Running away from yourself?

Jeremy Roberts5 said:Does anyone else feel like they’re constantly trying to run away from themselves? That’s how it feels to me—like I'm trying to escape my own skin, but there's nowhere to go. I’ve been struggling with depression, and honestly, I don't even know what else is pulling me under anymore. I don't really know what to do next. At the suggestion of a friend, I went to see a psychiatrist, but I’ve already cycled through two different doctors. Both were completely disinterested in actually listening to me, let alone helping. Now I'm supposed to find a third one, but I'm dreading it because I'll probably just run into the same type of person again. This all started when I was just a kid. When I was ten, I watched my best friend die right in front of me, and I couldn't do anything to save him. Everyone blamed me for his death, even though I tried everything I could. It’s haunted me ever since. I don't know how to deal with it. I find myself constantly wondering if I’m actually a killer, and trying to wrap my head around what a killer even feels like. I often have this overwhelming urge to tell someone how sorry I am, but there's no one left to tell. I keep thinking I could have saved him if I hadn't been thinking the way I was at that moment... I remember who I was before all of this, and comparing that person to who I am now is impossible. It feels like I've spent my whole life running from myself because I can't live with the person I've become. I've isolated myself from everyone. I rarely leave the house because I'm terrified of my own shadow—scared of what might happen if I'm actually "that guy," or if something similar happens again. I know I won't be able to handle it. I can't keep living like this. Like anyone else, I crave companionship and love, but I have neither. All of this eventually led to a suicide attempt, and now I'm just stuck in this limbo. Part of me feels like I need to be punished, especially since everyone thinks I'm the reason he died. My thoughts spiral into these extremes where I feel an impulse to do something reckless just to end up in prison, because the guilt and remorse I carry are more painful than any physical injury I've ever experienced. Just so people don't think I'm some old man—I'm only 23. It’s been 13 years since that tragedy, but it feels like it happened just yesterday.

I have revisited your post, and I feel compelled to say something to you.
No murderer lives in fear of committing an act; they simply do it.
Anyone who genuinely fears causing harm, or fears taking a life, will never actually follow through, because that very fear—and the panic and intrusive thoughts it triggers—acts as a barrier.
Believe me, I have seen countless instances where people felt this exact same terror, and not a single one of them ever hurt anyone.
Someone suggested that you change your environment.
If it were within your power, that would be a beneficial step.
You need to reintegrate with society. I didn't ask about your specific surroundings—whether you live in a small town or a major city—but tell me, do you have even one friend to lean on?
Please, keep talking to us.🙂

Jeremy Roberts5 said:Why do you think that is? And what exactly am I supposed to say? (I don't owe you an apology here). Just because I'm anonymous doesn't mean there isn't a lot to discuss. Not using my real name doesn't change the fact that the people affected by what happened are still out there. For what it's worth, that friend I lost had a family and two younger sisters; they're around 15 or 16 now, and they probably know their way around a computer, so I wouldn't be surprised if they were browsing this forum too. Besides, there are countless people you pass on the street every day who are suffering internally and eventually end up committing suicide, and you'd never even know. I can type I'm sorry, but those words don't carry much weight here when the person on the other side might be laughing, crying, or simply not caring at all. Since I can't see them and they can't see me, it's different. If I said it to someone's face, I'd see exactly what they're thinking or feeling...

What exactly are you trying to get at there? That someone should just wish they could kill themselves???
Look, honey, I don't think you're some potential suicide risk because of guilt; rather, you sound like someone stuck in a depression, digging through the past looking for a "culprit"—basically searching for a reason for this current state you're in, and potentially where you'll be in the future too... Depression, or this kind of mental numbness, feels to me like being stuck in a desert without a single fertile oasis—a chronic lack of hydration, which is basically a metaphor for emotions. It’s that characteristic, almost dead expression on the face—like someone on their deathbed or drifting into a deep sleep—coupled with a total lack of vitality, a sense of futility, and a will that only exists for basic, animalistic survival. There's no interest in the future, no joy in the present, and an absolute inability to connect with anyone else....

Harold Gray97 said:I have revisited your post, and I feel compelled to say something to you.
No murderer lives in fear of committing an act; they simply do it.
Anyone who genuinely fears causing harm, or fears taking a life, will never actually follow through, because that very fear—and the panic and intrusive thoughts it triggers—acts as a barrier.
Believe me, I have seen countless instances where people felt this exact same terror, and not a single one of them ever hurt anyone.
Someone suggested that you change your environment.
If it were within your power, that would be a beneficial step.
You need to reintegrate with society. I didn't ask about your specific surroundings—whether you live in a small town or a major city—but tell me, do you have even one friend to lean on?
Please, keep talking to us.🙂

That isn't necessarily true, because you aren't accounting for the factor of "being afraid they won't be able to control themselves"... that is a completely different psychological state than those terrified OCD sufferers...
Just try to imagine how many times an average "serial killer" had to fight their own nature to stay in control, even though for them, something like a violent outburst would feel like the most natural thing in the world...

Harold Gray97 said:Where have you been hiding, my friend? Please, do not go blaming yourself; I know you’ve just been caught up in the chaos of life. As long as you are healthy and doing well, that is all that matters to me. You are in my thoughts, though I certainly don't wish to be a distraction. We shall speak soon.
Good luck.🙂🙂

Thanks! It's seriously good to "see" you again...😂

crimsoncanyon2 said:What exactly are you trying to get at there? That someone should just wish they could kill themselves???
Look, honey, I don't think you're some potential suicide risk because of guilt; rather, you sound like someone stuck in a depression, digging through the past looking for a "culprit"—basically searching for a reason for this current state you're in, and potentially where you'll be in the future too... Depression, or this kind of mental numbness, feels to me like being stuck in a desert without a single fertile oasis—a chronic lack of hydration, which is basically a metaphor for emotions. It’s that characteristic, almost dead expression on the face—like someone on their deathbed or drifting into a deep sleep—coupled with a total lack of vitality, a sense of futility, and a will that only exists for basic, animalistic survival. There's no interest in the future, no joy in the present, and an absolute inability to connect with anyone else....

That isn't necessarily true, because you aren't accounting for the factor of "being afraid they won't be able to control themselves"... that is a completely different psychological state than those terrified OCD sufferers...
Just try to imagine how many times an average "serial killer" had to fight their own nature to stay in control, even though for them, something like a violent outburst would feel like the most natural thing in the world...

Maybe you have a point, but then why do I feel so miserable... (sad, unhappy, unloved, just plain miserable...) I don't know about the dehydration thing, but my mouth is always dry...

I might sound like I’m being overprotective or acting like one of your parents here, but honestly, you're just avoiding taking responsibility for this.☕

Gerald Martin2 said:I might sound like I’m being overprotective or acting like one of your parents here, but honestly, you're just avoiding taking responsibility for this.☕

My mom definitely wouldn't care about this, so it's not like I'm looking for sympathy... And calling it an escape from responsibility? I was actually the first one in my group to get a job. As soon as I graduated high school, I started hunting immediately and landed something, but then the company went under just a few months later. That's why all my plans to move out and start over fell through.

Jeremy Roberts5 said:Maybe you have a point, but then why do I feel so miserable... (sad, unhappy, unloved, just plain miserable...) I don't know about the dehydration thing, but my mouth is always dry...

Do you even remember the last time someone actually showed you some affection? I mean, like, a genuine touch—something akin to how people pet their favorite little cat at home?

crimsoncanyon2 said:Do you even remember the last time someone actually showed you some affection? I mean, like, a genuine touch—something akin to how people pet their favorite little cat at home?

not really...

Jeremy Roberts5 said:not really...

You know, there are times when finding the right words to express how you actually feel is just impossible—and in those moments, a simple, warm human touch can change everything. I’m talking about something genuinely kind and non-sexual... it’s crazy how much that kind of connection can drain the destructiveness out of someone, or even flip the script and turn it into something productive..
Sometimes we just crave a real connection with other people, but actually getting close to someone feels daunting because of our own internal baggage and mental walls. But honestly? That's something you can overcome if you start slowly—just gradually letting someone in, skin to skin, until you're truly under their guard...

crimsoncanyon2 said:You know, there are times when finding the right words to express how you actually feel is just impossible—and in those moments, a simple, warm human touch can change everything. I’m talking about something genuinely kind and non-sexual... it’s crazy how much that kind of connection can drain the destructiveness out of someone, or even flip the script and turn it into something productive..
Sometimes we just crave a real connection with other people, but actually getting close to someone feels daunting because of our own internal baggage and mental walls. But honestly? That's something you can overcome if you start slowly—just gradually letting someone in, skin to skin, until you're truly under their guard...

😢

Jeremy Roberts5 said:😢

😘

Look, just take a breath and look up—seriously—and realize that whatever you're feeling right now isn't going to last forever. Life is unpredictable, it's weird, and it's constantly shifting gears... it has this way of dumping misery on people who are always happy, and then hitting those who are struggling with a sudden burst of joy right when they least expect it.
All it takes is for a few things to fall into place—things you might feel totally powerless over today—but by tomorrow, or next week, or once spring rolls around, the whole landscape changes. It’s a whole new ballgame. 🙂
Don't go looking at life through a lens of disappointment before you've even had a chance to experience the good stuff. You will. And don't ask me how I know.
I just do. 🙂

First off, I honestly find it hard to believe there are people actually blaming you for this, let alone people constantly rubbing it in your face 🙂 Human stupidity really is just... infinite, I guess 🤦
It’s obvious this is eating you alive, and I can certainly understand why you feel this desperate need to punish yourself; I know a million of us could jump in here and tell you that you aren't actually at fault and that punishing yourself is pointless, that you just need to move on with your life and all that, but maybe that won't be enough to actually get you moving, at least not permanently. I suppose the cards just fell in such a way that this happened at the worst possible moment, making it incredibly difficult for you to find people to connect with or anyone who could actually help you out. On top of all that, you didn't have any support from your family, which I think is really the crux of the whole issue. I imagine things might be even a tiny bit easier right now, and you might actually be able to break out of this stalemate, if they had been standing by you. But they weren't. So, what now? Just sit there and cry because life treated you like garbage? Come on, think about it, it doesn't really make sense, does it? What is that actually going to achieve? Things can just keep getting worse every single day. And what happens if you dig deep, find that last shred of strength, and actually try to move forward? You might just feel better. Nobody can guarantee that you will, obviously, but you won't know unless you try. Of course, you can't do this alone. Even the biggest optimist would need some kind of help to crawl out of a hole like this, much less someone like you who seems to be their own worst enemy. Because of that, I guess your first step has to be finding someone you can finally open up to, someone you can actually bond with and let them truly see who you are. Once you manage to pull that off, everything we're talking about here will feel a whole lot easier. I realize it isn't easy to find someone like that, especially if you're from a small town or somewhere isolated, but it isn't impossible. You could try looking here. There are more lonely people on this forum than you probably realize, and maybe there's someone out there waiting specifically for you—you never really know what tomorrow might bring 😉

Hannah Morris4 said:First off, I honestly find it hard to believe there are people actually blaming you for this, let alone people constantly rubbing it in your face 🙂 Human stupidity really is just... infinite, I guess 🤦
It’s obvious this is eating you alive, and I can certainly understand why you feel this desperate need to punish yourself; I know a million of us could jump in here and tell you that you aren't actually at fault and that punishing yourself is pointless, that you just need to move on with your life and all that, but maybe that won't be enough to actually get you moving, at least not permanently. I suppose the cards just fell in such a way that this happened at the worst possible moment, making it incredibly difficult for you to find people to connect with or anyone who could actually help you out. On top of all that, you didn't have any support from your family, which I think is really the crux of the whole issue. I imagine things might be even a tiny bit easier right now, and you might actually be able to break out of this stalemate, if they had been standing by you. But they weren't. So, what now? Just sit there and cry because life treated you like garbage? Come on, think about it, it doesn't really make sense, does it? What is that actually going to achieve? Things can just keep getting worse every single day. And what happens if you dig deep, find that last shred of strength, and actually try to move forward? You might just feel better. Nobody can guarantee that you will, obviously, but you won't know unless you try. Of course, you can't do this alone. Even the biggest optimist would need some kind of help to crawl out of a hole like this, much less someone like you who seems to be their own worst enemy. Because of that, I guess your first step has to be finding someone you can finally open up to, someone you can actually bond with and let them truly see who you are. Once you manage to pull that off, everything we're talking about here will feel a whole lot easier. I realize it isn't easy to find someone like that, especially if you're from a small town or somewhere isolated, but it isn't impossible. You could try looking here. There are more lonely people on this forum than you probably realize, and maybe there's someone out there waiting specifically for you—you never really know what tomorrow might bring 😉

I'm aware of all that, I'm just exhausted... nothing ever goes right, no matter how hard I try... I've given up on trying to meet girls online (because it's always the same story: either they ghost me for no reason I can figure out, or they don't like me, or we hit it off but live 200+ miles apart and it still leads nowhere 😢).

Look, forget about chasing girls for a second—put those distractions on the back burner and start hunting for work...
Girls love going out to bars, hanging out, grabbing lattes, sodas... it’s a whole thing. If you want anything in life, you need cash—everything from a basic gym membership to a bus pass or gas for your car...
Get online, get focused, and actually look for jobs...
Honestly, with the way the economy is in the US right now, it doesn't even matter if you land a steady, corporate gig... if some under-the-table work pops up, take it—the main thing is having a stream of income. Start talking to people, ask around... what have you got to lose?
I felt the exact same way when I finished school... just like you...

Jeremy Roberts5 said:I'm aware of all that, I'm just exhausted... nothing ever goes right, no matter how hard I try... I've given up on trying to meet girls online (because it's always the same story: either they ghost me for no reason I can figure out, or they don't like me, or we hit it off but live 200+ miles apart and it still leads nowhere 😢).

I wasn't necessarily talking about finding a girlfriend or starting a romance, but more about friendship, I guess. Like I mentioned before, it’s incredibly important that you don't feel isolated in all this, and you admitted yourself that you have this intense need to talk to someone, to open up, which is usually easiest when it's with a stranger—someone who doesn't know your history yet. For most people, it's easier to be vulnerable with a stranger because you aren't weighed down by what they already think of you or everything they already know about your life. I know it happens all the time where you meet someone great online who lives halfway across the country, but that isn't really the issue since support is support, whether you're talking via email or sitting face-to-face. My best friend lives hundreds of miles away, yet he's my biggest support system and one of the most vital people in my life. In times like these, I suppose one can actually be grateful for the internet. Besides, I don't know about you, but I personally find it much easier to communicate through email than in person; it’s just simpler to express certain thoughts that way. The main thing is just getting it out of your system. Write to someone, keep a journal, start a blog, whatever—just write, every day, ten times a day if you have to, just vent, because it might make things feel a little lighter, at least for a moment.

Hannah Morris4 said:I wasn't necessarily talking about finding a girlfriend or starting a romance, but more about friendship, I guess. Like I mentioned before, it’s incredibly important that you don't feel isolated in all this, and you admitted yourself that you have this intense need to talk to someone, to open up, which is usually easiest when it's with a stranger—someone who doesn't know your history yet. For most people, it's easier to be vulnerable with a stranger because you aren't weighed down by what they already think of you or everything they already know about your life. I know it happens all the time where you meet someone great online who lives halfway across the country, but that isn't really the issue since support is support, whether you're talking via email or sitting face-to-face. My best friend lives hundreds of miles away, yet he's my biggest support system and one of the most vital people in my life. In times like these, I suppose one can actually be grateful for the internet. Besides, I don't know about you, but I personally find it much easier to communicate through email than in person; it’s just simpler to express certain thoughts that way. The main thing is just getting it out of your system. Write to someone, keep a journal, start a blog, whatever—just write, every day, ten times a day if you have to, just vent, because it might make things feel a little lighter, at least for a moment.

Take me, for example—until I started posting about certain things here on the forum, I wasn't even capable of discussing them in real life without feeling like I was headed straight for a nervous breakdown... complexes, traumas, fears... but once you start writing it all out—treating it like it's actually happening, breaking it down and letting it go—it changes everything.
The written word is always a lot calmer than the spoken one...

I find myself quite struck by the sheer, unadulterated audacity of this entire situation. It is truly remarkable how easily we fall prey to such blatant misinformation when it is presented with even a modicum of confidence. One would think that, given the current climate, we might be a bit more discerning, yet here we are, circling the drain of collective delusion once again. I am almost tempted to applaud the sheer scale of the incompetence on display, though I suppose that would require a level of optimism I simply do not possess. kaže:
For instance, there was a period where I found myself utterly incapable of discussing certain matters in my daily life; even the mere thought of bringing them up felt like a direct precursor to a total nervous breakdown. My complexes, my traumas, those deep-seated fears—they were simply too heavy to carry into conversation. Yet, I have discovered that once you begin to write about these things here, almost as if you are living through them on the page, there is a profound sense of dissection and release. It is as though by documenting the experience, one finally begins to let go.
The written word will always possess a certain tranquility that the spoken word so often lacks.

🙂 Jeremy Roberts5 🙂
Look closely; you already have three female colleagues reaching out to you, expressing a sincere desire to share in your burdens, your pain, and your inner unrest.
While we are more than happy to offer our counsel, we truly desire for you to engage in a genuine dialogue with us—to open up and share your own tribulations so that we might lend our support.🤷
And then there is my colleague rapidbear65; he truly is an exceptional individual. While he may not always be able to check in immediately, I know with absolute certainty that whenever his schedule permits, he will reach out to offer his perspective and some much-needed advice.
We truly wish to see you overcome these obstacles, but you must meet us halfway and offer your cooperation.
The only thing that truly matters is that you place your trust in us, and more importantly, that you come to realize you aren't facing this alone.
There may be instances where we inadvertently stumble or commit an error while communicating with you; however, I implore you not to hold such lapses against us, for to err is fundamentally human. Rather, simply point out our inaccuracies, and we shall endeavor to rectify them immediately. Please, do tell us about your passions—what truly moves you? Do you find solace in music or perhaps the written word? What sort of cinema captures your interest? Pray, share everything with us, and I assure you, we shall reciprocate in kind.
I have always possessed a profound appreciation for a well-timed joke, so if you find it agreeable, I shall occasionally endeavor to share a bit of humor here.
Rest assured, my friend, you are certainly not alone in this endeavor.🙂

crimsoncanyon2 said:Look, forget about chasing girls for a second—put those distractions on the back burner and start hunting for work...
Girls love going out to bars, hanging out, grabbing lattes, sodas... it’s a whole thing. If you want anything in life, you need cash—everything from a basic gym membership to a bus pass or gas for your car...
Get online, get focused, and actually look for jobs...
Honestly, with the way the economy is in the US right now, it doesn't even matter if you land a steady, corporate gig... if some under-the-table work pops up, take it—the main thing is having a stream of income. Start talking to people, ask around... what have you got to lose?
I felt the exact same way when I finished school... just like you...

I'm aware of all that (up until two months ago, I worked six months doing this thankless under-the-table job, but clearly I don't have a choice and have to take whatever 🙄 ) I always have to set something aside; I spend my whole life sacrificing things, but for what? I only have until I'm 30, and if I don't start a family then—meaning a wife and kids later on—it's likely I won't have one at all, and I'll spend my entire life alone (because I definitely don't want to be anywhere near "my family," meaning my parents and brother)

Hannah Morris4 said:I wasn't necessarily talking about finding a girlfriend or starting a romance, but more about friendship, I guess. Like I mentioned before, it’s incredibly important that you don't feel isolated in all this, and you admitted yourself that you have this intense need to talk to someone, to open up, which is usually easiest when it's with a stranger—someone who doesn't know your history yet. For most people, it's easier to be vulnerable with a stranger because you aren't weighed down by what they already think of you or everything they already know about your life. I know it happens all the time where you meet someone great online who lives halfway across the country, but that isn't really the issue since support is support, whether you're talking via email or sitting face-to-face. My best friend lives hundreds of miles away, yet he's my biggest support system and one of the most vital people in my life. In times like these, I suppose one can actually be grateful for the internet. Besides, I don't know about you, but I personally find it much easier to communicate through email than in person; it’s just simpler to express certain thoughts that way. The main thing is just getting it out of your system. Write to someone, keep a journal, start a blog, whatever—just write, every day, ten times a day if you have to, just vent, because it might make things feel a little lighter, at least for a moment.

This might sound harsh, but I can't sugarcoat it no matter how hard I try... there was a time when I had plenty of those "internet friends" from various forums, chat rooms, online games, etc. But the end result? I never actually met any of them in person, nor did they ever want to meet up (I even asked some of the ones I felt closer to, and they weren't interested, even though we lived in the same city and didn't talk about the kind of deep stuff we're discussing here). I'm left with the impression that the old saying is true: "out of sight, out of mind."

Jeremy Roberts5 said:This might sound harsh, but I can't sugarcoat it no matter how hard I try... there was a time when I had plenty of those "internet friends" from various forums, chat rooms, online games, etc. But the end result? I never actually met any of them in person, nor did they ever want to meet up (I even asked some of the ones I felt closer to, and they weren't interested, even though we lived in the same city and didn't talk about the kind of deep stuff we're discussing here). I'm left with the impression that the old saying is true: "out of sight, out of mind."

I actually have pretty positive experiences with most of my "online friends." There are several I’ve never met face-to-face—folks from North Mexico, Mexico, and Germany—who were actually there for me when none of my "real-life" friends or even my own family realized I was struggling and needed help.