely shocks me how many people are just... broken, once you look past the surface. It sucks.

I don't know, do whatever you gotta do, but my personal take is that it's way better to stay single than to force things or hunt for toxic relationships. Realistically, until you start respecting yourself, you're just going to attract people who have zero respect for you. And honestly, what's the point? You're better off traveling the country or just hanging out with your dog.

So, I'm curious about your experiences after your own "traumas"... How long did it take you guys to recover, to actually get back on your feet?

A long time. About a year, maybe a little longer.

And how did it change you? Were you actually able to build healthy, quality relationships later on?

Hard to say. My tolerance for bullshit is definitely lower, and that's about it.
No.

Patrick Alvarez20 said:So, there are a few things on my mind... I’d love to hear some experiences or maybe get an opinion from someone who actually understands human psychology regarding what I’m going through right now.

About a year ago, I fell for this guy, and honestly, he absolutely wrecked me. At first, the relationship was full of these incredible, beautiful moments, but then he just abruptly pulled away. Once I realized something was off, I tried to sit him down and talk about us, but he just turned it around on me, claiming I was "creating problems where none existed." It started with him being distant, dodging hangouts, and basically ghosting my attempts at connection—until I realized I was the only one making any effort while he acted like everything was perfectly fine. We actually broke up for a full month, which was pure agony for me because I had become emotionally dependent on him, while he just kept retreating. He didn't even have the backbone to tell me to my face that he wanted out. To be fair, neither did I. I just couldn't wrap my head around why this was happening. One day we were great, and the next, it was a completely different story.

Eventually, things ended for good, and I spiraled into a total funk. I neglected my classes at NYU, pushed my friends away, and forced myself to go out when I really just wanted to crawl into a hole. I wasn't myself anymore. My friends would get frustrated with me, asking why I was acting this way, but I just couldn't help it.
In the meantime, I didn't try to get close to anyone else because I missed him too much, and frankly, nobody else seemed interesting enough. And I have to admit, there were plenty of wonderful people around me.
I totally put him on a pedestal. I realize that now—it took me a whole year to see it clearly—but still...

I remember talking to a friend back then who told me that at our age (26), almost everyone has one story like this in their past. And looking around, it seems true; nearly everyone I know has dealt with a similar kind of "trauma." I have a friend who spent eight years stuck in a cycle with a guy who would leave her and only come crawling back whenever he needed something, and she just wasn't strong enough to end it.

So now I’m wondering—why do we do this to ourselves? Why am I still struggling with it, why is it so hard to accept that he isn't what I need, and why do I keep telling myself I'll never truly get over this?
The truth is, I can see how much he changed me, and unfortunately, not for the better. How do you move past that?

I’d love to hear about your own experiences after your "traumas"... How long did it take you to recover and get back on your feet? How did it change you? And were you actually able to build healthy, quality relationships with someone else afterward?

I’d ask the moderators to please keep this thread from moving to the venting or US boards, and sorry if this post feels a bit scattered. I’m not exactly feeling 😢

I guess everyone on some random internet forum thinks they’re a PhD in psychology and human behavior.

About a year ago, I fell for this guy and he absolutely wrecked me. The relationship started out with such beautiful moments, but then he just suddenly pulled away.

Well, that's just life, I suppose. It's nice while it lasts. You can't really force someone to tell you why they've checked out.

I realized something was off and tried to talk about us, but he just snapped at me for making problems where there weren't any. It started with him not responding, avoiding me, and all that—until I realized I was the only one constantly reaching out, while he acted like nothing was even happening.

So, clearly he wasn't that into you.

We were broken up for a full month, which was agonizing for me because I was emotionally dependent on him, and he just kept dodging everything. Honestly, he didn't have the guts to look me in the eye and say he wanted to end it. I didn't have the strength either. I just couldn't wrap my head around the problem. Everything was fine yesterday, and today it's a completely different story.

I mean, maybe you thought you were breaking up with him for a month, but he probably checked out long before that, or he just wasn't as invested as you were.

Anyway, it finally ended, and after that, I just spiraled. I neglected my classes, my friends... I forced myself to go out when I really didn't want to. I became a different person. My friends got frustrated with how I was acting, but I just couldn't help it.

See, that's the mistake right there—letting your whole life fall apart over some guy who doesn't even deserve you. It's weird to me how women still let themselves get put in this position. I guess you should hold back more in new relationships so you don't end up being used like this.

I haven't really gotten close to anyone else in the meantime. I just missed him too much, and honestly, nobody else seemed interesting enough. Though, I guess there were some pretty great people around, if I'm being fair.
I completely put him on a pedestal. I realize that now—a whole year later, but still... I guess I just didn't see things for what they were.

The upside to men is that they’re basically replaceable. There are just so many of them out there. I think some people get way too caught up in this whole fatalism thing—chasing after guys who act all cold and distant like they’re some brooding James Dean archetype. You end up falling hard, and then he just keeps you on a leash. Honestly, the more you put someone on a pedestal, the more arrogant they get about being "irreplaceable." You over-idealize them, and they pick up on that immediately. You end up looking desperate, while he just sits there thinking he’s some big shot because another girl is chasing him around. 😁

Patrick Alvarez20 said:

I was talking to a friend once who told me that by the time we hit our mid-twenties, everyone pretty much has that one specific story to tell. And honestly, looking around, it seems like almost everyone I know has dealt with some kind of similar trauma. I have this one friend who spent eight years stuck in a cycle with a guy who’d just ditch her whenever he felt like it and then crawl back when things got rough—she just wasn't strong enough to walk away. I guess that's just how it goes.

Well, here’s just more proof that women are basically a massive joke. I guess it's pretty obvious how easily men can manipulate them.

Patrick Alvarez20:

I guess I'm just wondering—why do we even do this? Why am I still struggling with it, why is it so hard to accept that he’s just not what I need, and why do I keep telling myself I’ll never actually get over it? Maybe it's just how things go. I don't know. I can see it's changed me, and probably not for the better. Maybe there's a way to accept that, I guess.

Just so she can start more stupid threads on some pointless forum to prove how much of a disaster she really is.
I mean, you basically let some guy change who you are. And now you're still giving him that much credit, acting like his influence on your life is actually worth debating. I guess. 😍🤣

Patrick Alvarez20 said:

So, I'm curious about everyone's experiences after their "traumas." How long did it actually take you guys to get back on your feet? I guess it's worth asking how it changed you, too. Like, were you even able to build anything meaningful with someone else afterward?

There's no point even talking about trauma. I guess it's better if those things just stay buried in the history books.
Honestly, I don't think this last question even makes sense. Why wouldn't someone be able to find a connection later on? Just because some guy played games or gave you the cold shoulder, I guess. 🤣
I guess anyone would be losing their mind if they let some old trauma define them for the rest of their lives. It feels like just giving up all your power, honestly. You're basically turning that thing into some kind of God, and I don't see why anyone would want that.

Patrick Alvarez20 said:So, let me take this step by step... I agree with your point about that "extra drop" (to put it politely). 🙂
Before him, I was lonely, sure, but I didn't view everyone I met through a lens of suspicion, wondering if they just wanted to use me. Now, whenever someone calls, my internal alarm immediately goes off—asking what this person wants from me and anticipating that once I've "served my purpose," they'll just toss me aside without a second thought (pardon my language). I wasn't like this before. Since him, I see people as nothing more than opportunists.

As for what would need to happen to change things... I honestly have no idea, and that's exactly the core of the problem. Just last weekend, I spent time with a guy I was incredibly into until that very moment. Suddenly, it hit me that he wasn't "him," and now I'm just not that interested anymore—even though, objectively speaking, he's a wonderful person. I realize I'm searching for traces of my ex in everyone else, and it's exhausting. I don't know how to stop doing that! Maybe that's why I need to hear about others' experiences, just so I feel less alone in all this chaos. 😁

Regarding other people, I don't want to burden anyone else with this anymore. I'm trying to maintain the illusion that I've moved past it, even though I haven't. That's really why I started this thread on the forum.
Thanks for the response 🙂 ...if you have any personal experience with this, please feel free to share. 😁

Oh, so you think every new person you meet is obligated to be your best friend forever, huh? 🤔
Were you even actually dating him, or was it just some random month-long thing?

Quote:

What would it even take to change things? I don't know, and maybe that's the whole issue. Last weekend, I spent time with this guy I was really into, but then it just clicked that he wasn't him, and suddenly the spark was gone. He's actually a decent guy, honestly. I think I'm just hunting for traces of him in everyone else, and it's exhausting. I have no idea how to stop doing that!. Maybe that's why I need to hear from other people—just to feel less alone in all this mess.😁

You're chasing his ghost in other people after he already made it clear he wanted nothing to do with you.🤔

boldwalker12 said:Because you don't love yourself. Honestly. If you actually liked who you were, you'd be with someone who treats you like a human being instead of some jerk who just broke you down. As long as you haven't figured out how to value yourself, I seriously doubt you're going to run into people worth meeting—people who won't just add more damage to your life (unless you hit some insane cosmic jackpot). Maybe I'm wrong, but looking at every single example I know, that's just how it plays out.

Relationships like that just dig up all that old pain that's begging to be felt. It's a weird cycle where you think you've moved on and gotten used to life without the ache, but then it's just simmering under the surface, waiting for the right person to come along and drag it all back to the light. That's your lack of self-love talking. And yeah, you're totally right—so many people your age don't respect themselves or even like themselves, so they just let any random person walk all over them. Sometimes it genuinely shocks me how many people are just... broken, once you look past the surface. It sucks.

I don't know, do whatever you gotta do, but my personal take is that it's way better to stay single than to force things or hunt for toxic relationships. Realistically, until you start respecting yourself, you're just going to attract people who have zero respect for you. And honestly, what's the point? You're better off traveling the country or just hanging out with your dog.

So, I'm curious about your experiences after your own "traumas"... How long did it take you guys to recover, to actually get back on your feet?

A long time. About a year, maybe a little longer.

And how did it change you? Were you actually able to build healthy, quality relationships later on?

Hard to say. My tolerance for bullshit is definitely lower, and that's about it.
No.

What boldwalker12 wrote sounds like such a massive cliché, but deep down, she's totally right. You seriously need to work on building up that self-esteem, and once you do, you'll realize that half the people in your life were questionable to begin with. And that guy too...

Why does it hurt so much? Is it because they gave us something—like that feeling of being loved—and then just ripped it away? It's like showing a kid a toy and then snatching it out of their hands... how do you think they're gonna react? Giving something just to take it back is a classic manipulation tactic, which I don't think was what happened here, but it explains why you're hurting. You thought you found love and support, and then it was just gone...

But you know what the silver lining is? That thing that was taken from you can be given back by someone else, and it doesn't even have to be him. We aren't actually mourning the person, we're mourning that specific feeling... if you know what I mean...

hiddenhawk3, you’re spot on. Honestly, I feel pretty pathetic right now because everything you said hits home, but for the life of me, I just can't seem to wrap my head around it or shut up about it. 🙂

At the end of the day, it’s true that I don't value myself enough. Ultimately, everything comes down to us—it’s our call how much we decide to give to someone else and exactly how much nonsense we’re willing to swallow. The tricky part is that when it involves our own mess and our own issues, grasping the reality of it is a lot harder. At least, it is for me.

Also, I wouldn't go as far as saying these kinds of "conversations" are mostly a woman thing; I know plenty of guys who have gone through similar stuff.

Maybe I took this approach because I was experiencing certain things with him for the very first time, and part of me maybe just wanted someone to tell me that feeling something beautiful again was actually possible. Who knows? Yesterday was just a complete wreck. 😁
We were supposed to meet up, and my anxiety was through the roof.

And yeah—clichés exist for a reason. They’re usually true. 🤷
Thanks to everyone for the replies and for trying to help me see things clearly. 😍

🙄It’s kind of wild, isn't it? Looking back at some of the people I used to hang out with... I just can't bring myself to face them anymore. Honestly, there's this intense feeling of resentment and, well, just pure distaste now. It's like looking at a different version of my life entirely.🙂

Why is it so much easier to drift through our own little fantasies instead of actually facing the music?
Is reality just that brutal, or are we just looking for an exit strategy?
We’re all supposed to have some grasp on the mechanics of life, yet most days I feel like I don't even know what the rules are, let alone how to play the game.

Michael Lewis52 said:Why is it so much easier to drift through our own little fantasies instead of actually facing the music?
Is reality just that brutal, or are we just looking for an exit strategy?
We’re all supposed to have some grasp on the mechanics of life, yet most days I feel like I don't even know what the rules are, let alone how to play the game.

Those are some heavy questions. Honestly, I find myself asking them all the time, but there isn't really one "right" answer out there. Sometimes reality is just brutal—it can be downright cruel. Life has a way of showing its teeth, and people can be like that too. You think you know someone, you trust them, and then suddenly everything shifts. It's a total gut punch. But I guess there's a silver lining... at least once the dust settles, you actually know who people really are.☕

Patrick Alvarez20 said:So, there are a few things on my mind... I’d love to hear some experiences or maybe get an opinion from someone who actually understands human psychology regarding what I’m going through right now.

About a year ago, I fell for this guy, and honestly, he absolutely wrecked me. At first, the relationship was full of these incredible, beautiful moments, but then he just abruptly pulled away. Once I realized something was off, I tried to sit him down and talk about us, but he just turned it around on me, claiming I was "creating problems where none existed." It started with him being distant, dodging hangouts, and basically ghosting my attempts at connection—until I realized I was the only one making any effort while he acted like everything was perfectly fine. We actually broke up for a full month, which was pure agony for me because I had become emotionally dependent on him, while he just kept retreating. He didn't even have the backbone to tell me to my face that he wanted out. To be fair, neither did I. I just couldn't wrap my head around why this was happening. One day we were great, and the next, it was a completely different story.

Eventually, things ended for good, and I spiraled into a total funk. I neglected my classes at NYU, pushed my friends away, and forced myself to go out when I really just wanted to crawl into a hole. I wasn't myself anymore. My friends would get frustrated with me, asking why I was acting this way, but I just couldn't help it.
In the meantime, I didn't try to get close to anyone else because I missed him too much, and frankly, nobody else seemed interesting enough. And I have to admit, there were plenty of wonderful people around me.
I totally put him on a pedestal. I realize that now—it took me a whole year to see it clearly—but still...

I remember talking to a friend back then who told me that at our age (26), almost everyone has one story like this in their past. And looking around, it seems true; nearly everyone I know has dealt with a similar kind of "trauma." I have a friend who spent eight years stuck in a cycle with a guy who would leave her and only come crawling back whenever he needed something, and she just wasn't strong enough to end it.

So now I’m wondering—why do we do this to ourselves? Why am I still struggling with it, why is it so hard to accept that he isn't what I need, and why do I keep telling myself I'll never truly get over this?
The truth is, I can see how much he changed me, and unfortunately, not for the better. How do you move past that?

I’d love to hear about your own experiences after your "traumas"... How long did it take you to recover and get back on your feet? How did it change you? And were you actually able to build healthy, quality relationships with someone else afterward?

I’d ask the moderators to please keep this thread from moving to the venting or US boards, and sorry if this post feels a bit scattered. I’m not exactly feeling 😢

I'll give you my take based on what I went through...
I think we do it because we're terrified of being alone, thinking we won't be able to move forward without them. Before you met him, things probably felt pretty lonely or aimless, but everything flipped once he came along. Now, you just don't want to go back to that feeling.
How do you get past it? Another person. If there's no other way... My own mindset was exactly like yours—thinking I couldn't and wouldn't move on—but then someone else showed up right when I least expected it, and I fell in love all over again. 🙂

I went through the exact same thing about a year ago. It was brutal. I was stuck in this deep sadness where I didn't want anyone else, mostly because I kept telling myself nobody could ever measure up to him...

The guy I’m with now—the one who actually makes me happy and lives with me today—got rejected a million times at first. I was just terrified of getting burned again after what happened with my ex. But honestly? You just have to convince yourself that you don't *need* that past baggage. There is always someone better out there. Always.

Patrick Alvarez20 said:So, there are a few things on my mind... I’d love to hear some experiences or maybe get an opinion from someone who actually understands human psychology regarding what I’m going through right now.

About a year ago, I fell for this guy, and honestly, he absolutely wrecked me. At first, the relationship was full of these incredible, beautiful moments, but then he just abruptly pulled away. Once I realized something was off, I tried to sit him down and talk about us, but he just turned it around on me, claiming I was "creating problems where none existed." It started with him being distant, dodging hangouts, and basically ghosting my attempts at connection—until I realized I was the only one making any effort while he acted like everything was perfectly fine. We actually broke up for a full month, which was pure agony for me because I had become emotionally dependent on him, while he just kept retreating. He didn't even have the backbone to tell me to my face that he wanted out. To be fair, neither did I. I just couldn't wrap my head around why this was happening. One day we were great, and the next, it was a completely different story.

Eventually, things ended for good, and I spiraled into a total funk. I neglected my classes at NYU, pushed my friends away, and forced myself to go out when I really just wanted to crawl into a hole. I wasn't myself anymore. My friends would get frustrated with me, asking why I was acting this way, but I just couldn't help it.
In the meantime, I didn't try to get close to anyone else because I missed him too much, and frankly, nobody else seemed interesting enough. And I have to admit, there were plenty of wonderful people around me.
I totally put him on a pedestal. I realize that now—it took me a whole year to see it clearly—but still...

I remember talking to a friend back then who told me that at our age (26), almost everyone has one story like this in their past. And looking around, it seems true; nearly everyone I know has dealt with a similar kind of "trauma." I have a friend who spent eight years stuck in a cycle with a guy who would leave her and only come crawling back whenever he needed something, and she just wasn't strong enough to end it.

So now I’m wondering—why do we do this to ourselves? Why am I still struggling with it, why is it so hard to accept that he isn't what I need, and why do I keep telling myself I'll never truly get over this?
The truth is, I can see how much he changed me, and unfortunately, not for the better. How do you move past that?

I’d love to hear about your own experiences after your "traumas"... How long did it take you to recover and get back on your feet? How did it change you? And were you actually able to build healthy, quality relationships with someone else afterward?

I’d ask the moderators to please keep this thread from moving to the venting or US boards, and sorry if this post feels a bit scattered. I’m not exactly feeling 😢

The only strange thing to me is that you're only just having this realization at 26.🙂
Mine hit me at 15 and lasted until I was 17; it left a mark on my life that never truly faded. It was a heavy, traumatic experience, and it took me decades to move past it. Every relationship I had afterward was broken because of that one wrong person at the wrong time. They aren't lying when they say you only love like that once—when you're foolish and blind to everything else happening around you. It never happened again. Instead of fond memories of young love, I’m left with nothing but guilt, shame, and regret for how I spent those years.

I'm 29 now, and perhaps I've only just become a functional human being.

Patrick Alvarez20 said:So, there are a few things on my mind... I’d love to hear some experiences or maybe get an opinion from someone who actually understands human psychology regarding what I’m going through right now.

About a year ago, I fell for this guy, and honestly, he absolutely wrecked me. At first, the relationship was full of these incredible, beautiful moments, but then he just abruptly pulled away. Once I realized something was off, I tried to sit him down and talk about us, but he just turned it around on me, claiming I was "creating problems where none existed." It started with him being distant, dodging hangouts, and basically ghosting my attempts at connection—until I realized I was the only one making any effort while he acted like everything was perfectly fine. We actually broke up for a full month, which was pure agony for me because I had become emotionally dependent on him, while he just kept retreating. He didn't even have the backbone to tell me to my face that he wanted out. To be fair, neither did I. I just couldn't wrap my head around why this was happening. One day we were great, and the next, it was a completely different story.

Eventually, things ended for good, and I spiraled into a total funk. I neglected my classes at NYU, pushed my friends away, and forced myself to go out when I really just wanted to crawl into a hole. I wasn't myself anymore. My friends would get frustrated with me, asking why I was acting this way, but I just couldn't help it.
In the meantime, I didn't try to get close to anyone else because I missed him too much, and frankly, nobody else seemed interesting enough. And I have to admit, there were plenty of wonderful people around me.
I totally put him on a pedestal. I realize that now—it took me a whole year to see it clearly—but still...

I remember talking to a friend back then who told me that at our age (26), almost everyone has one story like this in their past. And looking around, it seems true; nearly everyone I know has dealt with a similar kind of "trauma." I have a friend who spent eight years stuck in a cycle with a guy who would leave her and only come crawling back whenever he needed something, and she just wasn't strong enough to end it.

So now I’m wondering—why do we do this to ourselves? Why am I still struggling with it, why is it so hard to accept that he isn't what I need, and why do I keep telling myself I'll never truly get over this?
The truth is, I can see how much he changed me, and unfortunately, not for the better. How do you move past that?

I’d love to hear about your own experiences after your "traumas"... How long did it take you to recover and get back on your feet? How did it change you? And were you actually able to build healthy, quality relationships with someone else afterward?

I’d ask the moderators to please keep this thread from moving to the venting or US boards, and sorry if this post feels a bit scattered. I’m not exactly feeling 😢

Patrick Alvarez20 said:So, there are a few things on my mind... I’d love to hear some experiences or maybe get an opinion from someone who actually understands human psychology regarding what I’m going through right now.

About a year ago, I fell for this guy, and honestly, he absolutely wrecked me. At first, the relationship was full of these incredible, beautiful moments, but then he just abruptly pulled away. Once I realized something was off, I tried to sit him down and talk about us, but he just turned it around on me, claiming I was "creating problems where none existed." It started with him being distant, dodging hangouts, and basically ghosting my attempts at connection—until I realized I was the only one making any effort while he acted like everything was perfectly fine. We actually broke up for a full month, which was pure agony for me because I had become emotionally dependent on him, while he just kept retreating. He didn't even have the backbone to tell me to my face that he wanted out. To be fair, neither did I. I just couldn't wrap my head around why this was happening. One day we were great, and the next, it was a completely different story.

Eventually, things ended for good, and I spiraled into a total funk. I neglected my classes at NYU, pushed my friends away, and forced myself to go out when I really just wanted to crawl into a hole. I wasn't myself anymore. My friends would get frustrated with me, asking why I was acting this way, but I just couldn't help it.
In the meantime, I didn't try to get close to anyone else because I missed him too much, and frankly, nobody else seemed interesting enough. And I have to admit, there were plenty of wonderful people around me.
I totally put him on a pedestal. I realize that now—it took me a whole year to see it clearly—but still...

I remember talking to a friend back then who told me that at our age (26), almost everyone has one story like this in their past. And looking around, it seems true; nearly everyone I know has dealt with a similar kind of "trauma." I have a friend who spent eight years stuck in a cycle with a guy who would leave her and only come crawling back whenever he needed something, and she just wasn't strong enough to end it.

So now I’m wondering—why do we do this to ourselves? Why am I still struggling with it, why is it so hard to accept that he isn't what I need, and why do I keep telling myself I'll never truly get over this?
The truth is, I can see how much he changed me, and unfortunately, not for the better. How do you move past that?

I’d love to hear about your own experiences after your "traumas"... How long did it take you to recover and get back on your feet? How did it change you? And were you actually able to build healthy, quality relationships with someone else afterward?

I’d ask the moderators to please keep this thread from moving to the venting or US boards, and sorry if this post feels a bit scattered. I’m not exactly feeling 😢

Patrick Alvarez20 said:So, there are a few things on my mind... I’d love to hear some experiences or maybe get an opinion from someone who actually understands human psychology regarding what I’m going through right now.

About a year ago, I fell for this guy, and honestly, he absolutely wrecked me. At first, the relationship was full of these incredible, beautiful moments, but then he just abruptly pulled away. Once I realized something was off, I tried to sit him down and talk about us, but he just turned it around on me, claiming I was "creating problems where none existed." It started with him being distant, dodging hangouts, and basically ghosting my attempts at connection—until I realized I was the only one making any effort while he acted like everything was perfectly fine. We actually broke up for a full month, which was pure agony for me because I had become emotionally dependent on him, while he just kept retreating. He didn't even have the backbone to tell me to my face that he wanted out. To be fair, neither did I. I just couldn't wrap my head around why this was happening. One day we were great, and the next, it was a completely different story.

Eventually, things ended for good, and I spiraled into a total funk. I neglected my classes at NYU, pushed my friends away, and forced myself to go out when I really just wanted to crawl into a hole. I wasn't myself anymore. My friends would get frustrated with me, asking why I was acting this way, but I just couldn't help it.
In the meantime, I didn't try to get close to anyone else because I missed him too much, and frankly, nobody else seemed interesting enough. And I have to admit, there were plenty of wonderful people around me.
I totally put him on a pedestal. I realize that now—it took me a whole year to see it clearly—but still...

I remember talking to a friend back then who told me that at our age (26), almost everyone has one story like this in their past. And looking around, it seems true; nearly everyone I know has dealt with a similar kind of "trauma." I have a friend who spent eight years stuck in a cycle with a guy who would leave her and only come crawling back whenever he needed something, and she just wasn't strong enough to end it.

So now I’m wondering—why do we do this to ourselves? Why am I still struggling with it, why is it so hard to accept that he isn't what I need, and why do I keep telling myself I'll never truly get over this?
The truth is, I can see how much he changed me, and unfortunately, not for the better. How do you move past that?

I’d love to hear about your own experiences after your "traumas"... How long did it take you to recover and get back on your feet? How did it change you? And were you actually able to build healthy, quality relationships with someone else afterward?

I’d ask the moderators to please keep this thread from moving to the venting or US boards, and sorry if this post feels a bit scattered. I’m not exactly feeling 😢

Timothy Cruz6 said:The only strange thing to me is that you're only just having this realization at 26.🙂
Mine hit me at 15 and lasted until I was 17; it left a mark on my life that never truly faded. It was a heavy, traumatic experience, and it took me decades to move past it. Every relationship I had afterward was broken because of that one wrong person at the wrong time. They aren't lying when they say you only love like that once—when you're foolish and blind to everything else happening around you. It never happened again. Instead of fond memories of young love, I’m left with nothing but guilt, shame, and regret for how I spent those years.

I'm 29 now, and perhaps I've only just become a functional human being.

Patrick Alvarez20Honestly, I feel like this entire thread doesn't even belong on this PDF—it belongs on the Wall Street Journal instead. Just like everything else around here. Timothy Cruz6 I noticed something—it’s a bit unusual to be dealing with a story like that at only 26. For both me and her, this kind of thing hit us back when we were 16 or 17. Then again, we aren't all cut from the same cloth; we don't all gain life experience at the same age, nor are those experiences identical. It happens earlier for some and later for others—life doesn't follow a set schedule. But if you ask me, what you're going through is your first real love (and let's face it, every single one is its own unique saga). You can read about mine whenever you have a moment. here She absolutely wrecked me—honestly, for a while there, I was looking for her in every single girl I met. But deep down, I knew that’s just how things go sometimes. I eventually had to accept it and just view her as one beautiful, unforgettable chapter of my life. Luckily for you, time heals everything—it definitely does in this case. You're going to be just fine; you'll get through this. Just focus on crushing it at college, hang out with your friends, and sooner or later, someone will come along who makes you forget all of this, pushing it right into the back of your memory.

I went through that same kind of destructive love when I was seventeen... we were together until I turned nineteen.
I guess it hits some people earlier and others later. But yeah, it definitely left its mark on me. It took years to actually recover because I became so deeply attached to him. He was my first, and he knew exactly how emotionally dependent I’d become—which probably made him lose interest. He could manipulate me easily, and I just adored him. After that, falling in love again was an uphill battle because I kept looking for him in everyone else. Even now, I think of him fondly... you just can't forget those first loves. There isn't much else you can do but let time pass... you just have to wait for the healing to happen...

Mine wasn't some destructive disaster—far from it. I actually look back on it with nothing but fond memories. It just left its mark on me, forcing me to grow up and find my footing a lot faster than I expected.

I went through my own version of a "destructive love" when I was 29, and it dragged on for about two and a half years. Honestly, I don't think the actual number of years really matters in these kinds of situations. It feels more like it's about how much of ourselves we decide to give away and when we choose to fully surrender to someone—though, I guess you really have to be careful that you're actually giving it to the right person. If you aren't, you just end up walking away feeling completely broken. But then again, maybe we all just have to go through whatever it is we need to go through. I feel like we use these messy, complicated relationships to work through old wounds that have been sitting there for a long time, one way or another. And hey, I suppose we grow and mature through our most painful connections too. Looking back at that whole relationship now... it almost feels like I was a totally different person back then.