Choosing a partner?

Is there actually a link between growing up in a cold, emotionally distant household and then spending your adult life gravitating toward partners who are just as icy? Like, does that lack of warmth early on somehow prime you to pick someone else who’s basically a human glacier?

We’ve basically just swept everything we used to know under the rug.

Yeah, there are tons of connections... If you're into that kind of stuff, you should definitely check out Pixar... Hendrix wrote 🙂

Yeah, I guess childhood and your environment are to blame for everything

Yeah, it’s definitely a thing... you end up picking what's already familiar because it feels safer than stepping into the unknown—or, honestly, maybe you just have this subconscious urge to repeat the same patterns of dissatisfaction. It's like you keep choosing the same type of partner over and over again, hoping to finally resolve some deep-seated "trauma." But you won't actually move past it until you do the work to grow out of it and transform into a healthier version of yourself..

Exactly. You're basically just running a loop of whatever dynamics you picked up from your parents growing up. Either they treated you that way, or at least one of them did.

Thanks for all the input, everyone... I guess I've got a lot to chew on now...😉

quietsailor32 said:Exactly. You're basically just running a loop of whatever dynamics you picked up from your parents growing up. Either they treated you that way, or at least one of them did.

I think this idea is a bit oversimplified.

I grew up in a house where emotional distance didn't exist.
My mom is a nurturer. Not just with me, but with everyone. She has this empathy that sometimes veers into borderline neurotic territory.
She passed that right down to me. It’s probably why I deal with that constant inner restlessness and excessive guilt.

My dad was more rational than her. More reserved. But he wasn't emotionally detached either. He was just... I don't know... balanced. Normal.

But here's the thing. Even though I'm an open book, I've always been drawn to guys who are a bit antisocial. The types who hate crowds, shut themselves off, and don't seek attention. They’re self-contained. They build these walls, creating that exact emotional distance that you have to peel back layer by layer.

The way I see it, my openness—which I inherited from my mother—is something I actually view as emotional instability. It's not something I particularly love about myself. My emotions allow me to give a lot, but they can also cause damage. Mostly to me, but sometimes to others too. Like when I take things too personally and lash out defensively instead of just walking away.

I can hang out with the loud guys, the ones constantly seeking the spotlight. They don't bother me. But I could never build a deep connection with someone like that.

In those "emotionally distant" men, I guess I see the stability I've been trying to build in myself for years.
That’s likely why I gravitate toward people who are my complete opposite. Only with that type of guy can I find true emotional intimacy—even if it’s a long, bumpy road just to get through his shell before we can even start building something real.

Kevin Bailey2 said:I think this idea is a bit oversimplified.

I grew up in a house where emotional distance didn't exist.
My mom is a nurturer. Not just with me, but with everyone. She has this empathy that sometimes veers into borderline neurotic territory.
She passed that right down to me. It’s probably why I deal with that constant inner restlessness and excessive guilt.

My dad was more rational than her. More reserved. But he wasn't emotionally detached either. He was just... I don't know... balanced. Normal.

But here's the thing. Even though I'm an open book, I've always been drawn to guys who are a bit antisocial. The types who hate crowds, shut themselves off, and don't seek attention. They’re self-contained. They build these walls, creating that exact emotional distance that you have to peel back layer by layer.

The way I see it, my openness—which I inherited from my mother—is something I actually view as emotional instability. It's not something I particularly love about myself. My emotions allow me to give a lot, but they can also cause damage. Mostly to me, but sometimes to others too. Like when I take things too personally and lash out defensively instead of just walking away.

I can hang out with the loud guys, the ones constantly seeking the spotlight. They don't bother me. But I could never build a deep connection with someone like that.

In those "emotionally distant" men, I guess I see the stability I've been trying to build in myself for years.
That’s likely why I gravitate toward people who are my complete opposite. Only with that type of guy can I find true emotional intimacy—even if it’s a long, bumpy road just to get through his shell before we can even start building something real.

Have you ever considered that you might be doing this because you're a caregiver at heart? Like, you see people who clearly need that care and you step up. You see them as someone who needs you.

I'm not sure why you equate stability with being emotionally distant, though. To me, those types just seem cold... unless you're seeing a parallel between that detachment and staying steady.

Melissa Sanchez8 said:Have you ever considered that you might be doing this because you're a caregiver at heart? Like, you see people who clearly need that care and you step up. You see them as someone who needs you.

I'm not sure why you equate stability with being emotionally distant, though. To me, those types just seem cold... unless you're seeing a parallel between that detachment and staying steady.

Could be.

It could be both. My side and yours. It's a toss-up. 😬

I don't really get why you're equating being impulsive with being emotionally unstable.
If that's the case, most women would fall into that category according to you.🤷

🙄

And I guess you're calling being closed off and distant "stable" or "normal."
To me, that kind of shut-down behavior just seems immature.🤷

People like that are basically ticking time bombs—they just bottle up all this aggression until they eventually snap.🤷😁

hiddenhawk3 said:I don't really get why you're equating being impulsive with being emotionally unstable.
If that's the case, most women would fall into that category according to you.🤷

🙄

And I guess you're calling being closed off and distant "stable" or "normal."
To me, that kind of shut-down behavior just seems immature.🤷

People like that are basically ticking time bombs—they just bottle up all this aggression until they eventually snap.🤷😁

Fair enough... I was using myself and my mother as examples. Maybe we both fall into that narrow category of being highly emotional—like hypersensitive. Not everyone who's emotional is hypersensitive, though. I definitely am... which is part of why I've sought professional help.😬

One thing I have noticed, though, is how easily I click with people who are my polar opposite. People who are antisocial. Or, if you want to go with your label... potential psychopaths.😍
I actually find their company refreshing because it creates a sort of balance for me.

Personally, I think we're all potential psychopaths in some way; everyone has their own triggers.

Being antisocial doesn't mean someone is a psycho or destined to become one. Especially not if they have a partner or friend who understands them—someone capable of seeing things from their perspective and communicating through it, even if they aren't wired that way themselves.

Maybe "antisocial" is the wrong word... I don't know. Maybe it isn't. All I know is that an antisocial type of guy is the only person I can be with without getting sick of him after a few days. No matter what baggage he's carrying, it's usually fixable. Unless he's a full-blown sociopath...🤣
though maybe you could even build something nice with a sociopath. Provided they aren't a total chainsaw. Lol.
I'm assuming "antisocial" isn't the same thing as being a sociopath. If it is, then my bad to any guys who fit my description above and were offended by my choice of words.
We can find a different term if it helps. Something more politically correct. Reserved, unsociable, semi-misanthropes...🤣

Just my theory.

Honestly, I don't think it’s the loudmouths who finally snap—they've been venting all day, right? It’s always those quiet types, the ones who seem totally chill and collected for no apparent reason. They’re just sitting there, bottling up this massive, chaotic storm inside themselves, just waiting for the moment it all finally explodes.

Angela Cox4 said:Honestly, I don't think it’s the loudmouths who finally snap—they've been venting all day, right? It’s always those quiet types, the ones who seem totally chill and collected for no apparent reason. They’re just sitting there, bottling up this massive, chaotic storm inside themselves, just waiting for the moment it all finally explodes.

I guess it's different for everyone when they finally hit their limit.
Everyone's got their own threshold, I suppose. 😍

I'm curious about how to handle this control drama.
Take someone who’s emotionally stuck, for example—they just can't express what they're feeling or show when something is actually bothering them.
The way they exert control is through being secretive, almost like they're waiting for someone else to play detective and dig through their thoughts. How does a person deal with this from their own side, and how can someone else help them realize what's happening and work through it?

I suppose it isn't strictly necessary, though most of the time it seems to be

If that theory actually held water, everyone would just end up picking identical partners and having the exact same relationships, which obviously isn't what happens in real life.
I guess that would mean we're all just predestined for certain things, maybe.

rapidtinker75 said:I'm curious about how to handle this control drama.
Take someone who’s emotionally stuck, for example—they just can't express what they're feeling or show when something is actually bothering them.
The way they exert control is through being secretive, almost like they're waiting for someone else to play detective and dig through their thoughts. How does a person deal with this from their own side, and how can someone else help them realize what's happening and work through it?

Maybe just shut it down before they drive you insane.
😁