Dealing with depression and relationship issues

Hey everyone. 🙂

I'm 27. I've dealt with depression on and off my whole life. My childhood was pretty rough—lots of violence and abuse—and yeah, that left its mark on me.

Right now, I've got this specific issue weighing on me...

I’ve been seeing this amazing girl for about two or three months. Honestly, I'm incredibly happy with her, but some things are eating at me. She fell hard for me while she was still in a long-term relationship with someone else. She didn't cheat on him; she just confessed her feelings, they ended things, and then we started dating. At first, I wasn't sure if I should get involved because she meant so much to me as a friend and I didn't want to wreck her life, but eventually, I fell for her too. I couldn't stay away, so here we are.

Everything seems great on the surface. We hang out constantly, we talk all the time, the chemistry is incredible, and the sex has been the best I've ever had...

But lately, I've been hit with this massive wave of guilt, and it's triggering that depression I struggle with.

The guilt comes from the fact that she seems way more head-over-heels for me than I am for her. Look, I've been in love before, and it usually ends badly. Those past feelings felt much more intense than what I'm feeling right now. That's why I'm so confused.

I can't tell if this is just my depression acting up or something else entirely. In the past, I've spiraled into thinking I had some terminal illness or a brain tumor—stupid stuff like that. I'd get depressed over it even though a part of me knew I was being irrational.

Sometimes it feels like my body is actually craving the depression. It's like I subconsciously seek out dark thoughts, and once I start, I can't stop.

Things are perfect when she's around, but the second she leaves, I start questioning if I'm actually in love. I know I am, but then the doubt creeps in: Am I enough for her?
She walked away from her previous life for me, and now I'm just sitting here feeling insecure and lost. Just last week, I was spiraling, wondering if she still loved her ex or if she'd go back to him. It's exhausting. Even if everything I'm saying is true, it shouldn't be this hard. I'm feeling so low that I'm actually considering seeing a psychiatrist and starting medication.

Look... I know this sounds pathetic and probably gives some of you a headache to read, but if anyone has any real advice, I'm all ears.

Thanks. 🙂

It might be worth reaching out to a professional for some expert guidance on this...

If you're dealing with those kinds of health anxieties or whatever, I guess you should actually go talk to a doctor. And honestly, her being more into you... that's just a good thing. It's not some kind of competition to see who loves who more. ☕

How do you actually know you're in love with her? And how is this different from everything else you've felt before... Have you ever been this crazy about someone?

Thanks for the input. Should I be looking to set up an appointment with a psychologist or a psychiatrist? Also, do you happen to know any good private practitioners out in Washington, D.C.?

I tried going through my insurance once, and honestly, it was a total letdown...

I haven’t really spiraled like this over a relationship before. I haven't been in many to begin with—just one six-month thing back in the day that ended because she simply stopped being into me...

But with this girl? It's different. I get those butterflies every single time. I find myself counting down the minutes until I see her smile. We’re hanging out constantly and it just feels right. Honestly, I'm obsessed with her laugh and the way she talks and everything else about her...

So how do you even tell this apart from just a regular crush? At the end of the day, you're the only one who knows what's going on inside your own head. If you feel like it isn't enough... then it isn't. Doesn't matter what anyone else says.

Arthur Barnes said:So how do you even tell this apart from just a regular crush? At the end of the day, you're the only one who knows what's going on inside your own head. If you feel like it isn't enough... then it isn't. Doesn't matter what anyone else says.

I guess I'm with Arthur Barnes on this one.

And honestly, I think it’s pretty much impossible for two people to love each other at the exact same level.

One side always ends up caring more, I suppose.

I don't really get it, though. You said you were so head over heels you couldn't live without her, but now you're saying you don't even love her that much?

I don't have any real advice, but love is generally just a mess. Maybe it's better to never fall for anyone at all.🙂

The difference is that I used to suffer way more back in the day, and it never really led to anything lasting. To be honest, the feeling hit harder then than it does now. When I was younger, that whole "falling in love" intensity was just on a completely different level...

hiddenhawk3 said:I guess I'm with Arthur Barnes on this one.

And honestly, I think it’s pretty much impossible for two people to love each other at the exact same level.

One side always ends up caring more, I suppose.

I don't really get it, though. You said you were so head over heels you couldn't live without her, but now you're saying you don't even love her that much?

I don't have any real advice, but love is generally just a mess. Maybe it's better to never fall for anyone at all.🙂

Look, I said I grew fond of her, I didn't say I don't love her.🙂

silentcobra14 said:Look, I said I grew fond of her, I didn't say I don't love her.🙂

Honestly, I'd just say break up with her. Find someone else, or maybe just spend some time being alone for a change.

As long as you're stuck wondering if she's actually there for you... I don't know, it feels like a lost cause. 🙂

I guess you either love someone or you don't. There isn't really an "I'm not sure" middle ground. 🙄

All true love is destined for heartbreak 😬

Look, "objectively" speaking, everything might check out. You could have great communication, amazing sex, mutual understanding... all that stuff. To the "average person"—and I don't mean that as an insult, just strictly in terms of statistical averages—that would be plenty. They wouldn't see anything missing, they'd be happy, everything would be fine. But it doesn't matter how that "average person" feels. It only matters how *you* feel. It doesn't even matter if you're "normal" or not. If you find yourself trapped in this loop of thinking, "If I were normal, this would be enough," or some variation of that... just stop. Just stop it. Why? Because it doesn't matter. You are who you are, and you can't use logic to change your emotions. Ever. If they aren't enough for you, there isn't a single thing you can do to fix that. No amount of self-improvement is going to change how you feel about her.

If you're considering seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist, it should be to work through past trauma from being mistreated. Because right now, the idea that you just aren't "in love enough" because she's more invested than you are... that's just a hypothesis. It's possible, sure, but you don't know for sure. Only doing the work—whether with a pro or on your own—will help you find the answer. Once you know, then you'll know. There's also the possibility that she simply isn't the one for you. Maybe you'll meet someone else who is head over heels for you, and you won't have any of these doubts. But until something happens, we're just guessing. Either way, I think you need to be honest with her and tell her what's bothering you, even if you haven't been together long.

Thanks for the reply, but I’m not sure I should tell her that just yet. I want to be the strong one here, especially since she's still dealing with that breakup from a few months back.

I think you’re actually doing her a disservice by sticking around when you aren't even sure of yourself... whatever the reason might be. It's always easier to blame something internal, or worse, point to something external we can't control, like depression... 😉

silentcobra14 said:Thanks for the reply, but I’m not sure I should tell her that just yet. I want to be the strong one here, especially since she's still dealing with that breakup from a few months back.

I don't get it.

How can you try to be strong for someone when you don't even know how you feel about them?

@silentcobra14
If you believe you need professional assistance regarding your mental health, I certainly support you seeking it. We have a dedicated thread on Psychosofa providing recommendations for psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists; please review it.

Regarding relationship issues: I have heard all sorts of advice, but one of the best is simply, "love the person who loves you"😉.
Love doesn't always need to be a "tsunami," but if you love this girl and things are good between you, stop overcomplicating it. And why on earth would you tell her, "you love me 60%, while I love you 40%"?🤷 That will almost certainly result in a breakup or, at the very least, leave her deeply hurt.
If you see a future with her, then commit to it; if not, be honest, talk it out, and go your separate ways.

Above all, work on yourself first before making decisions that could fundamentally alter the course of your life.

What you are experiencing is nothing more than a psychological projection of an underlying sense of inadequacy manifesting itself.

hiddenhawk3 said:I don't get it.

How can you try to be strong for someone when you don't even know how you feel about them?

Look, I know how I feel. It’s just that damn percentage—trying to figure out who’s more invested in whom. As stupid as that sounds, I know it's irrational. That's why I'm choosing to wait. I'm not making any impulsive moves because I refuse to screw up this relationship, which honestly, is the best thing that's ever happened to me...

driftinggull21 said:@silentcobra14
If you believe you need professional assistance regarding your mental health, I certainly support you seeking it. We have a dedicated thread on Psychosofa providing recommendations for psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists; please review it.

Regarding relationship issues: I have heard all sorts of advice, but one of the best is simply, "love the person who loves you"😉.
Love doesn't always need to be a "tsunami," but if you love this girl and things are good between you, stop overcomplicating it. And why on earth would you tell her, "you love me 60%, while I love you 40%"?🤷 That will almost certainly result in a breakup or, at the very least, leave her deeply hurt.
If you see a future with her, then commit to it; if not, be honest, talk it out, and go your separate ways.

Above all, work on yourself first before making decisions that could fundamentally alter the course of your life.

So you think we can actually control who we fall for or how much? Lol.

Chloe Hughes6 said:What you are experiencing is nothing more than a psychological projection of an underlying sense of inadequacy manifesting itself.

That’s definitely one way to look at it. Needs testing though...

Because I don't see a pattern here—it's not like he's been in five different relationships where he ALWAYS feels like he isn't in love enough, it's just this one. Let's not jump to conclusions. It's just as possible that she simply doesn't have that "something" he needs... something he might find with someone else.