Why are we so attracted to people who are unavailable?

Edward Murphy4 said:I’ve been noticing this pattern for a while now—this weird phenomenon where tons of people (especially the young and clueless🤷) just gravitate toward total disasters. We're talking the cynical, jaded types with that "don't give a damn" attitude who stay emotionally checked out... At first, I figured it was just women chasing after those unavailable guys, but honestly, I see men doing the exact same thing. And let’s be real, 99% of the time, these people end up getting burned, and then they start whining about it. So, what’s the actual endgame here? Are they really hoping that their belovedpartner will undergo some massive personality transplant because of their "undying love"? Or do they actually think they'll be the one lucky enough to finally see a soft side? Or what?🤷

They're hoping they can be the ones to fix them and play the hero; I know it for a fact. Personally, I tend to keep anyone who is impossible to please at arm's length, yet somehow, that's exactly how I'm perceived—as someone they think they can mold.

Eric Gray2 said:@silentjackal52, you’re seriously replying to posts from 2010? Please, don't.

Well, I suppose that applies to me as well.🤷

I simply clicked the headline on the front page, nothing more.🤷

If that's the case, why aren't older threads locked automatically?

That’s a fair point, all things considered.

I have observed that this supposed "attraction to broken people" is primarily a tactic employed by those seeking to bolster their own fragile egos; specifically, individuals brimming with a self-assuredness that borders on narcissism, who attempt to cast themselves as "heroes" by attempting to fix someone else. It is essentially a way for them to cultivate a sense of moral superiority, playing the part of the "savior." Naturally, this occurs only after they have established a baseline of physical or perhaps even intellectual interest, but once they identify someone as "damaged goods"—a term frequently tossed around here—they pivot toward caring for those in even deeper trouble just to feel more accomplished.

silentowl74 said:I have observed that this supposed "attraction to broken people" is primarily a tactic employed by those seeking to bolster their own fragile egos; specifically, individuals brimming with a self-assuredness that borders on narcissism, who attempt to cast themselves as "heroes" by attempting to fix someone else. It is essentially a way for them to cultivate a sense of moral superiority, playing the part of the "savior." Naturally, this occurs only after they have established a baseline of physical or perhaps even intellectual interest, but once they identify someone as "damaged goods"—a term frequently tossed around here—they pivot toward caring for those in even deeper trouble just to feel more accomplished.

I find myself agreeing with the bolded point. Speaking from my own experience as someone who is currently quite a mess, I have absolutely zero desire to get involved with someone who is equally—or even more—unstable. It would likely just spiral my own dysfunction further due to a sort of pathological empathy, and my self-esteem would inevitably tank because, let's face it, you can't bring a smile to the face of someone that deep in the trenches. In any scenario, failure is basically guaranteed.

silentowl74 said:I have observed that this supposed "attraction to broken people" is primarily a tactic employed by those seeking to bolster their own fragile egos; specifically, individuals brimming with a self-assuredness that borders on narcissism, who attempt to cast themselves as "heroes" by attempting to fix someone else. It is essentially a way for them to cultivate a sense of moral superiority, playing the part of the "savior." Naturally, this occurs only after they have established a baseline of physical or perhaps even intellectual interest, but once they identify someone as "damaged goods"—a term frequently tossed around here—they pivot toward caring for those in even deeper trouble just to feel more accomplished.

So, does one mess just find another mess?🤷

Sam Wright21 said:I find myself agreeing with the bolded point. Speaking from my own experience as someone who is currently quite a mess, I have absolutely zero desire to get involved with someone who is equally—or even more—unstable. It would likely just spiral my own dysfunction further due to a sort of pathological empathy, and my self-esteem would inevitably tank because, let's face it, you can't bring a smile to the face of someone that deep in the trenches. In any scenario, failure is basically guaranteed.

I once found myself walking away from a deeply troubled partner, feeling physically ill because his sobbing was so gut-wrenching. 😲 I truly had to wonder what kind of cosmic lesson I was supposed to be learning from that. 🙂 In the end, who is really sensing whom? Are we spotting them, or are they spotting us?🙂

silentjackal52 said:So, does one mess just find another mess?🤷

I am hardly an expert on the intricacies of human psychology, nor could I offer a clinical breakdown of behavioral patterns, but from what I have observed, it seems that broken people tend to gravitate toward one another. I don't view excessive egocentrism as a positive trait; rather, it often manifests as a way to subjugate a partner simply to validate one's own sense of importance and necessity.

Regarding my own observations, we were discussing the nature of an egocentric individual rather than someone who simply felt indifferent and detached while seeking out those of a similar disposition.

silentjackal52 said:I once found myself walking away from a deeply troubled partner, feeling physically ill because his sobbing was so gut-wrenching. 😲 I truly had to wonder what kind of cosmic lesson I was supposed to be learning from that. 🙂 In the end, who is really sensing whom? Are we spotting them, or are they spotting us?🙂

You're on to something there; perhaps people gravitate toward one another simply because they share enough common ground in those initial, fleeting moments.

People with a healthy sense of self and actual self-awareness don't waste their time chasing after toxic individuals who treat them poorly. Stable people seek out stable relationships. Those who obsess over rejection are really just struggling with their own self-esteem. I've been there, and I can tell you that healing from that mindset is 🙂 possible. Nowadays, if someone tries to belittle me or explain why I’m not "good enough" for them, I immediately remind them why they should be lucky to have me 🙂. I am done being too polite to tolerate other people's baggage. If they feel the need to list my flaws, I’ll gladly return the favor just to level the playing field. It works 🙂
.
I’ll never forget this one guy—he was married, by the way—who told me after a fling that he’d be embarrassed to walk down the street with me. In the past, that would have crushed me. This time, I just looked him in the eye and said that since I wasn't embarrassed to be seen with him, I couldn't see why he felt the same about me. He tried to use me as his therapist, but it didn't work out :-) He just shut 🙂 up
.

silentowl74 said:I am hardly an expert on the intricacies of human psychology, nor could I offer a clinical breakdown of behavioral patterns, but from what I have observed, it seems that broken people tend to gravitate toward one another. I don't view excessive egocentrism as a positive trait; rather, it often manifests as a way to subjugate a partner simply to validate one's own sense of importance and necessity.

Regarding my own observations, we were discussing the nature of an egocentric individual rather than someone who simply felt indifferent and detached while seeking out those of a similar disposition.

There is some truth to this as well. I call it pathology squared.

Joseph Hayes80 said:People with a healthy sense of self and actual self-awareness don't waste their time chasing after toxic individuals who treat them poorly. Stable people seek out stable relationships. Those who obsess over rejection are really just struggling with their own self-esteem. I've been there, and I can tell you that healing from that mindset is 🙂 possible. Nowadays, if someone tries to belittle me or explain why I’m not "good enough" for them, I immediately remind them why they should be lucky to have me 🙂. I am done being too polite to tolerate other people's baggage. If they feel the need to list my flaws, I’ll gladly return the favor just to level the playing field. It works 🙂
.
I’ll never forget this one guy—he was married, by the way—who told me after a fling that he’d be embarrassed to walk down the street with me. In the past, that would have crushed me. This time, I just looked him in the eye and said that since I wasn't embarrassed to be seen with him, I couldn't see why he felt the same about me. He tried to use me as his therapist, but it didn't work out :-) He just shut 🙂 up
.

Hahahaahaha, what an absolute moron. And honestly, he had plenty of reason to be embarrassed, considering he was a married scumbag. Man, I wish someone would have told me that story back in the day, 🤣
You handled that with pure class.

Joseph Hayes80 said:People with a healthy sense of self and actual self-awareness don't waste their time chasing after toxic individuals who treat them poorly. Stable people seek out stable relationships. Those who obsess over rejection are really just struggling with their own self-esteem. I've been there, and I can tell you that healing from that mindset is 🙂 possible. Nowadays, if someone tries to belittle me or explain why I’m not "good enough" for them, I immediately remind them why they should be lucky to have me 🙂. I am done being too polite to tolerate other people's baggage. If they feel the need to list my flaws, I’ll gladly return the favor just to level the playing field. It works 🙂
.
I’ll never forget this one guy—he was married, by the way—who told me after a fling that he’d be embarrassed to walk down the street with me. In the past, that would have crushed me. This time, I just looked him in the eye and said that since I wasn't embarrassed to be seen with him, I couldn't see why he felt the same about me. He tried to use me as his therapist, but it didn't work out :-) He just shut 🙂 up
.

This sentiment warrants a second mention. It’s a recurring pattern, and while low self-esteem can manifest in various ways, I have witnessed one particularly extreme version of this specific deficiency. It’s truly exhausting. I’ll encounter a woman where everything she tells me feels like a mere prelude—everything seems to be going perfectly according to plan—only for her to eventually drop the hammer by saying: "The thing is, I just don't respect myself very much."

It’s a damn shame.

One guy actually admitted he felt embarrassed to introduce me to his friends because I was so much younger than everyone else. It wasn't until six months into our relationship that the introduction finally happened, and naturally, I spent the whole time feeling completely insecure, wondering if I even belonged in his social circle. 🙄 He confessed this to me after I’d had a few drinks. Honestly, we were both a complete mess; he used "love" as an excuse to let me get away with almost anything, while he was clearly drawn to my own chaotic nature, trying to buy my forgiveness through affection. I suppose I’m just one more entry in the book of toxic exes.

Listen, given how young you still are, there’s absolutely no reason to harbor any sort of inferiority complex or feel like you're somehow less worthy of respect from those who have been around longer than you 🤷

Edward Murphy4 said:I’ve been noticing this pattern for a while now—this weird phenomenon where tons of people (especially the young and clueless🤷) just gravitate toward total disasters. We're talking the cynical, jaded types with that "don't give a damn" attitude who stay emotionally checked out... At first, I figured it was just women chasing after those unavailable guys, but honestly, I see men doing the exact same thing. And let’s be real, 99% of the time, these people end up getting burned, and then they start whining about it. So, what’s the actual endgame here? Are they really hoping that their belovedpartner will undergo some massive personality transplant because of their "undying love"? Or do they actually think they'll be the one lucky enough to finally see a soft side? Or what?🤷

It's an inferiority complex. People who grew up being mistreated, or who have been stuck in abusive relationships, often find it difficult to stand on their own. They become psychologically dependent on being belittled. Subconsciously, they seek validation from people who have the power to hurt them, hoping that if they can just win over someone so damaging, it will prove their worth. Of course, those types will never offer genuine respect, but the victim keeps holding onto that hope. You usually need actual therapy to realize you're stuck in that loop.

Who are these "unavailable" people? Do they actually have some hidden vampire streak that eventually turns them off? Is it just their way of sucking your energy dry? Maybe they just crave that attention—makes life simpler, right? And honestly, is anyone even obligated to hang out with anyone else anymore? That’s the question of the day... though why am I even asking?! If this is all just one big joke, then fine, it's easy and fun, but these draining types are starting to amuse me more than they bother me—I'm taking them less seriously lately. I have this chill philosophy where I slowed my whole life down, which will probably be my undoing. If you truly want someone by your side, you have to be ruthless. Only those kinds of people really make it in this world. Jesus Fucking Christ. I wish I could just draw it for you—some people simply aren't good for you, and some people just click perfectly, and it might surprise you how weird those pairings can be. Don't romanticize it; if someone feels distant or unavailable, there's usually a reason.
Does that make things easier for you?
Anyway... the catch is... by running away... YOU'RE WASTING TIME. What if nobody helped you when you were wasting yours? Would you still try to help that person avoid wasting theirs just to watch them fall apart? A million questions. Does it make sense to be "better," and will it hurt too much? When is the best time to just give up? We're all just sinking under the weight of Time...
I don't see this as some game or a joke—God forbid, these are peo-ple, you should understand that. Once you actually look at the situation, you get it.
It's all crystal clear.
I know I probably annoy you just as much as I annoy myself, but that's just how it is.
Do something.
Just be happy with who you are right now, even if someone is being distant.
If you haven't climbed the Himalayas yet, does that mean it's a recipe for everyone's happiness?
Should it be?
Maybe these unavailable people are just unhappy. Maybe they don't get why you need them as friends. Maybe that's just how they are, and maybe (definitely) we should love them exactly as they are.
Get up if you've fallen; we've all been miserable or had crazy thoughts at some point. Maybe you're the one avoiding them, not the other way around. Hmm... maybe you just don't know what to say to them. Or maybe you don't even really know them. Honestly, it might be impossible to fully know someone because perfection doesn't exist. Everyone changes; nobody stays static. I wish I could.
Maybe you're avoiding them because you're insecure, or you feel unattractive, or mean, or whatever. Or maybe you just don't need someone like me—someone who can sit here and write something like this. It's all pretty confusing, isn't it?
Doubts HAPPEN, but should you build your entire life around them?
Maybe you only want to see these people when they're happy and it suits you, so you keep a polite distance. Who is happy, who is miserable, who only acts caring when it's convenient—just to wrap a big success in a layer of performative kindness—that's the ultimate question. You can't trample over someone and then act super cool the next day. Is that the detail you missed? Are you actually avoiding them because they have a trait that scares you?
We're all weak, isn't that funny? These unavailable people? Do news outlets or TV shows sell stories like that? People love watching it, but nobody actually believes it.
Maybe it's too late, but you probably thought that the moment you met them, didn't you? People are simple. Lately, I really hate the idea that we all have to look out only for ourselves and live like islands... Maybe they're distant because they aren't attracted to your misery or the vibe you put out.

I don't even believe people like this exist outside of myself, but hey.
Other people have always been... selfish at their core.
Just my humble experience. You'll definitely learn something... if you try.

You’ve certainly thrown out a lot of questions there 🤷

But at the end of the day, that conclusion is purely subjective. My own experience couldn't be further from yours, and frankly, I fail to see how much value you actually added to the conversation by being so contrarian.