Toxic family dynamics: How do you deal with it?

I’ve got a massive problem with my parents. And honestly, just with my whole family.

For four years, I lived in a boarding school—except for summers and holidays—and it’s only now, right before I head off to college, that I’m realizing just how different we all are.

Let me give you a few examples:

I’m an organized person. Back at school, I had a ton of stuff, so I had to keep everything within reach, but it was all neatly arranged, even if my room felt tiny. I’d clean at least twice a week, take out the trash regularly, and so on. You could say I was almost excessively tidy—a bit of a "nerd" or a "geek," I guess.
But my parents, my sister, and my grandma are my total opposites.

My mom in her own house and my grandma in hers are the only people who actually know where anything is located. For instance, when you go looking for a screwdriver and can’t find it in the garage, so you ask the "bosses" where it went, they’ll tell you it’s in the bathroom! It drives me crazy because it makes zero sense.

Or when I need to put things back that they’ve picked up. Like, say, a piece of wood my dad used for a project, and when I ask him where to put it back, he just says, “Just put it over there.”
Needless to say, I have no idea what "there" actually means. When I take it somewhere I think is appropriate, like the workshop, they just tell me, “Don't blame me, you don't know any better.”

You’d think life would be easier if things were kept in some kind of order, but when you have a hundred items scattered all over the house like this, it’s a total disaster.

Furthermore, I hate it when they tell me what to do. The most banal, irritating example is when they lecture me—a skinny guy—about what I should eat and how much. Aside from my sister, they’re all pretty large.
They’re constantly offering me food. After lunch, they’ll tell me to have more, try a little of this, or ask if I want dessert.
When I was at boarding school, I had a set meal schedule. I’d eat five or six times a day, eating as healthy as possible. Since I was living there, I didn't have the chance to cook for myself. I tried to keep my diet varied and ate plenty of fruits and vegetables because I played sports and stayed active, studying not just for school but researching things I was personally interested in.

I can’t talk about anything with them because they’re stuck in their own weird heads. My father talks to my grandma—his mother—constantly, maybe thirty times a day, and all they ever discuss is what they ate, or something I said once, or blah blah blah... She is the most important person in his life.

One last thing: there was almost a car accident recently. I wasn't there, but my father told me how he nearly got into a physical fight with the other driver. He was furious for a while, and then he came up with the stupidest reason I’ve ever heard: he blamed my mom because she didn't stop him from fighting, even though he didn't actually fight anyone. I immediately thought, how idiotic is that? Why does he need her? Does he need someone to babysit him?
It goes without saying that he blames my mother for everything that goes wrong in his life.

I want to know how to deal with this suffocating feeling of pressure and how to get through these next few months.
I can't live normally; it’s such a strange sensation. They expect me to talk to them, but I won't, because I don't really trust them. During the worst parts of my puberty, they weren't there for me or gave me any support at all.
Things were worse before; I was just a kid, terrified they were going to get a divorce. My father used to threaten my mother with that constantly, ever since we started going on summer vacations together. I didn't have a great childhood, but I don't want to cry about it—that's in the past. Now I have a different problem that I think I can solve. Or maybe I can't. But I want to do something about it.

Look, this is just one inevitable stepping stone toward independence. You can’t change your parents or your family; they are who they are, set in their ways and stuck in their patterns, period. Just put your head down and play it cool for a few months, get through that degree, and then you can finally start living on your own terms. That’s the whole game. I know it’s frustrating as hell, but you have to push through it. 🤷

Look, you said it yourself—back then, you were living in a house with its own set of rules that you were basically "forced" to conform to. It makes sense that being back home feels like such a struggle right now; you’re once again feeling pressured to adapt to an environment that isn't exactly perfect, especially since you've already had a taste of what a better setup looks like... Don't drive yourself crazy obsessing over everything you can change, because the hard truth is that you can't force people to be different. If anything, try to flip the script and use that frustration as fuel to focus on yourself... After all, you're finally at the starting line, building your own life from the ground up anyway...

Well, I’m trying to build a life for myself here.
But honestly? It’s hard to wrap my head around the idea that they’ll just carry on like nothing changed once I’m gone. I can't quite believe they'll just... fade away.

@ vividangler4🙂)

I've seen better, sure, but I’m doing my best to make something out of what I've got. Nobody ever actually taught me how to be organized. Ironically, the very people constantly nagging me to tidy up were total slobs themselves. My father used to lecture me about it all the time, yet he wouldn't lift a finger to clean up after himself.

@ hiddenmarlin14

For now, I just need to try and keep my cool. But there are certain things I just can't stomach—things that genuinely bring tears to my eyes. Watching the way my father treats my mother, the way he yells at her... it's gut-wrenching. He drops hints sometimes that he'll leave her the moment I'm a sophomore or junior in college, and I feel completely powerless. Sometimes, I just want to snap at him, or even lash out.
My mother has been one of the most important people in my life—maybe even the only real pillar of support I've had.

I’ll find a way to help them. Today, I managed to subtly nudge my mom into cleaning out a bit of the basement.

You can't exactly make life choices on behalf of your mother... Personally, I think it’s actually quite healthy that she’s fully aware of where things stand... There really isn't much else for her to do besides keep pushing forward just like she always has, building something of her own—even if the only way she can truly support the family is by carving out her own path...

Since you spent so much time living at home, you’ve obviously carved out your own little routine and independence—so it makes total sense that having different people constantly shifting around you feels jarring. I’ve actually been in a pretty similar spot myself; most of what you mentioned might seem like minor things on the surface, but after a while, they really start to get under your skin.
Also, regarding all that bickering within the family... you have to realize that this is just how they operate. It's hard to change people who aren't looking to change, so honestly, you're better off not even trying.
Instead, try to keep your eyes on the prize. Don't overthink the chaos—just focus on yourself and everything waiting for you at college and beyond. Good luck!

Zachary James5 said:I’ve got a massive problem with my parents. And honestly, just with my whole family.

For four years, I lived in a boarding school—except for summers and holidays—and it’s only now, right before I head off to college, that I’m realizing just how different we all are.

Let me give you a few examples:

I’m an organized person. Back at school, I had a ton of stuff, so I had to keep everything within reach, but it was all neatly arranged, even if my room felt tiny. I’d clean at least twice a week, take out the trash regularly, and so on. You could say I was almost excessively tidy—a bit of a "nerd" or a "geek," I guess.
But my parents, my sister, and my grandma are my total opposites.

My mom in her own house and my grandma in hers are the only people who actually know where anything is located. For instance, when you go looking for a screwdriver and can’t find it in the garage, so you ask the "bosses" where it went, they’ll tell you it’s in the bathroom! It drives me crazy because it makes zero sense.

Or when I need to put things back that they’ve picked up. Like, say, a piece of wood my dad used for a project, and when I ask him where to put it back, he just says, “Just put it over there.”
Needless to say, I have no idea what "there" actually means. When I take it somewhere I think is appropriate, like the workshop, they just tell me, “Don't blame me, you don't know any better.”

You’d think life would be easier if things were kept in some kind of order, but when you have a hundred items scattered all over the house like this, it’s a total disaster.

Furthermore, I hate it when they tell me what to do. The most banal, irritating example is when they lecture me—a skinny guy—about what I should eat and how much. Aside from my sister, they’re all pretty large.
They’re constantly offering me food. After lunch, they’ll tell me to have more, try a little of this, or ask if I want dessert.
When I was at boarding school, I had a set meal schedule. I’d eat five or six times a day, eating as healthy as possible. Since I was living there, I didn't have the chance to cook for myself. I tried to keep my diet varied and ate plenty of fruits and vegetables because I played sports and stayed active, studying not just for school but researching things I was personally interested in.

I can’t talk about anything with them because they’re stuck in their own weird heads. My father talks to my grandma—his mother—constantly, maybe thirty times a day, and all they ever discuss is what they ate, or something I said once, or blah blah blah... She is the most important person in his life.

One last thing: there was almost a car accident recently. I wasn't there, but my father told me how he nearly got into a physical fight with the other driver. He was furious for a while, and then he came up with the stupidest reason I’ve ever heard: he blamed my mom because she didn't stop him from fighting, even though he didn't actually fight anyone. I immediately thought, how idiotic is that? Why does he need her? Does he need someone to babysit him?
It goes without saying that he blames my mother for everything that goes wrong in his life.

I want to know how to deal with this suffocating feeling of pressure and how to get through these next few months.
I can't live normally; it’s such a strange sensation. They expect me to talk to them, but I won't, because I don't really trust them. During the worst parts of my puberty, they weren't there for me or gave me any support at all.
Things were worse before; I was just a kid, terrified they were going to get a divorce. My father used to threaten my mother with that constantly, ever since we started going on summer vacations together. I didn't have a great childhood, but I don't want to cry about it—that's in the past. Now I have a different problem that I think I can solve. Or maybe I can't. But I want to do something about it.

My dad does the exact same thing to my mom, and she hasn't done a single thing wrong. It’s honestly pathetic. It’s like these people can't just man up and take responsibility for their own messes.

I’m dealing with a pretty much identical situation over here, though without all that heavy talk about divorce. Plus, I don't have to deal with it solo... In my experience, the best move is just to get out of the house whenever you possibly can. You'll honestly notice your mood starts looking up in direct proportion to how much time you spend away from home.

Men are generally messy—with rare exceptions like yourself—so trying to change that habit is probably a losing battle. Instead of suggesting your mother clean out the basement, why didn't you just step up and do it yourself?
If your father actually wanted to leave your mother, he would have done it by now; it’s all just empty talk.
Having had to fend for yourself since you were four years old, I imagine it's difficult to adjust to a different way of living.
Enjoy having parents around to tell you what to do while you still can. I lost mine five and two years ago, respectively, and having just crossed the 30 mark, I've only just realized, much to my regret, how much they truly meant to me.
Give it some thought.

Zachary Howard2 said:Men are generally messy—with rare exceptions like yourself—so trying to change that habit is probably a losing battle. Instead of suggesting your mother clean out the basement, why didn't you just step up and do it yourself?
If your father actually wanted to leave your mother, he would have done it by now; it’s all just empty talk.
Having had to fend for yourself since you were four years old, I imagine it's difficult to adjust to a different way of living.
Enjoy having parents around to tell you what to do while you still can. I lost mine five and two years ago, respectively, and having just crossed the 30 mark, I've only just realized, much to my regret, how much they truly meant to me.
Give it some thought.

I mentioned her that way so she could see what I was doing. I tossed everything of mine that was useless or unnecessary. I made sure to separate my stuff, setting aside things that belonged to others so the rest of the household could decide if they were worth keeping.
I did take initiative. I started organizing all the junk that had been piling up in my room for four years. When I wasn't home, things just got tossed in there because they weren't being used or were just clutter.
And my parents matter to me. I never said I wanted them gone. It's just... living under the same roof is tough.

My father walked out on my mother a few times, even if it was just for a day. I remember from when I was a kid, he’d leave the house and wouldn't check in until midnight. He'd come back drunk.
Which, I have to admit, feels strange. He graduated from a really demanding university—only about ten people in his class actually finished—and he had this impressive career as a professor and academic.

He was supposed to be one of the youngest masters in the entire country at the time, but then life happened—something that might happen to me too. During his senior year of college, my parents split up.

Are men messy? I think they're taught to be. In my family, at least, there's this unwritten rule that I handle the heavy lifting—chopping wood, assembling furniture—while the women are expected to keep the house tidy.
I realized this because I finally saw that achieving any kind of success requires at least a baseline level of order.

Ugh, complaining... my mom was the absolute queen of it. Nothing was ever quite good enough for her—she’d always find some little thing to nag me about... it really gets under your skin. I guess, out of this stupid streak of rebellion, I went off to college and didn't study a single thing, which pretty much tanked my GPA... and you know what happened? She passed away. And now? I actually miss the nagging. I even miss the constant fussing and those threats she'd make about leaving my dad (who, honestly, probably deserved it). Because that's when it finally hits you—that underneath all that noise, there was just a real person made of flesh and blood, someone who had the best intentions but just... expressed them in the worst possible way. So, yeah, here I am retaking exams, but there's nobody left to cheer me on. It's weird because as much as she used to grill me about him every single week, my dad couldn't care less about how I'm doing.

Betty Chase54 said:I’m dealing with a pretty much identical situation over here, though without all that heavy talk about divorce. Plus, I don't have to deal with it solo... In my experience, the best move is just to get out of the house whenever you possibly can. You'll honestly notice your mood starts looking up in direct proportion to how much time you spend away from home.

I agree with this completely.

If you have your own room, maybe try to distance yourself when things feel heavy, or just head out to meet up with friends. In a few months, I imagine you'll feel like you're back in control of your own life. 🙂

It probably isn't worth wasting your energy trying to change them; perhaps it's better to just accept things as they are.
It might be more productive to focus on your future—finishing up college and meeting new people who actually share your interests. Maybe you'll even meet someone special, go out to parties, or just enjoy being social... there is plenty to look forward to. Try to build your own life.
I don't think you bear any responsibility for what happens between your parents or within the family dynamic.
I truly hope you get into your top-choice university! 😉

Look, you were raised with a completely different set of values and habits—which, let’s be honest, are probably better than theirs—so you basically outgrew them.

I get it, living under the same roof as them is a nightmare, but you can't force them to change. They need to realize they can't control you either.

And honestly? This whole excuse about being mid-stream through college or dealing with a breakup is total BS. If this had happened when he was a teenager, sure, maybe there'd be some understanding, but by his senior year of college, he was already a grown man...

Just accept that you can't live your life for them or because of them. You have to live it for yourself. Good luck!

Did you not run into these same issues in previous years, like during summer break?
Are you planning on living in a dorm again while you're in college?

My situation is pretty similar—I lived in a dorm during high school, and now I'm back in one for college too.
It’s honestly been such a struggle trying to readjust to living in such a tight-knit environment, especially with family.

It’s not that they’re bad people or anything, it’s just that we don't really have much to talk about.
Every year, it gets harder for me to head back and lose that sense of balance I managed to find while I was out in Chicago.

If the messiness is driving you crazy (totally get it, my family is the same way 😉), try changing things up a bit by cleaning—maybe start small with a kitchen cabinet or something. Sort everything out, show them how you organized it, and ask if they can keep it that way (it didn't work great for me, honestly, maybe halfway successful).
And definitely make sure your own room is organized—make it your own little sanctuary where everything is just right.

It's a total pipe dream to expect everyone to change just to suit your preferences, but try starting with the little things. And definitely make an effort to hang out more over the summer—get out there and socialize instead of just staying cooped up inside!

Zachary Howard2 said:Men are generally messy—with rare exceptions like yourself—so trying to change that habit is probably a losing battle. Instead of suggesting your mother clean out the basement, why didn't you just step up and do it yourself?
If your father actually wanted to leave your mother, he would have done it by now; it’s all just empty talk.
Having had to fend for yourself since you were four years old, I imagine it's difficult to adjust to a different way of living.
Enjoy having parents around to tell you what to do while you still can. I lost mine five and two years ago, respectively, and having just crossed the 30 mark, I've only just realized, much to my regret, how much they truly meant to me.
Give it some thought.

Yeah, because apparently men are the only ones granted a free pass to be slobbish.😁

Do you ever worry that if they end up splitting up, you won't be able to focus enough to actually finish your degree?

Let’s be honest: you aren't going to change them, not by a long shot. Even if you somehow manage to nudge things in a better direction for a little while, once you move out—once that "buffer zone" you provide is gone—they’ll likely drift right back to their old ways.
It’s simply because they’ve spent a lifetime settling into their own routines, which have been established far longer than yours ever will be. Breaking deep-seated habits is notoriously difficult; for most people, walking away from the way they've always done things feels incredibly heavy.

I can certainly see why their messiness gets under your skin, especially if you're the type of person who naturally leans toward being organized and disciplined. It’s a different way of existing. On top of that, there's the added pressure of the expectation that you should handle the more strenuous physical chores—the traditional "provider" or "helper" role—and fighting against those ingrained social expectations can be an uphill battle. 😁

The real question we should look at is just how much they are actually weighing on you. You've shared quite a bit in your recent posts about how much this bothers you, and it sounds like it could become a significant issue if left unaddressed.

@ Sean Vaughn

I noticed those issues a while back, but now they’ve finally hit a breaking point.
I've been fixing up an old bike, riding it for at least an hour every day. Next week, I'm actually going to start training seriously.
@ brightridge59

I’ve had this fear since I was a kid, and honestly, it just seems to follow me everywhere.
As for college? I don't know. I'm not even sure if this is the right path, but I'm going to do it.

Look, I can handle the heavy lifting, but you have to master the basics first—like being organized. You can't just toss your tools anywhere or walk away from a table leaving a mess of plates behind.

What's the big deal?

Whether you’re naturally organized or a bit of a mess doesn't actually have much bearing on whether you can handle demanding roles. 🤷
I mean, washing dishes isn't exactly rocket science, but if someone hasn't spent any time doing manual labor or keeping a kitchen tidy, they aren't going to magically develop those habits overnight.

So, I was wondering—what exactly makes this situation such a headache? Is it just their general lack of tidiness, or is there more to the story that you haven't mentioned yet?
You certainly covered a lot of ground in your post.

Zachary James5 said:I mentioned her that way so she could see what I was doing. I tossed everything of mine that was useless or unnecessary. I made sure to separate my stuff, setting aside things that belonged to others so the rest of the household could decide if they were worth keeping.
I did take initiative. I started organizing all the junk that had been piling up in my room for four years. When I wasn't home, things just got tossed in there because they weren't being used or were just clutter.
And my parents matter to me. I never said I wanted them gone. It's just... living under the same roof is tough.

My father walked out on my mother a few times, even if it was just for a day. I remember from when I was a kid, he’d leave the house and wouldn't check in until midnight. He'd come back drunk.
Which, I have to admit, feels strange. He graduated from a really demanding university—only about ten people in his class actually finished—and he had this impressive career as a professor and academic.

He was supposed to be one of the youngest masters in the entire country at the time, but then life happened—something that might happen to me too. During his senior year of college, my parents split up.

Are men messy? I think they're taught to be. In my family, at least, there's this unwritten rule that I handle the heavy lifting—chopping wood, assembling furniture—while the women are expected to keep the house tidy.
I realized this because I finally saw that achieving any kind of success requires at least a baseline level of order.

I personally believe that men can be extremely tidy and clean, and I don't think it's necessarily a matter of how they were raised—it's more about who they are as individuals. Perhaps, though, it could be a way of showing respect for the effort their parents put into maintaining the home. And really, there shouldn't be such things as "men's chores" or "women's chores." It's perfectly reasonable that a woman might not want to go out and chop wood if there are men in the house, or handle concrete work or moving heavy furniture—those are traditionally masculine tasks—but that doesn't mean a man should live in a pigsty or neglect his responsibilities entirely. On the other hand, I struggle to understand women who allow that to happen either. It feels like it should be part of our nature, somehow. Why wouldn't anyone want to help their mother by tidying up their room or the basement? Or, eventually, their spouse?
Anyway, credit to you for your hard work, but just a word of caution... once you show someone exactly how much you're capable of and how much you know... they will always try to take advantage of you.

brightridge59 said:Whether you’re naturally organized or a bit of a mess doesn't actually have much bearing on whether you can handle demanding roles. 🤷
I mean, washing dishes isn't exactly rocket science, but if someone hasn't spent any time doing manual labor or keeping a kitchen tidy, they aren't going to magically develop those habits overnight.

So, I was wondering—what exactly makes this situation such a headache? Is it just their general lack of tidiness, or is there more to the story that you haven't mentioned yet?
You certainly covered a lot of ground in your post.

Look, when I asked what the problem was, I was trying to frame a question so you could tell me exactly what you're looking for.
What's your angle here? Tell me, and I'll try to give you a better answer.