How to deal with stupidity :)

I’ve been spiraling over this whole "who was my first" thing, and honestly, it’s driving me insane. I had so many doubts early on about whether it was actually with my current boyfriend or some random guy from way back. Even though I know deep down he’s my first and only—and that other guy was just one pathetic, failed attempt at something—this question has been haunting me for days. I’ve become obsessed, obsessively lurking through all those "first time" threads on this forum, obsessing over every tiny detail. I feel like I’ve completely lost it. I’ve poured my heart out to so many people here, explaining the whole story and how everything went down, and they’ve all looked me in the eye and told me, "Look, there's zero doubt, he really was your first." But even after hearing that, I can't stop the mental loop. I kept asking stupid questions until people finally snapped at me, basically telling me, "For the last time, it WAS your first, and if you still don't believe it, maybe you need to see a therapist."
I have no clue why I'm letting this get to me so much. Even when I logically know the truth, this constant anxiety and stress just won't let up. It's like I can't shake this feeling. Does anyone actually know how to stop these stupid intrusive thoughts? They really shouldn't be bothering me anymore at this point. The worst part is, while the actual thoughts aren't hitting as hard as they were, I still have this heavy, crushing weight on my chest and this overwhelming sense of dread that just won't go away.

You’ve got a mild case of depression there, and honestly, it could spiral if you aren't careful.
I don't quite get the first part of your story—not that I really want to dig into it—but I definitely don't see the point of your question. Why does it matter who came first, second, or third if you actually love your current boyfriend and you're happy with him? What happened is over. It's behind you. Every new relationship should be a clean slate, starting from zero.

But look, if you’re still dragging all that baggage around, go talk to a professional. See a therapist or a psychiatrist. A problem might look small at the start, but if you don't deal with it, you'll end up making it your whole world before you know it.

Kyle Harris7 said:You’ve got a mild case of depression there, and honestly, it could spiral if you aren't careful.
I don't quite get the first part of your story—not that I really want to dig into it—but I definitely don't see the point of your question. Why does it matter who came first, second, or third if you actually love your current boyfriend and you're happy with him? What happened is over. It's behind you. Every new relationship should be a clean slate, starting from zero.

But look, if you’re still dragging all that baggage around, go talk to a professional. See a therapist or a psychiatrist. A problem might look small at the start, but if you don't deal with it, you'll end up making it your whole world before you know it.

For me, it’s incredibly important that my current guy is my first and only because I’m planning on spending the rest of my life with him. I don't even know why it hits me so hard, maybe I'm just wired that way. Or maybe it's because for four years, both he and I were totally sure about this, and now I'm suddenly hitting this wall where I don't even recognize myself anymore. Okay, look, I've "resolved" it—I know everything is fine, I know he's my first, and it's exactly how I always wanted it to be. My actual problem is that even after I've logically dealt with it, I can't stop thinking about it; I'm constantly gripped by this anxiety and this weird sense of guilt that I can't even put into words. That's why I'm posting here, because I'm genuinely terrified that these stupid thoughts are going to lead to a much bigger breakdown, and I feel like I'm slipping into some kind of depression 😢 even though there isn't any logical reason for it.

Aha, okay, I get it now. You’ve got this "tail" following you around, and it all stems from that nagging guilt you feel after trying to fix things.
Honestly, it’s a pretty standard reaction. Most people, once they deal with a mess, start asking themselves, "Why did I even let this happen in the first place?" Then the guilt kicks in, mixed with a healthy dose of self-loathing because you felt weak in the face of the problem. Usually, that phase passes quickly once you move on, but you're stuck in it. You're overthinking something that ultimately doesn't matter.
Look, depression is basically just a loop playing in your head: there's the problem, the obsessive thinking about it, the attempt to fix it (which is usually half-baked or incomplete; we lose the will to change things as time goes on, which is exactly when we should stop), the realization that you can't fix it, and then—boom—back to the problem. The circle closes and spins forever. To break the cycle, you have to pick one specific link in that chain—the weakest one—and attack it. That’s how you shatter the loop.
In your case, you need to get it through your head and accept it deep down: you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to regret. It’s fine that you wanted to clean up your life, but don't let fixing one thing wreck everything else. Doubting yourself is part of being human. Being ashamed of being human is just ridiculous. So, you weren't sure if he was your first? Fine. You got your answer. Now shut up and move on. That little insecurity is resolved. Just walk away, take the lesson, and focus on your future, your partner, and yourself. And try not to let the same pattern repeat. Everything else is in the rearview mirror for a reason.

Kyle Harris7 said:Aha, okay, I get it now. You’ve got this "tail" following you around, and it all stems from that nagging guilt you feel after trying to fix things.
Honestly, it’s a pretty standard reaction. Most people, once they deal with a mess, start asking themselves, "Why did I even let this happen in the first place?" Then the guilt kicks in, mixed with a healthy dose of self-loathing because you felt weak in the face of the problem. Usually, that phase passes quickly once you move on, but you're stuck in it. You're overthinking something that ultimately doesn't matter.
Look, depression is basically just a loop playing in your head: there's the problem, the obsessive thinking about it, the attempt to fix it (which is usually half-baked or incomplete; we lose the will to change things as time goes on, which is exactly when we should stop), the realization that you can't fix it, and then—boom—back to the problem. The circle closes and spins forever. To break the cycle, you have to pick one specific link in that chain—the weakest one—and attack it. That’s how you shatter the loop.
In your case, you need to get it through your head and accept it deep down: you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to regret. It’s fine that you wanted to clean up your life, but don't let fixing one thing wreck everything else. Doubting yourself is part of being human. Being ashamed of being human is just ridiculous. So, you weren't sure if he was your first? Fine. You got your answer. Now shut up and move on. That little insecurity is resolved. Just walk away, take the lesson, and focus on your future, your partner, and yourself. And try not to let the same pattern repeat. Everything else is in the rearview mirror for a reason.

Ugh, finally! Someone who actually gets it. This is exactly what I've been trying to explain to everyone, but nobody seems to listen. I had my doubts, I got a positive answer that I already knew deep down, and that *should* be the end of it, right? But this has been dragging on for days, and unlike when this first started, I'm actually doing a lot better. Especially since I've gone through every single tiny detail I thought might prove me wrong, and none of them held water—there was literally nothing there. There was nothing before my current boyfriend. Everything makes perfect sense to me logically, and I am 100% convinced of it. But even after all that, I still feel this overwhelming urge to cry, scream, or just hide. It feels like I'm suffocating. What you wrote describes exactly how I feel, and it helped so much because you aren't judging me or looking down on me like other people do. You actually see what I'm trying to do. Thank you so much for those last few words... I think I just really need someone to talk to about this. I've talked to my boyfriend about it plenty of times; I've basically dumped the same old story on him over and over. Now I'm just not sure if it's smart to keep rubbing salt in the wound by telling him I'm still feeling this way. It's clearly not easy for him to hear about my past, and it's definitely not comfortable for me to keep dredging up all the details.

First off, let me clear something up: I’m a guy. My username is just a play on the word Jeep—I added the "ja" at the end just for kicks. But hey, I get why people get confused.

Regarding how you process things; I totally get where you're coming from. I do the exact same thing. I’ll take a problem and chew on it like a piece of gum until my whole life feels sour, yet I still can't stop obsessively grinding away at it. The trick is to actually stop thinking about it. My way of handling it is to sit down, collect myself, and ask, "Okay, fine. You've looked at this from every possible angle and asked every single question—so what's the verdict? What did you actually learn?" Once I have that realization, I turn it into a life lesson—a new experience to apply to future messes. Then I dump the negativity from the problem (or just bury it deep enough so I don't have to deal with it anymore) and move on.

Honestly, I don't think you should say anything to him. There's nothing new to be said there. Once you truly put it behind you, just tell him it's handled and that you're moving forward.
The point is, you have to resolve this yourself. But look, if things get heavy, you know where to find us (vent to us, we're already here).

Kyle Harris7 said:First off, let me clear something up: I’m a guy. My username is just a play on the word Jeep—I added the "ja" at the end just for kicks. But hey, I get why people get confused.

Regarding how you process things; I totally get where you're coming from. I do the exact same thing. I’ll take a problem and chew on it like a piece of gum until my whole life feels sour, yet I still can't stop obsessively grinding away at it. The trick is to actually stop thinking about it. My way of handling it is to sit down, collect myself, and ask, "Okay, fine. You've looked at this from every possible angle and asked every single question—so what's the verdict? What did you actually learn?" Once I have that realization, I turn it into a life lesson—a new experience to apply to future messes. Then I dump the negativity from the problem (or just bury it deep enough so I don't have to deal with it anymore) and move on.

Honestly, I don't think you should say anything to him. There's nothing new to be said there. Once you truly put it behind you, just tell him it's handled and that you're moving forward.
The point is, you have to resolve this yourself. But look, if things get heavy, you know where to find us (vent to us, we're already here).

oops, my bad 🙂 Dan, I am exactly the same way with this issue. I've played out the same thousand scenarios in my head so many times I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'll even go as far as convincing myself of things that aren't even true 😢 before I snap out of it and tell myself, "Come on, don't be an idiot, you know the truth, quit the nonsense." And for a second, it's fine, but then it just crawls right back. Like you said, the goal is to stop, but it just happens on its own even when there's zero reason to be tortured by it anymore 😢 I've gone through every single angle like you mentioned, and the conclusion is exactly what I wanted it to be. Even the experts and people with tons of experience told me there's absolutely no reason to doubt anything, but I'm still stuck in my own head. My brain is fried from trying to recall empty memories or phantom feelings, and eventually, I end up inventing a memory that never even happened and start believing it... it's awful, seriously awful.
Ugh, yeah, if you only knew how much I've burdened miserable people on this forum with this, starting with the original issue that caused my current mental spiral 😢 everyone went crazy with me until they finally managed to convince me of everything...
And it's only now that I've finally found someone who actually gets the mess I'm in. Everyone else either mocks me, talks down to me, or has absolutely no clue what I'm talking about. Some people have been downright rude, too 😢

People are weird. Just accept it and don't let it get to you. I run into absolute idiots here all the time suggesting suicidal people go out and buy guns, so... but that's a whole different conversation and I don't want to spam.

Look, nobody is going to change your mindset for you except you, and you actually have to *want* to change. Sometimes you can't even force yourself to want something if your brain isn't ready to take action yet. That’s where time comes in. That old "time heals all wounds" cliché isn't meant for crazy people—it's about using time to stay busy with other things. I don't know anything about your private life, so I can't give specific advice, but for example, when I'm struggling with something at college, I just go study or pick up a hobby. Time flies, and suddenly the problem doesn't seem like such a massive deal anymore because life moves on. Only then can you look back with some perspective and realize if the issue was actually worth all that energy or if you just gave it too much power.
I'm telling you, once you finally tackle it, the mere thought of the problem will seem ridiculous. That's how you'll know you've truly moved past it. (Besides, you're young—judging by your posts—and you've got the love of your life right there with you. Don't let something this minor weigh you down. Focus on the good stuff.)

Kyle Harris7 said:People are weird. Just accept it and don't let it get to you. I run into absolute idiots here all the time suggesting suicidal people go out and buy guns, so... but that's a whole different conversation and I don't want to spam.

Look, nobody is going to change your mindset for you except you, and you actually have to *want* to change. Sometimes you can't even force yourself to want something if your brain isn't ready to take action yet. That’s where time comes in. That old "time heals all wounds" cliché isn't meant for crazy people—it's about using time to stay busy with other things. I don't know anything about your private life, so I can't give specific advice, but for example, when I'm struggling with something at college, I just go study or pick up a hobby. Time flies, and suddenly the problem doesn't seem like such a massive deal anymore because life moves on. Only then can you look back with some perspective and realize if the issue was actually worth all that energy or if you just gave it too much power.
I'm telling you, once you finally tackle it, the mere thought of the problem will seem ridiculous. That's how you'll know you've truly moved past it. (Besides, you're young—judging by your posts—and you've got the love of your life right there with you. Don't let something this minor weigh you down. Focus on the good stuff.)

Thanks so much for saying that, it really helped 🙂 😉🙂😘

I really hope this gets resolved quickly, and until then, I'm gonna try to stay busy with school and stuff and just try to stay positive, even though I know I'll have those crappy days again 🙂 and I wish you nothing but the best with your own stuff 🙂 Everyone says you should just leave the past behind, fine, but what if there's unfinished business left hanging there? Am I supposed to just drop it and pretend everything was fine? Like, right now, I have this massive urge to tell my ex that I know for a fact nothing ever actually happened between us. Even if he already knows—and I'm pretty sure he does, maybe even better than I do—I just feel like I need to say it out loud, just so it's official. To say that we never actually had anything happen, okay, one attempt failed, and that's it. It's driving me crazy. I just want to send one message, no reply needed, no big deal, I just feel this overwhelming need to say it, but I don't know if that's smart. Though, I honestly feel like if I did it, my anxiety would finally chill out a bit. At least, that's how it feels. 🙂

Just consider the positive change in my life as my reward... That’s more than enough for me.

Thanks for the kind words...

Look, you have to leave the past behind, but don't just bury it in a messy pile. If you do, you're just setting yourself up to wreck your own future. Those problems you think you've "buried" will eventually grow into massive trees and catch you off guard when you least expect it. You actually have to deal with the past to settle the score.
Regarding your specific situation, I think trying to explain yourself to someone like that is a total joke. They aren't going to hear what you're saying the way you want them to. I know from experience—when you're in a relationship, you fall for an image of who someone is, only to realize later how shallow they actually are. Their ego will just get in the way and they'll turn it into a fight against you (that was my experience, anyway). Just leave those doors closed. Maybe try keeping a journal of "daily thoughts" instead. Write down whatever random realization pops into your head, no matter how trivial it seems. It'll help kill the urge to go explaining yourself to people who don't care. Some people just don't deserve your energy, so...

Kyle Harris7 said:Just consider the positive change in my life as my reward... That’s more than enough for me.

Thanks for the kind words...

Look, you have to leave the past behind, but don't just bury it in a messy pile. If you do, you're just setting yourself up to wreck your own future. Those problems you think you've "buried" will eventually grow into massive trees and catch you off guard when you least expect it. You actually have to deal with the past to settle the score.
Regarding your specific situation, I think trying to explain yourself to someone like that is a total joke. They aren't going to hear what you're saying the way you want them to. I know from experience—when you're in a relationship, you fall for an image of who someone is, only to realize later how shallow they actually are. Their ego will just get in the way and they'll turn it into a fight against you (that was my experience, anyway). Just leave those doors closed. Maybe try keeping a journal of "daily thoughts" instead. Write down whatever random realization pops into your head, no matter how trivial it seems. It'll help kill the urge to go explaining yourself to people who don't care. Some people just don't deserve your energy, so...

Okay, so basically you're saying I shouldn't do it? But I have such an intense urge to just make sure that person knows that *I* know 😢 though I'm also totally aware that doing it might just blow things up in my face and leave me feeling even more uncertain about everything than I am now 🙂 I just hope this feeling passes soon and all of this fades away, because honestly, I feel like I'm just stuck in a loop of crying and crying and crying 😢

That’s just ego talking, and let me tell you, it never leads anywhere good. Trust me, I learned that the hard way. I once tried to give some advice to this girl at my university—she actually went off on me, shouting insults just because she thought she was better than everyone else. But she came to me for a reason, even if we go to the same school. Her response? Nothing but low blows and personal attacks. That’s why I’m telling you: stop wasting your energy on lost causes. Do it for your own sake, otherwise, you’re just going to end up feeling like an idiot.

As for the crying; go ahead and let it out. It’s a good pressure valve. Just don't dwell on things that don't matter.