Relationship advice needed: How would you handle this?

He gets exactly what he wants! Every single time I try to walk away and tell him it's over, he won't let me go. He can't function without me, and honestly, he doesn't want anyone else. It’s not like there aren't plenty of other girls circling him for a casual hookup, so clearly, the issue is that he still isn't ready for a real commitment—even though I am. I went through my own rough patch, dealt with it on my own, and moved forward. Sure, I still have traumas, and I always will, but they're in the background now and I handle them perfectly fine. At the end of the day, I've been alone much longer than he has; my wounds aren't nearly as fresh. There are moments when I lose my cool and just unload everything on him... moments where I think I'm never speaking to him again. But then... my intuition is sharp. I know things, I sense things, I predict things. And regarding this specific situation, I don't have a bad feeling, but I have no idea what's coming next. Every time we fight, whether it's face-to-face or over text, I knew it would be okay. I knew he wouldn't just kick me to the curb. Yet, here we are, stuck in neutral while he stays in this mental rut. I don't know if I should keep putting up with this. He won't let me help him because he insists he has to deal with his issues solo. And honestly, how could I even help? Aside from telling him I'll be right there by his side if he lets me in—and promising I won't bail on him just because I get a bad feeling, which is exactly what happened to his ex—there isn't much else. Based on bits and pieces I've managed to squeeze out of him, I can't get him to actually talk about what happened. He hits a wall every time the topic comes up. He just deflects, starts messing around, playing with my hair like some little kid... it's either a complete shutdown or he turns it into a joke to avoid the conversation!! 😢 I've always been able to reach people. I can pull the truth out of anyone and help them through things just by talking. It's no wonder my career path is leaning toward psychology; I have a knack for people, and that's exactly what helped me survive the crisis from my last toxic relationship and the breakup after that!!! But with him? I hit a brick wall every single time!! 😢 This has never happened to me before. I had a couple of guys in the past I was willing to commit to, but one told me straight up before we even started that he didn't want a relationship. With the other, we went out a few times and he said he couldn't do commitment either... he wasn't leading me on. I actually ended things with the first guy because I wanted more than just sex, and we stayed in that limbo for a few months. I knew where I stood; it was the same thing—he was just dealing with baggage from an ex. But with this guy, I really don't know. You can see he cares. Sex isn't just sex here; there's way more to it. But he's just not ready for a serious relationship... and it's starting to kill me. I constantly wonder if I'm wasting my time. I told him I was leaving, and his solution was to suggest an open relationship, which I absolutely refuse. It's all or nothing with me. He even said he couldn't do an open thing, quoting himself saying he only suggested it "because of those stupid things I said when I threatened to leave"... even though sometimes it feels like things are actually improving...

And then he drops that question on me... it completely froze me because I couldn't tell what he meant. It didn't sound negative, though. He knows there's zero chance of me getting pregnant, so for a split second, it sounded like he actually *wanted* it to happen—like he thought it would force him to man up because he knows he's drifting. He hasn't mentioned marriage or anything like that. He only mentioned once, a while back, that he wants a huge future with me, but he's scared of screwing it up, so we should take it slow. He basically said, "Now you tell me," implying that when he says he wants a lot more with me, he means it.

Jonathan Barnes7 said:He gets exactly what he wants! Every single time I try to walk away and tell him it's over, he won't let me go. He can't function without me, and honestly, he doesn't want anyone else. It’s not like there aren't plenty of other girls circling him for a casual hookup, so clearly, the issue is that he still isn't ready for a real commitment—even though I am. I went through my own rough patch, dealt with it on my own, and moved forward. Sure, I still have traumas, and I always will, but they're in the background now and I handle them perfectly fine. At the end of the day, I've been alone much longer than he has; my wounds aren't nearly as fresh. There are moments when I lose my cool and just unload everything on him... moments where I think I'm never speaking to him again. But then... my intuition is sharp. I know things, I sense things, I predict things. And regarding this specific situation, I don't have a bad feeling, but I have no idea what's coming next. Every time we fight, whether it's face-to-face or over text, I knew it would be okay. I knew he wouldn't just kick me to the curb. Yet, here we are, stuck in neutral while he stays in this mental rut. I don't know if I should keep putting up with this. He won't let me help him because he insists he has to deal with his issues solo. And honestly, how could I even help? Aside from telling him I'll be right there by his side if he lets me in—and promising I won't bail on him just because I get a bad feeling, which is exactly what happened to his ex—there isn't much else. Based on bits and pieces I've managed to squeeze out of him, I can't get him to actually talk about what happened. He hits a wall every time the topic comes up. He just deflects, starts messing around, playing with my hair like some little kid... it's either a complete shutdown or he turns it into a joke to avoid the conversation!! 😢 I've always been able to reach people. I can pull the truth out of anyone and help them through things just by talking. It's no wonder my career path is leaning toward psychology; I have a knack for people, and that's exactly what helped me survive the crisis from my last toxic relationship and the breakup after that!!! But with him? I hit a brick wall every single time!! 😢 This has never happened to me before. I had a couple of guys in the past I was willing to commit to, but one told me straight up before we even started that he didn't want a relationship. With the other, we went out a few times and he said he couldn't do commitment either... he wasn't leading me on. I actually ended things with the first guy because I wanted more than just sex, and we stayed in that limbo for a few months. I knew where I stood; it was the same thing—he was just dealing with baggage from an ex. But with this guy, I really don't know. You can see he cares. Sex isn't just sex here; there's way more to it. But he's just not ready for a serious relationship... and it's starting to kill me. I constantly wonder if I'm wasting my time. I told him I was leaving, and his solution was to suggest an open relationship, which I absolutely refuse. It's all or nothing with me. He even said he couldn't do an open thing, quoting himself saying he only suggested it "because of those stupid things I said when I threatened to leave"... even though sometimes it feels like things are actually improving...

And then he drops that question on me... it completely froze me because I couldn't tell what he meant. It didn't sound negative, though. He knows there's zero chance of me getting pregnant, so for a split second, it sounded like he actually *wanted* it to happen—like he thought it would force him to man up because he knows he's drifting. He hasn't mentioned marriage or anything like that. He only mentioned once, a while back, that he wants a huge future with me, but he's scared of screwing it up, so we should take it slow. He basically said, "Now you tell me," implying that when he says he wants a lot more with me, he means it.

Don't you think he's just playing games with you?

What kind of marriage and kids are you dreaming about? And why, exactly? He claims he wants "so much more" with you, yet he can't even manage the basics: being an actual couple in public.

Stop deluding yourself with these fantasies about kids and weddings. Give yourself a deadline—how much longer are you willing to stay in this non-relationship?—and start preparing to walk away.

Besides, you didn't answer my previous question: how much longer are you prepared to stay in a relationship where he keeps you hidden, where you can't go out with him or meet his friends? A year? Two? How long?

It’s not that he’s hiding me or anything. It’s just that going out isn't really his thing. He spent New Year's Eve at home... just hanging out with my brother-in-law.

If he heads out to grab a drink with one or two friends right in his own neighborhood, that's about it. He isn't the clubbing type or someone who hits up big bars. It’s always just a local spot or hanging at a friend's place. I’ve met a few of his buddies and he talks about them, but we haven't all hung out together yet...

I don't plan on dwelling on this forever. Honestly, I've been thinking about leaving for good because I can't take it anymore. There's no way out of this mess. Plus, there's this guy who has started making serious moves toward me. He made his intentions clear, and I'm actually considering giving him a shot. I'm terrified, though—I tend to feel things too deeply. Everything I've ever wanted, I found in him, regardless of the fact that our relationship isn't "public." I'm scared I'll never be able to open up to anyone else like this again. I want to wait a little longer, but I feel like I've waited too long already. I'm worried it'll lead nowhere. It doesn't feel like he's leading me on, even if it looks that way, but my patience is officially gone. I have no idea how to deal with all the baggage from his past.😢

Look, I’m all for abortion rights, but I honestly wouldn't want to ever be in a spot where I'm forcing myself—or anyone else—into that kind of decision.

Jonathan Barnes7 said:It’s not that he’s hiding me or anything. It’s just that going out isn't really his thing. He spent New Year's Eve at home... just hanging out with my brother-in-law.

If he heads out to grab a drink with one or two friends right in his own neighborhood, that's about it. He isn't the clubbing type or someone who hits up big bars. It’s always just a local spot or hanging at a friend's place. I’ve met a few of his buddies and he talks about them, but we haven't all hung out together yet...

I don't plan on dwelling on this forever. Honestly, I've been thinking about leaving for good because I can't take it anymore. There's no way out of this mess. Plus, there's this guy who has started making serious moves toward me. He made his intentions clear, and I'm actually considering giving him a shot. I'm terrified, though—I tend to feel things too deeply. Everything I've ever wanted, I found in him, regardless of the fact that our relationship isn't "public." I'm scared I'll never be able to open up to anyone else like this again. I want to wait a little longer, but I feel like I've waited too long already. I'm worried it'll lead nowhere. It doesn't feel like he's leading me on, even if it looks that way, but my patience is officially gone. I have no idea how to deal with all the baggage from his past.😢

And I suppose this hasn't exactly been an eye-opener for you.

When you actually care about someone, you want to be with them—even if you aren't exactly the party animal type who enjoys long nights out. You would rather wait for them to ring in the New Year than spend the night with your mother and your brother-in-law.🙄

He doesn't love you, or perhaps not enough.
He's looking for someone else.

Jonathan Barnes7 said:He gets exactly what he wants! Every single time I try to walk away and tell him it's over, he won't let me go. He can't function without me, and honestly, he doesn't want anyone else. It’s not like there aren't plenty of other girls circling him for a casual hookup, so clearly, the issue is that he still isn't ready for a real commitment—even though I am. I went through my own rough patch, dealt with it on my own, and moved forward. Sure, I still have traumas, and I always will, but they're in the background now and I handle them perfectly fine. At the end of the day, I've been alone much longer than he has; my wounds aren't nearly as fresh. There are moments when I lose my cool and just unload everything on him... moments where I think I'm never speaking to him again. But then... my intuition is sharp. I know things, I sense things, I predict things. And regarding this specific situation, I don't have a bad feeling, but I have no idea what's coming next. Every time we fight, whether it's face-to-face or over text, I knew it would be okay. I knew he wouldn't just kick me to the curb. Yet, here we are, stuck in neutral while he stays in this mental rut. I don't know if I should keep putting up with this. He won't let me help him because he insists he has to deal with his issues solo. And honestly, how could I even help? Aside from telling him I'll be right there by his side if he lets me in—and promising I won't bail on him just because I get a bad feeling, which is exactly what happened to his ex—there isn't much else. Based on bits and pieces I've managed to squeeze out of him, I can't get him to actually talk about what happened. He hits a wall every time the topic comes up. He just deflects, starts messing around, playing with my hair like some little kid... it's either a complete shutdown or he turns it into a joke to avoid the conversation!! 😢 I've always been able to reach people. I can pull the truth out of anyone and help them through things just by talking. It's no wonder my career path is leaning toward psychology; I have a knack for people, and that's exactly what helped me survive the crisis from my last toxic relationship and the breakup after that!!! But with him? I hit a brick wall every single time!! 😢 This has never happened to me before. I had a couple of guys in the past I was willing to commit to, but one told me straight up before we even started that he didn't want a relationship. With the other, we went out a few times and he said he couldn't do commitment either... he wasn't leading me on. I actually ended things with the first guy because I wanted more than just sex, and we stayed in that limbo for a few months. I knew where I stood; it was the same thing—he was just dealing with baggage from an ex. But with this guy, I really don't know. You can see he cares. Sex isn't just sex here; there's way more to it. But he's just not ready for a serious relationship... and it's starting to kill me. I constantly wonder if I'm wasting my time. I told him I was leaving, and his solution was to suggest an open relationship, which I absolutely refuse. It's all or nothing with me. He even said he couldn't do an open thing, quoting himself saying he only suggested it "because of those stupid things I said when I threatened to leave"... even though sometimes it feels like things are actually improving...

And then he drops that question on me... it completely froze me because I couldn't tell what he meant. It didn't sound negative, though. He knows there's zero chance of me getting pregnant, so for a split second, it sounded like he actually *wanted* it to happen—like he thought it would force him to man up because he knows he's drifting. He hasn't mentioned marriage or anything like that. He only mentioned once, a while back, that he wants a huge future with me, but he's scared of screwing it up, so we should take it slow. He basically said, "Now you tell me," implying that when he says he wants a lot more with me, he means it.

When a woman is genuinely loved, she feels it deep down. She doesn't need to go around asking everyone else for their opinion on where she stands...

ps. "He's just not that into you"

Tyler Myers5 said:And I suppose this hasn't exactly been an eye-opener for you.

When you actually care about someone, you want to be with them—even if you aren't exactly the party animal type who enjoys long nights out. You would rather wait for them to ring in the New Year than spend the night with your mother and your brother-in-law.🙄

He doesn't love you, or perhaps not enough.
He's looking for someone else.

I forgot to mention we were fighting for two or three weeks straight... basically, I told him I didn't even want to see his face or talk to him. That was right around Christmas and New Year's. After that, he got pissed at me because I was shutting him out, but I meant what I said. I was spiraling into a depression and didn't have the energy for anything, 😢 let alone him. So, he isn't the bad guy here. He didn't want to be around my friends either.