My heart is hurting

Where do I even start?
So, you aren't actually living with your husband right now, correct?
You're footing the entire bill and handling all the parenting duties solo?
Then why on earth are you still there?
If you want my two cents—and I’m telling you this straight—file for divorce, get those child support payments sorted out, and move into a place of your own. It sounds to me like you're basically living under your mother-in-law's thumb.
Do you have parents nearby who could take you in for a bit while you get your feet under you?
Are you working? If you're currently out on maternity leave, do you have a job to go back to once that's up?
The mess you're in right now isn't healthy for your kids. You're their mother, and you have to protect them—you'll ultimately be responsible for the people they grow up to be because they're watching you.
The fact that your husband just drags the kids to a coffee shop isn't cutting it; he's basically just looking for a way to kill time rather than actually being a parent. You're spot on there. A father should spend time with his kids outside, at home, or yeah, sure, at a cafe—but not *only* at the cafe.
Your child is acting out aggressively because they've seen that behavior from their dad, and now they're passing it down to their siblings. They're trying to act dominant over them, just like your husband tries to dominate you. Let's face it: he knows he's more financially stable than you are, and he's using that to keep you under his thumb.
I don't quite get it—you're living under the same roof but separated, yet he isn't contributing financially to his own children? How does that work? Why? You're still legally married.
You really ought to reach out to a social worker and get some professional advice on what your next moves should be.
That's just my advice, coming from one mother to another—I've got three kids of my own.

I honestly find it impossible to wrap my head around someone claiming, "I'd rather he hit me than leave me alone with three sons," only to read the rest of the story and realize this poor woman is actually struggling to survive on an upper floor by herself with zero financial support. He didn't just leave you; he emotionally pulverized you.

There isn't much room for nuance here.

If you don't change things, those boys are going to grow up to be little delinquents. You already mentioned you're having trouble with them, and that’s exactly what happens when kids are raised in an abusive environment—witnessing that kind of violence is its own form of trauma.

Since you aren't getting a dime from your mother-in-law or your "husband," reach out to your family or your parents. Surely they aren't the type to turn their backs on you. Once the divorce is finalized, you'll be entitled to child support, which might even help you secure a small apartment.😉 Imagine that: peace, actual harmony...

I have absolutely no sympathy for parents who keep their children trapped in the orbit of abusers and deadbeat fathers; staying in that situation makes you an accomplice, basically holding the ladder while he climbs.

P.S. I remember thinking I had nowhere to go myself, but once things hit a breaking point, my family suddenly opened their doors wide.

Yeah... I’m currently living upstairs in my mother-in-law's house. My husband and I aren't even legally married—it was just a religious ceremony—so there isn't really a legal divorce to file. As for child support, I honestly think getting anything would be an uphill battle because he doesn't have a steady, registered job; he’s basically just doing odd jobs under the table. My family lives all the way out in Texas, so I don't really have anyone local to turn to for help. I don't have a close relationship with my mom or dad either; they’ve essentially been living their own lives since I was three years old, so I was really raised by my grandparents. Everything feels like such a mess right now. The situation is anything but easy, and trying to piece together the pieces of myself that I feel like I lost during this marriage is incredibly overwhelming. All I know is that I have to make a move, because I’ve hit rock bottom. I refuse to keep living in such a toxic environment. I’m heading back to work in May, and I’ll be putting the kids in daycare. Leaving them in their care would be pure insanity, because they are truly irresponsible people who only care about themselves. But the one thing I do have right now is a deep, burning desire for a better tomorrow.

Look, stop guessing whether you’ll actually land the child support or not. Honestly, just go talk to a social worker—there's always someone out there who can give you some actual guidance. At the end of the day, he’s the father, and he needs to make sure there's money set aside for his kids. It’s his responsibility to pay up, period. I'm not entirely sure how things play out in your specific neck of the woods, which is why I'm telling you to reach out to a professional and get some clarity.
I know this is heavy stuff, but you've gotta step up and take action.

OP, could you please look into whether there are any counseling centers near you that specialize in kids? I’m looking for a child—or maybe even a school—psychologist, someone who can sit down and really talk things through with your oldest. It isn't that he's naturally an aggressive kid—it’s just that he’s struggling, and honestly, he doesn't have any other way to express that pain yet. Every child deserves a stable, safe environment where they aren't constantly witnessing insults, humiliation, or fighting. Kids learn by what they experience; if his daily reality is seeing conflicts settled through yelling and shouting matches, he won't know any better—not to mention all that frustration building up inside him that he eventually has to "vent" somewhere, which leads to these outbursts. Your son needs to hear that he matters to you, and that his behavior actually hurts you and worries you. The last thing he needs right now is more strictness, spanking, or harsh punishments—that’s just going to trigger more rebellion and make everything so much harder in the long run.